Day 117

It's Saturday night and I have a date with a FOX! I have to say this, Every time I look at Beck she looks more beautiful to me. We just got back from my Mother's house and I reminded Becka how curvy she is, and how that's a very good thing! I would love her just as much if she were ugly, but she's not, so I guess I'm just blessed beyond comparison! We have had a great day with the exception of Ruth leaving. I'm happy for her being able to go home to her husband and family, but we will miss her very much, that is certain. Her help can't be measured in words.

I'm going to keep this short because everything is awesome and I'm going to go back to the couch with the "hottie" that is currently occupying it and give her a pedicure. We have the whole house to ourselves tonight and tomorrow, so we are going to rest and watch movies, and work in the garden tomorrow. My father is moving tomorrow afternoon so we are going to go see him in the morning. I hope and pray everything works out for him at the coast. He's taking a big risk, so please keep him in your prayers.

Life is good today! Praise God in all of his glory. He is the reason for rejoicing, and not for the "things" I have or this life at all, but still I'm grateful. We find out Tuesday if the Chemo is working. I'm sure it will be fine and I expect Beck to be in remission soon. How wonderful would that be?

God Bless you all and thanks for stopping in! I'll write some more tomorrow. Good night!

Day 116

It's Friday, thank the Lord. I just got home from taking the kids to Burlington for the weekend. I think I'm running on fumes. I worked all day, then came home and mowed the front yard, and we took off. I forgot to eat today, so I just polished off a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, AKA the best cereal known to man. Becka is doing good and has been all day. I picked up the two bottles of "stuff " she has to drink for her CAT scan Monday. I hope it tastes good and she can keep it down. I'm going to get a beer bong for her to drink it. For those of you who aren't alcoholics and don't know what a beer bong is, it's a funnel with a hose on it. Back in the day, we would pour beer in the funnel, then put the hose in our mouths and drink an entire beer in one gulp. I'm surprised that more of us didn't die of alcohol overdoses. I'm just kidding about getting Becka one, but she has to drink them for her scan. I pray that she can get them down.

I haven't been in a good frame of mind today, and I need to come back to earth. I had some tests done at the doctor the other day, and the results came back today. I have to go back to the doctor next week. That's all I want to say about it for now. I doubt it's anything serious. I have to take an antibiotic for a week. I'm going to have to program my phone to tell me because I have to take it three times a day. Please pray that it turns out okay.

I'm going to take this weekend and catch up on some things. Rest will be one of them, and I need to read the bible every day, which I haven't been. I'm going to read all the way through the New Testament, then go back to the Old. How can I determine God's will for me every day if I don't study his word, and I've been letting the enemy too close to me. I enjoy my anger. It gives me a false sense of control, but it tears me down after a while. I need to let all of it go, and in my experience, only God can help me with that, but once he has removed the anger and bitterness, I need to let God fill me back up. My misery is usually determined by how long I want to stay in my own head and let outside things control me. I need to let go and let God, because I know that I'm a whole lot happier when I'm not running the show, or trying to anyway.

Ruth is leaving tomorrow and it will only be Becka and me here for a few days. I'm going to get her outside and work in the flower bed if she feels up to it. If not, she can watch me pull weeds. We have Iris's and roses that need tending to. We are going to watch "The Blind Side" in the morning with Ruth. She has never seen it. I really want to see Kirk Cameron's new movie, but it was only out for one night in theaters. I'm sure it will come back around.

Thanks for letting me let go everyone. This has still been a great day. I still have a beautiful wife that loves me and likes me most of the time. My dogs still think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I'm sure that whatever is wrong with me, the doctors will fix it like they are fixing Beck. God Bless you all and have a great night. Same time tomorrow, or maybe sooner!

Day 116

It's Thursday night and things are much better around here, for me anyway! My heart is at peace since the news we got yesterday. I've never seen a doctor cry when he gave results, but Dr Steiber did. I'm sure it was heart warming to give good news, since he has to give bad news all of the time. Now we only have one more hurdle to clear. Becka has a Cat Scan Monday of her entire body, and we get the results of that Tuesday. If the Chemotherapy is working, she could be in full remission in a couple of months. That is what we are banking on. God delivered BIG TIME as far as the cancer in her brain. Now we are leaning on him to keep it up! She may not need anymore Chemo. It all depends on the results of the scan. I'm actually looking forward to it now.

Ruth is leaving us Saturday. I know she wants to be with her family, but we sure will miss her, and there aren't words to express how much her being here has meant. Becka's brother David is coming by next week for a couple of days. It will be good to see him again. I know he wants to see his sister! We need to plan another family reunion with both sides this time so that everyone can meet.

Andrew and I tested last night and got our red stripe belts. I'm going to keep it up, but it seems like something else hurts every week. I know I'm getting older, but I really let myself go. There was a time when I was in great shape, and I will be again. I want to live a long time, God willing. There are so many things I want to do with Becka and the kids. She came to testing last night and was the star of the show. All of the masters came up to her, as well as the instructors and students. Some of them were crying when they walked away. She is truly loved by everyone who knows her. I don't think she has an enemy in the world, except for our common enemy that has a short time to reign on this earth before Christ casts him in to the pit of fire. I don't know how Atheists have any happiness in their lives. I couldn't enjoy anything without hope. I have leaned on God more during this time than any other time in my life. I heard a pastor on the radio today say that he felt sorry for Atheists because they are constantly fighting against something they say doesn't exist. If God doesn't exist, why fight him?

Life is good and I pray that the doctor will tell us that her tumors are all but gone, and she doesn't need any more chemo. I know she wants to grow hair again! I'm just glad she has a beautiful head! Sinead O'connor, eat your heart out!

I made spaghetti for supper and Ruth cleaned the kitchen. Beck ate and said it was the best sauce I ever made. I'm glad her sense of taste is coming back and she can enjoy her food again. Couple more months and it will be normal, then it's Crab leg time!

It's bedtime in the south, so God Bless and thank you so much for all of the prayers! They are definitely working! Same time tomorrow!

Day 115

It's Wednesday and it's a FANTASTIC day! God is truly good! For all of you who read this blog, I know I've been morbid up until now, but it feels like a giant weight has been lifted off of my chest, and I can breath again! Becka had an MRI of her brain Monday, and today we went to hear the results. Up until now, we haven't known anything. This was her first scan since she started treatment. She, Ruth, and I all walked in and the nurse came in first, then just seconds later the doctor came in smiling. He had been crying! He said he wasn't going to keep us in suspense, and that her tumors had shrunk down to almost scar tissue, and there were no new ones! I almost came out of my chair. He said it was great news and he was very happy about the results! They told her to come back in three months for another MRI, and they wouldn't be surprised if the tumors were gone and she was in remission! This is the best news ever. God has heard all of you praying and has given us grace and mercy beyond compare. Everything she has been through has been completely worth it. We are going to start planning our beach trip!

 All of the people, the doctors, the nurses, and the staff who work for her Oncologist and Radiologist are special people. They are saving Beck's life and we will owe them  for the rest of our lives. I've never seen mercy and uncondiitional love from anywhere else in this world like I see at the Cancer Center. I know they are doing their jobs, but they go way above and beyond the call of duty. For every miracle like Becka that they get to rejoice over, there is another patient that they have to tell a different story to, like the treatment didn't work. God Bless those people. I pray that one day I can repay them in some way. I'll spend the rest of my life with my gorgeous wife trying! She looks so unbelievably beautiful and fantastic! Her color is great and her eyes are sparkling. The doctor ran all kinds of tests to her reflexes and acuity, and she passed each one with flying colors. I married a very special, strong, courageous woman. I hope she knows how incredible she is! I'm going to keep telling her until I can't take a breath!

We are celebrating tonight with hot dogs! I know that doesn't sound like much of a celebration, but it's something she likes! Andrew and I are testing tonight in Taekwondo. She is going to see him test! I can't wait for everyone there to see her. They will all be thrilled!

Thank you so very much and God Bless you all! Much love to each and every one of you! Many of you have carried us to this point, and we won't forget it. She still has a long way to go, but we are on the right train, and God himself is the conductor! We are in his hands, and he isn't disappointing!

Peace! More to come!

Day 114

It's Tuesday night and it feels like Friday. This week is going by so slow. I'll be glad when the weekend gets here because I need the rest. Whether or not I sleep depends on tomorrow. We are going to her doctor's at 2:00 to go over her MRI results. He blood counts were a little low today, so they said to make sure she doesn't run a fever. So far so good as far as how Becka is feeling. She's still eating and keeping it down, and she's getting out of the house every day. Her strength is slowly but surely coming back, and she doesn't have Chemo again until next week. I wish that I could say it's going to stay this way, but as long as she's on Chemo, it's going to be a fight.

