It's Monday night and I'm writing this a little early so that I can try and get some sleep tonight. I got three hours last night. I can't stay conscious much longer. My body will have to go to sleep, and I want it to go here rather than sitting at a red light. It's turned very cold here. The weather for Beck's funeral was amazing, but it's so cold here that I had to turn the heat on in the house. It's been a very long day, but it flew by, if that makes sense. I got a lot accomplished, and at the same time I have so much to do that I'm overwhelmed. I dread tomorrow. Debbie, Gina, and Andrew are all leaving. I know that things need to try and get back to normal, but I don't think normal will ever apply to me again. The past year has changed me as a man. I walk through the house and I'm terrified. I thought I heard Becka call me tonight, so I played it off and asked if anyone else did, but it was her voice I heard. The sound of her voice is still rolling through my ears, and it both soothes me and torments me at the same time. I know that I have a long way to go, and a lot of work ahead. I'm just exhausted. I've been running a race since last year, and now that the race is over, my mind and my body won't rest. Picture the complete absence of serenity, and that's what I'm like inside. I did manage to go several places today. John, Andrew, and I had pedicures today. Gina took us and photographed the entire event. We did it in memory of Becka. I used a coupon that she never got to use. Up until today, I've always had a bizarre fear of anyone touching my feet, but I actually enjoyed it. My Brother from another mother Andrew had a black butterfly painted on his toenail in honor of my baby. Beck loved her friends so very much, but Andrew is special. He gave her away to me at our wedding. He's the kind of guy who never says no. Anything I need is right there, usually before I need it. He's a little psychic, or I'm just easy to figure out.
Anyway, everyone is leaving except Mom, and I thank God that she's the one staying. If I had to chose people to be here with me, it's Beck's Mom and Dad. They have done more than all the rest. They gave up their lives to come here and enrich ours. They've helped in every way possible, and I know Beck was their daughter, but I can tell you without any doubt that they would do it for complete strangers. There are few people in the world like Beck's parents and mine. My mother and stepfather are incredible, and my mother is grieving badly. She adored Beck and Beck loved her. Please keep her in your prayers. I can tell you that I'm grateful to my soul for everyone who has reached out to us in so many ways, but I wouldn't have made it through this without Beck's Parents. They are the rocks that have held us to the ground. They have been here at ground zero the whole time, pushing away their grief and pain so that Beck could enjoy one more day. Her Father always hugged and kissed her every time he passed her chair, and her Mom hugs and kisses everyone she walks by. They are a different breed of people who walk their faith twenty four hours a day. God sent them to take care of us in this time, and they haven't stopped. When I look through the back door now and see Beck's Mom sitting there, it relieves some of the pain, and I know it's going to be okay. Her Dad is gone back to Florida for a doctor's appointment, but he will be right back. They don't separate for long.
We had some phones switched over today, and I had an appointment with financial counselor friend of mine who is taking care of some business for me, then we went to Walmart and had our nails done, and I bought a backpack to take with me to DC this weekend. After all was said and done, John had to leave, and we all got ready and went to the cemetery. The flowers are beautiful, and I took pictures. I'm going this week to order her headstone. I'm sure Mom will go with me and help.
I've made a decision and I think it's the right one. I'm taking a year off. Not from work or life, but for myself, because I have to tell you, I have no idea who I am anymore. I was exactly who I wanted to be which was husband to the perfect, God given wife, and now that's over, I need to do some soul searching. Before I met Beck, I had a wall up in front of me, and I didn't let anyone around it. I would let someone close, but when things started getting serious, I ran. That was my "M.O.", but when I met Beck, I tore that wall down completely and said, "Here I am Baby, in all my glory and with all of my shortcomings! Take it or leave it!" She took it with open arms and ran with it as far as she could go. She looked past the bad and loved me unconditionally. I gave her my heart completely and she took it to the grave with her. She still has it, and I don't want it back. Remember that wall? It's built back in force with steel. Right now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to reach out that far to anyone again, because the pain will pull me back. I never want to feel these feelings for the rest of my life. The love I feel for Beck is exclusive and unique. I had never felt it before. So that's why I say I'm going to take a year. Search out the Lord. Build up my church family again. Have fun with my friends and love them the way they have loved me. I have a life to rebuild, and right now I have no idea how to do that, so I'm letting God handle it. I'm forty five years old, a little heavy, and beaten down. I'm going to take care of the "heavy" part right now. As soon as I lose some weight, I'll feel better physically, and that will help with the mental things too. I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying, "Take me where you want me Lord", and I mean it. If I could go back and see that this was going to happen, it wouldn't have mattered. I would have chased Beck to the ends of the earth just to be near her. She was my true soul mate. I would go through everything I did just to spend one day with her. Towards the end, I was Beck's nurse and care taker. She couldn't do anything for herself. The cancer had spread out over her brain and spine. She couldn't use her hands very well or walk at all without help, and at night I fed her with a spoon. I cleaned her after the bathroom, bathed her, and put her clothes on, but through it all, she kept her head up and loved me all that she could. I was the luckiest man alive. God Blessed me with the calling to take care of her, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I miss her so very much, no matter if she was sick or well. Just to be in her presence and hear her sweet voice was enough for me. Could I ever do it again? Who knows. I barely have the energy to walk across the room now, but I have no regrets. I didn't miss out on anything.
It's cold and I'm so tired. I love each and every one of you. You may have noticed that the comments are gone. If you comment, I'll see it. The devil chose to try and attack me through this blog, which was supposed to be a way to inform all of you at the same time about Beck, but turned in to something special for me. It became her memorial of sorts. She fought the entire way to be here with us. She never stopped fighting, my warrior Queen, so I'll read what you write and the devil can try to attack me another way. This is for her. It has been all along. It has helped me to vent, inform, and ask for help and prayer, but ultimately, she deserves all of the credit for it. I'm going to do what she would want me to do, and that is pray for all those that are lost without Christ in their hearts, even if they try to hurt me or her. It's in God's hands. It always has been, but I control the comments, lol.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
