It's Tuesday night and I married a very tough, committed woman. She said from the time she was diagnosed that she was going to fight until the end, and she is. I had a talk with her a few minutes ago, and I told her that I'm selfish, and I wish we had forty years more together here, but I loved her enough to let her go for now, and I will be right behind her. I whispered that Jesus is waiting on her to take her hand and show her the way to Paradise. She knows all of this, but I said it anyway.
We've been here at the hospital since Sunday before last, so this morning I made the decision to get out for a while. I went home this morning around five thirty, and got the kids up and ready for school, made their lunches, and spent time with them. Afterwards, I went to Walmart and bought a few things, stopped and ate breakfast at a diner where we loved to eat, and I had a doctor's appointment. I came back by the hospital a couple of times, but I went home and cooked supper for everyone. I guess I just wanted to feel normal for a while, but I found out I can't run anywhere from this because my heart is with me everywhere I go. When I was at home, she was everywhere. Every room I was in I could hear her voice and feel her hands on my shoulders and face. Our marriage was always so intimate, even when she was sick. She always reached for me and me for her. We held hands constantly, and I was her personal pedicurist. I miss everything about her, and I realize tonight that I've been missing so much for so long, and I haven't dealt with it until now. I started losing Becka a piece at a time about a year ago. It's hard to explain, but our lives were transformed. We were still the same people in love, and our love actually grew more powerful with every second we spent to get here, but it was different. I have absolutely no complaints or regrets. I treasure being able to take care of her. God put me in the right place at the right time, and I'm so very grateful to him and to her for the life I was given that I'll never think I deserved. I realize now that I was trying to control the situation. I had to so that life would be somewhat normal for her and for the kids, but it was anything but and I didn't accept it. We knew that this was coming. We talked about it many times. We planned for it legally and financially, but the whole time I thought I had it under control. I should have been dealing with my feelings as we went along, but I repressed them thinking that this time we are living in would never come. Now that it has, I have to deal with all of the emotions from watching her die a little at a time over the past year. The flood gates have opened, and she's not even gone yet. A bus load of pain has showed up for me, but I know that there is a train load right behind it.
I'm past exhaustion, so I'm going down to the parking garage and lay the seats down in the van and go to sleep. That way I'll still be here and if anything happens I can get up here in minutes, but I will be able to relax and sleep. I don't need to be completely sucked dry of all life and energy over the next couple of days. I've been shaking all day today and I feel like a zombie. If I cry anymore right now, my head will explode and my eyeballs will blow out. That wouldn't be good.
I promise I will contact all of you if anything happens, which it will. My Warrior Queen is sleeping soundly tonight. She's going to be just fine. The Lord is waiting for her, and it won't be long before she goes with him.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless all of you.