We had a cookout today at work and I made five pounds of banana pudding. It was good but I've made a decision. I'm so tired of being overweight. Starting tomorrow, I'm sticking to my diet until I've lost thirty pounds. I know that I feel better when I weigh 170. I was doing good and had lost some weight, but I fell off the wagon in to a load of chocolate. I don't care what holiday it is or what the occasion is, I'm not cheating on my diet anymore. Phase 1 of  "Slimmer Randy" starts tomorrow!

I wish I could write more but I'm so very tired that my eyes are blurring. I will post tomorrow about her test results and what the doctor says. Good night to you all and God Bless!

Day 113

It's Monday night and all is well. I just got back from Taekwondo and a pretty good workout. I was covered in sweat, so it was worth going. We are testing this Wednesday for our red stripe belts. One of the criteria for testing is sparring, and my friend Lee and I have been working on a routine. It's supposed to be random, but we want to choreograph it so it will look like a martial arts movie. Okay, maybe a slow, geriatric martial arts movie, but none the less! I wish I could test with Andrew, but the adults and the kids test separately. It's all good because he just makes me look bad. I want them to put me with the eighty year olds so I will look super fast!

I've been trying to divert my mind from what's going on, but the truth is all I can think about is Becka's MRI today. We get the results back Wednesday afternoon. I have been praying all day, and I'm reading this book by Kenneth Hagan that a friend gave to me. I agree with some of the premises of it, but others I am skeptical. I don't think we can change God's mind and I wouldn't presume to try. I have learned in my walk with God to accept his will as being better than mine, and realizing that I will never entirely understand his infinite wisdom with my finite mind, so that's where the fear comes from. I've heard people say that fear is the opposite of faith. I don't believe that. I believe that as long as we are trapped in these earthly bodies, we have to endure humanity, just as Christ did on the cross. He felt genuine pain and suffering of which none of us could ever imagine, because he was a man. My flesh will always hurt, and that is where the power of the enemy comes in. He lays things in my path that will temporarily take the pain of life away, but like I just said, it's temporary and it comes with a price. God's love is everlasting and the price has been paid, so tonight I trust in him, and still I pray that the tests will come out okay. I have selfish reasons, and selfless reasons. I want Becka to feel better so much, and at the same time, I want her by my side for a very long time. Everything is going to be okay. I have to believe that or I'll lose it.

The past week has been great and I'm eternally grateful for it! I pray that it lasts and they tell us Wednesday that her cancer is all but gone. There is no other outcome that is acceptable to me. Until then, I'm in limbo, just kind of floating around. One day, all will be revealed, and this might make sense.

I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted. Good night and God Bless as always! Same time tomorrow I hope!

Day 112

It's Sunday night and I'm baking cookies! My gorgeous wife is asleep on the couch beside of me. She has had a busy weekend. She and I went to get our taxes done today, then we came back here for a bit, and went to Kmart. She also ate quite a bit. After we left the tax office, she said she wanted a hot dog, so I stopped at four different places before I found a Quality Mart that was selling hot dogs! She ate all of it and it didn't hurt her stomach, then we cooked some pork roasts in the crock pot and made garlic potatoes for supper and she ate that as well! I'm so grateful to God for the way she feels, and she doesn't have chemo again for another week! She has her MRI to her brain in the morning, and we get the results back Wednesday, then her CT is next week. I know in my heart that the tumors are shrinking, and the scans will give us good news! I'm hoping anyway.

A fantastic thing happened to us at Kmart. When we were walking in, a lady was walking out with her kids and she motioned to us. We thought that she might be an old friend of mine from school, but we went on inside. We started walking through Kmart, and the same lady came up and stopped us. She said she was sorry to bother us, and she didn't know what Becka was going through, but she wanted Becka to know how beautiful she is. She spoke with a rich British accent, and she said she just felt the need to tell her that, and how radiant Becka is. Beck told her what she is dealing with, and she said she would pray for Beck, but it made Becka's day, and she told the lady that! God really does bring people in to our lives!

Tomorrow is a new day and new week. I'm going to bed because I have to get up early. I have a dentist appointment and I need to go in early so I can make up the time. May God Bless you as always! Please pray for good results, and I'll keep you posted!

Day 111

It's Saturday night and I just woke up. I took a nap today and I'll take one tomorrow. Becka and I sat out in the sun today and it took a lot out of me, besides the fact that Andrew and I went to Taekwondo today. We are testing Wednesday for our Red Strip Belts, so we need all the practice we can get. There is a lot going on this year in Taekwondo. One of our instructors is becoming a master. That is the highest honor in martial arts, and from what I've learned about him over the last year and a half, he deserves it. We will be there to see it, that much is certain!

Becka has felt great today, except for a short period this morning when she was a little queasy. She took an anti nausea pill and laid down for a bit, but we all got out of the house today for a family trip to Walmart. The fact that she was able to sit in the sun with me and go to the store was a big plus. Her strength is coming back, even though she tried on a pair of her jeans today and didn't have to unbutton them to put them on. She has lost so much weight, but she looks great! Her color is good and her eyes are clear, and she is eating. I fried some Neese's sausage this morning and we made sausage bagels, and she ate one, then she had some soup this afternoon and some pizza this evening. It is all coming together. Now all we need and desperately want is good results from her scan this coming week. She's been through too much for it not to be working. God is all around us, so much that we can feel it. He is going to restore her to health and this will all be a memory, then she can work with others who are going through the same things she did.

This weather is crazy this time of the year. It rained this morning, then it was very hot outside, and now a cool breeze is blowing through me as I sit here and write this. My mind is becoming clearer now and my heart is in this one hundred percent. She is my soul mate and I can't see a life without her. I pray tonight and every night that she outlives me. If she doesn't tell them what to put on my tombstone, there is no telling what it will say. Something like, "Here lies Randy. Only say good things about the dead. He's dead, Good! We have so much life yet to live. I know that God has a plan for all of us, and ultimately that plan is all that matters, but I know he hears me, and I'm begging him for a lot more time. We have unfinished business! When the kids turn eighteen and we kick them out, we are going to buy our travel trailer and take off! (Just kidding guys. You can stay until you are nineteen)!

Life is good tonight and I'm grateful. I want to shout it from the mountain top and let everyone know how good God is all of the time. My Babylove feels normal tonight, and we are going to take full advantage of it!

God Bless you all and thanks as always! I pray for all of you to have the same love in your lives and hearts that I do. Everyone deserves to be loved!

Same time tomorrow!

Day 110

It's Friday night and things are fantastic so far! Becka is feeling much better and we are watching basketball and a show called shark tank. It doesn't have any sharks per say, but it does have Mark Cuban and four other Gazillionaires. Today was a good day all around. Beck doesn't have any energy, and she still isn't eating hardly anything, but she feels better and isn't sick. I pray every day on my knees specifically that she will feel good that day. She has felt so bad for so long.

My day was God filled. He wanted me to know he was with me all day. I worked until about one thirty, then took off and came home, took a shower and changed clothes, then went to my doctor appointment. He told me that I do in fact have a corn on my foot. It's been hurting for months and I've used over the counter medicines on it, but he told me to get some moleskin to put on it and it will heal. I told him about my elbow and he said that it is severely sprained and could take months to heal. Then I told him about the major problem I'm having, and without getting too graffic, he said it sounded like my prostate since I have a history of prostate cancer in my family, but after he checked it, he said it was normal. Thank you Lord! Everything else checked out okay, and he took a bunch of blood to send off and check other stuff. I guess I'll live another day!

Here comes the God moment in it all though.

Today was the first time I've been to that office. My doctor changed practices last year. I walked up to the counter to check in and gave the lady behind the desk my insurance cards and paperwork that they had mailed to me. She looked at my arm and saw my "Rebekah" tattoo, then she looked at my paperwork and saw where I had put down that Becka has cancer. She looked at me and asked, "Is your wife's name Becka"? I said yes, and that is when she told me that she has been praying for Beck for a month. She found out through her church and Becka has been on a prayer list there. I couldn't believe it at first, then I realized that God was doing it all. It was like he was saying, "It's going to be okay", and I believe that it is! I gave her the address of this blog, so Hey Lisa if you are reading this! God put us together in that office today for a reason. I don't know what it is yet, but I want Lisa and her husband to meet Becka. That much is certain!

