Day 315 - Home

I have a confession. I love it when I'm attacked by four dogs and they eat my face. That's what happened when I got home today. I miss my dogs when I'm not here. I'm home from a fantastic trip. I have no complaints. It was something I needed to do, and now I'm home. I woke this morning at five thirty, ate a small continental breakfast down stairs, drank a pot of coffee, then hit the road. It was an incredible experience. Arlington National Cemetery did me in emotionally, but today coming home on the plane was the kicker. I got stuck in traffic and thought I might miss my plane, but I prayed my way through it and got there just as they were boarding. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day because I was running to my next flight. When I got on the plane at Washington's IAD, my seat was the very last at the tail section. I sat beside of a Pilot from Delta who I guess was getting a free ride. We didn't talk much at first, but my hands were shaking from fear and exhaustion, and when I pulled Beck's bible out to read a little, her picture fell out. That was all it took. I wept uncontrollably for a while, staring out the window of the plane. I tried to amuse myself by thinking that the Pilot beside of me probably said to himself, "Oh great, this guys pulls out a bible, is shaking all over, and crying. We are all dead."I thought that he would probably think I was crazy, but he couldn't move. Every seat was taken. I stared out the window then down at the bible and her picture, and I couldn't stop crying. I miss her so badly all of the time. When I finally pulled myself together, I opened the bible to whatever God wanted me to read, and there was Johah. God was saying, "You know things could always be worse." She was the only thing missing on my trip, but I needed to get away and be able to think. Finally the Pilot asked me those three words, "Are you okay"? I thought about coming up with something witty to scare him. We were at twenty thousand feet at the time. What's he going to do? But I told him about Becka and he listened intently. I could see his eyes misting up when I told him about Autumn and Andrew, and how brave they had been through it all. His heart told me that he cared. His name is Frank and he works for Delta. The man listened to everything I said, then he crippled me with his first question. He asked, "You really loved her, didn't you"? I couldn't talk. I just shook my head, kind of like right now. I'm glad I don't have to talk to type, and I'm glad that my voice is gone from the pneumonia so that no one can tell the difference. Frank said the only thing he knew to say at that point. He said, "You know you will see her again". That made me smile inside and God turned the lights back on. I do know that I will see all of my family and friends who have gone on in Christ, and that makes it okay sometimes, but for now I just need to feel what I feel and not worry about who is watching me cry. 

I flew to Laguardia Airport in NYC and went through security so that I could smoke a cigarette. Yes I still smoke and please don't go there. Remember the movie "Airplane"? "I guess I picked the wrong day to stop smoking". I tell everyone who says something about smoking the truth, that if Becka had been a smoker, she would be alive today. Only non smokers get Adenocarcenoma. The Nicotine and the carcinogenics in cigarettes kill that type of cancer. Ironic huh? I will quit smoking one day soon, but not today. I have enough on my plate for four people. I came back in through security and got pulled out of line. They took me over and searched me thoroughly, and when I asked if it was random, they said no, that the scanner picked up something in my bag. Turns out they were looking at my electronic placebo cigarette. It blows water vapor instead of smoke. I'm using it to cut down until I quit. They were fine with it, but the TSA machine picked up gunpowder on my camera case which prompted an entire search of all my bags. It didn't bother me because I know that they are doing their jobs, and doing them well. I explained that I had just taken my stepson Andrew shooting a couple of weekends ago, and I was taking pictures. It made sense to them, so they let me go with a smile and I barely made my plane to Greensboro NC. That plane ride was fun. It was a very small plane and only twenty people were aboard. We had to walk down on the tarmac and take a bus over to board. I sat in a window seat again by myself, and I slept almost the entire flight, but I got some good pictures of NYC. The sky was gorgeous and it felt so good to get back to NC. I left the airport and went to pick up the kids from their Dad, then we came home and unloaded. Autumn and I ran back up to CVS Pharmacy to print some pictures and grab supper from Wendy's. Diet starts in the morning. I ate a Baconater and fries with a chocolate Frosty shake. 

So now I'm home and unloaded. I'm totally exhausted and I don't seem to be getting any better from the pneumonia. I have no wind and can't talk. I'm working tomorrow though. It's my first day back and we are having a company meeting. 

My trip to DC opened doors in my heart and mind. I was so clouded with grief and frustration before I left, but I look back and God surrounded me with people to protect and console me the entire time I was there. I only told two people about Becka. The lady who sat beside me on the way up, and the man who sat beside of me on the way back. Both were Christians, and both helped me when I needed it. The rest of the time I told no one. I didn't want sympathy or consolation. I only wanted to be alone with God, and I was, even though people reached out to me everywhere. I traded taking pictures with people so that I could get in a couple of shots, then I would take theirs with their camera. I ate alone, drove alone, and walked alone. I went where I wanted to and saw practically everything. I was able to pay homage to the fallen at Arlington and truly understand what honor is about. I was in awe of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, and the WWII monument took my breath. I placed a "For Sale" sign at the White House. (Just kidding. I had to sneak that in). That house is ENORMOUS. It did my heart good. The most powerful man in the world deserves a house like that. The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum was one of my favorites. I actually got to see the Apollo Moon Lander, as well as a nuclear missile. Then the game was the kicker. The Redskins routed the Vikings, and I had a blast with about ten other Redskin fans who BEGGED me to come to their party, but I went back to my pillow topped King Sized Mattress. God knew exactly what I needed. I built a little shrine to Beck beside of the bed when I got there. I cried every time I looked at it. There wasn't a second that went by when I didn't miss her, but I had dear friends reach out to me and they made things right. I couldn't do this alone, no way. I would sit in my misery until I couldn't take it anymore, then probably pursue a path of destruction for myself, but the pain is slowly subsiding and I've had some wonderful moments of late. Becka is in Heaven, and I will be too some day. Right now I need to worry about me and get back in shape. That is a must. There is still love in the world for me. I was so in to Becka for the last year that I didn't see it, but it's all around me. I have family and friends that love me, and my dogs think I hung the moon. One day at a time, I will go through this and realize that I hadn't cried all day. It will happen, just not right now. I miss her, so bad. I can't put it in words. My soul screams out for her sometimes. I have no control over it. I just have to feel it and remember better times. If I can just remember her laugh, I will always be able to smile.

Going to bed and to sleep hopefully. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!