Day 305

Friday night I think. This day has absolutely flown by and it's like a dream. My mind is buzzing around, probably from the five cups of coffee I just drank at IHOP. I just got home and settled down for a few. There are I think thirteen people in the house, most of them have gone to bed. We have air mattresses everywhere! I absolutely love it. You could call us "Team Beck". So many people showed up today for the viewing and more are coming in the morning for the funeral. I've grieved some today, but God kept me too busy to notice much. I ran from here to there all day long. Gina was with me for most of the day. Everything went the way God wanted it to. My Aunt and our friend Lisa fixed Becka's makeup and put a beautiful wig on her. She wore a beautiful purple shirt and jean shorts, and we had her jewelry on. The kids made a poster with all kinds of pictures and there were personal items all over the room which told the story of Beck's life. Everyone played a part. Everyone did their very best, and it was beautiful in every way. This family is remarkable. There are so many things that went on during the day, I could go on and on, but my brain is on override right now, so I will tell you later. Dear friends and family are all around me. I'm so very blessed. They aren't going to let me walk this alone, and I never want to. 

I didn't want to go to the funeral home today. All day, the thought of seeing her in the coffin turned my stomach in to steel and made me shake, but when I got there it was okay, because it wasn't her in there. I remembered clearly that I saw her leave with my own eyes. God carried me through everything I needed to do. He was with me all night and still is now. It wasn't Becka at all in the coffin. It was the shell she left behind. Her beautiful soul is in Heaven tonight and she's euphoric. We had pictures on the back of the coffin, and they looked nothing like what was there. I touched her face for the last time, and rubbed her arm and hand. It was my final goodbye. Tomorrow they will put her body in the ground and place a marker on the spot. I'm having a stone made that tells her story. Different pictures will be etched in to a bronze plaque so that anyone visiting will know who she was. It doesn't matter if they mark it or not. I will be telling her story for the rest of my life, witnessing to the miracle I saw and the journey I went through with her. As long as I tell whoever will listen about that journey, it will never end. She will go on forever here like she is in Heaven, and she was worth that effort in every way. I wish you could have seen the flowers that were at the funeral home. She would have been ecstatic! 

I need to go to bed, or actually to the couch. It's my new bed. I'll never be able to sleep in our bed again I don't think, but it's okay. I'm taking baby steps to the life God wants for me now, because I have no idea where it's going at this point. I do know that everyone who is around me will be a part of it. They are all so special and the love I feel for them isn't something I can express in words. They made tonight all about her, and it was perfect. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that it doesn't start the way this one did. I woke crying, then calmed myself, and went to fix a cup of coffee. I automatically got two cups out of the cabinet. This is going to be a long process of learning how to live again in a different way. Even though I have so many people around me now, eventually they will all go home, and I'll be alone with my own thoughts. I have lawyers to take care of business for me so that I don't have to worry about so much, and friends who can help me, but she will be gone, and until God restores me, I will be incomplete. I have faith in him that has led me this far. He won't turn his back on me now. All will be well some day.

There may be troubled waters coming. No matter how blessed we are, the enemy wants to divide and conquer, but thanks to the wisdom of my beautiful wife in Heaven, I don't have to worry about that either. Some things are worth fighting for, and if I have God on my side, (and an army of his people), which I do, then I don't have to fight alone, but for now, that's not an issue. If a fight comes, we are more than ready because of Beck. She was so smart. Right now though, I'm only concentrating on what is right in front of me. One day at a time. God will give me what I need, and whatever comes down, I will accept as his infinite plan for me. Becka put things in place that only she could have come up with. She had the gift of foresight. She played the tape all the way through to the end, and I'm learning to do that myself. I do know that we will be moving in the future. I can't stay here because there is too much pain for me in every room. She's everywhere, and I don't want to ever forget, but reliving it is different. We need a new start, and that's what we are going to do. 

I said a while back that I was going to bed. I told you, my mind is racing, but I need to now. Sweet Dreams and God Bless. See you tomorrow if that is his plan!