I carry Beck wherever I go and I talk about he all day long. I carry a laminated copy of her Obituary in my pocket to show people. They all say the same thing, "She was beautiful". I always agree. Beck was stunningly gorgeous to me, even when she was bald and sick. Her smile made her the most precious thing on Earth, and her little "giggle laugh" was contagious. She would be so proud of Autumn and Andrew. Autumn asked me last night if she could have a guest over after school, (a boy). A male child in my house to see her. My heart twisted in my chest, but I said okay. She said he was a friend and that's fine. His Mother dropped him off, and it turned out he is a great kid. (Trust me, I haven't forgotten that he's a male child no matter how great he is). I had to trust her and she's never given me any reason not to. I laid out the ground rules, like the fact that while he is here, we don't have an upstairs. The stairs don't exist. All we have is a living room and a kitchen. Dillon was here as well, so I made some baked spaghetti. They all chowed down. When it came time for him to leave, his Dad picked him up, so I went outside to meet him. Turns out his Dad is a friend of mine and Beck, and is our Bank Manager. It's a very small world. He said he didn't put two and two together when his son told him about Autumn losing her mother to cancer. He notarized many documents for us over the last six months and he knew Beck well. God knows exactly what he is doing! Autumn got her learner's permit in the mail today. She showed it to me and I made over it! It's a big deal! She even smiled for the picture!
I really do love my life, but I wish Beck was here so much. I know she is watching over us, but the kids miss her. The dogs do as well and they are still chewing the hair off of their rears. Especially Angel. I don't know what to do except take her to the vet and put her on sedatives. That would work for me as well. The doctor gave me an antidepressant the other day, but I'm not going to take it. I want to feel my feelings and sort them out, walk through this pain to the other side, and be a better man for it. Beck will always be with me. She left an imprint on me that nothing can take off. The love we shared was what I had looked for my whole life. God brought us together, then he took her. I don't try to understand it anymore. I'm just trying to get through the day most of the time, but something always reminds me of her, and the feeling of loss crushes my stomach and makes me a blubbering idiot. I can't function when I think of her sometimes. I can't believe she's gone forever. I went back and looked at my blog, the early days, and I remember the fear and desperation we both had at times, but our faith in God saw past that and made things okay. I just miss her terribly, and I will for a long time to come. I miss the way she called me "Baby". I miss her hand on my face when she kissed me, the smell of her hair and the way it felt when she laid her head on my chest at night. The way she said, "I love you". My best memory of Beck was when she walked down the aisle and faced me, and I could see her beautiful eyes through the veil. I knew then and I know now, I would have done anything for her. It was a fairy tale worthy of Disney. I wonder if I will ever have that again. I'm jealous of couples these days, and I shouldn't be. I just feel like all of the love in my life has been taken away. I know people love me. I'm talking about the intimacy and passion of a relationship like we had. It was so unique to me. That part of me still belongs to Beck, but I want it so. I pray some day I can have it again, but if not, I treasure the time that I did have. Nothing can take that away.
I'm going to wrap up and go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I'm going out to breakfast with a friend in the morning, and then to a couple of appointments, then I'm picking up Andrew early and taking him to the doctor, then the eye doctor, and finally I'm meeting the kid's Dad tomorrow night to drop them off for the weekend. Like I said, long day. I pray that all of you have peace in your hearts. Life is too short not to.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
