Today was difficult because I'm still sick from the pneumonia. I'm going back to the doctor in the morning before I go to work. I know it's affecting my emotions. I thought about tonight all day. Beck and I used to dress up the kids on Halloween and take them trick or treating to a couple of neighborhoods that take it seriously. We would always tie the sliding doors open on the van so that the kids could jump out quick and get to houses. She and I would sit in the van and slowly follow them through the neighborhood. Beck loved to dress up as well. She would dye her hair and wear cool clothes. Everything we did was as a family. The kids would load up on candy, then come home and dump it all out, then they would split it. I'm glad all of that didn't happen this year. I would have cried through the whole thing. Andrew went around our neighborhood, then we rode to my Mother's house and he walked through their neighborhood. Only one house was giving out candy. In the past, I remember there were a couple of houses that were too spooky for the kids and I would get out and walk with them to the door. I loved the way Becka looked at me when I did things like that. She knew I would protect her kids with my life, and they knew it too. It was times like that which made us the family we were, and still are. Without her though, there will always be something missing. It's going to feel like that for a long time to come. Autumn asked me if I would ever marry again. I think she wants me to, because she even brought up a couple of people. Not replacements mind you. There is no replacement for Beck. I explained to her that it will be a long time before I think about that, because her mother still has my heart, and if I do remarry, it will have to be completely fresh and new. I can't bring anything in to it from the past. Autumn is very intuitive. She sees me crying a lot, even though I try to hide it, and she knows I'm lonely. There is an empty feeling inside of me that only God can fill. If I try to fill it, then it will be all wrong, so I'm patiently waiting on him. He's brought us this far and I trust him.
I put a couple of stuffed spiders and a strobe light outside. Andrew and I build a coffin last year for a Halloween decoration. It had a skeleton dressed as a pirate sticking out of the top. I told him that it wouldn't be appropriate this year, so we gave it to the neighbors. He and I will build other things. He's great with tools. I let him cut the boards, use the drill, and hammer it together. I even let him cut down a tree with the chain saw. He was thrilled!
I'm going to bed very early, like in a few minutes. I need my sleep and I'm going back to the doctor. God Bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you, may he lift us his countenance unto you, and give you peace.
Sweet Dreams!
