I left there and had breakfast with a dear friend, then went to another appointment in Clemmons. I tried to get as much done as possible today, because I don't need to take any more work off. They have been so good to me, and it's time for me to pay them back by being a model employee. It's all about gratitude, and I'm extremely grateful for my job. I left there and came back to the house, then went and picked up Andrew. We went by McDonalds and got him some lunch, then I took him to the doctor for his headaches. The doctor checked him thoroughly and said it was probably a combination of stress and poor eyesight, but if the headaches don't stop, they will do a CT Scan. We left there, came by the house, then went to the eye doctor. It turns out that he has 2200 / 2200 vision. I'm surprised the young man can see at all! I got his prescription and we went to Lenscrafters so that he could pick out some frames. He picked out some Ray Bans with a blue frame. They really show off his eyes. He looks great in them, and he read street signs all the way to Burlington, where I met their Dad and dropped them off for the weekend, and now I'm here. The dogs are very happy to see me and won't leave me alone. I'm glad because I don't want to be alone. It will be fine though. I'm going to watch TV then go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to rearrange the entire house including the bedroom. Change is good sometimes! I took my last steroid this morning. I'm not taking them anymore for a long time even if I get sick again. I look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy.
As I was driving tonight, a song came on the radio and it tortured me. The song "Patience" by Guns and Roses played, and I remember Beck, dancing with me in the living room and singing it in my ear. I'm haunted by her voice and the lyrics of the song, "I need you this time". It occurred to me that although we loved each other, we needed each other too, and that's big. It's what made our marriage stay together in tough times. I can love someone, but if I don't need them, then I can do without them, and I couldn't do without Becka. I didn't just want her, I needed her to be here when I got home. I needed her to tell me she loved me. I needed her to reach for me and to look at me from across the room. Those were things I couldn't do without. I needed her as much as I needed food and water to survive, and now that she's gone, I need to accept that she's not coming back, and learn how to breath in the process.
I have so much on my mind right now, and sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air, but no matter what I'm dealing with at the time, she is always there in my mind. I see her with her pants legs rolled up, standing in the river, panning for emeralds at the mine we went to several times. She would throw her hair back and smile and say, "Baby I found one"! I see her feeding a water buffalo and giggling at the drive thru zoo we went to. I see her on our honeymoon feeding the seagulls from her hand on the beach and loving every minute of it. I see her holding my Brother's or Fern's newborn baby and the love pouring out. I see Beck everywhere. We had a great life together, and now that it's over, I'm lost without her. She was and is so precious to me. She made this dark world seem brighter, and she made me feel like a man when she touched me and called me her own. I need my memories like I needed her. They remind me of the wonderful marriage we had, and we did have a fantastic marriage. Right now she's floating through the streets of gold, and I would sell everything I have for one more minute with her. I'm still heartbroken, and I will be for a long time. God will carry me through this, He works through all of you, and I'm grateful for it. I just want to stop hurting, or know that I will one day. I don't see it right now, but it will come.
I'm going to try and get some sleep. My eyes are heavy. Have a Blessed weekend. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