I'm so beat. I think I will go take a nap before game two comes on. Good night and God Bless. Please keep the prayers coming! They are definitely appreciated and working!

Day 109

Hey everyone! It's Thursday night and things are much better in the Patton household. I finally got a great night's sleep and Becka is feeling better. She hasn't thrown up anymore and she got out of the house today! The sun made her feel better I think. I fixed her a half of a peanut butter sandwich for supper and she kept it down. So far so good, and I'm feeling much better, although I'm exhausted and fixing to go to bed. I go to the doctor tomorrow to be poked and prodded. I also made a dentist appointment for me and the kids. I have to get a tooth cut out that broke off even with my gum line, and the kids need check ups and cleanings.

My wife is smiling at me through the back door. That's always a great thing when she smiles these days. This seems like such a long journey, and she's struggled through it all, but she is going to come out the other side and be well.

I'm so tired I can barely sit here and write. The last few months have come crashing down on me these past few days and my body is finally shutting down to rest. I'm not going to have any trouble sleeping tonight, but I am worried about falling over while carrying my computer hack in the house. (I'm on the back porch). Becka has her scan Tuesday and we will know a lot more. So much depends on that day.

God be with you always! I'll write more tomorrow when I can think straight. Good night and be blessed!

Day 108

It's Wednesday and I'm posting a little early for a couple of reasons. Last night after I wrote how good Becka was feeling and how grateful we were, we went to bed. I was standing on the other side of the bed and I heard her say, "Baby". I could tell by her voice that something was wrong, and by the time I grabbed the trash can, she had her head stuck in it throwing up absolutely everything in her body. She didn't pass out this time, but I held on tight just in case. I had just given her a sleeping pill to take. Today she's a little better. She hasn't thrown up but she's not feeling good at all, and she has already gone to bed.

I stayed up last night and listened to her sleeping. I finally went to sleep at about one oclock, then woke at four, got something to drink, and went back to bed until five. Today I think it finally caught up with me. I woke up with a piercing head ache and I couldn't move my arm, so I took some tylenol and muscled through it. I felt lousy at work and by four oclock, I was so sick I didn't know if I was going to make it home. I did though, came in the house, took off my uniform and went straight to bed. I slept until about seven, then got up and ate some soup that Ruth made for supper. I took some more tylenol and my back feels like I got hit by a truck, so I'm going back to bed shortly. I don't think I'll have any problem sleeping tonight.

Please keep Beck in your prayers. She's pretty sick now. I guess the chemo took it's sweet time this go round. As for me, I'll be fine. I just need some sleep, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have a doctor's appointment Friday, so it will be fine.

God Bless and good night!

Day 107

Tuesday night and more good news! It's been a great couple of days so far. Becka went to the doctor today and they were very happy with her blood work. She's still eating and keeping her food down, and she's even enjoying it! Ruth cooked chicken and rice for supper with green beans. The more she eats, the stronger she gets and I'm thrilled! God is truly good!

I just got back from Taekwondo with Andrew. I'm having some health issues, but I have an appointment with my family doctor Friday. He's been my doctor for twenty years, so he knows a little about me. With everything that has been happening, I've let some things go and I need to get them checked now. I'm having somewhat of a physical, (ugh). You "guys" know what I mean, although it could be worse. I could be a woman and they would smash my breasts between two pieces of cold steel with a machine from the spanish inquisition. With all of our wonderful advances in medicine, can they not think of a better way to do that? It's barbaric! Women go through much more than we do. I guess it's because they are tougher. Can you imagine if we were able to get pregnant? Sorry fellows, we wouldn't make it. I'm hoping he will shoot some cortisone in my elbow, but I'm hoping even more that he will at least take an xray. I just want to make sure I haven't pulled anything loose in it. I can barely move my right arm when I first wake up, and I haven't been using it much. When we are at Taekwondo, I've been punching with my left exclusively. I've found that after I hit forty, things just don't heal like they used to.

I couldn't be happier given the current circumstances. Becka is doing great! Her attitude is very positive and she's working hard to get well. The doctors are on track and I know that the medicine is working. She's going to be in remission, and life will be back to normal, whatever that is! Thanks for your prayers and well wishes. God Bless and sweet dreams! I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted.

Peace!

Day 106

Monday night and I have nothing but praise reports! Becka is doing fantastic so far. She's a little nauseous at times, but she's eating and keeping her food down, and she's getting out of the house to enjoy this incredible weather we are having. She and I came out on the back porch tonight and were soon joined by the kids. It's amazing how I used to take things like that for granted. Not anymore, I'm cherishing every single minute with my love! It's times like tonight when we don't think about cancer or sickness for a while, and we sat here and watched the dogs playing. Dogs are very therapeutic, and I'm glad we have four. Our miniature dobie adores Becka. He lays beside of her on the couch and waits for her to get up in the morning so he can lay on her side of the bed where it's warm. I've found unconditional love in two places in this world, from God, and from a dog, and it's coincidental that if you spell one backwards you get the other one. Our dogs are a huge part of our family. They are our furry kids, so if you don't like dog hair, don't sit on the couch. We have a neighbor that chains their wiener dog to the tree in the front yard and leaves him there during storms. Why have a dog in the first place? We hear him crying when it's thundering and lightening outside. I'm going to sneak over and kidnap him one day, (don't tell anyone).

I'm so glad that Becka is keeping her food down. We had roasted chicken for supper and mashed potatoes and she ate good, plus she had been eating a lot of salad. She also loves soup, but mainly for the broth. It means so much to me for her to get her energy back so that we can go away for a weekend. She goes in the morning for blood work. Last time it was fantastic and the doctor was thrilled! Let's all hope that it's even better this time. If she keeps up this pace, she will be well by summertime, or at the very least on the road to recovery. She's not taking any pain or sleep meds. The only thing she takes is an anti nausea pill every once in a while. The ginger gum I bought her works well too, (thanks Mom)! I can't say in words how much it means for Ruth to be here. God sends who he wants in certain situations, and she's a blessing in so many ways. So was Debbie, and Becka said she might be coming back. All of Becka's siblings have reached out and carried us when we needed it. I have siblings too. That's all I'll say about that.

My heart is hurting a little for another reason. I talked to my father today and he is moving to the coast in a couple of weeks. It's something he's always wanted to do, but his health has been bad in the past couple of years and he doesn't have any family down there. I know he will get lonely, but he's a grown man. I don't understand it because all of his grand kids are here. I think he's running from this life to another one. Please keep him in your prayers. I don't have a good feeling about this at all. It's been just in the past ten years that he and I have had a relationship. Before that there were truck loads of resentment and baggage, but we put that aside and made peace with each other. I have a feeling he's doing this for another reason. He just had a bunch of tests done at the doctor, and he's being very vague about how they came out. I pray that he's not going there to die. It's really a mystery to me, but his mind seems to be made up. He's been fixing up his boat which is very nice. It's a cabin cruiser designed for the ocean, and it's big enough where he could charter it out fishing. I just hope that he is doing this with peace in his heart and not turmoil. Every time I talk to him about Becka he gets choked up. He knows, as does everyone else, that I don't deserve a woman like her, and she's the best thing that ever happened to me. My father has been alone for so long. Maybe he wants what I have and doesn't think he can get it here. I'm talking to him every day, and I'm trying to tell him that God will fill that hole in his heart and nothing else will. I pray he listens and gives it to the Lord. Please just pray for his safety.

I'm going to bed. Good night and God Bless always! Love you guys and gals.........really!

Day 105 Continued

Everyone has gone to bed again, except for me. I have to be exhausted. I'm only getting about four hours of sleep a night, sometimes less. It's when I'm all alone with my two boy dogs that reality sets in about what is going on in my house. My heart hurts, it always does at night.

 I've been thinking about three words. They are nothing alone, but when we put them together they can mean so many things. The words, "I Love You", are very powerful, but what do they mean. When we say those words to someone, are we saying, "You have something I want," or are we saying, "You're pretty". Do we say it because we think we have to, or is it something we use to get off of the phone. I've even heard those three words put together to hurt someone else. But tonight when I looked at Becka and said, "I love you Baby", I know what I meant. I devote my entire life to you and you are what is most important to me. I give you everything I have, everything I am, and I would die for you.

I need her to get well, and she's going to. My mind can't see it any other way. I'm going to try and get some sleep. We will see what happens. I guess I just needed to write this.

