Day 300

Sunday night and my baby is still fighting. Her blood pressure is down and so is her breathing. Her legs have started "mapping", which is when they turn color due to the heart not pumping. It won't be long now. I'm right here with her. She and I have been alone in the room for a while now. When everyone left earlier, I moved the chairs and laid my head on her shoulder so that I could talk to her. I tried to anyway. I can't seem to get through a sentence about anything. My breath goes away, and my chest feels like it's going to explode all of the time. I read to her for a while as well. I read the Bible, book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3, then John 3. I also read Proverbs 31, because I want her to know what kind of wife she's been to me. I have no complaints, only accolades. Before I met Beck, I built a wall in front of me that no one could cross. I would let women close to it, but then I would back off before things got too serious, but as soon as I met Becka, I knew she was my soul mate, so I tore the wall down and showed her all of me, and she accepted all of my short comings and loved me every day we were together. Never once did I feel unloved by her, even when she was mad at me. 

My heart is torn and I can't stop crying, so it's hard for me to write this. I would give anything to hear her voice one more time. I hold her hand but she doesn't squeeze mine. This is like being in Hell. I'm praying that God will ease my heart and take her to Heaven soon. 

God Bless and Good night.

Day 299

Saturday night and Ruth and I just watched the University of Tennessee blow the game against Georgia. She's a "Vols" fan. It's been a good game, but I've been devoting a lot more attention to Beck. She's holding on for something and we don't know what, but she isn't going to go until she's ready. I kind of lost it this morning. Everything had been building up and building up, and I woke with a headache piercing through my eyes. We have been sleeping in the room with Beck. Last night we took turns, and it was brutal. The thing that hurt me the most is that Beck was trying to talk to me. She would hear my voice and her eyes would open and she would start a low moan. I talked to her and asked her questions, and she gave me short answers. It's amazing as sick as she is that she still knows me and my voice, but it doesn't surprise me. We used to lay in bed at night and talk for hours. Before we were married, we would talk on the phone until the early hours of the morning. I started feeling like I wasn't doing the right thing here, and I asked about stopping the Hydromorphone pump, but God sent a special hospice nurse in the room to talk to me. I guess I just wanted to hear her voice once more. I thought that maybe she would sit up and be okay. I've been taking care of her for so long, and I felt like I had failed her. The Hospice nurse told me that those feelings were normal, and this wasn't my fault. I needed to hear it. The lack of sleep and intense sorrow have taken their toll. I'm not ready to give her up. I never will be and I hate this. I just held her feet a minute ago and it occurred to me that I'm going to miss every single thing about her. I would do anything to hear her say my name just one more time. Anything.

She's heavily sedated and they doubled her pain meds. She's taking very short and sporadic breaths, and she's moaning from time to time, but they assure me she can't feel anything. They are pumping Dilaudid, (hyrdomorphone), and Ativan directly into her chest and blood system. She's not feeling anything, but I know she still hears me when I talk to her because she responds. I keep telling her it's okay to go. I tell her we are all going to Heaven, and we need her to go now and make the way ready for all of us. It's all up to her and God. We will be here until the end, although sometimes I have to walk outside because I can't breath. I just want to scream, "Baby please don't leave me". I'm sure I wouldn't be the first on the cancer floor to do that. I'm praying for God's mercy and Grace. Please take her home Lord, and thy will be done.

All for now. God Bless and love all of you.

Day 298 Continued

Friday night and they just came in and increased Becka's pain medicines. Earlier, she was trying to talk to me and couldn't, so I held her hand and just acted like I understood what she was saying. I massaged her back and legs, and Ruth sang to her. She responds to my voice. Every time I say something she opens her eyes, but it was torturing me to think that she couldn't tell me if something was hurting, so I called her doctor. He immediately increased her pain meds. I would rather take a chance and know that she's not hurting anywhere. It's all that matters to me tonight. I've already said goodbye to Beck. She and I were alone in the room earlier, and I said it in my own way, but I also let her know that we would all be together in Heaven. It's just for now that the love of my life has to go.

 I realized tonight something that is hurting me even more. It's not that the woman I love is leaving. It's that the woman who loves ME is leaving. Becka loves me unconditionally, despite all of my short comings. She accepted all of my faults and still chose to lay beside me every night, for the rest of her life. Love and commitment, two words that most take for granted these days. Beck and I never did. When we married and said we would love each other forever, we BOTH meant it. She held me up as her man and her husband, and she was proud of me. She was never ashamed to call herself Mrs Patton. Her heart is that of a warrior. Even now she is trying to stay. When she's ready, she will go, but until then she's not done here. I pray that God grants her mercy, and makes sure she doesn't hurt at all until he embraces her and draws her to him.

I am grateful to God for every second with Becka. Even though our life here is ending, I have changed in ways that I never thought I could. She taught me about love, respect, and dedication, and every day with her, I knew that I was loved. Tonight my heart feels hollow and empty. I have dreaded this for so long, but I have to get to the end. Becka took some clay, made the man that she wanted, and here I sit, and now that I don't have her to love me anymore, I fear that I will never be loved that way again.

Tonight I honor the greatest woman, Lady, Friend, and wife I have ever known. She is my Angel, and soon she will be with the angels. I know she will be missed, but she will never be forgotten, not by me or anyone who knew her. She's way too special.

Tomorrow is a new day. Good night and God Bless.

Day 298

Friday afternoon and things are calming down. Last night was the worst night of my life. I managed to get a little sleep from pure exhaustion, but Ruth stayed up pretty much all night. We both stayed with Beck at the hospital. Beck has pneumonia, so both of her lungs are filling with fluid. I slept with her on the bed for a long time last night, whispering in her ear. She responds to my voice, and she even kissed me, so I know she can hear me and understands what I'm saying. On one hand I'm glad, but on the other I wish she didn't. She was fully aware of the fact that she was drowning this morning when her lungs filled with fluid. She was crying through the gurgling, and Ruth and I were hysterical, pleading with the nurses to do something. They called in someone from "Respiratory" who cleared her lungs with a tube through her nose. She calmed right down, but she got upset when I said, "God please just take her". Beck knew what I meant, and she's not ready to go yet. I've learned that until someone is ready, they aren't going to give up the spirit. 

This morning, Ruth ran home for a few, and I stayed until the doctor came in. We made the decision to leave Beck here instead of moving her to hospice. The doctor said we have hours to days left, so they can make her comfortable here. Respiratory has been in a couple of times to clean out her lungs. We aren't going to let that happen again. One of Beck's biggest fears has always been of drowning. She drowned when she was a child, so I can imagine how she felt when her lungs were full. 

