Day 331

Wednesday night, Halloween! Just another so called holiday that makes me remember Beck isn't with us. I took the  kids out trick or treating. Andrew dressed up and went to a few houses, but then wanted to come back home. Autumn and her friend Reagan rode with us. I really like Reagan. He's a good kid, and I love his Parents. He's very respectful and carries himself well. I only wish Beck could have met him. He's Autumn's first real "guy" friend. We took him home and he only lives about a mile from us. His parents named him after Ronald Reagan, if that tells you anything. 

Today was difficult because I'm still sick from the pneumonia. I'm going back to the doctor in the morning before I go to work. I know it's affecting my emotions. I thought about tonight all day. Beck and I used to dress up the kids on Halloween and take them trick or treating to a couple of neighborhoods that take it seriously. We would always tie the sliding doors open on the van so that the kids could jump out quick and get to houses. She and I would sit in the van and slowly follow them through the neighborhood. Beck loved to dress up as well. She would dye her hair and wear cool clothes. Everything we did was as a family. The kids would load up on candy, then come home and dump it all out, then they would split it. I'm glad all of that didn't happen this year. I would have cried through the whole thing. Andrew went around our neighborhood, then we rode to my Mother's house and he walked through their neighborhood. Only one house was giving out candy. In the past, I remember there were a couple of houses that were too spooky for the kids and I would get out and walk with them to the door. I loved the way Becka looked at me when I did things like that. She knew I would protect her kids with my life, and they knew it too. It was times like that which made us the family we were, and still are. Without her though, there will always be something missing. It's going to feel like that for a long time to come. Autumn asked me if I would ever marry again. I think she wants me to, because she even brought up a couple of people. Not replacements mind you. There is no replacement for Beck. I explained to her that it will be a long time before I think about that, because her mother still has my heart, and if I do remarry, it will have to be completely fresh and new. I can't bring anything in to it from the past. Autumn is very intuitive. She sees me crying a lot, even though I try to hide it, and she knows I'm lonely. There is an empty feeling inside of me that only God can fill. If I try to fill it, then it will be all wrong, so I'm patiently waiting on him. He's brought us this far and I trust him.

I put a couple of stuffed spiders and a strobe light outside. Andrew and I build a coffin last year for a Halloween decoration. It had a skeleton dressed as a pirate sticking out of the top. I told him that it wouldn't be appropriate this year, so we gave it to the neighbors. He and I will build other things. He's great with tools. I let him cut the boards, use the drill, and hammer it together. I even let him cut down a tree with the chain saw. He was thrilled! 

I'm going to bed very early, like in a few minutes. I need my sleep and I'm going back to the doctor. God Bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you, may he lift us his countenance unto you, and give you peace.

Sweet Dreams!

Day 330

Tuesday night and I just got home, again. Today was a very busy day. The supervisor of the Energy department came to my store and worked with me all day. I was up and down the roof hatch a dozen times. We did a bunch of work in hopes to save energy. I found myself talking about Beck all day and he listened. He's a good, Christian man who has been with the company for thirty years. It was fantastic of him to come and help me all day. He is the top dog at the company in the Energy department. He created the department and wrote all of our setpoints himself. There isn't anything he doesn't know about operations, and he loves to teach, so I was blessed to be with him all day. I'm constantly learning because I keep an open mind and don't act like I know something if I don't. 

I have to make this short tonight. I'm very tired and I need more sleep than I've been getting. I got home from work today and gathered the kids. We took off and went to the drug store to buy some bandaids and stuff, then we went to the Mall. Andrew told me yesterday that his new glasses were hurting his ears. I checked and sure enough he has sores behind his ears, so we took his glasses back and they gave him another pair. He picked them out and we went to Ruby Tuesday's for supper, then we went back and picked up his new glasses. He looks great in them and they fit much better! I'm glad because he hasn't had a headache since he started wearing them. God is good! He has blessed us recently. Even though Beck isn't here anymore, God is all around us, carrying us through this. 

I got home today and there was a package for me. It was from the funeral home. They made me cry finally. They sent me a candle holder with Beck's picture on it, a picture with a poem in it, and a list of grief counseling. There was also a beautiful card. It was the second time I had cried today. I always cry in the mornings when I wake up and she's not beside of me, and tonight I walked out and had a few minutes to myself when I opened the package. 

It's very cold and the wind is blowing. Winter is coming and the leaves are falling off the trees. Life is much different tonight than it was a year ago this time. I dread the Holidays. We are going to my Mother's house for Thanksgiving this year. Beck and I always hosted Thanksgiving, but I told everyone I couldn't this year. I'm cooking the turkey though. It won't be the same without her, but nothing ever stays the same. Change is a part of life, and I need to learn to deal with it. I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm better than I was a couple of weeks ago. We will make it through this together, and one day we will all be together in Paradise with Beck showing us around. I'll bet she's having fun tonight. I'm glad she's happy and not hurting anymnore.

I'm calling it a night. Sweet Dreams and God Bless. 

Day 329

It's Monday night and I'm lucky to be writing this at all because our internet is extremely slow due to the storms. The wind is blowing so hard! I thought that my neighbors had bought a porch umbrella just like mine. Turns out it was mine. I'm not complaining. I'm praying for those who live along the coast. I can't imagine what they are going through. I talked to my Sister in Christ Laurie today who told me that she was driving through a ghost town because there was no power. God please be with everyone there.

I haven't been home long. I just started a load of clothes and fixed me a cup of coffee. Becka would always say, "I smell coffee", and I would have already fixed her a cup. She loved coffee so much, she drank it out of a soup bowl. I still have them in the cabinet. I was going to get rid of them, but I changed my mind. There are several things I'm keeping. At first, it really hurt to look at some of Beck's things, and I gave a lot of it away to Autumn, Beck's Sisters, and her other sister Gina. Now it's okay because God has made it okay. I wear her robe. It's big and fluffy and warm, and it still smells like the sugar scrub she used in the shower. I'm never washing it. I also have many personal items which are put away, but I still get them out for some reason and torture myself. She loved Elvis, and I have a very nice collection of CD's. I'm wearing her gold cross. I gave her other gold necklaces to my son Dillon and Autumn. I have a serious set of women's watches, and when I look at them, they remind me of certain things Beck and I did because I can see her putting them on. I gave most of her clothes to Goodwill because that's what she wanted, but I have a couple of her favorite outfits. Don't worry, I won't wear them out anywhere.

Today was a difficult day for some reason. I thought about her all day and couldn't do my job very well, so I took off about two O'clock. I came home and picked up Autumn and we ran a couple of places, then I took her to the Mall and she got her ear pierced, again. She is so brave. She holds two of my fingers on my right hand every time. Her entire ear was red! I know it hurt, but she sat right there! She really is a chip off the old block. Beck had a very high threshold of pain. There were times when she was hurting but didn't want the kids to know, so she grinned and bared it. I was so in awe of her, and now that she's not here, I hurt in places I didn't know existed. I was climbing a ladder today and it hit me, so I had to just climb back down. I pray my boss has patience with me. He has given me so much latitude. I don't think it's a problem, but I'm going to try and do my best. My heart feels like it's going to explode sometimes and it devastates me. The only time I feel normal is when I'm with the kids. Autumn is her mother incarnate. She's smart, funny, intuitive, compassionate, and sarcastic when she wants to be. I see so much of Beck in her. 

I know that the more days I put together, the easier this will be. This is something I pray no one ever goes through, but many do and everyone handles it a little differently. I pray and call people. I'm glad that no one is tired of hearing me cry. The people who knew Beck and Me personally understand the love we had for each other, and they don't judge. I'm grateful for everyone reading this. God Bless you all!