Night

Day 105

Sunday evening and it's peaceful. Becka just laid down, probably for the night. We are grateful because she has had a good day! She ate several times today including this evening when we cooked out. Ruth bought some steaks and I cooked them on the grill. They were pretty darn good if I do say so, although she bought some pretty meat! We baked potatoes and it was very good, but as soon as Becka ate she started getting nauseous. I took off to CVS Pharmacy to try and get her nausea medicine refilled, but they were closed, so I bought her some Ginger Gum. Several people have told me about it. It's designed for nausea due to chemotherapy. Becka has always hated gum, but she put a piece in her mouth and it calmed her stomach, then she went to bed. Please God let her sleep soundly tonight! She is making it through this round of chemo fantastic so far. Of course it drains her, but she's been eating and keeping it down. It's amazing when you count a day as a "Good" one by the fact that your wife hasn't gotten sick and passed out. I just hope we can raise our standards soon.

I worked outside today because it was awesome. I serviced my lawnmower then mowed and trimmed the front and back, then Autumn and I went to Walmart. Ruth worked on the house all day, cleaning and doing laundry. It's a team effort. I'm going to make the kids feel like a bigger part of the team by giving them more chores to do. (I don't want them to feel left out, lol).

I talked to a good friend today who had a death in the family. Her name is Cheryl. Please keep her family in your prayers. I'm sure that if you pray for Randy's friend Cheryl, God will know who you are talking about. Apparently, her Grandfather-in-law had been sick for some time, but he was only in his sixties. That's way too young I think, although I'll be grateful if I make it that far. Please pray for Ruth as well. She has a lot on her mind, and she's here taking care of Becka, (and doing a great job of it). I know I've said before how special Becka's family is, but it warrants repeating. They really have come through and then some, and so has mine, with one exception. I've been harboring a resentment and I need to let it go. I have a very close family member that hasn't even called, not once, and I don't understand it. Of course, in my mind, it's selfishness, but it's probably fear, and they feel now like it's too late, but if you are reading this, it isn't. It's never too late. I love you and Becka loves you, and I'm sure you have your reasons. Just don't expect me to be okay with them. People will surprise you in situations like this. They will blow your mind, and break your heart, and in some cases, make you very mad. It's when people get outside of their comfort zones and reach out that you get to see who they really are. I know who I have been. For decades I was a waste of air. Now I'm wanted, needed, and loved. There is no feeling, no drug, like the rush I get from looking at my gorgeous wife. I'm in no way perfect, and I fall way short of the Grace of God, but to her, I'm more than enough, and that's all that matters. I sometimes wonder where she would be if God hadn't brought us together. I know where I would be, because she saved my life. Now it's my turn to try and return the favor. The people in this house are my life, and I want for no other in this world.

I'm going to watch some tube and go to bed. My Duke Blue Devils choked worse than if they had eaten chicken bones for supper, and they are out of the tournament. (I'm really catching it from my UNC fan friends). Now my brackets are all destroyed, so I guess for the next couple of weeks, I'm a NC State and Florida State fan. I know that UNC is still in it, but I would pull for the Taliban against them. Sorry guys and gals!

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes! God Bless and have a good night. See you tomorrow I hope!

Day 104

Saturday night and all is well. We are watching Frank Caliendo in concert. He's the most talented impressionist I've ever seen. Becka is sitting beside of me. She has felt bad all day, but it could be a lot worse. If this is as bad as it gets, all will be okay. She has been eating all day and has kept it down. No nausea so far! She just aches all over and has no energy. It's been so long since my Baby felt good, I long for her to have a day where nothing hurts. A day when she can walk around the block or go to the park, go shopping by herself or with some friends and enjoy it, catch a meal or have a coffee at Starbucks. There just isn't much she enjoys because she's always sick. Right now, she's asleep beside of me on the couch with her feet on me. They are so small and soft. She's lost so much weight and her hair doesn't grow. God please give her a normal life back. This life is NOT normal, it's temporary. She will feel good again soon. There is no way anyone could go through this and not expect for things to return to normal. I know I couldn't. We are grateful for the fact that she's keeping her food down though.

I'm going to tend to her and call it a night. She's feeling pretty lousy. God Bless all of you. I'll write tomorrow afternoon about some things I want to share. Thanks for everything and good night!

Day 103

Friday night and it looks like the Chemo caught up finally. Becka is sick, but we are attacking it proactively. Right now she feels lousy and is wiped out, but no nausea yet, I think because she is taking her medicine. She also took a nexium and a pain pill and laid down a while ago. She's back up but I don't know for how long. I'm glad it's the weekend, and I'm glad that I work for a company that doesn't require me to work after hours. If one of my stores has an emergency, I have the option to go fix it myself, or turn it over to one of our subcontractors. It all depends on how Beck feels. If she's okay then I will go because it's overtime and we need it, but if she's sick then I stay here. Ruth is here and takes great care of her when I'm not, but she wants me to be here when she's nauseous. I need to hang on to her in case she loses consciousness. So far it's not that bad. She just feels like she's been drug behind a truck, but if she can keep down her food and not dehydrate, it's all good. I'm going to try and talk her in to taking more medicine to feel better, but she doesn't like to load up on it.

We are watching the Duke game. I absolutely LOVE college basketball, and Duke University in particular. I remember watching games with my Grandfather. He was an incredible man, loving and generous to a fault, dedicated to his family and his church. I miss him all of the time. I don't think that I will spend a day on the earth without missing my Grandfather. He is the reason that I will die a Washington Redskin fan, or for as long as they have a team. It was only after he died that I used his influence to mold my character. I'm a different man today than I was ten years ago, and he is a part of that. Becka is a huge part of who I am today. Her love changed my heart and my attitude towards women.

She's gone back to bed for good and I'm heading there soon. Please pray that she doesn't get any sicker. God Bless and same time tomorrow!

Day 102

It's Thursday night and we just got back from Taekwondo. I really didn't feel like going, but I'm glad I did. My elbow is feeling much better! I haven't been using it and I bought a brace, and so far so good! Becka is wiped out. Ruth cooked a great supper tonight, and Becka laid down right afterwards and has been asleep ever since. The chemo takes such a toll on her. I just pray that the nausea stays away. This is usually when it starts. I just checked on her and she is out. She didn't budge when I knelt by her. I hope she sleeps all night. I was going to take something to sleep tonight, but I had better not just in case she is up.

 The doctor called me in some medicine to help me sleep. I've taken it before. It's called Tranzedone I think. It's not habit forming, and it doesn't make me sleepy, but once I go to sleep it keeps me there. I have to watch everything I put in my body because of my addictive personality, so the most important thing is for me to always be completely honest with my doctors so that they won't hurt me rather than help me. The first thing I always tell them is that I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics, specifically any type of Opiate or synthetic such as vicodin, oxycodone, etc. They are all the same to my brain. The strongest pain medicine I will take is Toradol. No matter how bad my old beat up body is hurting, it's nothing compared to the pain of addiction. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. When I used to take pain meds, I would reverse the doctor's orders. If it said to take one every six hours, I would take six every hour. I look back now at that mentality and cringe, and I pray for those who are hopelessly lost in active addiction. It's Hell on earth, a nightmare that the addict can't see their way out of, and most die from it. I read where more people are addicted to prescription pain meds these days than crack cocaine. The drug companies are selling legal heroine. It's really sad and no way to live. If any of you are having problems, or know someone who is, please contact me, and I'll share how God released me from my bondage. He used people and other earthly things, but the power came from him. The only thing necessary is the desire to change, which most people don't have until they are in so much pain that they have to in order to survive. No matter how bad I may think things are, or how much pain I am in, physical or mental, there is nothing in this world that would make me put alcohol or drugs in my body. No matter how bad it is, it can always be worse, and artificially changing the way I feel at the expense of everyone and everything else is not an option today.

I'm going to go in and check on my wife, then watch some basketball. I LOVE March Madness! I watched the UNC Asheville / Syracuse game this evening. Asheville almost beat them, but ran out of steam at the end. It would have been epic, and probably the biggest upset in college basketball history, but it was not to be. God Bless Asheville for even making the tournament. We stayed up late last night and watched the finale' of Face Off. It was outstanding, and I love to see Beck enjoying something, anything really. She's so strong through this, and I admire her more every day. To be her husband is the greatest honor of my life, and I treasure her with all that I am. I saw a good friend tonight at Taekwondo. Her name is Carolyn and she sends Becka and Me cards all of the time. It always cheers Beck up because the cards and wishes are beautiful. Carolyn, if you are reading this, thank you so much. It really does mean a lot, and you are a wonderful, beautiful person full of love. We are very glad we know you, and we love your son as well! He takes Taekwondo with us, and one day he will be standing up there getting his black belt. That much is certain! He is a fantastic, respectful kid who has his mother's heart. I really do love people who genuinely care for others and go out of their way to pick those up who have fallen. I could do that a lot more myself.