I was pretty distraught this morning when I left the hospital to go home and shower, so I called a friend of mine, (thanks Kevin). I told him that she didn't want to go, and was fighting to stay. He gave me some scripture to read to her, then he suggested that I go about it from a different angle. He said to remind her that we would all be in Heaven, and that there would be no separation from her family, but rather we would all be together with God. It was brilliant. I came back here and whispered in her ear, "Baby, God wants all of us to go to Heaven to be with him. He wants the kids, and You and Me, and your sisters and brother, and your parents, and everyone, to come to Heaven and be together forever with him. We are all going and we want you to go with us." As soon as I said that, she relaxed. It was amazing. We aren't going to be separated from each other if we are believers. Everything I said to her was the truth, and it makes it easier for her to let go of this life as long as we remind her that we are all going to be in the same place. I'm going to keep whispering in her ear that she's the most beautiful woman in the world, and how much I love her for as long as I have breaths in me, but I'm giving her up to God, and asking him to take her home now. It is accomplished. Well done.

I'm going to do a few things. Will write more later. God Bless.

Day 297

It's Thursday night and this is by far the worst day of my entire life to date. I've never hurt so much for so long. I'm sitting in a hospital room watching the love of my life slip away, straining for every breath. I'm praying for God's mercy. Beck took a turn this afternoon and she's close to going home. The cancer is finally going to win. I've been looking at old pictures, torturing myself, and I've come to one conclusion. No man has ever lost as much as I'm losing tonight. I have dreaded this day for some time now, and please don't be offended at what I just said about loss. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The fairy tale is ending. The beautiful, wonderful woman who chose me for her man is leaving me and I can't do a thing about it. The world doesn't even seem real right now. It's like being trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. We had so many plans for the future, and now I'm going to be alone again. Tonight is about her though, so I want all of you to know how incredibly wonderful she is. She's the best mother of all time, the best friend anyone ever had, the best wife ever created, and the best person I ever met. Her heart has always been for others. She is beautiful in every way imaginable. 

I thought my life was set, and now my life is gone. I don't know how I'm going to continue without her. I have no desire to right now. I have to think about one thing at a time though, and Ruth and I are making sure she doesn't suffer. I will be by her when she leaves me, like I said I would. To death do we part, and I meant it. Death is coming tonight for the angel in my dreams, and I know she's going to live forever. I just really hate this world right now. 

Please pray for God's mercy. Pray that he will call her home and take care of all involved. I know God is with us, and I don't blame him. I just can't take this pain by myself. This is too much for anyone, and I don't want to be a widower. I guess I'll have to accept this eventually, but not tonight.

The name of my blog is "My Journey With Becka". That journey is ending soon, and a new journey will start. I only hope that God gives me the strength and desire to go on it, because right now I have neither.

I'll write in the morning. Good night and God Bless.

Day 296 Continued

Wednesday night and I'm back at the hospital. I took Andrew to his Taekwondo testing tonight. He's now a black stripe! I was so proud of him. He was spot on with his form and he broke his board the first time. Now I'll always be a belt behind him, but that's okay. He and I WILL get our black belts together one day. We made a pact and we've both come this far. If my body holds up, I'm going back when life settles down a bit.

I'm going to update here a little then try to lay down and get some sleep. I want to be able to get up immediately if something happens during the night. We are moving Beck to the Hospice home down the road. Hopefully we can move her tomorrow but it's up to her doctor. They have a bed if we need it. She will be much more comfortable there. The kids can spend the night in her room. We can bring the dogs to see her, and her bed will be a real bed made of wood. She will have her own room with Cable TV and wireless internet and anyone can come see her. She is in very good spirits tonight. She's laughing and singing, and right now she's talking to Gina on the phone. I wish you could see her face how happy she is. God has given her peace. Gina's voice always makes her smile. I understand that.

Time is short and my emotions are so far gone that I can't describe them anymore. I go from anger to frustration to hysterical laughing. I try to stay on even ground when I'm with Beck, but I still can't believe in my heart that she's leaving me. I can't believe it or accept it. It's not fair, I'm not going to act like it is, and the one thing you don't want to say to me is "God's Will". If this is God's will he can keep it. I don't think it is though. He didn't give her cancer, he doesn't cause pain and suffering. God is love. The world we live in is responsible for the pain we live in. One day we will all be together. Beck will be standing there waiting for me, her eyes glowing and her mouth smiling, her arms outstretched and her long black hair blowing in the wind. I remember the woman I first met, and she's right here but her body is failing. Her soul will live forever, and one day, we will be together again. Until then I'm broken. I'm clinging to a life that is leaving me and I'm in tremendous pain, but I have to go on one day at a time. I only wish that I could see and touch what was killing her, so that I could kill it first, but I can't, and I feel so helpless and empty. No one should ever feel this way, and I pray that one day I'm in a position to help someone else. Beck is going to be fine. She's going to paradise, but the world she is leaving behind for me and everyone else will be very dark and won't make sense anymore. I don't know if I can do this, as if I have a choice.

I'm stopping here so that I don't have to be a basket case in front of her. I don't want to take away the peace that God has given her. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 296

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm sitting at the hospital watching Beck go in and out of consciousness.  She can't seem to relax. She goes to sleep, then snaps awake. I've seen this before. It's like deja vu. When my Grandfather passed from cancer, it was like this. I just put her earbuds in and I'm playing her music from her Iphone. She still knows who she is and who we are. She knows what is happening but I don't think that will be the case much longer.  I'm praying for God to give her peace right now. She woke up several times last night and pulled her port out again. After the nurse put it back in and redressed it, I took a pillowcase and draped it under Beck's shirt, then tucked in in on the back so that if she scratched at her port in her sleep, it wouldn't pull out. She's on the strongest pain medicine she can be on, and she's having to take it every hour or two because she's in pain. I went home this morning for a little while and took a nap. I must have passed out because I woke up three hours later. I got up and took a shower, then came up here. Ruth and the nurses had given Beck a sponge bath and I brushed her teeth for her. The doctors have told us that Beck doesn't have much longer here. They say maybe weeks and she will be going Home to Heaven. We are going to maybe see about getting her in the Hospice Home. A representative is coming by sometime today. I'm going for a walk. I'll write more later.

I'm home now and I'm fixing to take Andrew to his taekwondo testing. Ruth and her Parents are with Beck until we get finished, then I'm going back up for the night. I met with Hospice and we are moving her to the Hospice home tomorrow if her doctor goes along with it in the morning. I will write more when I get to the hospital tonight.

God Bless.

