It's Thursday night and this is actually day one. Day one without her in my life or in this world. I've called this blog, "My Journey With Becka". I'm not sure how much longer I am going to write, because that journey has ended, and the entire world is different for me today. Absolutely nothing seems the same except for my dogs. Unconditional love. My house is full right now and I'm on the back porch. The people in the house are all missing pieces of their hearts tonight, but together we are carrying each other through today, and quite possibly might make it to sleep in the future. This is my family. Becka gave them to me, and they have accepted me with open arms, embraced me with their love, and let me know that life will indeed go on. The love I have for Becka is transferred to all of them now and forever. She is a part of every one of them, and there aren't words to express how grateful I am to have them with me.
It occurred to me today in an instant that I'm a widower. I'm not married anymore. It was like a truck fell on me and crushed me through the parking lot. I cried for the longest time when that realization hit me, because she was my pride and joy. I loved being married to Becka. I talked about "my wife" all of the time to everyone. There was no "me". It was "us", and now that she's gone, half of me is gone with her. I do wish my hands would stop shaking so I could type better. Becka changed my entire way of thinking. She taught me how to be romantic, caring, loving, and selfless. These are all traits that didn't exist until her, and now that she's gone forever, I fear that they are gone as well. After things settle down for a bit, I know what I need to do. It's never been more clear to me than now. I need to chase after the will of God in everything I do, embrace his love, and pray that he will lead me back to happiness one day. I can't see it right now, but I trust in him that it exists. I made a solemn vow to Becka to take care of Autumn and Andrew. Lead them to God and to love the Lord. They both trust me and know that I will spend the rest of my days making sure they have everything they need, including my love. As long as I'm alive, they won't have to worry about where their next meal is coming from, or where they will lay their heads. They already know this, but they are all I have left of her, and she lives on in them.
I have to tell you what happened last night. Some of you will understand, and some won't, but that's okay. I'm going to spend the rest of my life witnessing to the miracle I was blessed to see last night when Becka left us. We knew by the signs that she was probably going to leave yesterday or today. I asked our Dear Sweet Sister in Christ "Gina" to walk with me, so we walked out of the hospital and down the street to get some air. We walked back up the street and across to the other side so we could sit on the steps. I suddenly started feeling sick and dizzy. I've been shaking all over for the past two days, probably from anxiety and lack of sleep, but this was different. I felt nauseous. I told Gina that we needed to get back up to the room or I might not make it, so we took off towards the Hospital. When we got to the room, I heard singing. Ruth, Debbie, and Laura had sat around Becka and were singing Gospel and praise songs to her. Gina and I walked in the room and Gina sat down. I knelt at the foot of the hospital bed and held both of Becka's feet. We were singing and laughing, and trying to decide what to sing next, so I got Becka's Iphone out of the closet and played her favorite song which is "Arise My Love" by Newsong. Now let me go back a couple of months. Becka and I were riding down the road about three months ago. I played "Arise My Love" in the van through my Ipod, and she started crying uncontrollably. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "This song means so much more to me now". She knew she was going to die, and the song is a resurrection song. Anyway, back to the hospital bed. Ruth was sitting beside of Becka holding her hand and so was Debbie. Laura was holding Debbie's hand and Gina was beside of Ruth holding hers. I was still holding Beck's feet, and we started the song "Arise My Love". Halfway through the song, the lyrics go, "No more death's sting, no more suffering". When the singer said that, Becka opened her eyes for the first time in a week, focused her eyes on the ceiling, took her last breath, and went with the Lord. She never moved again. It was so incredibly peaceful and full of grace that we all knew what had happened at the same time. A feeling of calm and comfort flooded me. I've been so torn inside for the past week that I couldn't have a conversation with anyone, but when the Lord took her home, he wanted everyone in the room to know that he was there and had done just that. We all witnessed God in real time, taking her straight to Heaven. We didn't have to even say anything. We all knew immediately what had happened. God came in the room and said, "Okay, you are going to praise me and pray her out of here, well here I am, and she's coming with me". It was by far the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Her torn, broken body wasn't her prison anymore and she was free, and with the Lord.
I made a pact with Becka. I promised I would be there with her when she left this world, and I kept my promise even though at the end I didn't want to. God was having none of it. He wanted me to see him at work and he did. My faith in God had been so strained through the past year, and towards the end I was just going through the motions when I prayed, because I was so mad at him, but when he came in the room and filled me with the Spirit, all of that went away, and I was okay. I've been okay all day. Of course I've cried half of the day. I'll miss her until I die, but he made it okay. After last night, my faith in God has never been stronger, and many people were affected by it. Everyone in the room was speechless and in awe. I stood up and opened the door, and the nurses were standing outside listening to us pray and sing Becka to Heaven. They all came in from everywhere because they wanted to be a part of what had just happened. The cancer floor became a very Holy Place, and everyone knew it. If any unbelievers had been in the room, they would be believers today.
We finalized the funeral home and the cemetery arrangements today. Everyone is helping and playing a part, and it's a team effort. Tomorrow I will get to see Becka again, and I don't know how I will feel about that, but I have faith that God will give me the strength to get through it. As far as Saturday when I know her body will go in the ground, I'll think about that when it gets here, and again, God will give me strength. If I look back, he has all this time or I wouldn't be here writing this tonight. I have no doubt. None. I feel ashamed for my lack of faith at times, and I pray that I can trust in him for everything from now on. It's okay if I don't because he knows I'm human. I can only understand so much for now. That's where that word comes back around that I need to remember, "Faith".
I had to write this tonight to see it for myself again. My brain isn't hitting on all cylinders, but my heart is working overtime. I will write again tomorrow and Saturday, and I'll decide then when this journey will end. I know this much, that my journey towards the Lord will never end. To Becka, "Hey Babygirl, you made it! I Love You So Much! See you soon!"
Sweet Dreams and God Bless you all. I'll see a lot of you tomorrow I'm sure, and I'm looking forward to that part!