God Bless and I'll keep you posted. Praise God for the good days and bad. Any day this side of the grass is a good day no matter what happens!

Day 101

Wednesday night and it's beautiful outside. I'm sitting on my back porch in shorts and a tee shirt. Man I love Spring, and I'm so glad for Becka because it's easier for her to go outside when it's seventy degrees. I really do love living in North Carolina. We have the best of both worlds. Our climate is always mild, yet we get snow usually in the winter. We have the mountains to the west and the beaches to the east, both within driving distance with kids. That is measured by how many times they will ask, "Are we there yet"? North Carolina is also a beautiful State. We are blessed, that much is certain.

Becka has had a good day. She was hot to the touch all night to the point where I turned on the air-conditioner. She was sweating out the bags of chemo they pumped in to her yesterday. So far she has had no side effects, except exhaustion. She went to bed about seven tonight. I'm going to wake her up in a little while so we can watch her favorite show, "Face Off". Tonight is the season finale'. I know I've said that the past two weeks, but it really is tonight. I'm burned out. My right elbow hurts so bad now that I can't pick up my cell phone without grimacing, and my little toe on my right foot is injured as well. I'm calling tomorrow for a doctor's appointment. I've already been to the doctor about my elbow and he put me on steroids, but they did nothing. It's probably a bad sprain, and I'll have to not use it at all for a while, but I'm going to go to my Orthopedic doctor and see if he will shoot it full of cortisone. I think exhaustion is playing a part as well. I don't sleep anymore. I probably slept a total of four hours last night, and three the night before. It's starting to catch up to me. I feel like eventually my mind will shut down for about twelve hours. I just hope I'm not standing on top of a ladder or building, or going down the road when it does. I truly believe that after Becka has her scans, I'll be able to sleep again. I just can't get it out of my mind. I've never wanted anything in my life more than I want her tumors to be shrinking or gone. Remission is the only option. It doesn't matter what I'm doing during the day, I'm always thinking about her and wondering how she is feeling. It's like a storm we can't drive out of, but the clouds ARE going to part and the sun will shine again. It's funny, I haven't thought even once seriously about medicating my feelings. I've had fleeting thoughts, but they went away immediately. She needs me to be the best I can be, and that is all that matters, so I'm going to have to feel what I feel for now. I wish I could get outside of myself for a short time, but everywhere I go, there I am. In my forty four years of life, I've never been needed so much by so many people. They are depending on me, and I am going to carry my family past all of this. There will be a day when we don't think about cancer at all, and that will be a great day.

I'm going to wake her in a bit. She usually doesn't get sick until about three days after chemo, so we are going to prepare and medicate aggressively. Come Friday, we will know what we are up against. Until then, I'm eternally grateful that she feels good and is eating! Ruth cooked pork chops and Augratin potatoes tonight for supper and Becka ate well. Thank you Lord, really.

Good night and God Bless. Same time tomorrow, Good Lord Willing!

Day One Hundred

Tuesday night and we are still here! It's been a little over a hundred days since Beck was diagnosed. It feels like a lot longer. She's been sick for so long now that it seems like years. I am in awe of her every day. The way she carries herself, never complains, insists on doing things around the house even when she's sick, and the way she loves all of us in spite of her illness, all of that tells me how wonderful my wife really is. She's selfless. I would be the biggest baby of all time. It's always been in my nature to use things to manipulate people and I know I would probably use my illness to get what I want. I've changed quite a bit since I accepted Christ and found my conscience, but the old Randy is still in there somewhere. The bible says we are new creatures when we are born again, but the nature of man is evil, and I have to remember that when I say or do anything. I went on a rant tonight about the Democrats in congress. I don't know why I let it get to me so much. There is nothing I can do about it, but I have to admit that resentment is a rush. All sin is or the devil would never be able to get to us, so I need to repent and pray for those that I feel have wronged me or my family.

Becka had chemo today, eight hours worth. The doctor was elated at how good her blood counts are! That is exceptional news by the way! They went over their plan with her about what to expect, depending on if the chemo has started putting her cancer in remission. If her tumors haven't shrunk, they are going to attack it more aggressively with different types of chemo. ANY options are wonderful no matter how horrific they may initially be. The doctors are going to save her life, no doubt in my mind. They said that her weight loss, (50 lbs), and the loss of her appetite is normal. I can't WAIT to take her out to eat when she gets her taste for food back. Anything she wants! Her favorite restaurant is Genghis Grill, but we can eat Japanese, steak, seafood, it doesn't matter to me, as long as she is enjoying it.

I started reading a book today called "Finding your Faith" by Kenneth Hagan. A good friend gave it to me. It is full of scripture and Paul's writings pertaining to healing. I've only read a little bit but so far what I can take from it is that healing comes from the faith of the person that is being healed, not from the Pastor who is praying for that person. Healing comes from faith, and faith comes from the word. Becka's faith in the fact that God is going to heal her is what will work. Without her faith, it's all smoke and mirrors. When the sick woman in the crowd touched Christ's garment and was healed, the healing came from her faith. Becka's faith is strong, but she needs all of you to pray and lift her up, and so do I. She's been beaten down for a long time now, almost a year since she felt good, and that takes an incredible toll on anyone going through it. Please continue to pray for her, and please pray for her family as well. Her Parents have grieved over this. They need to be lifted up as well.

Ruth cooked supper again tonight. I was so tired that I came home and took a nap, and now I'm going to bed for good. Thanks for everything. Things are looking up! She's getting better, and even though she has a way to go, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train coming!

Sweet dreams and God Bless!

Day Ninety Nine

It's Monday night and I can't complain at all about today. I feel fantastic tonight. I just got back from an incredible work out at Taekwondo, and it was fun on top of it. I got my last tip so I'll be testing this month for my red stripe belt. I really do want Andrew and me to finish what we started and get our black belts. There is no doubt he will because he is incredible at it. His kicks and punches are spot on, and he knows his form after doing it just once. I guess it's easier for a kid to excel at something when their hearts are in it, and his has been from the start. I can see him competing in the Olympics one day, and owning his own taekwondo academy. I'm eternally grateful for the family members that are helping us financially with it. They said they wanted Andrew and me to continue and not disrupt his life any more than it already is. Thank you. (You know who you are). They asked to be anonymous.

Becka has felt really good today! She has been eating and no nausea or pain, and she got out and walked in the neighborhood. God is good! The medicine apparently worked! Have I ever mentioned that I really love her doctor? The light is back in her eyes and I think that a big part of that is because Ruth is here. She loves her sisters and brother, that much is certain, and they love her. Ruth and Debbie have both put their lives on hold and come here to take care of Becka. This is Ruth's second time being away from her husband and children. I'm going to make sure she knows that it's appreciated, but that's not why she's doing it. It's just the kind of people that She and Debbie are, and Becka's brother has helped us as well. It all comes from their upbringing, and if you ever meet their parents you'll understand where it comes from. Becka's father is the most dedicated man I have ever met. He has devoted his life to helping others and spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ, and her mother is as close to an angel on earth you can get. She doesn't mince words, and her level of dedication is to be admired by all. Becka and I have both been blessed by wonderful Mothers. My mother and stepfather have been like angels on our shoulders. They have helped us in ways I will never be able to pay back. I've learned a lot about how to treat Becka from watching how my Stepfather treats my mother. He holds her up above all others and lets her know every second how special she is to him. He really is a great man, strong but gentle. (He was a drill sergeant in the Army). I can't express in words how grateful I am to our friends and families. God Bless you all.

Ruth fixed a fantastic supper tonight. It's a chicken dish in the crock pot and it has corn and black beans, and it's just a little spicy. She's been doing laundry and cleaning since she got here. I may be a little spoiled for a couple of weeks. Becka has chemotherapy in the morning. Eight hours worth. It's a shame that just when she starts feeling better, it's time for more poison to go in her body. I know that it's saving her life. I just pray for a day when the cure for cancer isn't similar to the Spanish Inquisition. PLEASE give to cancer research if you can. They need every dime they can get. There are many fantastic organizations like the Leukemia / Lymphoma society. They develop drugs for those two types of cancer, but the drugs they have invented are now being used to cure many other types of cancer. When I get ahead financially, I am going to help them as much as I can, and you can't go wrong giving to the American Cancer Society. Fantastic organization.