Day 295

It's Tuesday night and everyone is gone but Beck and me. It's been a long day. This will be a little short because I'm running on pure desire to stay awake. Beck and I were up all night. She has a "port" surgically implanted in her chest that she had put in before she started Chemo last year. This allows the doctors to tap an IV straight in to her bloodstream through her chest. For the last two nights she has pulled it out in her sleep. It bothers her skin sometimes so she starts scratching and eventually pulls the needle out. I woke last night to beeps and alarms telling me that her IV wasn't feeding anymore because it was out, and she was bleeding from her port. Both times I call the nurse and stop the bleeding. It's easy to put back in, but it wakes us both up and she needs her sleep. I was up all night because her breathing was so labored and I could hear the fluid in her lungs. She was gasping for air a couple of times, so I sat her up a little in the bed. That seems to help. I fell asleep around five this morning, then woke around seven when Ruth got here. I don't know how I'm still awake except I've been eating sugar all day. When I lay down I will probably crash, but I don't want to. I want to be awake for her. Beck's legs have changed colors due to the blood clots. She lays in bed on her back and stares at the ceiling while her right hand is in the air. Last night she was talking to someone. I believe it might be Jesus telling her it's okay. We are going to try and get her up tomorrow to walk a little, but she is still on very powerful pain medicines. The doctor wants her to try and get up. Tonight is going to be a long night, but I'm so grateful for all of the people who came by to see her today, and for all of you who pray for her. God Bless you. She's snoring right now and resting peacefully. God is in charge, and she could walk out of here. It's always been in his hands. 

I went home to do a few things today but I couldn't seem to get it together, then Ruth called me and told me Becka was in pain, asking for me, and her blood pressure was spiking, so I drove a hundred mph to get back here, and she was okay. If I get some sleep tonight, I'll take care of several things tomorrow. If not, then they can wait. She is all that matters.

I'm calling it a night. I will update if anything happens during the night, but my mind isn't working properly and I just can't think straight.

God Bless and Sweet Dreams.

Day 294

It's Monday night and my Baby is sleeping soundly. It's wonderful to see her relaxed finally. Hospital beds aren't built for comfort, no matter how they look. The nurse just came in and gave her a shot in her stomach and she didn't even flinch. She gave her a pill to take as well, and Beck went right back to sleep. We don't know much more than we did because she had an MRI today of her brain, and we won't get the results back until tomorrow. The doctor came in early this morning, so he probably will tomorrow as well. She ate well today. She had hospital breakfast food, and I went down when they opened and got her a Mocha from Starbucks and a cinnamon coffee cake. I don't care what she eats right now, as long as she eats. For lunch, I brought her an Arby's beef and cheddar and some curly fries, and she didn't eat much supper. Come to think of it, neither did I. I may go get something in a few. I don't think she's going to wake up again any time soon.

I'm praying with all of my heart that she leaves here and goes home. I don't want this to be the end. God is in charge, but I can express to him how I feel. I just have to accept the outcome. I'm praying that the medicines they are giving her will dissolve the embolisms in her leg and lung. Ruth got here late last night. She and Mom came to the hospital. I wish the whole family could be here right now. I want everyone to be able to see her while she knows who they are. 

I had to go home for a few this evening after Beck's Dad and Mom brought the kids up here. I felt so completely alone when I got there, so I only stayed for a few. Everywhere I looked I saw Becka. She leaves an impression on everyone and everything she comes in contact with. She has taken very good care of my heart, that much is certain. When I got back to the hospital, I got everyone in to another room and wanted to have a family talk. I told the kids that I'm proud of them and I know they are hurting, but I need them to help me as much as possible. We had a very good conversation. I told them this is no time for bickering or sarcasm, and no matter how they felt it wasn't wrong. I'm going to get them some Christian counseling from my church. We ended in a prayer, and my Uncle Kirk showed up to see Beck. She had quite a few people come see her today. I hope she remembers them coming by.

I need to go find some food, then come back here for the night. One of the nurses came in and made my bed for me, so it ought to be better than last night. My male pride prohibited me from asking how the bed worked yesterday. One bad night cures that. 

I'll write more tomorrow morning after the doctor comes in. God is in charge. Becka stares off in to space more and more, and she fiddles with her right hand. She tore her port out of her chest last night in her sleep, but I was on it and got it to stop bleeding, then called the nurse who put it right back in. She's sleeping much more soundly tonight. I say that and she just had a choking spell. My heart is beating in my jaw. The doctors say that if the embolism closes off or moves, she will go immediately away. I can't explain how I feel right now. I don't want her to go. I'll never be ready for it, but I will be here when she does. I still can't believe this.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

Day 293

Sunday night and I'm glad this day is coming to an end. I'm sitting beside the love of my life, watching her try to take off her oxygen and breathing labored. She makes a grunting sound every time she takes a breath. They found two blood clots in her lung, and one in her leg. She was in enormous pain today, so we called the ambulance. The paramedics gave her morphine before we left the house, but it didn't do any good. She hurt all the way to the hospital. When we got here, they gave her more morphine, but  finally gave her Dilaudid. She's not in pain anymore, but she's not on this planet anymore. I don't care about that, I'm just so very grateful that she's not hurting. They are giving her Dilaudid every two hours for now, and shots in her stomach to try and break up the blood clots. They are also giving her meds in her IV. I'm spending the night here beside of her. The room they have her in is very nice and I'm extremely impressed with the staff here. They've treated her top notch. 

The entire time that Beck has been fighting this cancer, I've been able to deal with it in some way, but I couldn't handle watching her in pain. I've never prayed so long and so hard as I did today. I begged the Lord to take her out of pain, and held her hand while trying to not let her see how terrified I was. Cancer is like a nightmare that keeps on going. It takes as much as it can before it's done. I hate it. I'll be watching her all night again for sure. I don't have to tell you what happens if one of the blood clots moves or closes up. Watching her lay beside of me, gasping for air and hurting at the same time, I ask God for mercy, no matter how he gives it. Never the less, I want to see her walking out of here. I want to take her home and not in pain. Please pray that the blood clots break up. God's will be done.

This is going to be a little short. I want to pay attention to her, and I can't think straight. God Bless and I love you all. Sweet Dreams. I will post in the morning on how she is doing after her doctor comes by.

Day 292

Saturday night and I just put Becka to bed. I gave her a shower earlier before the party. We had Andrew's birthday party today and it went very well. We decorated and hung streamers and balloons, and we had all kinds of snacks and cake. He had a fantastic time. All of my family and his friends showed up, even my stepbrother who I had written off for dead. A couple of months ago, I went to see him in the hospital. He was on life support and they were giving him the maximum amount of medicines that they can give someone without killing them. He was on a breathing machine, and he had another machine making his heart beat. Today, he walked in my house and gave Beck a hug. He is a walking, talking, miracle of God. I remember praying over him and laying hands on him in the hospital, and everyone was talking about him dying, but I knew that it was up to God. Daryl is a believer today. He knows that God kept him alive. I just pray that he finds out why God kept him alive like I did.

