I've been sleeping much better lately. Things are just different and it's going to take a long time to adjust. Nothing is the same without Beck here. I watched the sunrise this morning and took some pictures of it from my back porch. The clouds were orange and it was beautiful, and all I could think about was how much she loved sitting out here drinking coffee and watching the sunrise and our little hummingbirds. It's funny, they haven't been back since she left us. I haven't filled up the feeders, but the feeders are red, so if the hummingbirds were still around they would at least come and check them out. I guess they left with her.
Beck was so easy to please. She loved the simple things in life, and if the kids were happy, she was ecstatic. Her life was all about others. She was so self-sacrificing, even in death. She gave her eyes so that two other people could see. I received a letter from the Eyebank thanking us, and they are going to send us the information about who got her eyes. I didn't think they did that, but apparently I was wrong. I love the fact that others are going to see through her eyes. Beck's eyes looked straight in to my soul every time we made contact. If she wanted something to drink or eat, she would ask, "Are you hungry or thirsty"? That was her cue instead of asking for something for herself. The day before she went in to the hospital was Andrew's birthday party, and I know she was hurting because of the pictures. I can see it in her face, but I know that she held out because she didn't want to go on his birthday. The next day she was screaming in agony due to the embolisms we didn't know about, and not even morphine could take the pain away. Beck was incredible and unique. She loved everybody and had no enemies. I wondered for a long time why God put me with her. Now I know what my calling was, and I treasure every second we had together. I think I miss talking to her the most, with kissing her a close second. We would lay in bed at night and talk for hours until we fell asleep. We talked about everything, especially the future. That is, until she got sick. Then our conversations changed. She battled the cancer with everything she had, but deep down I think she knew it was going to win. Especially when she found out that it was stage four. It didn't matter though. She fought for every second with her family, and her war with evil won't be forgotten. I won't let it be. Everyone will know the strength and courage she had, and how special she was. Her maiden name was King, and now she's with the King of Kings. Kind of symbolic really. The fact that she took my last name is my greatest accomplishment so far, but all of the credit goes to God. He worked on me for a long time preparing me for her, and now I know what he had in mind. I'm still a work in progress, but I made her happy and managed to better her life towards the end, I would like to believe anyway. Now God is working on me again. My heart and mind are open to him for whatever he wants from me. My ultimate goal is to get to Heaven, but that has already been bought and paid for in blood, so I don't have to worry about that. Until that time, I will do my best to seek out his will for me every day, even if it goes against my plans.
Like I said, this has been a good day. Tomorrow is what I make of it. I have a friend coming over this Saturday to help me rearrange the living room. I forgot to tell him about Beck, and he came over tonight to see how she was. He and his wife want me to go Saturday night to sing Karaoke. I don't know if I will go. I can't sing, I don't drink, and, no offense, I don't want to be around single women, so what else is there? I'll probably stay here and get some much needed rest. I'm still not quite over the pneumonia.
It's bed time, I hope. I pray that you have a wonderful night, and that you love someone and they love you. Love is really what it's all about. We weren't designed to be alone or God would have stopped with Adam. For me right now, alone or with a bunch of guys suits me just fine. We can stand around and shoot guns, scratch ourselves, make disgusting noises and laugh about them, and hit golf balls. Sounds like Heaven to me!
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
Oh yeah, one other thing, I shaved my mustache today. Beck never would let me, but I haven't seen my top lip in twenty years. Now I know why. Good Night!
