I dropped Andrew off and came back to the house, walked out of the back porch, and cried for a while. I talked to God and to Beck out loud. Whether she can hear me or not, I still have things to say to her, so I'm just going to keep talking. It hit me today that Beck and I talked alot during our marriage. We didn't always agree, but we rarely were together in silence, except at night when she would lay her head on my chest, I would stroke her beautiful hair, (or beautiful bald head), depending on the time frame, and she would fall asleep there. Those were such wonderful times for me. I loved to hear her sleep and be so content in my arms. I remember vowing to protect her with my life, then feeling like I failed miserably because all I could do was watch her die. That feeling of powerlessness is the worst I've experienced. I've lived with a lot of guilt, and I know that's ridiculous. There was nothing I could do or I would have, but my feelings betray me sometimes and my mind makes things real that aren't. I still wonder, if only she had gone to the doctor sooner, and I guess that's why I need some counseling. I keep looking for something to blame my pain on, and it doesn't exist. I guess one thing that I can give all Glory to God for is the fact that in my prior life, I would have just drank away the pain, but the thought of alcohol is repulsive to me. I haven't had a drink in fourteen years. God took the taste from me and replaced it with the will to live and provide for my family. I thank the Lord God on my knees every day for that.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I need to be alone for a few days where I can walk around and no one want to know about the service or ask me how I'm doing. I'm sure you understand. I will be eternally grateful to everyone who has reached out to me, and I'm not going to forget it. I just need a few days to refill. I'm running on empty. When I get back on Monday, I'm meeting the Kid's Dad to pick them up, then I'm going back to work on Tuesday. My boss is helping me big time. Wednesday is Autumn's birthday, and we are all going out to Ruby Tuesday's for supper. I met with her Guidance Counselor at school today. It was nice, and we got the certificate we need to get her permit. I'm taking her to get it on Wednesday. Wish me luck. I need to take extra zantac that day. Friday, we are having her a party, and Saturday both of the kids and I are taking off. We are going somewhere special, just the three of us, spending the night, then coming back Sunday. I'm looking more forward to that than anything else. We don't have anything to rebuild. We are already a tight family, but we are missing the key ingredient, so it will change as we go along, but like I said before, God brought us this far. He won't let us down now.
I'm going to unwind. Last night was the first time I slept in the bed without her. I slept good because of my dogs. They let me know I wasn't alone, mostly by placing their rear ends in my face. I love them so much, and they are grieving. I was worried about our Corgy "Angel" because she pulled all of the hair off of her back and rear, but now that I'm home, she is doing much better. I put Beck's stuffed frog under the covers on her pillow. She held it the last months of her life while I held her, so he's filling in. I will be okay, I know it. I just have to go through this and feel my feelings. As long as I rely on God to direct my life, I will be happy again. I am happy right now just thinking about the upcoming weekends.
Sweet Dreams, God Bless, and I really really really do love all of you.
Here are some pictures no one has ever seen. THIS was Beck and me. How can I ever let this go? I can't see it right now. I don't ever want to. I love you Babygirl! I hope you can hear me!