Beck looked beautiful at the party. I put one of her favorite shirts on her and some blue jean shorts, and she wore earrings, a necklace, and her black hat. She felt okay this morning, but after everyone started leaving, I asked her to try and walk outside. It took a few minutes to get her there, but when we got  out the door, she turned her head to the sky and let the sun hit her in the face. We were there about five minutes, and she started shaking, so I walked her straight in the bedroom and put her to bed. She went down twice today. I always check on her when she's in the bedroom, and I tell her not to try and get up without me, but it's useless now. She can't use her phone anymore, and I bought an airhorn and put it beside the bed, but she doesn't even acknowledge it. I was outside hanging up the bathroom carpets in the back yard so that they would dry faster, and when I got back in and checked on her, I found that she had gone to the bathroom by herself and her legs gave out. I picked her up and helped her back to the bed. She was okay but hurting. The second time she went down today was when I was walking her to the bathroom. I always walk backwards and hold her right hand in my left while I have my right hand around her back. She was doing good, but when we got to the bathroom, she started hurting so badly that she had to sit down on the floor. I sat with her for a few until she quit hurting, then I went and got her Dad. I'm so glad he's here. It's much easier for him and me to pick her up together because we can get under her arms and behind her without hurting her. If she gets any weaker, I'm going to have to call in Hospice. She's almost bed ridden. She's still eating, but no where near as much. Her pain is getting worse, and her breathing is so labored that she hyperventilates. 

The pain bothers me the worst, but we are taking care of that proactively. I give her pain pills during the day before she asks for them, but I'm calling the doctor Monday and asking for something stronger. I think it's time for Oxycontin, but I'm not a doctor. We will rely on the wisdom of a real Doc. Tonight I noticed something else. Becka's eyes are set. When I finally got her to bed tonight, she relaxed and was okay. I always kneel beside the bed, take her hand and pray with her. I asked her to look me in the eyes, and she couldn't. She's gazing off in to space, and her pupils aren't clear. She still knows who I am and who she is, but I can see the progression. The thing that broke my heart and made me cry once again tonight was her sense of humor, which she still has. Even though she couldn't look in my eyes, she said, "I love you so much". I said, "You could have done better", and tried to let her see me smile. She did smile and said, "Yeah but I wouldn't have my dogs". Then she told me she loved me again, and went to sleep. I went outside and started writing this, but it started raining so I came inside and started watching "Wipe Out" with Beck's parents. We talked for a minute about Beck, and I got upset, so Beck's Father prayed with us. I may have a sick wife, but they have a sick daughter. We are all grieving together, and we will get past this together. 

I'm very grateful for the birthday party today. It made her and Andrew happy. After the party, I took Andrew and all of the kids out to my Father's house and let him shoot his new rifle. We were there for about an hour, then we came back and Beck was still in bed. If she gets bedridden, we will have to explore other options. Until then, as long as she can get up and walk, we are okay for another day. This too shall pass, and another day will bring something else. Dad's prayer tonight meant a lot to me. I pray that God intervenes before this gets as bad as we know it can. Please God help us.

Thank you and God Bless. Sweet Dreams!

Day 291

Friday night and as always, nothing stays the same. Life is always changing, and sometimes it changes rapidly. Beck went to bed an hour ago. She's going to bed for the night earlier and earlier every day. She was hurting in her side and leg. I'm starting some passive physical therapy tomorrow, but she's so tender that we need to be very easy. She can barely walk now, and she's lost complete track of what day it is and the time. A very good friend of mine from work brought us all supper tonight. She, her Mother, and her son brought us enough Chicken Alfredo, salad, bread, and desert to feed all of us twice and the neighbors, which we did. She also brought some cards from two of my stores, both of which had money in them. I'm so grateful for the sacrifice that people have made. One day I'll be in a position to pay it back one way or another. Cheryl brought all of the food in and said hey to Beck, then five minutes later Beck asked what we were going to do for dinner. Her long term memory is still good, but short term isn't. 

She stayed up quite a bit today though for Andrew's birthday. His party isn't until tomorrow, but we let him open his gifts from us today. He was ecstatic! We have a store that sells second hand computers here, and I found a brand new HP laptop with 500 gigs and 3 gigs of ram for about a third of the price that Walmart had the same computer. We gave him that and a new case for it. It has a built in camera, five USB ports, internal disc drive, and it still had the factory plastic on top of it. He has wanted one for a while now and it made his morning, but this evening I blew his mind.

 I told him a couple of years ago that when he turned thirteen I would buy him a .22 rifle, and he kinda forgot, so tonight we gave him a Savage bolt action .22 rifle. It holds one in the chamber and ten in the clip. We also gave him a case and strap for it, and enough ammunition to take out the town. The Ammo is in the safe, and the keys to the bolt lock are too. We are all about safety, and he is very responsible. He knows not to touch it when I'm not here, and he knows it's not a BB gun, but rather a deadly weapon that will kill anything he shoots. We are going shooting tomorrow, but I'm signing him up for a gun safety course at the Sheriff's Department. Safety first! You should have seen his eyes when he realized what it was that he was opening. He thought it was another sword. He has a very impressive collection of samarai swords on his wall. We built him a rack for them. Andrew is extremely good with his hands. He had I have built erector sets together, and I've taught him how to use tools. We've built quite a few things like shelves and such, but the coolest thing he's done with me so far was either when we went shooting at my Dad's, or when I let him cut down a tree with the chain saw. He's all boy, that much is certain. He's testing for his black stripe in Taekwondo this month, and they made him an instructor. He teaches the white belt kids.

 I guess the best thing that happened today was that Beck was able to see him as happy as he is capable of being on his birthday. She smiled the entire time, and I saw a couple of tears. Beck is the greatest mother ever. The kids absolutely adore her. I have to remember that they are still kids and are handling this on teenage levels. We will all need counseling when this is over, so I'm going to go ahead and set it up. Cancer services offers counseling to kids of parents with Cancer, and my church has a fantastic pastoral group with pastors who have their degrees in counseling as well. I lean towards Christian counseling because they explain things through the word of God so that the kids can understand the entire meaning of what is going on.

I stayed up for a long time last night. I cried for a while, posted some pictures of Beck on line, then cried some more. I guess the Anniversary took a toll on my heart. I kept going in and touching her face gently, covering her up and fixing her pillows. I finally laid down about three thirty, then she and I went back to bed this morning after I got Autumn up for school. Andrew didn't go because he was sick last night and this morning, but he seems to be fine now. Beck seems to be deteriorating. I say this with all sincerity. If you are going to come see her, even for a few minutes, do it now. She sleeps a lot and her pain is increasing to the point where I'm probably going to have to get the doctor to give her something stronger than what she is taking. Her appetite has been great up until this evening. She only ate about half of her supper and wasn't hungry anymore. 