Until tomorrow, Sweet Dreams and God Bless! I'm going to spend some time with the kids.

Day 328

It's Sunday night and it's cold outside! I'm feeling so much better, by the Grace of God. I totally rearranged the living room this morning, cleaned the whole house, and went to Lowes to buy a new lamp. I also bathed two of the dogs. I left the other two for the kids when they got home. It's been a good day. I put a bunch of stuff away and made a lot more room in the living room. The kids are in there playing with the dogs as we speak. I think it will help with healing. Change is good sometimes. I found an old notebook of Beck's today. Her hand writing is unmistakable. I put it with some of her other things I'm keeping. I never thought I would be a widower, never. I thought I would leave a widow here though. I still talk to Beck all the time like she's still here. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't care. I miss her just as much today as I did the first time I came home without her, but I can tell that God is healing my heart. I don't cry as much, but I was alone all weekend. It's usually when someone asks about her that I choke up. There are other times that are very difficult for me. I still reach over in the bed for her. Her stuffed frog has taken her place for now, and the dogs surround me. Mornings are hard as well. When I come out on the back porch to drink my coffee and watch the sun come up, I can almost see her sitting beside of me, waiting on the hummingbirds. Time will heal and change things I'm sure, but for now I miss everything about her. I have her voice on video. I watch it when I'm alone because I don't want the kids to see me cry. They are under enough stress as it is. Losing their mother is enough to deal with without seeing their step dad break down. I'm taking them to DC in a couple of weeks. I was going to surprise them, but I told them tonight. Now that I've been, I know where to take them. There are so many Art Museums there that Autumn will love, and Andrew will enjoy the Smithsonian. I'm going to see if my son Dillon can get off of work and go with us. 

God is working on me, I can feel it, and I've never felt closer to him in my life. Ever since Beck left us the way she did, it changed my way of thinking. I've never personally seen God in action until that night. He wanted us to know that he came in the room and took her. It's an experience that I need to witness to for the  rest of my life. As far as my human emotions go, every time I feel lonely or disconnected, someone always seems to call at that time with  the right thing to say. I'm not worried anymore about the future. I know he's in control and will make things right. For now, I'm a work in progress. I always will be when it comes to what God wants me to be. I'm not sure where I will be in a year, but I'm not concerned with it now. I just need to concentrate on what is right in front of me. Then I won't stress about what I don't have control over, which ultimately is nothing except how I act and what I do. I can't let anyone else determine my destiny. I have to seek his will for me and trust him. He knows what he is doing. I never have.

I'm so glad the kids are home. The house was way too empty. They are laughing together in the living room. Laughter is always good in a home. There has been too much sadness here lately. Andrew hasn't had a headache since he started wearing his glasses! God be praised! He looks good in them as well. I'm so glad he isn't hurting anymore. He's been going to bed early, but he just asked me if he could stay up a little later and I said yes. I'm going to bed in a few. I have to work tomorrow.

Thank you for sticking by me and my family all this time. We have felt your prayers and many of you have sacrificed for us. We won't forget it. If you need me, I'll be there. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 327

It's Saturday night and I'm sick, so this will be short. I've had a headache all day and it's gotten progressively worse. It may be due to the fact that this is day one without steroids, but it feels like sinus pressure. I took a decongestant, tylenol, and some ibuprofen, but nothing has helped, so I'm going to lay down right after this. Someone please come knock me out! I had so much to do today, and I managed to destroy my living room, but if I had felt better I would have finished it. I did go to the funeral home today to see Jack. His brothers were there and so was my father and sister. They were all going to a biker bar that Jack hung out at to have the Wake. The funeral home was enough for me. I came home and laid down thinking that it would make my headache go away, but it's even worse. I was up all night last night, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I couldn't sleep, the house was too empty, but the kids will be back tomorrow. I pray my headache is gone by tomorrow as well.

The same funeral home that took care of Beck was where Jack was. They had him cremated. It sent a chill down my spine to walk back in there so soon. I'm glad that Jack was on the other side of where Becka was. 

I have so much to say but I need to lay back down. God Bless and I'll try to write more later tonight. If I don't, I will write in the morning before I go to church. I can't wait for that! 

Day 326

Friday night and I don't know what to do with myself. The house is empty with the exception of me. It's been a good day. I took off of work today and got a bunch done. I got the kids up and out the door. I didn't have to fix Andrew a lunch because I was picking him up early. I made the decision this morning to scour my bathroom. It had become a place of unholiness, so I took everything out of it and scrubbed it down. I took the toilet seat completely off and put it in the bathtub to wash it. You can eat off the floor now. It looks so good, I'm not going to use it until I clean the kid's bathroom. I'm going to use theirs for now. I took off and went to an appointment with a CPA who is handling the IRS for me. It seems I owe taxes from 1998. Go figure. You would think they would write it off by now, but I can tell you, the IRS never forgets.

 I left there and had breakfast with a dear friend, then went to another appointment in Clemmons. I tried to get as much done as possible today, because I don't need to take any more work off. They have been so good to me, and it's time for me to pay them back by being a model employee. It's all about gratitude, and I'm extremely grateful for my job. I left there and came back to the house, then went and picked up Andrew. We went by McDonalds and got him some lunch, then I took him to the doctor for his headaches. The doctor checked him thoroughly and said it was probably a combination of stress and poor eyesight, but if the headaches don't stop, they will do a CT Scan. We left there, came by the house, then went to the eye doctor. It turns out that he has 2200 / 2200 vision. I'm surprised the young man can see at all! I got his prescription and we went to Lenscrafters so that he could pick out some frames. He picked out some Ray Bans with a blue frame. They really show off his eyes. He looks great in them, and he read street signs all the way to Burlington, where I met their Dad and dropped them off for the weekend, and now I'm here. The dogs are very happy to see me and won't leave me alone. I'm glad because I don't want to be alone. It will be fine though. I'm going to watch TV then go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to rearrange the entire house including the bedroom. Change is good sometimes! I took my last steroid this morning. I'm not taking them anymore for a long time even if I get sick again. I look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy. 

As I was driving tonight, a song came on the radio and it tortured me. The song "Patience" by Guns and Roses played, and I remember Beck, dancing with me in the living room and singing it in my ear. I'm haunted by her voice and the lyrics of the song, "I need you this time". It occurred to me that although we loved each other, we needed each other too, and that's big. It's what made our marriage stay together in tough times. I can love someone, but if I don't need them, then I can do without them, and I couldn't do without Becka. I didn't just want her, I needed her to be here when I got home. I needed her to tell me she loved me. I needed her to reach for me and to look at me from across the room. Those were things I couldn't do without. I needed her as much as I needed food and water to survive, and now that she's gone, I need to accept that she's not coming back, and learn how to breath in the process. 

I have so much on my mind right now, and sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air, but no matter what I'm dealing with at the time, she is always there in my mind. I see her with her pants legs rolled up, standing in the river, panning for emeralds at the mine we went to several times. She would throw her hair back and smile and say, "Baby I found one"! I see her feeding a water buffalo and giggling at the drive thru zoo we went to. I see her on our honeymoon feeding the seagulls from her hand on the beach and loving every minute of it. I see her holding my Brother's or Fern's newborn baby and the love pouring out. I see Beck everywhere. We had a great life together, and now that it's over, I'm lost without her. She was and is so precious to me. She made this dark world seem brighter, and she made me feel like a man when she touched me and called me her own. I need my memories like I needed her. They remind me of the wonderful marriage we had, and we did have a fantastic marriage. Right now she's floating through the streets of gold, and I would sell everything I have for one more minute with her. I'm still heartbroken, and I will be for a long time. God will carry me through this, He works through all of you, and I'm grateful for it. I just want to stop hurting, or know that I will one day. I don't see it right now, but it will come. 

