Thursday night and it's getting colder. Winter is coming. It's been a very busy day, but the days seem to fly by now. Everything is a blur, except for first thing in the morning. It's ironic that "Morning" and "Mourning" sound the same, because they go together. I come outside every morning and watch the sun come up on my back porch, and it tears my heart in two. Beck and I used to watch the sun come over our neighbor's house and drink our coffee. She loved the hummingbirds. It took me a while to get hummingbirds to come to the yard. I put up the feeders and kept red ribbon tied along the top of the fence until we had one hummingbird every day, then there were three. She loved them. She would wear a red shirt and they would fly up to her to check her out. Now in the morning, she's not here, the hummingbirds are gone, and the feeder is empty. I'm not filling it again this year. I don't want them to come back without her here. I can't tell you why. I just don't right now. I see squirrels come in the yard and they remind me of how hard she worked to keep them out of the regular bird feeders. We have two Daisy BB guns by the back door.
This is going to be harder than anything I've ever gone through. I can't do it by myself. Everything reminds me of her. I thought about grilling corn on the grill outside, and I remember how much she loved it. She would always eat two ears. I knew her so well and she knew me. Sometimes we would sit across the room and just stare at each other, and we both knew what the other was thinking. I know that there are those who would say, "Man up. She's gone. Accept it. Life goes on". I feel sorry for those who would think that. They have never felt the love of another like I was blessed with. I know that many have loved and lost. I haven't until now. This was my first true love. I've cared for others, but I've only loved once. I'll never throw that word around. If I tell you I love you, I mean it. It's in my heart and Becka taught me how to recognize it. Love is the most powerful emotion of all. It builds people up and it cripples them beyond repair. Love dominated me and made me cling to Becka, all the while knowing that she was going away. When she was first diagnosed in November of last year, I knew she was a stage "4". I told her she was stage "2", thinking that she would fight harder, but later she found out the truth and wasn't mad at me. She understood why I lied. With everything I read at the time, and everyone I talked to who knew what they were talking about, I knew she had about a year with treatment. I refused to accept that, and never gave her a time frame in my mind. The thought of living life without her was too painful, so I blocked it out and did what I could to enrich her life and try to get her well. Ultimately, I came to realize that the cancer was going to win. I watched it take her away piece by piece. It was the equivalent of watching someone being tortured to death, but all the way through it, she was a warrior. She never complained. Her head was blistered from the radiation and her hair died, so the weight of it caused severe pain, but she never complained. Instead she just said, "Baby, you need to cut my hair". I was sure to stand behind her so that she couldn't see me cry when I cut it off, and the next night I shaved it with a straight razor. I went from stroking her hair to sleep, to rubbing her head to sleep. I loved both, because I love her. The radiation and cancer caused seizures, and she would start shaking and pass out, but she never complained. Instead she would say, "Baby, don't let me fall", and I never did. A couple of times we had to go to the ground gently, but I made sure she didn't hit the floor. Then I picked her up, told her I loved her, and acted like nothing was wrong. When her hands, feet, and face swelled from the massive steroids that were keeping her brain from swelling, she never complained. Instead I bought her some bigger tennis shoes. When I tied her leg to mine with robe ties in bed so that I would know if she was going to try and sleep walk, she never complained. She just put her feet on mine and acted like it was a game, and when she couldn't use her hands anymore to take care of herself, she never complained. Instead she just said, "Baby, please don't leave me alone", and I never did.
I don't know when I'll stop crying, maybe never. I don't know when I'll be able to watch a sunrise and not break down until mid morning, but I have faith that one day I will. Today I had to go to the funeral home to pick up the "Death Certificates". I called my friend Laurie on the way. I needed to hear a friendly voice, and she picked me up. She always does, as do all of my friends. I really am blessed in that regard. While I was at the funeral home, they handed me an envelope. In it was the string bracelet that Becka wore for a long time. She wore it every day and night because it was tied around her wrist. I didn't know that they took it off of her, but it's mine now. It's going everywhere with me. I brought it home and showed it to her Mom. We had a good cry together, if there is such a thing. There are many parts of Becka that stayed with me. She left her love and compassion for others, her desire to live life to it's fullest, and the dream for the kids to have a better life than we did. I will keep all of that alive to the best of my ability. Right now I'm just doing what is right in front of me. Tomorrow I'm going out of town where no one knows me, and for a couple of days it will be just God, Her, and Me.
I think it will do me good. I'll write from there and post pics of the Nation's Capitol. Until then, I'm here alone in my heart, wishing on something that isn't going to ever happen again. Life will get different, then it will get better. For now, it's just life on life's terms, and I have to go through this. Please keep walking with me. I need all of you now more than ever.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