I don't know why this is happening to one of the most wonderful women God ever created. I hate cancer. It takes everything away. It makes everyone around the person with it feel helpless and at it's mercy. It's almost like it has an evil mind of it's own. I stay so frustrated. Not at Beck, but at myself for not being able to do more. I neglect people by not calling them, and I don't mean to, but I get tunnel vision and she's all I think about. There are so many people who have reached out to me who I love with all of my heart. I pray that you don't think I'm casting you to the side. I just can't seem to concentrate on anything but her right now. The birthday gifts and party are for Andrew because he's such a great young man and deserves it, but they are for her too. When she sees him or Autumn happy, it makes her even happier. All of you who have children understand that. Beck's heart is always for someone else. She grieves because she doesn't want to leave us alone. She knows perfectly that she is going to be fine. It's us that won't for a while, and I don't know if I will ever be complete again. She owns my heart and it goes where she goes. Only time will tell how things will be. Until then, we are all scared and worn out. God gives us strength for one day at a time, and we take it with gratitude.

I'm going to check on her and stay up all night again I guess. I'll catch up on sleep next year. Until then, I love you guys. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

Day 290

Thursday night and I'm a little worried. Beck already went to bed and she was in a lot of pain. Her side and her head were hurting, so I gave her several pain pills, changed her clothes, and tucked her in. Then I laid hands on her and prayed the pain away by the blood of Christ, and immediately she relaxed and was able to go to sleep. She was crying because the pain was so bad, and when I finished praying, she was content. There are those who would say that the Vicodin took away the pain. I guess you had to be there. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I've experienced God's mercy so many times. All I have to do is let him do it. Free will keeps God from intervening, but every time I've ever called out to him for help, it has come in one way or another. 

Today is our Anniversary! I know that I posted the other day that it was on the twenty third. My mind isn't running on all cylinders. I gave Beck some flowers and a diamond cross on a chain. She gave me a new Craftsman socket set. She just doesn't know it yet, lol. She can't get out to get me anything, and I have all I need, but it's important for her to be able to get me something too, so I'll pick it up tomorrow. I actually do need some sockets. 

Today has special meanings for me of course. We reflect on our anniversary the past years together and remember the special times. I realize tonight that every time with Becka is special. It always has been. This experience has taught me how to never take anyone or anything for granted. She and I both know that this will be our last anniversary together, and that tears my heart completely in two, so I have to try and make this one as special as possible. If she's up to it, we are going out to eat Saturday early afternoon. Some friends of ours gave us a couple of gift cards, so we are going to the Brazilian Steak House if she feels like it. There are a lot of things that will be the last. Andrew's birthday is tomorrow and his party is Saturday. I can't wait. I made it special for him as well, but it's for her too. Andrew and Autumn have always been the light in Becka's eyes. They are her greatest accomplishments. She has raised them both to love the Lord, respect their elders and each other, and be responsible. Beck has always been the nurturing one, and I of course and the stern Dad. (Not so stern these days). I'm the one who reminds them that they didn't do their chores, but I'm also the one who they come to for help, and that means the world to me. I was up with Andrew at three O'clock in the morning. He hasn't been feeling good and he had some bad dreams. We prayed together and had a chocolate fudge pop tart, then I let him sleep on the couch. Autumn goes with me everywhere I go these days. She depends on me and looks to me for protection, because she knows that I would give my life for either of them. I told them a long time ago that when I married their Mother, I married them too, and they will always have a home with me. I will always provide for them and be there as their stepdad and friend. I'm just glad that their Father and I get along so well. He's a great guy and he loves his kids, (our kids). He trusts me and knows that I take care of them. He and I have never had a cross word and never will I pray. The kids see the relationship he and I have and that makes things much easier on them. Together, he and I teach them about love and respect, and he's a Redskin fan. That's EXTREMELY important! Mike is truly one of the good guys, and I'm grateful for that.

I gave Andrew an early birthday present tonight. He wanted a Redskin hoodie like the one I got the other day, so I got him one and he loves it! I want Beck to be awake when we give him his other presents. Please pray for her extra tonight. She's hurting and I pray that it's just a pulled muscle or a spasm, but the pain is coming from the spot where she was hurting when they originally diagnosed her cancer. Her main tumor was right there, and it's not being treated. I'm going to keep a close eye on her tonight, you can bet on that. Living with a loved one who is fighting cancer is like living on top of a keg of dynamite. We walk around delicately and pray it doesn't go off, even though we know that one day it will. It's all in God's hands. I wish it was in mine because I don't know his plan or reason, but I'm still trying to do what he wants me to do. He took her pain away tonight. I know that much for a fact.

Beck's Mom just told me that Beck was upset earlier because we couldn't go out for our Anniversary. All that matters to me is that we are together tonight. As sick as she is, she still lets me know every day that she loves me. It's important to her for me to know how she feels about me. I pray that I have been the husband she and God want me to be. I'm here until the end.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Happy Wedding Anniversary!

So, today, September 20, 2012, is Randy & Becka's Wedding Anniversary! I know, you thought it was the 23rd because Randy said that last night. But, you know guys... ;) Oh, this is Ruth, by the way. Becka's Sister. I am hijacking this blog for the next few hours and asking all of Randy & Becka's family & friends to write a special message to them on the blog here as it will be something special they will always have & can look back on (verses posting on Facebook where it will eventually disappear). :) It all began on an internet chat room & led to this beautiful love story that you have been following here for month. Below are some pictures from the wedding for you all to enjoy.  Love, Ruth

 

 

 

This video was made by Becka right before their first wedding anniversary.

*P.S. If you don't have one of the "accounts" listed in the comment section, just click on "Anonymous" to post your comment.

Day 289

It's Wednesday night and I'm enjoying this weather on the back porch. The sky is beautiful and the temperature is about sixty. It's been a good day. I woke up about three O'clock in the morning and knew immediately that I wasn't going back to sleep, so I stayed up and watched the "Hallmark" channel. I watched "Cheers" and "Frazier", two shows that I used to watch all of the time. The steroids I'm taking are intense. I have one more day at sixty milligrams, then I go to forty for three days, then twenty for three days, then I'm off. They have made me feel so much better. I'm usually pretty active. I take taekwondo at least four nights a week, but for the last month or so I've been sitting on the "depressed" couch eating crunchy cheetos, and it has taken a toll on me. This morning, I woke Andrew up and he was sick with a headache. I can tell when he's sick and I knew immediately that he didn't feel good, so I sent him back to bed. Beck woke up shortly after and I got her up and to the bathroom, then walked her to the living room and her chair. She can't walk or get up by herself anymore. Her left hand isn't working properly and has no strength. I have to grab hold of her and walk with her every step. That's why I'm glad her Dad is here. He's very strong and can walk her just fine. I made her some breakfast. She wanted Ravioli. Then I hung out for a bit. She went to lay back down and I did some things around the house. Finally around eleven she got back up and I got her to the bathroom and her chair again. She felt good and told me she was okay there for a while, so I went for a run/walk down the street and around the neighborhood. I worked up a good sweat and got in a pretty good workout. I went through one of my taekwondo forms a couple of times and did some stretches, some situps, and some pushups. It felt great! I'm back in the swing of things. I'm on a mission to lose thirty pounds. It will be easy if I eat like I did today, work out for at least thirty minutes a day, and drink water instead of soda. I weigh 205 right now, and I know from experience that I feel my best at 175. 

