Thursday night and I feel better thank the Lord. I went back to the doctor this morning and they took chest xrays. I have pneumonia in both lungs. I never got over it when I was at the hospital with Beck. I knew I was sick, but not this sick. The doctor put me BACK on prednisone which is a steroid for a week. I'm also taking a very powerful antibiotic and I'm gargling with a solution for the blisters in the back of my throat and my voice box from the pneumonia. It's really showed up in my attitude, but I'm getting better now. I felt better the minute the medicine started kicking in, so much better that I mowed the lawn. I know that's crazy, but I was up all night, and I need to try and sleep tonight.
I ran around today, visited with my wonderful Mother, and went to the cemetery to visit with Beck. I ordered her head stone first. It's a bronze head stone and it has her picture inscribed in it towards the middle. On the left top is the Brazilian Flag. To the right of her picture is a cross and a sunset. On the right is a picture of our family at our wedding. It has Her, Me, Autumn, Andrew, and Dillon, and on the top right is a picture of a butterfly. Her name is in the middle / bottom. Under that it says Nov. 12, 1964 - Oct. 3, 2012. Under the date on the bottom is Proverbs 31:10 " Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." It's going to be beautiful. Becka was a virtuous woman in every way, so that verse seemed to fit, but there are others that describe her and I can change it before they make it. They are going to send me a proof first. I left the office and went down to her grave. I sat there for a while and remembered the things we used to do together. I talked to her for a long time and I prayed for God to take this knot from my chest. I need to go there and visit, but it is almost too much for me when I'm alone. Every fiber of my being misses her and I can't see that stopping anytime soon. I have a lot to do right now so that my mind is occupied, but she's right there every step of the way. I'm glad she's not in the hospital suffering anymore. I know where she is. It's just that this world is much darker for me now, and I would do anything to hold her hand one more time. I may get past this, but not today, and surely not tomorrow. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. I'm heart broken and it's okay to feel this way. I'm not ashamed of being in love, even to someone who isn't here anymore. I keep waiting on someone to tell me "Get over it". I pray that doesn't happen. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and our time together is precious to me. I pray that everyone will some day find someone to love as much as I love Beck. Most times I still can't believe she's gone, and when it hits me, I cry from everywhere, not just my eyes. The grief comes through my soul and paralyzes me. I know that in time it will get better. The fact is I may not want it to I still have so much of her with me and I'm not ready to let go of it. I may never be. Only time will tell, so for now I'm going to lean hard on God, friends, and family. I need all of you in my life, and I pray that one day you will need me.
I took Autumn to Walmart shopping tonight. I've gained so much weight that my pants don't fit. I look like a butterball turkey. It's okay because I've heard that "Round is beautiful". Okay I made that up. This weight will come off as soon as I go back to taekwondo, which I plan on Monday if this Pneumonia is gone.
Tomorrow is Autumn's birthday party, and then Saturday we are taking off out of town. I'll keep you informed and take lots of pics. Until then, Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
