It's Sunday night and it's cold outside! I'm feeling so much better, by the Grace of God. I totally rearranged the living room this morning, cleaned the whole house, and went to Lowes to buy a new lamp. I also bathed two of the dogs. I left the other two for the kids when they got home. It's been a good day. I put a bunch of stuff away and made a lot more room in the living room. The kids are in there playing with the dogs as we speak. I think it will help with healing. Change is good sometimes. I found an old notebook of Beck's today. Her hand writing is unmistakable. I put it with some of her other things I'm keeping. I never thought I would be a widower, never. I thought I would leave a widow here though. I still talk to Beck all the time like she's still here. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't care. I miss her just as much today as I did the first time I came home without her, but I can tell that God is healing my heart. I don't cry as much, but I was alone all weekend. It's usually when someone asks about her that I choke up. There are other times that are very difficult for me. I still reach over in the bed for her. Her stuffed frog has taken her place for now, and the dogs surround me. Mornings are hard as well. When I come out on the back porch to drink my coffee and watch the sun come up, I can almost see her sitting beside of me, waiting on the hummingbirds. Time will heal and change things I'm sure, but for now I miss everything about her. I have her voice on video. I watch it when I'm alone because I don't want the kids to see me cry. They are under enough stress as it is. Losing their mother is enough to deal with without seeing their step dad break down. I'm taking them to DC in a couple of weeks. I was going to surprise them, but I told them tonight. Now that I've been, I know where to take them. There are so many Art Museums there that Autumn will love, and Andrew will enjoy the Smithsonian. I'm going to see if my son Dillon can get off of work and go with us.
God is working on me, I can feel it, and I've never felt closer to him in my life. Ever since Beck left us the way she did, it changed my way of thinking. I've never personally seen God in action until that night. He wanted us to know that he came in the room and took her. It's an experience that I need to witness to for the rest of my life. As far as my human emotions go, every time I feel lonely or disconnected, someone always seems to call at that time with the right thing to say. I'm not worried anymore about the future. I know he's in control and will make things right. For now, I'm a work in progress. I always will be when it comes to what God wants me to be. I'm not sure where I will be in a year, but I'm not concerned with it now. I just need to concentrate on what is right in front of me. Then I won't stress about what I don't have control over, which ultimately is nothing except how I act and what I do. I can't let anyone else determine my destiny. I have to seek his will for me and trust him. He knows what he is doing. I never have.
I'm so glad the kids are home. The house was way too empty. They are laughing together in the living room. Laughter is always good in a home. There has been too much sadness here lately. Andrew hasn't had a headache since he started wearing his glasses! God be praised! He looks good in them as well. I'm so glad he isn't hurting anymore. He's been going to bed early, but he just asked me if he could stay up a little later and I said yes. I'm going to bed in a few. I have to work tomorrow.
Thank you for sticking by me and my family all this time. We have felt your prayers and many of you have sacrificed for us. We won't forget it. If you need me, I'll be there.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