When I got back to the house, I got ready and went to work for a while. Beck and her Mom were working on photo albums. Beck's Mom has put our pictures in albums for us and they are fantastic! These albums will be passed down to generations, and she and Beck have had a great time doing them. It's good to keep Beck's mind occupied on positive things. I am going to ask her Dad to have a bible study tomorrow. It always seems like we don't have time, but we need to make time for it and drop something else. It was good to get back to work today and see some of my friends. They all asked how she is doing, and how I am doing. I can tell when someone really cares, and I have to realize that some of the smartest people day the dumbest things because no one really knows what to say. I can see it in their eyes, and I know they want to pull their words out of the air, so I always say that it's okay. I'm grateful to those who want to know how things are going. They are hurting for us too.

Beck's Mom made supper tonight and I took Autumn and Dillon to Walmart to pick up one of Andrew's birthday presents. They are having a sale on Barbie stuff. (That's for if Andrew is reading this). Just kidding buddy. I can't say what we got, but he will like it. I'll fill you in on Saturday after the party. Beck and my anniversary is the Twenty third of this month. I'm afraid of taking her out of the house while she's having seizures, so I'm going to have to do something special here. I have a DVD of our wedding video. I would really like to watch it with her, but I'm afraid of what it might do to me and I don't want to upset her. We will see. When I think back to that day, it seems like a dream. I remember everything about it. I got dressed at the church because I didn't want my Tux to get dirty. I didn't see her until she came down the aisle, and I remember distinctly how my heart felt. I was so much in love, and I have loved her more every day. This short time we have spent together has changed me as a man, and made me in to one. Becka made me in to a man capable of loving, and of being loved. I never dreamed it would come to this, but it wouldn't have mattered. Every day with her has been a gift to me that money could never buy. She is such an individual, so unique in every way. I could pick her out of a million women in a split second just by looking in to her eyes. I can't explain to you in words how it feels to watch someone you love so much go away from you, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's a feeling of helplessness and complete powerlessness. I'm an alpha male. I've always been strong willed to a fault, but I'm putty in her hands. That's how much power she has over me. I'm so scared, all of the time. I just pray that God stays with me, because there is no way I'll make it if he doesn't. I'm not asking why anymore. I'm just doing the best I can to make him proud, and make her as happy as possible. It's all I can do.

Okay now I'm shaking. I don't know if the temperature dropped in the air, or in my heart. A little bit of both I think. I'm going to get her situated and lay down for the night. Thanks for letting me write this, and thanks for reading it. I love you guys.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 288

It's Tuesday night and I'm feeling much better. For the past two weeks I have felt awful. I went to the doctor who put me on an antibiotic, but it did no good, so today I went to another doctor. They did a chest xray and an xray of my sinus cavity. I have a bad sinus infection and a small amount of pneumonia in my right lung. Otherwise I'm okay. The doctor today put me on another antibiotic called Biaxin, he gave me a steroidal nasal spray, an inhaler for my chest, and he put me on steroids for two weeks. I already feel a thousand times better. I really didn't know how bad I was feeling until today. I've been so caught up in everything else that I had tunnel vision, and I forgot how it felt to feel good, if that makes sense. I'm really glad I went.

Becka had a good day. She slept the better part of the day. She took all of her meds, and her head was hurting this afternoon, so I gave her a pain pill early. She usually doesn't take them until bedtime because that's when everything hurts. She's up watching "Face Off" right now, but I'm fixing to give her a shower and go to bed. We had a great visit from some very good friends today. That made her happy. It always does and it was good to see everyone. They are all people who we take taekwondo with. Our friend Sara prayed with Beck before she left. It's always good to include God.

We ordered a pizza early because I was starving. Beck had some hot wings. I can't see us being up much longer. I'm going to rest my body as much as I can. I have to go to work tomorrow for a while. I hate it but my boss called and said if there is any way I can work for a couple of hours, it would be great. I'm going to try my best!

Today has been a good day. One of my stores brought us a cake, a basket of goodies, and a card by that was signed by all of my friends at work. It really meant a lot and I'm going by to thank them in person. Gestures like that tell me that people care, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was blessed with another day beside the love of my life. I'm grateful for every second we have together. I love it when she kisses me and tells me she loves me, which she did tonight. There aren't words to describe how it feels in my heart to know that this woman, who chose me to spend her life with and who I think is the greatest in the world, still loves me despite all of my short comings. She has God in her heart, and she's going to live forever. Of that, I have no doubt. I couldn't make it through the day if I thought otherwise.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 287

Monday night and Beck has gone to bed. Today has flown by. I was up all night watching her and listening to her breath, so I got up early and got the kids out the door, then went back to bed. I got back up with Beck around nine, then we laid back down. I woke back up around twelve o'clock, and I've been so tired all day that I can hardly hold my eyes open. I did get out of the house for a little while this evening and bought Andrew a couple of things for his birthday this Friday. We are having his party Saturday. I wish I could tell you what I got him, but I'll have to wait to post it after the party. Beck slept most of the day until she got up to eat this evening, and she watched a little TV, but when I stood her up to go to bed, she had another small episode like last night. I held her tightly so that she would know she wasn't going to fall, and I whispered that it was okay and for her to take deep breaths. I also started praying. Her legs tried to fail, but she came back around and we took baby steps to the bedroom. When we got there, I changed her clothes and tucked her in. She doesn't even remember what happened last night. That's probably a good thing. 

It's amazing to see the changes from just a short time ago. My vibrant, energetic wife who was so full of life can't walk across the room without help. The cancer and the treatments have tried their best to beat her, but she's still fighting and will until the end. There is also a peace with Beck that God must have put on her, because it wasn't there before. Her body is failing her, and she's happy most of the time. There is no self pity, sorrow, or regret. There is only love in her eyes when she looks at me. I pray that no matter how bad this gets, she never forgets who I am or how much I love her.

I may be getting sick. I can't hold my eyes open and the kids have been sick for a week with colds. I really hope not, but if so I'll deal with it. For now, I need to go to bed. I've cried and hurt myself to exhaustion, and I can't afford to get sick. God will see me through this. He brought me to it, so he will bring me through it.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Love you all!

Day 286 Continued....

Well after I posted my blog tonight, I went to get Beck to bed. She stood up and took about three steps, then had a seizure so bad that I had to take her to the ground. She went completely out and I held her and kept saying, "Baby". Finally, she started breathing normally again and she came back, but she was completely spent. Glory be to God for the fact that her Dad was here. He and I picked her up off the floor and walked her to the bed. By then she was completely back and said goodnight to everyone. 