I'm going to try and get some sleep. My eyes are heavy. Have a Blessed weekend. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 325

Thursday night and I'm finally sitting down. I still have laundry to do and the kitchen to finish cleaning, but I'm off tomorrow so I may work it in when I can. I'm so tired. I almost fell asleep at work today standing up. Today was a good day. I'm saying that because I want to give God all the Glory for every good day. I'm sure I'll have some rough ones to come, but all in all it was blessed. I took the girls to school this morning, then high tailed it back here and took off to work. A friend of mine from our Energy Department has been helping me all week get caught up. It feels good to be back at work and be productive, plus I get to see friends that I haven't seen in a while.

 I carry Beck wherever I go and I talk about he all day long. I carry a laminated copy of her Obituary in my pocket to show people. They all say the same thing, "She was beautiful". I always agree. Beck was stunningly gorgeous to me, even when she was bald and sick. Her smile made her the most precious thing on Earth, and her little "giggle laugh" was contagious. She would be so proud of Autumn and Andrew. Autumn asked me last night if she could have a guest over after school, (a boy). A male child in my house to see her. My heart twisted in my chest, but I said okay. She said he was a friend and that's fine. His Mother dropped him off, and it turned out he is a great kid. (Trust me, I haven't forgotten that he's a male child no matter how great he is). I had to trust her and she's never given me any reason not to. I laid out the ground rules, like the fact that while he is here, we don't have an upstairs. The stairs don't exist. All we have is a living room and a kitchen. Dillon was here as well, so I made some baked spaghetti. They all chowed down. When it came time for him to leave, his Dad picked him up, so I went outside to meet him. Turns out his Dad is a friend of mine and Beck, and is our Bank Manager. It's a very small world. He said he didn't put two and two together when his son told him about Autumn losing her mother to cancer. He notarized many documents for us over the last six months and he knew Beck well. God knows exactly what he is doing! Autumn got her learner's permit in the mail today. She showed it to me and I made over it! It's a big deal! She even smiled for the picture! 

I really do love my life, but I wish Beck was here so much. I know she is watching over us, but the kids miss her. The dogs do as well and they are still chewing the hair off of their rears. Especially Angel. I don't know what to do except take her to the vet and put her on sedatives. That would work for me as well. The doctor gave me an antidepressant the other day, but I'm not going to take it. I want to feel my feelings and sort them out, walk through this pain to the other side, and be a better man for it. Beck will always be with me. She left an imprint on me that nothing can take off. The love we shared was what I had looked for my whole life. God brought us together, then he took her. I don't try to understand it anymore. I'm just trying to get through the day most of the time, but something always reminds me of her, and the feeling of loss crushes my stomach and makes me a blubbering idiot. I can't function when I think of her sometimes. I can't believe she's gone forever. I went back and looked at my blog, the early days, and I remember the fear and desperation we both had at times, but our faith in God saw past that and made things okay. I just miss her terribly, and I will for a long time to come. I miss the way she called me "Baby". I miss her hand on my face when she kissed me, the smell of her hair and the way it felt when she laid her head on my chest at night. The way she said, "I love you". My best memory of Beck was when she walked down the aisle and faced me, and I could see her beautiful eyes through the veil. I knew then and I know now, I would have done anything for her. It was a fairy tale worthy of Disney. I wonder if I will ever have that again. I'm jealous of couples these days, and I shouldn't be. I just feel like all of the love in my life has been taken away. I know people love me. I'm talking about the intimacy and passion of a relationship like we had. It was so unique to me. That part of me still belongs to Beck, but I want it so. I pray some day I can have it again, but if not, I treasure the time that I did have. Nothing can take that away.

I'm going to wrap up and go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I'm going out to breakfast with a friend in the morning, and then to a couple of appointments, then I'm picking up Andrew early and taking him to the doctor, then the eye doctor, and finally I'm meeting the kid's Dad tomorrow night to drop them off for the weekend. Like I said, long day. I pray that all of you have peace in your hearts. Life is too short not to.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 324

It's Wednesday night and I'm sitting on my back porch drinking a great cup of coffee, starving to death. I've kept to my diet all day. I was going to go to Taekwondo this evening, but I decided to go with Andrew tomorrow to Family Class. Adult class is just too late and I don't want to leave the kids alone with Andrew not feeling well. Today has been a good day and I'm grateful. I worked all day, then shot home and took Andrew to class while Autumn, Dillon, and I went to see my Mother and Step dad. I bought Andrew two new dressers because his fell apart and his clothes are everywhere, and Steve put one of them together for me. I'm going to try and go to bed early tonight. I have to take the girls to school in the morning then get to work. 

I've been sleeping much better lately. Things are just different and it's going to take a long time to adjust. Nothing is the same without Beck here. I watched the sunrise this morning and took some pictures of it from my back porch. The clouds were orange and it was beautiful, and all I could think about was how much she loved sitting out here drinking coffee and watching the sunrise and our little hummingbirds. It's funny, they haven't been back since she left us. I haven't filled up the feeders, but the feeders are red, so if the hummingbirds were still around they would at least come and check them out. I guess they left with her. 

Beck was so easy to please. She loved the simple things in life, and if the kids were happy, she was ecstatic. Her life was all about others. She was so self-sacrificing, even in death. She gave her eyes so that two other people could see. I received a letter from the Eyebank thanking us, and they are going to send us the information about who got her eyes. I didn't think they did that, but apparently I was wrong. I love the fact that others are going to see through her eyes. Beck's eyes looked straight in to my soul every time we made contact. If she wanted something to drink or eat, she would ask, "Are you hungry or thirsty"? That was her cue instead of asking for something for herself. The day before she went in to the hospital was Andrew's birthday party, and I know she was hurting because of the pictures. I can see it in her face, but I know that she held out because she didn't want to go on his birthday. The next day she was screaming in agony due to the embolisms we didn't know about, and not even morphine could take the pain away. Beck was incredible and unique. She loved everybody and had no enemies. I wondered for a long time why God put me with her. Now I know what my calling was, and I treasure every second we had together. I think I miss talking to her the most, with kissing her a close second. We would lay in bed at night and talk for hours until we fell asleep. We talked about everything, especially the future. That is, until she got sick. Then our conversations changed. She battled the cancer with everything she had, but deep down I think she knew it was going to win. Especially when she found out that it was stage four. It didn't matter though. She fought for every second with her family, and her war with evil won't be forgotten. I won't let it be. Everyone will know the strength and courage she had, and how special she was. Her maiden name was King, and now she's with the King of Kings. Kind of symbolic really. The fact that she took my last name is my greatest accomplishment so far, but all of the credit goes to God. He worked on me for a long time preparing me for her, and now I know what he had in mind. I'm still a work in progress, but I made her happy and managed to better her life towards the end, I would like to believe anyway. Now God is working on me again. My heart and mind are open to him for whatever he wants from me. My ultimate goal is to get to Heaven, but that has already been bought and paid for in blood, so I don't have to worry about that. Until that time, I will do my best to seek out his will for me every day, even if it goes against my plans. 

Like I said, this has been a good day. Tomorrow is what I make of it. I have a friend coming over this Saturday to help me rearrange the living room. I forgot to tell him about Beck, and he came over tonight to see how she was. He and his wife want me to go Saturday night to sing Karaoke. I don't know if I will go. I can't sing, I don't drink, and, no offense, I don't want to be around single women, so what else is there? I'll probably stay here and get some much needed rest. I'm still not quite over the pneumonia.