I'm going to eat a snack, rub my gorgeous wife's feet, and go to bed. Five oclock comes early now since we HAVE to turn up the clocks an hour. I say we turn them back and leave them!

God Bless and good night! Same time tomorrow!

Day Ninety EightI

It's Sunday evening and things are good. Becka's favorite show just came on and she didn't make it. I'm looking through the back door right now and she's asleep on the couch. Today has been a good day though. She got a little stir crazy, so she and Ruth took Andrew for a haircut and ran to Walmart. It's a good day when she gets out of the house without going to the doctor. She has another day of reprieve before Chemo on Tuesday. Eight hours of it, but we are grateful for it, (sometimes). Becka hardly ever asks "Why Me", but I can see how people get depressed and don't opt for treatment. She has an amazing will to live for a very long time, so she is sticking with it no matter what.

When I look back at my life by decades, it amazes me how things have changed. My first ten years were up and down. I never had a normal childhood. I had a bipolar life during that time. Things were never normal. They were either very good or very bad. I developed some severe resentments during those years. The next ten were the most fun. I experienced puberty and drugs about the same time. I didn't have a care in the world during those years. From Twenty to Thirty were the destructive years. I tried my best to kill myself and it was only through the grace of God that I didn't. He had a plan obviously because there is no earthly reason I should have survived. From Thirty to Forty were the rebuilding years. I learned who I wanted to be, I got saved, and I experienced the emotions that I had been suppressing for a very long time. It was during those years that I grew mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Christ became real to me, and I learned that the world didn't revolve around me. And now I'm forty four, and I finally know my purpose in life. When Becka and I married, I had visions of what our marriage would be like. I had places I wanted us to go and things I wanted to experience with her. All of that has been put off for now. We will still get there, but for now, the only thing that matters is for her to get well and feel good again. Everything that I have been through up until now has prepared me for this moment in time, and time is all that I want or need. My dog is sitting beside of me as he always is, and I remember pets that I've had in the past, and people who have come and gone, places I've been and things I've seen. It all comes rushing back sometimes and I can't believe forty four years have gone by. Only yesterday I was graduating from High School or going to my first dance. Today I'm a father and a husband, trying to do the best I can one day at a time. Today is all there is. The two days I can't do anything about are yesterday and tomorrow, so I'm trying my best to stay in today. I have many regrets, and I've hurt countless people, and at the time I had no remorse. Today I do and I wish I could take it all back, but all I can do is be the best man I can right now.

Becka and the kids are everything to me. The other lives I've lived were either forced upon me, or were of my own making, but I never wanted any of them, and that's why they didn't last. I want this life, so much I can taste it and feel it in my soul. I want to walk the rest of the time I have on the earth beside of Beck, and I'm going to fight with everything I have to keep it forever.

God is good! She's feeling better! Your prayers are working. Please keep them coming!
God Bless and same time tomorrow, if we are still here.

Day Ninety Seven

It's Saturday and things are much better! I think that the antibiotics are kicking in and knocking out the sinus infection because Becka hasn't had a headache today! She's still sick but the throbbing is gone, so I got her out of the house today. We went to a yard sale, then to Lowes and Walmart. She has one more pill for tomorrow, but the doctor said that the antibiotics work for a week after she stops taking them. Tuesday she has Chemotherapy again. We are counting the days until her scan. I thought it was this Tuesday but I was wrong. Her MRI of her brain is on the 26th of this month, but they haven't scheduled the scan of her body.

Thank the Lord she's feeling better though. Walking today will help, and I'm going to get her out of the house tomorrow as well. Her Sister Ruth and her husband Jeff are here! Ruth is staying for three weeks and Jeff is going back home in the morning. I wish he would stay for personal reasons. We need more testosterone in the house...(doing the Tim Taylor Grunt).

I have to go back to work, so this is going to be short tonight. God Bless you all and thank you for your prayers. They are working because she is feeling better! I know it's just one day, but we will take it. I'll try to write some more tonight, but if not, same time tomorrow!

Day Ninety Six

Friday night! My Baby and I are watching the Duke / Virginia Tech game. She's SUCH a huge basketball fan....(I hope you can detect the sarcasm). She understands that this is the ACC tournament, and March Madness is in full swing, and she even watched the game with me the other night! I came home from work tonight and cooked supper. We had some steaks in the freezer, so I thawed them for the last couple of days and cooked them on the grill. I also fixed french fries and rolls. She tried her best to eat and everything was fine, then we came in the living room and she called for me while walking towards the bedroom. By the time I got to her she was sick. I held her and she didn't pass out this time, but she was violently sick for a few minutes. I waited until it was over and then got her an anti nausea pill. They seem to work pretty well. She took some sinus medicine earlier to try and open up her head, but all it did was make her feel worse. I'll be glad when the antibiotics start to work.

My Sis-in-law Ruth will be back here tomorrow for three weeks! That will be such a load off. I hate it when she's here by herself. I have to work tomorrow and I'm exhausted, but I'll be able to get forty hours in without taking any of my personal time. I'm going to save it for a long as possible. Becka isn't feeling well, and I have to pick Autumn up at the skating rink at ten thirty, so I'm going to lay down with her for a while. If she can't keep her food down soon, we are going to have to do something else to get her body nourishment. I welcome any suggestions. God Bless you all! Same time tomorrow!

Day Ninety Five

It's Thursday night and I'm beat. I think every muscle hurts but it's a good hurt. Andrew and I have been training pretty hard and one of our instructors is fixing to be a Master. Needless to say he's an incredible teacher and a superb athlete, and a great guy all around. He's been pushing us harder than usual and I need it, but I also need to back off now because I don't want to get hurt. I need to let my forty four year old muscles heal and not try to "hang" with a bunch of young people because it's not going to happen.

Becka is a little better but every time she stands up her head starts hurting from the sinus infection. I pray that the antibiotics kick it out of her in the next day or so. I heard on the news where the ragweed and pollen is already unbearable for people with allergies. That would explain why she feels so lousy, plus she's still not really eating anything. She ate a couple of bites of barbeque tonight that my mother and stepfather bought for us. Her appetite is non existent because nothing tastes good to her except for the jerky I made, so I'll make sure and have plenty on hand. We are counting down to Tuesday. That's when she has her scan and we find out how well the Chemo is doing.

Tonight is a new game plan by the way, and from here on out it will be too. I talked to a friend of mine today that works with me. He is one of the men who led me to Christ. I remember like it was yesterday that I saw him at a Refrigeration supply house one day. I was with my father, and at the time I was lost in sin. My friend Dean told me that I needed Jesus Christ. This was after I told a horrible joke to everyone in the room. I laughed and shrugged it off. I was always intimidated by Christians who would publicly talk about Jesus. That was because I was running with Satan and he owned me at the time, and the devil runs from the name of the Savior. That was twenty years ago or more, but Dean didn't give up on me. I went with him to church one Sunday because my life had all but ended. I was completely empty inside and really just wanted to die, but I remember him taking me to the alter and people praying for me, and I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again. I believed right then in Jesus, and I've believed ever since, so I guess you could say that I owe him my life, and I've told him that several times. Dean asked me today if I had taken authority over Becka's cancer yet and ordered it to be out of her. I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I've been so wrapped up in fear and sorrow that I forgot to do what the Bible says to do.

Christ paid the price for sin on the cross, and when he said "It is finished", he meant it. He told the disciples to go in to all of the nations, preach the gospel, and heal the sick. He didn't say to pray for healing, he said to HEAL them. I am not saying that I have the power to heal. What I am saying is that God DOES, and I'm doing what he said to do from now on. Tonight I held Becka and commanded the cancer to be out of her in the name of Jesus Christ, and it shall be done.

 Luke 9:1 Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases. 2 And he sent them to preach the Kingdom of God, and to heal the sick.

We are all his disciples. I know that they were twelve special men, but if I truly believe that God can and will heal Becka, and I do, then I am taking authority over my house and kicking cancer out of it in the name of Jesus Christ. It's that simple. God is either everything or he's nothing. Jesus is either the savior, or he's the biggest nutcase, lying magician in the history of the planet. I believe he is the Messiah, and I believe in the power of God. I happen to be one of his miracles, and Becka is too, she just doesn't know it yet. When the scans come back, the cancer will be all but gone. I can promise you that, and tonight I feel better than I have since the start. I would love to hear your honest opinions on this if you want to post them. Don't hold anything back, and please, please, please keep praying!