My heart is still racing in my chest. I won't sleep at all tonight. I thought I was going to lose her in my arms. I prayed and cried until she came back. I really do hate cancer with all of my heart. This was by far the worst one she's had. It is almost prophetic that I just said in my blog, "It's going to get worse before it gets better". Please pray that God will take this off of her and comfort her parents. They are torn I know. This is their daughter.

I just wanted everyone to know what happened. Good night and God Bless.

Day 286

Sunday night and Beck and I just split a chocolate chip cookie brownie. I made them after supper for the first time. I made a pan of brownies and spooned chocolate chip cookie dough in to it. I must say, they are fantastic. Today has been a long but good day, with the exception of a couple of times. We woke pretty early. Beck woke me about five and needed me to get up with her and help her, so we stayed up for a while. I fixed her some breakfast and gave her the morning steroid and fluid pill, then we went back to bed for about an hour. Beck stayed in bed a little while longer, then I helped her to her chair and fixed her something else to eat. Her appetite is still very good because of the steroids. Her right foot has gone down, but her left is still swollen. She went back to bed and she slept the better part of the day. She was doing good until one time I was helping her to the bedroom, and she stopped and had another small seizure. I sat her down on the couch and waited it out, then I got her back up and we took baby steps to the bed. I had stripped it down to wash the sheets, but she didn't care. It takes everything out of her to get there, so when she lays down, it feels awesome to her. She has to fight so hard to walk these days, and it has become painful. Her body is hurting, so I take it very easy and we go slow. I gave her a shower this morning and then I took one and shaved. I worked on the house most of the day and watched the Redskin game. My birthday present from Beck and the kids was a year subscription to all of the Redskin games. I can watch them on my computer if they don't show them on TV. 

Beck's parents got here tonight! I cooked a chicken in the crock pot for supper so they ate when they got here. I'm so glad they are back. My heart is at ease now and it's so comforting to know that they are here. I'm sure they are glad to be back as well. My boss called me and I need to go to work for a couple of hours this week, and I can if they are here to take care of her. It all depends on how she is feeling. I told her I wouldn't leave her, and if she doesn't want me to leave, then I won't. Beck's parents help in any way they are needed. They have devoted their entire lives to serving God, and one thing I'm looking forward to is our bible study. I've missed that terribly since they have been gone, and Beck's Dad is a wonderful teacher of the Word. 

Beck is wanting to go to bed, so I'm going to tuck her in and go myself. Everyone has been so wonderful. Beck's Sister Ruth changed the paypal account to make it easier for people who want to donate. She's a genius at setting up webpages and such. I'm so grateful to everyone who has given and sacrificed so that I can stay home with Beck. I really do need to be here, and right now I'm not making any money, but through God and his children, we are just fine. The lights are still on and we haven't had to sell a kid, yet. I haven't found that category on Craigslist. Beck is doing as well as can be expected. She's sleeping all of the time now. I wake her up to eat and do other things, but then she goes back to bed. I know this will get worse before it gets better, but I'm glad she's not in pain. The doctors are taking care of that. 

I'm going to tend to her and get ready for bed myself. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 285

Saturday night and I'm enjoying a cup of coffee. I didn't know how tired I was until I almost fell over face first while we had company. This has actually been a good day. I was worried this morning though. I got up around six thirty, made the coffee, and started checking email. By eight O'clock, Beck was still asleep. I was in and out of the bedroom and she never opened her eyes, so finally at eight thirty I went in and woke her. She was fine, just tired. I got her up and dressed and we went to IHOP for some breakfast. We had a good time, and when I got her back to the house, she went directly back to bed for a couple of hours. I ran to Bojangles and got her some chicken, and she got back up around twelve. I helped her to her chair, and she ate some chicken and a biscuit. She stayed up until around two, then laid back down. At Three thirty, Mike and Andrea came over and brought the new baby, so I went in and got Beck up and dressed. That is one beautiful kid! I knew that the baby would make Becka happy. They have a special pillow that holds the baby on your lap, so Beck got to hold him for a long time. He was all smiles when he was looking at her. They stayed until around six thirty, then they left and I ran and got us some supper. I brought home a strombolli and some fried mushrooms for Beck. As soon as she finished eating she was ready for bed, I gave her the nightly medicines and tucked her in.

We received several blessings today. First of all, I got some fantastically wonderful news this morning. Becka's parents are coming back tomorrow. They are leaving in the morning and have a long drive to get here, so please pray for their safety! I can't tell you what a blessing it is to know that they will be here. Plus, I'm glad for them, because they need to be here for themselves. This is their daughter, and anyone who has children can relate to how they must be feeling. Them coming back is a win win situation all around. Secondly, we were blessed by another family member-Catherine. She has been hosting a Scentsy fundraiser for Beck, and today she sent us a big box of Scentsy merchandise and a check. I can't tell you how much we need it with me not working. We also received checks from other friends. James, if you are reading this, thank you my friend. I know that all of you have sacrificed so that we can be together right now. One day, I will make it up to you.

Beck has done well today. Her feet have gone down and her legs look better! I think that the fluid pills are working! We will take what we can get and anything good gives me pause to look up at God, and look out at you, and say Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

I really am exhausted, so I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams and God Bless!

Day 284

Friday night and the weekend is finally here. It's been a long week. Becka slept the better part of today. I kept a vigil on her. She got up this morning early with me to get Andrew to school, then I woke Autumn and fixed her lunch, and gave Beck a shower while Autumn was getting ready. She stayed up long enough to eat breakfast, then went back to bed. She doesn't like laying on the couch because it's so hard to get up from. I woke her to eat lunch, then I needed to go several places, so I asked her if she was up to it and she said yes. The weather was beautiful so I wanted to get her out of the house if at all possible. Andrew and I bought her some new tennis shoes the other day from Shoe Carnival. Her feet are so swollen that we had to buy a bigger size. I got her dressed and put her new shoes on. I walked her ten feet to the door, and that was as far as we got. Her legs started to get weak and her breathing was very labored, and I asked her if she wanted to stay here and she said yes as tears rolled down her cheeks. It broke my heart because I wasn't trying to push her too much, but I walked her slowly to the bedroom and helped her lay down, then I took off her shoes. She is so content when she gets to the bed, because it takes so much out of her to get there. I tucked her in and she went back to sleep for a while, then got up and I fixed her something else to eat. 