It's bed time, I hope. I pray that you have a wonderful night, and that you love someone and they love you. Love is really what it's all about. We weren't designed to be alone or God would have stopped with Adam. For me right now, alone or with a bunch of guys suits me just fine. We can stand around and shoot guns, scratch ourselves, make disgusting noises and laugh about them, and hit golf balls. Sounds like Heaven to me! 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Oh yeah, one other thing, I shaved my mustache today. Beck never would let me, but I haven't seen my top lip in twenty years. Now I know why. Good Night!

Day 323

It's Tuesday night and I just got home from my Mother and Step dad's house. It is his birthday and we went to the party. We believe in celebrating birthdays around here! Steve, my Step Dad, is by far the greatest thing that ever happened to my Mother. My Mom is an Angel. Her heart is bigger than her entire body, but for years she was married to my Father, and all I can say is that he was very sick. My Mother had been divorced for many years and had been alone all that time. She had men pursue her, but she wasn't interested in any of them. She and Steve were friends back in high school. They hadn't talked in years, until Steve's wife died, then he joined "Classmates.com". That's when he and my mother hooked up again, and the rest is history. They have a marriage like Becka and I had. He takes such good care of her and treats her like a queen. He truly is a gift from God! 

I worked all day, and it was okay. I saw a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a while, again. Every day I am going to another store, and they all want to know how I am. I have been sharing the miracle of the night Becka left us and went home. I had a bunch of women crying today at one of my stores. They all read this, so they know the story already, but hearing it first hand was much more powerful. I got a lot of hugs today. Eventually, things will settle down and go back to normal, whatever that is. I have no idea what normal will be. I just need to sit back and let God handle things. 

Tonight, on the way to the party at my Mother's, it hit me hard and I had to let go. Autumn was sitting in the passenger's seat where Beck always sat. I would reach over and hold her hand, no matter where we were going. My family loved Becka. They knew she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and she was beloved. I think they are all still in shock. I know I am. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds. On one hand, I cling to the life Beck and I had. I don't want to let it go, and I don't have to right now. On the other hand, there is a life waiting for me out there. It's going to take some time, and some pain, and some healing, but I'll get there. Right now it feels like being in a prison of emotion. I miss her so very much. I know she would want me to be happy, and I did have some great moments today.  It will get different, then it will get better.God is helping me with that through all of you. I actually got only one coffee cup down this morning. It's progress! This weekend I'm going to completely rearrange my living room. I can't walk in the house without seeing her sitting there. The change will do me good. I work tomorrow and Thursday, but I'm off Friday. I can work on the house all weekend. The kids will be at their Dad's. I'm dropping them off after Andrew's Eye Doctor appointment. 

I'm so tired I can't stay awake. I guess everything is catching up to me. I'm waiting on a friend to call, then I have a few other calls to make. This blog is fixing to end. My journey with Becka is over almost. It will never be completely over because she left too much of herself with me. I'll keep writing until I can get through a whole day without breaking down and hitting my knees in pain. Then I think I can let go of this life. Until then, the journey continues. Below is a blog that Becka did on her Myspace before we got married. She always let me know how she felt about me. Hey Baby, I feel the same way!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

From Becka's blog on Myspace (Feb 24, 2008) :Being in love...

Current mood:blissful

What is being in love about? Is it about caring or getting cared ? Is it about loving or being loved ? Putting the other person's happiness before your own or being happy together. I'm in love with the most incredible man...Randy. But yet if someone asks me now to define love I don't think I can. Yes, I can give 

this philosophical and the typical answer that love is something that can only be felt and cannot be defined. You know...what I feel for Randy goes far beyond that...all I can do is tell you what I know in my heart.

People sometimes worry that they are losing the love that brought them together, but love changes tone and color all the time. People make a mistake in thinking of love as a constant, unchanging emotion. What may feel like loss of love may be its ripening. Being in love can transform into a deeper, steadier desire to be together and share a life.

Some people think that being in love is an illusion and that it only leads to catastrophe because you can't make a good decision from that place. But I think that being in love is one of the great joys of life. It brings people together and gives them the kick they need to get over obstacles in their developing relationship. Yes, you can make bad decisions because of love's blindness, but you can also make good ones. We all need an extra jolt of passion to get over our inhibitions and move a step further into what life has to offer.

Being in love is an altered state. Suddenly your life is focused on another person and you can't bear being separated from him or her. You are in a bubble of fantasy, feeling overcome and giddy...it's accepting someone completely into your heart...the one you can't get out of your mind, it's a feeling....yes, it's a feeling no one would understand but you and that special someone.

In a few months I will walk down the aisle and become Mrs. Patton...there is nothing in this life that compares to that feeling. So you ask me if I'm "in love" you know what...you bet ya! I have no doubts...God has blessed me with that love! I love you Randy...now and always.

Day 322

It's Monday night, and I know you are getting tired of hearing that it was an emotional day, but it was. Every day is now. I did sleep last night though! I took two of the Melatonin that Gina gave me and I slept about six hours. I turned the bed heater on last night and the dogs surrounded me. I felt so much better this morning. The new medicines and your prayers are working. I feel very good and I'm going back to taekwondo tomorrow night. I kept to my diet all day! I had a banana this morning for breakfast, then a ham and turkey sub from Subway for lunch, no cheese or mayo, just lettuce and tomatoes. For supper, the kids wanted Wendy's and milk shakes, and I ate a tuna sandwich with fat free mayonnaise dressing. I'm determined to lose weight. I feel so much better when I'm thirty pounds lighter, and I know it will help me with my emotions. Running on the treadmill or around the block, push ups and sit ups help too. Keep the blood pumping! It's one day at a time like everything else.

Andrew took his cell to school this morning. It was great and he worked hard on it! He's been having headaches, so I made him an appointment with the eye doctor on Friday, and I'm taking him to the Pediatrician then as well. He and his sister are going to their Dad's this weekend, and I'm going to try and get some things done around here that I've been putting off, then I might go to my Dad's and shoot some. Who knows. I may just lay around the house and catch up on sleep. I've been running and running, sick all the time mind you, and I need the rest. Watching movies all weekend will help. I don't think I'll watch "Steel Magnolias" or "A Walk To Remember".  I'll stick with something funny. 

I went back to work today. It was good to get back in the swing of things. I received a thousand hugs, and I had to stop and talk to many about Beck. I can't get away from it, so I don't try. I appreciate that people want to hear how I'm doing and that they have been praying for me. I never dreamed I would have so much support. I talked about Beck all day and worked, then I took off to take care of business things. I had to go drop off two "Certified Death Certificates". I ordered ten, and I had to proof read it when they first gave them to me. I haven't looked at one since, but every time I pull one out, I know what I am holding and it crushes me. I appreciate that the people who are receiving them have been very sympathetic, kind, and patient with me. I just hand it to them, then hold up one finger telling them I'll be right back. I go outside and do my thing, gather myself or try to, then go back and finish what needs finishing. I have to go to the Social Security Administration Friday morning. I'm going to try and get there when they open so I won't have to wait.

I was looking at pictures today with some coworkers. Becka was so beautiful, even when she was sick and close to death. She always had a spark in her eyes, especially when she was looking at the kids. They were her pride and joy. I'll never know what she saw in me when we first met. Maybe potential! It took a lot of training, but I came around. I'm glad that I'm trainable. It took time and effort for us to learn about each other. The first two years are the hardest, because most people don't clear out the garbage from the past, and that's the first thing that has to happen. My relationship with Beck was unique. I had to have a new attitude about everything. She accepted my faults and loved me in spite of myself. If I think about it, not a day went by when we were married that we didn't tell each other "I Love You". This house seems so empty without her here. The kids are upstairs playing. I'm down here waiting on the debate, then going to bed. I think it's finally sinking in that she's gone, to me anyway. I can still see her walk in the room and look at me, or call my name through the house. I feel her everywhere, yet she seems so far away. I remember everything about our marriage, and I want it back so much, but that's not going to happen today, so I guess I'll just see her later. I remember the movie "Phenomenon", with John Travolta. It's a great movie, but this is a spoiler alert if you haven't seen it, so don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know what happens.