Five O'clock comes early so I'm going to bed. God Bless every last one of you. Same time tomorrow!

Day Ninety Four

It's Wednesday night and things are about the same. Becka is on her second day of antibiotics for her sinus infection. I showed her how to cough while blowing air out gently and it's helping her head. We are trying to stay up and watch something on TV, but I don't know if we will make it. It's been a very long day. I worked with my boss and another of my team mates at one of my stores, then I grocery shopped, stopped by Taco Bell for supper, came home and ate a very soggy taco, cleaned up the kitchen, swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room, and now I'm baking cookies and working on my second load of laundry. I'm tired, but it's been a very productive day. 

Andrew came downstairs tonight holding a blanket and asked me what kind of bug was on it because it bit him. It turned out to be a deer tick, and it bit a huge hole in his side. I dressed it and marked it on the calendar. We aren't saying too much more about it, but trust me, we know. He will be fine. He's allergic to everything and he's not having any other symptoms. I'm going to change the bandaide myself every day just to make sure. If Rocky Mountain or Lyme should show up, it will be evident, but there is a very small chance of that. I've always been an outdoors guy and I've been bitten by ticks all of my life. Any kid that plays outside will eventually have a tick on them. One day God will tell us why the little vampires were necessary. 

I'm sitting on the porch writing this, looking through the glass at my gorgeous wife. She's nodding off. I hope she makes it to ten so that she can see "Face Off". I think it's the finale' tonight. I'm in favor of anything that makes her happy these days. We have monitored her temperature all day and it's been normal, and she's been eating. I got her some more Boosts. She likes them and they keep her energy up. She ate part of a crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell tonight, and so far so good. I'm having trouble writing this because my elbow is killing me these days. I hate getting old. I'm probably going to have to get cortisone in it, and definitely slow down using it. I'll have to punch with my left a lot more right now until it heals, but I found out when I turned forty that things don't really heal anymore, they just get better or worse.

Tonight my verse to ponder is 2Corinthians verse 5 :For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. Everything good in life comes from God. Today my boss's boss bought us lunch, (try to say that five times fast). We went to a seafood restaurant that Becka and I love, and she was all I could think about. I remember taking her there when she could enjoy her food, and how we brought food home to the kids. I long for those days back when we could jump in the car and go have fun. I know that God is going to give us more days like that. It's all I dream about, taking her somewhere and showing her off, watching her smile, introducing her to people she has never met, experiencing new things together. Life is way too short, I know that now. I've said that all of my life as a cliche'. Now I sit here and say that if we have fifty years left together here, it's not enough for me. She touched me tonight when I sat beside of her on the couch, and all of the love in my soul came to the top. I absolutely adore her, and I refuse to let anything separate me from her. I am right where I belong, and that's why I say that everything good comes from God. He knows what he is doing, and that's why right now, at this very time in human history, I am here. I pray with all of my heart that all of you love someone as much as I love Beck.

God Bless you and sweet dreams. The best days of our lives haven't gotten here yet, and no matter what trials or tribulations are put in our path, we must move forward and not look back. 

Good night!

Day Ninety Three

It's Tuesday night and I'm almost in bed. I have a searing headache that I've been fighting all day. It's probably stress, lack of sleep, not eating right, and sinus all in one. I think a good night sleep will fix it. Becka had Chemo today. She had her Aridia which only took about an hour. It was only us this time. I took the whole day off because I wasn't feeling good and neither was she. She has had a headache and dizziness for days, and they are pretty sure she has a sinus infection. He blood counts weren't as good today as they have been. The important ones were down, so they put her on a Z pack, (antibiotics). She was also running a low grade fever when we got there. They told me to monitor her temperature and if it got over a hundred, NOT to mask it with Tylenol, but rather call them immediately. I will keep you informed. Please pray for this infection to go away so she will feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, I feel lousy, and the more I look at this screen, the worse my head hurts. Good night and God Bless. I will bring you up to speed more tomorrow.

Day Ninety Two

It's Monday I think. I feel like I'm in a bubble. We went to bed last night around ten. The phone woke us up this morning at 2am. The power was completely out at one of my stores, so to make a long story short, I've been up for seventeen hours now. I got up and went to work at 2, finally made it home about 4:45, made some coffee and the kid's lunch, got them out the door and got Becka settled, fixed her some eggs for breakfast, and went back to work. I'm supposed to go to taekwondo in a few. I'm really debating it. I think I'm going to go because I need the workout and we get to sleep a little later in the morning after the kids leave because she has chemo. I know one thing. I'm definitely going to sleep good tonight! I brought some fried chicken home for the kids. Becka ate half a breast, and she will eat more of it tomorrow. She's been feeling better today thank the Lord, but her vision is still a little fuzzy. She thinks that her head might be swimmy instead of her vision, so let's hope so. Starvation will usually make one dizzy!

Believe it or not, I'm going to head to class. Be back in a bit!

Back home and Becka was waiting up for me. Her head is hurting again so I gave her a pain pill. I warmed up the bed a couple of hours ago so it was easy for her to relax, but she's coughing so much, and the stuff that is coming out of her lungs isn't normal congestion. It's some kind of foreign matter, dead cancer I hope. I pray with all of my heart that her lungs are expelling the dead tumors because the chemo is working. I need to talk to someone who has had lung cancer, and that will be tomorrow. She has an appointment in the morning and I'm taking her for chemo. It's a short one so I'll be able to go to work afterwards. I hope that we can talk to the doctor tomorrow. I have several questions to ask him.

Becka checked her old messages yesterday and there was one from her OBGYN. He is the doctor that operated on her last year, one month before she was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently he received the information from her Oncologist, and he left her a message telling her how sorry he was. His voice broke and he started crying during the message. Doctors are trained to be empathetic, and to disconnect from their patients, but after meeting Becka, he apparently knows how special she is. Doctors are human too, even though we tend to put them up on a pedestal. I guess it's because we put our lives in their hands. When they go to work, it means more than usual, but they have feelings just like us, and his came through loud and clear. We will go see him in person when she recovers.

 I need to go eat something but I don't know what. My Stepfather gave me a box of Count Chocula cereal last night that he had been hiding. They only sell it around Halloween here. If anyone wants to send me a box, that would be fantastic! I let Andrew have a bowl for breakfast. Something as special as Count Chocula has to be shared! He and his sister really are great kids. They are smart, strong, respectful, and they love their Mama. What else can you ask for? I'm so glad my son is back in town so that I can see him more often. I'm proud of him as well for working as hard as he has been. I pray that God directs his life, but only he can let that happen. He has started taking Taekwondo. I SO hope he stays with it. It is so good for the body and mind. My Master tried to kill me tonight. When you run a forty four year old man back and fourth without paramedics on the scene, you have to wonder! I know that it is prolonging my life, and I never dreamed I would be able to kick over my head and break a board, so I think I'll stick with it for now!

My boss sent me an email today. The director of my entire department gave me permission to work any hours or shift that I want to in order to get my hours in. MAN I work for a great company. Thank you Lord! I know it comes from you!

I prayed with Becka tonight after I gave her a pill and tucked her in. When I pray these days, it's more like a conversation. I'm not praying for the church with my hands in the air so that everyone can see how enthusiastically I am praying. Granted, I love praise and worship, but lately I have taken a hard look at my motives. If I want my prayers to go farther than the ceiling, I have to be talking to God, not just going through the motions. I'm praying from the heart, and I know for a fact that he hears me, loves me, loves her, and wants us to be happy. It's the enemy that attacks my thoughts and emotions. He is able to do this as long as I'm in this earthy, fallen body. One day, all things will be set right, and the King of Kings will be all there is! I truly believe this, and I don't think it will be much longer the way the world is going. Things are pretty bad, but for now, I have my own house to deal with, and I'm grateful for it.

I'm going to eat and go to bed. Please pray that everything goes smoothly tomorrow, and that the stuff that is coming out of Becka's lungs is supposed to be. She mentioned that she might have pneumonia, with all of the vertigo and dizziness, fuzzy vision and all. I think she wanted me to stay up all night again........lol.

God Bless!

Day Ninety One

I can't believe it's Sunday night already. It's been a quick weekend that's for sure. Emotional as well. Becka has been having trouble with her vision and with dizziness. She's scared that is has something to do with the cancer in her brain. We are praying that it's because she's been in the house and inactive for a while now, but we did get out and to the store and my mother's house today. She's also been coughing up something over and over, like she's full of congestion. I hope she's coughing up dead cancer where the chemotherapy is working. We will find out soon, but until then fear is camping out. We have had a pretty good weekend though. There is just so much uncertainty. We want so bad to know if the chemo is working as well as it should so they can continue what they are doing or start a new course of action with other drugs. We have faith in her doctors, because we believe that they were placed before her by God. He is in charge no matter what.