When Andrew got home, she wanted to go lay back down, so I put her back to bed and I asked Andrew to keep an eye on her. I was gone all of thirty minutes. I had to go get a part for our van, then I went to the Verizon store to get a charger for Autumn's phone. When I got back home, I found that Beck had tried to go to the bathroom while I was gone, and she couldn't get dressed again by herself, so she was laying on the bed crying. I laid in front of her and held her. She said she was so frustrated, and I touched her face and told her I wouldn't leave again. That was all I needed to say. She calmed right down and went back to sleep after I helped her get dressed. I waited on Autumn to get here, then I went in and laid down with her. I passed out apparently. I didn't mean to sleep but a few minutes and I napped for two hours. I got up and cooked supper, then I helped her to her chair in the living room and we ate. We watched TV for a little while, but I can tell when she's hurting, so I asked her if she was ready for bed, and she said yes. I gave her the nightly medicines and tucked her in, and now I'm here on the porch by myself writing this. 

I'm not going to be able to leave anymore. I know that people will help me, and I do need help, but not with watching her. I need people to run errands for me and pick stuff up from the store. My boss called me today and wanted to know if I can work one day next week. I told him I would try, but it's not going to be an option. I know and appreciate that many people would come and sit with her, but there are things she only wants me to do, and I don't want her to ever sacrifice her dignity. I told her I wouldn't leave and I'm not going to, unless she's sitting in her chair and I just need to run out for a few minutes. This is my purpose in life. This is not a cross to bear. It is the biggest blessing God ever bestowed upon me. Not that she's sick by any means, but the fact that God restored me to sanity and placed me here at this time in my life, knowing how I feel about her and that I will take care of her. I almost feel like God trusts me, or I wouldn't be here. I'm grateful to him for making it possible  for me to be here. I've looked high and low, up and down for a way to Glorify God in all of this, and here it is. It's not the fact that he didn't heal Beck, but the fact that he did heal me so that I can be here for her. If God hadn't removed the demons in my life, I would be no good to her or anyone else. She relies on me now for everything, and God made that happen, not me. He gets the Glory, because I can tell you this. I tried for years to change the destructive path I was on and I failed miserably. It was only when I hit my knees and prayed, "God please help me", that all of the garbage was removed from my life. On my own power, I am nothing, because I have no power, but with him all things are possible. My anger toward God is gone and my heart, though torn, is filled with gratitude every time she looks at me. She doesn't have to say it. Her eyes say it for her, "I'm glad you are here". Thank you Lord.

My heart aches and yearns for this woman that I love. Her body may be broken, but her heart and her soul are stronger than ever. Although I know that she will be in paradise when she leaves me, the light that she has brought in to my life for such a short time will be gone, and this world will be a very dark place. When I think about it, I can't breath. I become paralyzed with fear and I run to the bedroom to check on her. I don't want her to suffer, but I'll never be prepared for life without her. She is my life and has been since the first time she told me she loved me. I remember that time. I remember the first time I felt her arms around me. I remember our first kiss. All of that is a part of me now, and it will be until I leave this place. I will always feel like we had unfinished business, but tonight I have no regrets.

I'm calling it a night, now that I have torn myself up once again. I love you all.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 283

Thursday night and Beck is gone to bed. She was up for a while today though. It's been an interesting day. I'm going to tell you something that happened, and there is no way you can doubt that God had a hand in it. God made my nose sore today, and I'm glad he did. It will be sore for a while. I woke up at One O'clock this morning from a bad dream and I got up to fix me something to drink. I came in the living room and was going to check my email for a few. I started watching a movie on TV and fell asleep on the couch sitting up. Now anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a professional at sleeping while sitting up. Beck's Mom is good at it too, but this morning I must have leaned forward and I slammed my nose down on the wooden table I sit my laptop on. Of course this woke me up, and something made me spring up off the couch and run to the bathroom, where I found Beck and she needed my help. I'm very grateful to God for waking me up when he did. I would ask though that he do it in a less painful way. My nose left an indention in the table, and no it's not funny. 

Beck and I went back to bed until about four thirty, then she got up and I helped her to the living room. I fixed her some strawberry creme oatmeal and got the kids out the door, then she went back to bed. I probably should have, but I started cleaning and enjoying the two cups of coffee coursing through me. I did a few things around the house, and around eleven I started lunch. I cut up three chicken breasts and fried them in teriyaki sauce, and I made some noodles. I helped Beck to her chair and we ate lunch and watched a few episodes of 24, then she wanted to lay back down, so I went to help her and we got half way across the living room and she had a seizure. I held her and her legs went crazy. She got upset and I kept whispering to her that it was okay and I wasn't going to let her fall. She finally regained some control over her legs, and we took baby steps to the bedroom. As soon as she laid down, she said she was okay but her head hurt, so I gave her a pain pill. She went back to sleep for a while, and I called a friend of mine and talked for a bit. My nerves were on the brink and I cried for a long time, then I regained my composure but I still felt like I was going to lose it all afternoon. I have an impending sense of dread. I thought I was going to lose her in my arms today and I felt my heart beating in my head. I've never been that terrified. 

When Beck woke, I helped her back in the living room. I set up the camera and we made a short video. She started out by saying, "If you are watching this, I'm in Heaven". I could feel my chest getting heavy and my eyes welling up, but I focused because this was important. She said some things to the kids, and to her parents, her sisters and brother, and my family. Then she addressed some friends. It didn't take long. No one will see it until it's time. By the time we finished it, we were both crying. It was an emotional, yet loving and tender thing to do. 

All of my frustrations came out later. When Autumn got home I targeted her. I had asked her for three days in a row to clean up her room, and she hadn't done it. I didn't take in to consideration that she is in high school and has four hours a night of homework. I just needed an outlet and she was it. I told her she was grounded and scolded her, then made a jerk of myself in front of her best friend and her mother. I even talked sharply to Beck. It only took a few minutes. I walked out on the back porch, started crying and looked up at the sky and said "God please help me". An enormous sense of despair and guilt came over me, so I cried some more, then ran upstairs and handed Autumn back her phone, told her how sorry I was, begged her forgiveness, put my arms around her and told her I loved her. She forgave me immediately. She understands because she is dealing with her own pain. She's an incredible, strong, beautiful young lady, and I'm very proud of her. I ran downstairs and knelt at Becka's feet, took her face in my hands, and begged her forgiveness as well. She looked at me, told me she loved me, took my arms with her hands, and told me I didn't have anything to apologize for. God is truly good. I asked him to help and he did. I guess I'm allowed to fail every once in a while, but I beat myself up because the one person I have trouble forgiving is myself. It all turned out okay, and tomorrow is a new day. I cooked a special supper for everyone. I fried pork chops, made candied sweet potatoes with brown sugar, cinnamon, and marsh mallows, and I made corn bread. Beck has some Moose Tracks ice cream afterwards, and I baked a red velvet cake for the kids, (and me). 

Today has taken everything out of me. God was with me all day, even when I was angry. I didn't go too far because he held me back until I came back to sanity. My family forgives me because they know I love them, and they love me. I give all Glory to God for making me lovable at all. I'm going to kiss my Baby goodnight, pray for a while, then go to bed.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.