John Travolta is laying in a hospital bed dying of a malignant brain tumor. His girlfriend is with him, and he asks her, "Will you love me for the rest of my life?" She says, "No, but I'll love you for the rest of mine". Beck and I said that to each other before she died because she remembered it from the movie. I meant it. I will love her for the rest of my life. Is there love out there for me again one day? I would say yes. That's up to God, but I have a lot of love to give. Right now, Beck still has my heart, so I can't give what I don't have. I still have a lot of healing, crying, screaming, and pulling my hair out to do. Beck told me before she died that she wanted me to go on and remarry. She said I don't do well alone. I told her that if I died first, she better not remarry. I would come back and haunt whoever she was with, make them wish they were never born! That made her laugh. Her sweet, beautiful laugh. It always went straight to my heart. I'm glad I remember what it sounded like.

My future is up in the air, because I'm giving it to God. I'm not going to try and control anything anymore, because it's all an illusion anyway-"control". Try and go against God's will and see what happens! Until I know more about his plan for me, I will love my Family, love my friends, love my dogs, and try to accept and forgive people on the spot, (unless they cut me off in traffic). Okay, them too. I never pray for patience when I'm driving, because that's when God puts a two hundred year old woman in front of me in the fast lane. All I can see is blue hair sticking up over the seat as we do 45 mph. (At least my sense of humor is coming back). That's a good sign.

I'm going in and spend some time with the kids, watch the debate, then go to bed. Love all of you! 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 321

It's Sunday night already and I'm sitting on my back porch writing this. I just came out here because Andrew and I built a "Cell" for school. He's fantastic with his hands. He painted it all himself and labeled the parts. I made Mexican Pizzas for supper. The kids love them so they don't last long. Today has been a very good day. We woke early, (too early for me), and had breakfast at the hotel, then we took off and went down the Blue Ridge Parkway. The leaves are changing and it's beautiful. Autumn has taken so many pictures, so I told her she should take over her Mother's picture website, "Through My Eyes". She was ecstatic about the idea. She's going to do a tribute to her mother, then start posting her own pictures. The kids and I had a great weekend. They loved the Ford Escape that I rented, but when we go to buy a new vehicle, (used that is, I never buy a new vehicle), I promised Autumn she could come, and she wants to buy a Ford Edge. It's what Beck wanted, so that is all that matters to her. I did well today all day. My mind was so tired though. I'm going to bed soon to try and sleep because I start back to work tomorrow. I'm going to take some melatonin. It seems to work thanks to my sister in Christ Gina! I need at least six hours of sleep. I only got four last night and four the night before. We watched a movie and ate pizza in the room last night, so we stayed up too late. Andrew wanted to check out the indoor pool, but it was small and he was tired. I'm sure the kids will sleep tonight. I call her a kid, but I shouldn't. Autumn is wise beyond her years. She has so much of her mother in her. 

I was fine all day until I got home. It hit me that it's only three of us now. I walked outside and lost it. I stayed out here for a long time, until Andrew came out and asked me what was for supper, and told me he needed some paint. I've always considered myself a stand up guy. No one has backed me down since middle school where my Father made me fight my bully. It changed my life, and I never got picked on again, but now I'm so full of fear. I know that fear is a primary emotion like love, and all bad feelings come from fear, like jealousy and rage, but this is different. I have no clue what God has planned for me, although I know there is a plan. I look at the pictures the kids and I took today and yesterday, and it burns my chest and makes me angry that Beck isn't in them, and she never will be again. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be at Autumn's wedding and Andrew's graduation. I feel guilty for grieving sometimes because I  know how much she meant to them, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I talk about her all of the time. I brought up some family memories in the car and had them both laughing. We all have a long way to go, but I want the pain to go away now, and it's not going to. We have to walk through it to the other side. I think that God will have to carry me. The kids are much stronger than I am. We prepared them well for this, as well as can be done, but nothing can make up for or prepare anyone to lose their mother. Even the dogs have just about grieved themselves bald. Our little Corgy "Angel" is twelve years old, and when Beck and I didn't come home from the hospital, she chewed  all of the hair off her back. She sleeps with Andrew every night She's better now since I got home, but she still misses Beck, and our miniature Dobie "Gabe" doesn't know if he's coming or going. I wish I had taken them all to the funeral home to see her. That way they wouldn't sit by the door waiting. Gabe used to lay his head on Beck's lap every night like he was protecting her. He knew she was sick, so he offered his love and it made a difference. Our dogs really are wonderful for that. They are my furry kids! My boy "Nate" has his head on me right now. God knew what he was doing when he made dogs!

Beck's parents made it to Florida. Thanks for all of the prayers so much! I miss all of the people that were here, but Andrew is glad to get his room back! He put his new swords up yesterday. I helped him put the sword rack together. Life has to go back to normal somehow. I'm not sure yet how that's going to happen, but God knows and that's enough for me. He's brought me this far. Might as well see it through to the end.

My eyes are crossed, so sweet dreams and God Bless. Tomorrow is a new day. I miss you Baby if you are reading this. I miss you so much it literally hurts everywhere. 

I was behind the camera....

Day 320

Saturday night and I'm sitting in the Fairfield by Marriott in Asheville NC. Andrew is on the bed behind me and Autumn is downstairs drinking coffee and doing her homework. We had a blast today. We took off early this morning and went to Walmart first. Autumn bought a very nice digital camera last night with her birthday money, and it didn't work out of the box. She charged the battery all night and tried it this morning, only to find that the screen wasn't working. She was rather upset. I assured her that we would make it right, so we went to Walmart, and our friend Kristi was working by herself in Customer Service. It's no coincidence that she was there. God knows what he's doing. She called electronics and got a new camera, then she took the old battery and put it in the new camera to check it. It worked great, so she let us keep the battery and stuck the new one in the other camera. We took off and picked up our rental car. It's a Ford escape and it's nice! I was afraid to drive out van all the way down here. We are going to have to trade for something more reliable soon. Our van has been a trooper! I'm thinking about keeping it for sentimental reasons. The first time I ever met Beck, she was driving it. She jumped out of the driver's seat and ran to me. I remember her holding me for the longest time. The van is part of us, so I think I will fix it up and use it to work and haul stuff. 

We got to Asheville in record time after stopping twice. We ate at McDonalds and we stopped by a store for a snack. The kids and I had a fantastic time today. Autumn took over a hundred pictures. Biltmore is an amazing place because of it's beauty and history. By the time we had toured the house and gardens, we were exhausted. I had planned on taking the kids to eat tonight at a nice restaurant, but they both wanted to come back to the room and eat pizza. Tomorrow, we are going downstairs to eat breakfast, then we are going to drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway. The mountains of North Carolina are fantastic. Then we are going back home because I start back work full time Monday. I'm looking forward to it, but I have so many candles in the fire, and my mind isn't hitting on all cylinders. I just trust in God to lead me every day to do what he wants me to. Today was emotional for me. The last time I was at Biltmore was with Beck and the kids. I have pictures on my facebook from two years ago. We had such a good time then. I talked about Beck to the kids today several times, and I asked them both if it bothered them. They said no. I know they miss their mother, but teenagers handle things differently. I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve these day. I miss Beck every second, no matter what I am doing.

