Tuesday night and Beck's Mom and I just got back from walking at the mall for a while. She wore me out. Never power walk with Mom unless you eat your Wheaties. It helped me though because I've needed to exercise so much. I have a chest cold down deep and I've just about lost my voice, which some would say is a good thing. We had a good day today. Everyone is gone except for Mom now. I put Gina on a plane this afternoon, and Andrew left early this morning. The house is empty except for us, and it's going to be okay. All day long I felt Beck beside of me though. I can still hear her and she left such an impression on my life that I don't know if a day will go by where I will ever not look for her at some point. I'm so grateful for family to carry me through this. Autumn is a small version of her mother incarnate. She has her wits, beauty, grace, intelligence, and charisma. We sat at the table tonight for a couple of hours doing homework with her. Not that I can do her math homework mind you, but Mom and I were able to help with the History part. For now it's all about them. I think it's finally hitting both of them that she's not coming home, so they look to me and know I'm not going anywhere. I can see it in their eyes, and I make this solemn vow to give my life for theirs. The don't deserve any more pain, although it's inevitable. Losing their Mother isn't something they are going to get over any time soon, maybe never completely. I know I won't, but it's my job to make sure they have what they need to walk through to the other side. When I married Beck, I married them too, and they both know that. I've been sort of "self absorbed" lately, and I will be in the future, but making sure they are okay takes me away from my pain and keeps Beck alive for now. She lives on in them forever, because they are her legacy. This weekend they are going to their Dad's to have fun and hopefully try to forget about what has been going on. I'll be back on Monday to start somewhat of a normal life, but I'm not going back to work until the following Monday. Next weekend I'm taking them somewhere they both want to go, but I can't say where or they might find out. In the mean time, they are going to get counseling through Hospice and our church. They are both blessed to have friends who care and are reaching out. I heard them laughing on my bed last night, and they were sitting together eating snacks watching TV, just being normal kids. I can tell you that their laughter is contagious and heart warming. This house has had many laughs heard out of it over the years, but not lately, so it was awesome! Andrew has his Taekwondo school to pick him up. He's become quite the celebrity there. They made him a Junior Instructor way before all of this happened. The younger kids look up to him, and the older kids respect him. He has found his calling. Autumn is a very special teenage girl who can text a million words a minute without ever looking at her phone. I'm hiring a math tutor to help her catch up after being gone through all that's happened. They will be just fine in the end. I'll never let them forget how much God loves them or how much their Mom and Stepdad love them.
I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing this. It helps me get through the day by letting you know where I am so that you can pray for me, because I need all I can get. I have a full day tomorrow so I'm going to bed in a few. I have a meeting with Autumn's guidance counselor tomorrow about her driving permit. Just thinking about that puts a knot in my throat, but she's a great driver. She should be, I taught her! It's the other drivers I worry about. I took her driving not too long ago in her favorite car that she wants which is a Cooper Mini. That was a good day for her, and now that the salesman told her all about the car, she can tell all of you! Andrew wants an F-150 just like the one I used to have. What a guy! If he wants a Ford Truck, then a Ford Truck he shall get! Great minds think alike!
I feel good tonight. That changes with the hour and I break down, but it's okay. I miss her every second now. The longing in my heart never goes away completely but God is working on it. One day I will wake up and not cry first thing because she's not here, but not today. One day.
Good Night and God Bless. I have four appointments tomorrow that I can't miss. Life is changing, hopefully for the better. Sweet Dreams!