I built Andrew a rack for his swords today and he painted it, then we hung it on his wall. He's great with tools, and it's something else he and I have in common. I taught him how to countersink screws and use the sander. He's very good with his hands, and he has an impressive sword collection. He bought the Marine sword yesterday, and it's my favorite that he has. I was glad that we got Becka out of the house today. She needs to exercise, but she gets winded easily. She walked upstairs to see his new sword rack and the stairs took everything out of her. She's had a headache for days as well, and she still have blisters behind her ears from the radiation. My mother told her that she looked beautiful today, because she does. Her face has always been her best feature, especially her eyes. She ate today! I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast and she ate both, then she snacked and finally had some vegetable soup for supper. Her strength is coming back, but by the time it gets here, it will be time for chemo again.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm holding my gorgeous wife close tonight as always. We are going to watch her favorite show then go to bed. Good night and God Bless! Same time tomorrow!

Day Ninety

It's Saturday and I'm watching the Duke / Carolina Game. Becka laid down about an hour ago. Her head has been hurting all day so she finally took something for it. Our bed warmer quit last night so I went out and bought a new one at Walmart after I picked Autumn up at the skating rink. The bed warmer is critical right now because she stays cold all of the time. I bought one that preheats the bed and it's programmable. Andrew and I went to the flea market today so that he could spend some of his money. He bought two nice swords, (he collects theme). One of them is a United States Marine officer's sword. It's my favorite that he has so far. We ordered pizzas for supper. I bought Becka's favorite - spinach parmesan, so I hope she can eat some. I'm going to watch a little of the game. Back in a bit!

Okay the game is over. It was over before it started. Carolina took it to my boys tonight. I guess they deserved it on both ends! Becka woke up and watched the last of the game with me. She's feeling a little better but still has a headache. I'm getting her out of the house in the morning. We are going to the flea market, walmart, and my mother's house if she feels up to it. She ate some of the roast I cooked the other night and so far so good. I pray that her headache is coming from being cooped up in the house and not eating. She got a letter from the doctor's today that says her MRI of her brain is going to be on March 26, then we have to wait two days to get the results. It's going to show that her tumors are all but gone I'm sure. I feel it in my heart. We have too many things to do together for her to be sick. She's on the road to recovery and next year this time, we will be making vacation plans. We ARE going to the beach.

We are watching "Son's of Guns". It's a great show for people who believe in the Constitution. Becka enjoys it but her favorite show comes on tomorrow, (The Amazing Race). I started tapering down on the steroids myself today. They are making me feel horrible so I'm going off of them earlier. I remember a time when I could medicate my feelings. Now I just have to feel them and express them, and this blog is a big part of that. By telling all of you how I feel, I allow you to help me, and I can look at what is going on inside of me instead of trying to figure it out.

God is all around us. He's so real to me that I can almost see him. There was a period in my life that I questioned the existence of God. Now he's the biggest part of my life. I talk to him more than anyone else, he is always with me no matter where I am or what I'm doing, and I rely on him more than anything. I don't know how people can live happily without God in their life, but I feel sorry for them. He is my rock and my shelter. All of you are my strength as well. There is NO WAY I could do this by myself. Everyone has been incredible, I have no complaints, and I love you all.

We are going to spend some quality time together, holding hands and watching people on TV blow stuff up. My verse for the night is Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path.

Good night!

Day Eighty Nine

Day eighty nine and things are better than last night thank the Lord. Becka is feeling better even though she can't eat. Nothing tastes good to her. I made pizza baked spaghetti, fixed her a bowl of Raisin Bran, and made milk shakes, but nothing, so I'll fix some eggs in the morning and hope her appetite is back. She's feeling better though. We had a rough time tonight but everything is okay now. I think our nerves got to us and we lashed out at each other. It wasn't bad and didn't last but a second, but I left for a few and went to Harbor Freight so that I wouldn't say anything stupid, or that I would regret. We text our love to each other and I came back home, and now I'm holding her feet and we are watching a movie, "The Hunt For Red October". I love it and she loves Sean Connery. I have to say he's still a beautiful man. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that.

Becka just went to bed. Her eyes were too tired to watch this so we will finish tomorrow. I'm going to lay down with her for a bit because I have to pick up Autumn in a little while at the Skating Rink. I'm glad I don't have to work tomorrow. We need the rest and the time together. We had a wonderful visit tonight from some fantastic people! They are friends of Becka's parents and have a wonderful ministry. Jim and Sarah Ellsmore have known Becka since she was born. They drove a long way to North Carolina and were headed to West Virginia when they left here. They prayed with Becka and Me and brought us some brownies. I absolutely love with all of my heart people that give so much of themselves and don't expect anything in return. Their rewards are waiting in Heaven!

She's asleep and things are good. Life goes on and I'm going to enjoy every minute I can. I'll feel much better when I get off of these steroids. They are driving me nuts and ruining my sleep, as if I could sleep anyway. We are keeping up the fight and are going to win with your help. God Bless you and thank you for everything. I'll write more tomorrow!

Day Eighty Eight

It's Thursday night and things have changed. Life always does. Becka has had a good day. Andrew and I just got back from Taekwondo. I cooked a roast in the crock pot today and we had dinner together and she ate. I made sure to put lots of baby carrots in it because she loves them. She enjoyed it and so did the kids. Everything was fine, until we got home. I bought her an ITunes card today so that she can put some more music on her IPOD. At first she told me she couldn't get the card to work and the code was invalid, so I tried to take it back to the store, but they said to go to the Apple web site. I'm so glad I always save receipts. I brought it back home after class and decided to try and enter the code, and it worked. That's when she told me that her vision had become blurry on her left side again, just like it did right before they diagnosed her cancer. I know that she's tired, but at first I didn't realize how upset she was until I saw her crying. I embraced her and told her it would be okay, that the medicine will work and God will heal her. She's terrified. I try to put myself in her shoes and I can't get all the way there, but the love we share helps me to understand some of how she feels.

 I'm terrified too. If the cancer wasn't in her brain I wouldn't think much of it, but it is, so anything dealing with her vision, and the fact that she's had seizures, scares me to my soul. Sometimes I think that this can't really be happening, but it is and we have to deal with it. For the first time in my life, I can't run. There is no "out" for us. There is only one course and we have to trust in God, which is very very hard sometimes. I know that he can heal her, and I know that he will heal her, but what I don't know are his plans. This is a paralyzing fear and I'm shaking all over right now. I put her to bed because she's worn out, and I came outside because I didn't want her to see me this way. I only want to be strong because she is the one going through this and she needs me to be strong, but the part of me that has never been strong is my faith, until now. I'm sitting here typing with a left middle finger that I smashed between a meat grinder I was working on today and a pipe wrench that apparently slips sometimes. It filled my fingernail up with blood, so I heated up a paperclip and burned a hole in the nail to relieve the pressure. I will lose the nail, I've done it before. The point is that I can deal with any kind of physical pain. I've always had a high tolerance for broken bones and asphalt burns, but emotional pain cripples me. I have no choice but to rely on a God that has saved me countless times. I know this for a fact. I'm not alive by chance, and NO ONE is that lucky. I just wish I could wave a wand and she would be healed, but I'm so powerless, and there is where the fear lives. There is nothing I can do but stand with her and hope that God hears us when we beg him for mercy. One day all will be revealed. Anyone who has dealt with this understands how this feels. It's like walking around in a bubble, and the world as we knew it isn't real anymore. We still have good times and good moments, but they are always overshadowed by cancer. Tuesday, March 13, 2012, will be life changing I hope. That is when they are going to scan her and tell us what is happening inside. Until then, life is somewhat on hold. I appreciate all that everyone has done, and I know that you are hurting as well because you love her too. I just feel like we are all alone in this, and I know that it's just my mind playing with me, but when the smoke clears, and everyone has gone to bed, and I'm laying behind her in the dark listening to her breath, touching her shoulder, that is when I'm all jumbled up inside. That is when I'm truly terrified. I need her to be laying there every night for the rest of my life. I need her to bury me, and if God will let me, I'll gladly take her place in this. Please God make her well.

I'm going to watch a little TV then go to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you. I know you are in this with us, skin in the game, and I'm grateful. I'm just a wreck tonight. Tomorrow is another day.