 I'm walking through this and praying that God will make me whole again, but the fact is that I'm broken. We all are, but we are walking together to get to the other side. The kids give me strength, and I give them my heart. They are the closest thing to Beck on Earth. I don't know what the future holds and it's frightening, but they saw that I loved their mother, and the way I loved her, and they saw her love me. I know that it rubbed off, and they love me for it. I will always be a part of their lives, and them of mine. I'm giving everything to God, and praying that his will be done, because it's only if I know that's the case, I will be able to accept whatever happens. I have to live life one day at a time. My years with Becka gave me wisdom and the ability to love others, and they also gave me forgiveness. Whatever God decides to do with me now, I will use what Beck left me in my heart to try and do God's will. He has a life for me. I'm not sure what it is yet, but time will tell. 

I'm so exhausted that I'm sitting here nodding off. I'm going to lay down for the night so that we can get up early. God Bless and sweet dreams. Please pray for God's will to be done in my life. HIS will, not mine. 

Day 319

Friday night and I'm just now sitting down. It's been a busy day. It didn't start out well though. I woke up this morning at four and thought I was at the hospital, so I looked around for Beck. It took me a minute to realize I was in my bedroom, and she wasn't there. Needless to say I started the day off with grief. I went ahead and got up and made some coffee. I have to get Andrew up at five thirty every morning. This morning he wasn't feeling good. He has been having headaches, so I'm limiting his computer time and taking him to the eye doctor. I made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast and fixed him a small cup of coffee, made his lunch, then drove him to the bus stop. We pray together every morning. It's helping both of us. Beck and I used to pray together all of the time, and I think that it reassures Andrew that he will see his mother again one day. I got him on the bus and came back to the house, came out on the back porch and prayed for a while, then I meditated. I'm trying to relax and I just need to get well and back to taekwondo. I will feel much better when I work out, but right now I don't have the lung capacity. The new steroids are working though as well as the Avalox. I'm feeling a hundred times better. 

I hung around the house, then I had an appointment with a CPA / lawyer over some financial stuff. I believe in letting the experts handle business, because I've never been much of a business man. I can make money like crazy, but when it comes to investments, I let more educated people make decisions. I left there and went my Kmart to buy birthday decorations. We had Autumn's party tonight. It went very well. I got her cake from Dewey's Bakery, and if you have never had Dewey's, you are missing out. We decorated the house with pink and purple streamers and a sign that said "Happy Birthday". I wanted to make it special because this is her first birthday without her Mother. Everyone showed up, even my mother who is very sick. Please keep her in your prayers. She wasn't about to miss Autumn's fifteenth birthday party though. Autumn is very smart. She asked for money, and after the party she asked me to take her to Walmart. She's very conservative and saves her money for when she wants to buy something, so when we got to Walmart, she bought a very nice digital camera. It's a Cannon with a 35x zoom lens. She also bought a camera bag and SD card. We are going to Biltmore House and Gardens in the morning, so she can take lots of pics. 

Beck's parents are leaving in the morning. It will be just me and the kids, and next weekend they are going to their Dad's, so it will be just me. I won't be staying here. I'll be going somewhere for the weekend. I'm not ready to be here alone. I know I would just sit around and cry, so why do it. I may go to the beach, who knows. I start work back full time Monday. One of the guys from Food Lion's Energy Department is working with me for a week to help me catch up. He's a friend and he came to Beck's Wake. Food Lion is a family. It's the best company I've ever worked for. I plan to retire from there. 

Not much has changed. I still cry half the day, and enjoy the other half. I guess I should be grateful for that, but I miss her so very much. I miss everything about her, even the sick Beck. I've said it before, I'm happy for her. She's not hurting, suffering, or in fear anymore. She's with the King of Kings, and some day so will I. Until then, my heart is broken, and I am praying for God to fix it somehow. I'm a work in progress, I always will be. Someday, hopefully soon, things will get different, then they will get better.

I pray that all of you have a wonderful evening. I'm going to keep writing for now. It helps me somehow to tell you how I feel and where I am, or else how could anyone help me. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope!

Day 318

Thursday night and I feel better thank the Lord. I went back to the doctor this morning and they took chest xrays. I have pneumonia in both lungs. I never got over it when I was at the hospital with Beck. I knew I was sick, but not this sick. The doctor put me BACK on prednisone which is a steroid for a week. I'm also taking a very powerful antibiotic and I'm gargling with a solution for the blisters in the back of my throat and my voice box from the pneumonia. It's really showed up in my attitude, but I'm getting better now. I felt better the minute the medicine started kicking in, so much better that I mowed the lawn. I know that's crazy, but I was up all night, and I need to try and sleep tonight. 

I ran around today, visited with my wonderful Mother, and went to the cemetery to visit with Beck. I ordered her head stone first. It's a bronze head stone and it has her picture inscribed in it towards the middle. On the left top is the Brazilian Flag. To the right of her picture is a cross and a sunset. On the right is a picture of our family at our wedding. It has Her, Me, Autumn, Andrew, and Dillon, and on the top right is a picture of a butterfly. Her name is in the middle / bottom. Under that it says Nov. 12, 1964 - Oct. 3, 2012. Under the date on the bottom is Proverbs 31:10 " Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." It's going to be beautiful. Becka was a virtuous woman in every way, so that verse seemed to fit, but there are others that describe her and I can change it before they make it. They are going to send me a proof first. I left the office and went down to her grave. I sat there for a while and remembered the things we used to do together. I talked to her for a long time and I prayed for God to take this knot from my chest. I need to go there and visit, but it is almost too much for me when I'm alone. Every fiber of my being misses her and I can't see that stopping anytime soon. I have a lot to do right now so that my mind is occupied, but she's right there every step of the way. I'm glad she's not in the hospital suffering anymore. I know where she is. It's just that this world is much darker for me now, and I would do anything to hold her hand one more time. I may get past this, but not today, and surely not tomorrow. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. I'm heart broken and it's okay to feel this way. I'm not ashamed of being in love, even to someone who isn't here anymore. I keep waiting on someone to tell me "Get over it". I pray that doesn't happen. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and our time together is precious to me. I pray that everyone will some day find someone to love as much as I love Beck. Most times I still can't believe she's gone, and when it hits me, I cry from everywhere, not just my eyes. The grief comes through my soul and paralyzes me. I know that in time it will get better. The fact is I may not want it to I still have so much of her with me and I'm not ready to let go of it. I may never be. Only time will tell, so for now I'm going to lean hard on God, friends, and family. I need all of you in my life, and I pray that one day you will need me.

I took Autumn to Walmart shopping tonight. I've gained so much weight that my pants don't fit. I look like a butterball turkey. It's okay because I've heard that "Round is beautiful". Okay I made that up. This weight will come off as soon as I go back to taekwondo, which I plan on Monday if this Pneumonia is gone. 

Tomorrow is Autumn's birthday party, and then Saturday we are taking off out of town. I'll keep you informed and take lots of pics. Until then, Sweet Dreams and God Bless! 

Day 317

Wednesday night and all is well. It's been a good day believe it or not. Better than most have been that's for sure. I started off early as usual and got the kids ready and out the door. I give Andrew a ride every morning now. It gives us a chance to pray and talk. I pray for protection on him and his sister every day. They really are fabulous kids. Andrew is the spitting image of his real dad, yet Autumn looks just like her Mom. Every time I look at Autumn, I know that Beck will live on in her. She put her love in both of their hearts. Being their stepfather and loving them has been easy. They are Beck's legacy. I would like to think that I have played a big part in the building of their character. I'm glad that Andrew got to see how I treated his mother, and how she treated me. We really do have a special family, even though Beck is gone, she left enough of herself here with us so that we can remember. 

I took off early this morning to get some stuff done. I bought a new phone because mine was completely worn out. I went to two different Verizon stores, one of them twice, before I made up my mind on an Iphone. I've always loved my Ipod, so it should be easy to figure out. I picked Autumn up at school early, then took her to the DMV to get her driving permit. I was so proud of her! She passed the test with flying colors and I let her drive us home. She did fantastic and we made it safely! Then we came back here for a bit, and we all went to Ruby Tuesdays for supper. She's had a great birthday, and her party is Friday night. 

I think that things have finally caught up with me. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My entire body hurts and the pneumonia is making me mute. I'm going back to the doctor in the morning. I'm going to bed for now though. I love all of you!

Good night and God Bless!

Day 316

Tuesday night and it's been a difficult day. I'm listening to the debate and sitting on the back porch. I went back to work today because we had a meeting, but I'm taking the rest of the week off. I'm late writing this because my internet was down for a bit. It was very good to see my friends and coworkers today, but all day I had to hold everything in as best I could. I try to act like everything is okay in front of the kids. I don't want to put added pressure on them, but the fact is my heart is empty and I have a long way to go. I still can't believe she's gone. I guess I haven't completely accepted it. I know it hasn't been very long, and time will heal, but it seems only yesterday that we were going to beat this cancer. It hasn't even been a year since she was diagnosed. I walk through the house, stand in the kitchen, sit on the bed, and wonder why sometimes. I know there is no "why". It's just my mind messing with me, but it all seems like a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up to find her laying there beside of me again. To say that I miss her doesn't come close. I still feel her next to me at times. I look at pictures and her eyes follow me. I'm sorry but I'm not ready to let her go, even though I have no choice. 

It's become very apparent to me that I need to watch what I say or do. Everything has consequences, and I'm emotional all of the time. I know that Beck is in paradise and I will see her again. I guess I just had other plans for us. My life has been turned upside down and I don't have a clue which way to go. A good friend told me when I don't know what to do, then do nothing. Just do what is right in front of me and give it to God. Another said, "If you are going down the streets of life and come to a fork, take it. If it's the right way to go, I'll learn from it. If it's the wrong way to go, I'll learn from it." Who knows. I probably don't even make sense tonight. I've cried myself in to a headache, but tylenol is working. I start counseling at Hospice Monday. I think it will help me to deal with my feelings. I just miss her so much. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm not the first to lose a loved one. I guess people handle it different ways. I let it all out when I'm alone. I talk to her still, and I ask God to carry me through the day. All of my strength comes from him and my friends and family, and I thank God that I'm not alone in this, because many people have to deal with this by themselves. I know from experience that service work always has helped me, so I'm going to the Hospice home and see if I can visit people who don't normally get visits, or volunteer at the Cancer Center. When I first got sober, I went around with a group to local treatment centers to give hope and strength to people who were trying to stop drinking. I need to do that now so that I can get out of my head, but I also know that I have a long way to go in my grief. I just need to get through the day and on to the next one. Beck is gone for now, and eventually I'll have to accept the fact that she's never coming back. I'm glad that I don't have to do it all today. My heart can't take it. 

I had fun tonight with the kids though. I took them all to the mall and let Autumn pick out her birthday presents. I wasn't about to go shopping for a teenage girl so she would be disappointed. I let her pick out some shoes, pants, shirts, and other stuff. She's happy with it, plus I bought her a new phone. Tomorrow I'm taking everyone out to dinner for her birthday right after I take her to get her driving permit. Wish me luck, because I know she will want to drive from there. She's a very good driver, so I'll only take one Zantac! I'm looking very forward to this weekend. The kids and I are going out of town together. We are going to have fun! In the mean time, I'm going to rest for the next couple of days. Today was the first without steroids, so I should start feeling better. My voice still sounds like I've been chewing glass, but I don't need to talk anymore.

As I go back and read my first blog, I remember the feelings I had then, and compare them to now. We really did think we were going to beat it. She put up the fight of the century, and I'll never let anyone forget it. Becka will be remembered forever, of that I'm sure. If I had to do it all over again, there is no doubt that I would. She was worth all of it to me and a thousand times more. She still has my heart. I guess that's why my chest is so hollow all of the time now. God will heal me in time. He still has plans for me. I just need to seek him and find out what they are. 

Going to bed. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 315 - Home

I have a confession. I love it when I'm attacked by four dogs and they eat my face. That's what happened when I got home today. I miss my dogs when I'm not here. I'm home from a fantastic trip. I have no complaints. It was something I needed to do, and now I'm home. I woke this morning at five thirty, ate a small continental breakfast down stairs, drank a pot of coffee, then hit the road. It was an incredible experience. Arlington National Cemetery did me in emotionally, but today coming home on the plane was the kicker. I got stuck in traffic and thought I might miss my plane, but I prayed my way through it and got there just as they were boarding. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day because I was running to my next flight. When I got on the plane at Washington's IAD, my seat was the very last at the tail section. I sat beside of a Pilot from Delta who I guess was getting a free ride. We didn't talk much at first, but my hands were shaking from fear and exhaustion, and when I pulled Beck's bible out to read a little, her picture fell out. That was all it took. I wept uncontrollably for a while, staring out the window of the plane. I tried to amuse myself by thinking that the Pilot beside of me probably said to himself, "Oh great, this guys pulls out a bible, is shaking all over, and crying. We are all dead."I thought that he would probably think I was crazy, but he couldn't move. Every seat was taken. I stared out the window then down at the bible and her picture, and I couldn't stop crying. I miss her so badly all of the time. When I finally pulled myself together, I opened the bible to whatever God wanted me to read, and there was Johah. God was saying, "You know things could always be worse." She was the only thing missing on my trip, but I needed to get away and be able to think. Finally the Pilot asked me those three words, "Are you okay"? I thought about coming up with something witty to scare him. We were at twenty thousand feet at the time. What's he going to do? But I told him about Becka and he listened intently. I could see his eyes misting up when I told him about Autumn and Andrew, and how brave they had been through it all. His heart told me that he cared. His name is Frank and he works for Delta. The man listened to everything I said, then he crippled me with his first question. He asked, "You really loved her, didn't you"? I couldn't talk. I just shook my head, kind of like right now. I'm glad I don't have to talk to type, and I'm glad that my voice is gone from the pneumonia so that no one can tell the difference. Frank said the only thing he knew to say at that point. He said, "You know you will see her again". That made me smile inside and God turned the lights back on. I do know that I will see all of my family and friends who have gone on in Christ, and that makes it okay sometimes, but for now I just need to feel what I feel and not worry about who is watching me cry. 

I flew to Laguardia Airport in NYC and went through security so that I could smoke a cigarette. Yes I still smoke and please don't go there. Remember the movie "Airplane"? "I guess I picked the wrong day to stop smoking". I tell everyone who says something about smoking the truth, that if Becka had been a smoker, she would be alive today. Only non smokers get Adenocarcenoma. The Nicotine and the carcinogenics in cigarettes kill that type of cancer. Ironic huh? I will quit smoking one day soon, but not today. I have enough on my plate for four people. I came back in through security and got pulled out of line. They took me over and searched me thoroughly, and when I asked if it was random, they said no, that the scanner picked up something in my bag. Turns out they were looking at my electronic placebo cigarette. It blows water vapor instead of smoke. I'm using it to cut down until I quit. They were fine with it, but the TSA machine picked up gunpowder on my camera case which prompted an entire search of all my bags. It didn't bother me because I know that they are doing their jobs, and doing them well. I explained that I had just taken my stepson Andrew shooting a couple of weekends ago, and I was taking pictures. It made sense to them, so they let me go with a smile and I barely made my plane to Greensboro NC. That plane ride was fun. It was a very small plane and only twenty people were aboard. We had to walk down on the tarmac and take a bus over to board. I sat in a window seat again by myself, and I slept almost the entire flight, but I got some good pictures of NYC. The sky was gorgeous and it felt so good to get back to NC. I left the airport and went to pick up the kids from their Dad, then we came home and unloaded. Autumn and I ran back up to CVS Pharmacy to print some pictures and grab supper from Wendy's. Diet starts in the morning. I ate a Baconater and fries with a chocolate Frosty shake. 

So now I'm home and unloaded. I'm totally exhausted and I don't seem to be getting any better from the pneumonia. I have no wind and can't talk. I'm working tomorrow though. It's my first day back and we are having a company meeting. 

My trip to DC opened doors in my heart and mind. I was so clouded with grief and frustration before I left, but I look back and God surrounded me with people to protect and console me the entire time I was there. I only told two people about Becka. The lady who sat beside me on the way up, and the man who sat beside of me on the way back. Both were Christians, and both helped me when I needed it. The rest of the time I told no one. I didn't want sympathy or consolation. I only wanted to be alone with God, and I was, even though people reached out to me everywhere. I traded taking pictures with people so that I could get in a couple of shots, then I would take theirs with their camera. I ate alone, drove alone, and walked alone. I went where I wanted to and saw practically everything. I was able to pay homage to the fallen at Arlington and truly understand what honor is about. I was in awe of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, and the WWII monument took my breath. I placed a "For Sale" sign at the White House. (Just kidding. I had to sneak that in). That house is ENORMOUS. It did my heart good. The most powerful man in the world deserves a house like that. The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum was one of my favorites. I actually got to see the Apollo Moon Lander, as well as a nuclear missile. Then the game was the kicker. The Redskins routed the Vikings, and I had a blast with about ten other Redskin fans who BEGGED me to come to their party, but I went back to my pillow topped King Sized Mattress. God knew exactly what I needed. I built a little shrine to Beck beside of the bed when I got there. I cried every time I looked at it. There wasn't a second that went by when I didn't miss her, but I had dear friends reach out to me and they made things right. I couldn't do this alone, no way. I would sit in my misery until I couldn't take it anymore, then probably pursue a path of destruction for myself, but the pain is slowly subsiding and I've had some wonderful moments of late. Becka is in Heaven, and I will be too some day. Right now I need to worry about me and get back in shape. That is a must. There is still love in the world for me. I was so in to Becka for the last year that I didn't see it, but it's all around me. I have family and friends that love me, and my dogs think I hung the moon. One day at a time, I will go through this and realize that I hadn't cried all day. It will happen, just not right now. I miss her, so bad. I can't put it in words. My soul screams out for her sometimes. I have no control over it. I just have to feel it and remember better times. If I can just remember her laugh, I will always be able to smile.

Going to bed and to sleep hopefully. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 314 The Museum and the Game

It's Sunday night and my voyage is almost over. I can tell you that this has been a spectacular trip and day. I've been so many places, seen so many things, and learned quite a bit about myself. First let me say that this entire trip has been God filled. He has directed me and protected me every step of the way, even from myself. I can't go in to detail about that. Let me just say that I'm not as old and beaten down as I thought I was. Today I got up early and took off for DC. I went to The Jefferson Memorial, then the back of the Capitol Building. I had a hot dog from a vendor, then went to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. It was absolutely amazing. I didn't know that Apollo Modules were there, as well as real cruise missles. I had one problem though and it was my only setback of the trip. I woke with a bit of a sinus headache this morning and couldn't get rid of it, so after the museum, I came back to the room to relax and I took another steroid. I had a couple left over but I was supposed to be off of them today. It took my headache right away. The lack of one in my body probably contributed to the headache. Anyway, I took a short nap, then went to the greatest football game in the world. The Skins won in big fashion, and I met some fantastic people! Skins fans are a family!

 I'm not taking anymore steroids no matter what. They have blown me up to three times my size and I hate it. I've never looked this heavy. I start taking care of that tomorrow. I'm drinking nothing but water, I'm eating healthy, and working out every day on the treadmill and taekwondo. The weight will fall off, I know this from experience. Most of it is from the medicine, so it will go quickly. I'm not vane, I just want to feel better, and I do when I weigh 175 rather than the 206 I weigh. That brings me to the things I learned about myself while here.

Number one, I'm not in good physical shape. I haven't been taking care of myself, but that all ends tomorrow.

Number two, I can be completely happy and serene again. All I have to do is reach out to God and let him direct my day and my thoughts. He kept me busy, and it was just what I needed.

And number three, I'll never do this again. This trip had a purpose, and that purpose is fulfilled. I miss Becka every second of every day, and she was here with me in my heart. Her love surrounded me and I could hear her voice at certain times. She was my soul mate, my angel. The only woman I've ever truly loved, and that's not because I haven't been in relationships with wonderful women. It was because I didn't know how to love until God taught me through Becka. I hear the word "Love" thrown around and I remember when I used to use it to get what I wanted. I'm so ashamed of the way I acted in the past, especially when it came to the opposite sex. I never treated women as equals, hardly ever looked them in the eyes. All I cared about was myself, but then God put me with Becka, I cared more deeply for her than I ever have anyone in my life. Our souls seemed to intertwine, and when she got sick, it seemed I loved her more every day. She regressed in front of my eyes. The deep, intimate, physical relationship we had started to go away, and became something else entirely. I became her caretaker and her friend, but at the same time, when I kissed her and looked in to her eyes at night, I was still her husband. I was still the man who said "Yes", and she was still the woman that chose me. We locked our souls around each other, and when she left me, I was hollow and incomplete. I had neither the wife who couldn't walk by me without reaching for my hand, nor the scared angel who would search desperately in to my eyes for answers that I couldn't give her, but even though I couldn't fix her, she was okay with the fact that I was there, right in front of her, and I wasn't going anywhere. I know where Becka is, and who she is with. I watched him come and take her away. I will mourn her loss for the rest of my life in some way or another, but as I spent this weekend watching families and lovers, I realize that one thing she said to me before she died will come true some day if God wants it to. She told me she wanted me to carry on and remarry some day. I assured her at the time that it was never going to happen, and there was only one of her. Becka was much smarter than I am. She could see the future and remember the past. She knew that one day the love that God gave me through her would have to be shared. If I keep it to myself, it's no earthly good. But for now, I have some "Randy" rebuilding to do. I need to find out who I am, and what I can bring to the table. I have people to help that helped me, kids to take care of, dogs to feed, and a job to do. I still have a life, a wonderful beautiful life, and this weekend reminded me of that. God really is remarkable to me when I reach out and say, "Please help me". Becka still has my heart, and I don't know how I will feel in the future, but I'm not going to worry about it. Life is one day at a time, controlled by God, not me. If there is love out there for me again, it's up to him, because I'm not looking for it. I didn't look for Becka. God did that, and I trust his judgement. I still have the "year" plan in place. I think it's a good idea, but again, that's up to him.

I need to go straight to sleep now. I'm flying out in the morning and I have to get up early to make the plane. God Bless each and every one of you. I love you guys and gals, and I appreciate all of the support about this trip. It has changed me, just as Becka did, in a good way. God is protecting me right now. I met some people at the game, and there is a HUGE party going on downstairs. This entire town is a party tonight since the Skins won, and though the idea is very inviting to go downstairs, I'm staying right where I am, in this huge bed! When I get back, I'm buying some new mattresses, no doubt!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!