Andrew took his cell to school this morning. It was great and he worked hard on it! He's been having headaches, so I made him an appointment with the eye doctor on Friday, and I'm taking him to the Pediatrician then as well. He and his sister are going to their Dad's this weekend, and I'm going to try and get some things done around here that I've been putting off, then I might go to my Dad's and shoot some. Who knows. I may just lay around the house and catch up on sleep. I've been running and running, sick all the time mind you, and I need the rest. Watching movies all weekend will help. I don't think I'll watch "Steel Magnolias" or "A Walk To Remember". I'll stick with something funny.
I went back to work today. It was good to get back in the swing of things. I received a thousand hugs, and I had to stop and talk to many about Beck. I can't get away from it, so I don't try. I appreciate that people want to hear how I'm doing and that they have been praying for me. I never dreamed I would have so much support. I talked about Beck all day and worked, then I took off to take care of business things. I had to go drop off two "Certified Death Certificates". I ordered ten, and I had to proof read it when they first gave them to me. I haven't looked at one since, but every time I pull one out, I know what I am holding and it crushes me. I appreciate that the people who are receiving them have been very sympathetic, kind, and patient with me. I just hand it to them, then hold up one finger telling them I'll be right back. I go outside and do my thing, gather myself or try to, then go back and finish what needs finishing. I have to go to the Social Security Administration Friday morning. I'm going to try and get there when they open so I won't have to wait.
I was looking at pictures today with some coworkers. Becka was so beautiful, even when she was sick and close to death. She always had a spark in her eyes, especially when she was looking at the kids. They were her pride and joy. I'll never know what she saw in me when we first met. Maybe potential! It took a lot of training, but I came around. I'm glad that I'm trainable. It took time and effort for us to learn about each other. The first two years are the hardest, because most people don't clear out the garbage from the past, and that's the first thing that has to happen. My relationship with Beck was unique. I had to have a new attitude about everything. She accepted my faults and loved me in spite of myself. If I think about it, not a day went by when we were married that we didn't tell each other "I Love You". This house seems so empty without her here. The kids are upstairs playing. I'm down here waiting on the debate, then going to bed. I think it's finally sinking in that she's gone, to me anyway. I can still see her walk in the room and look at me, or call my name through the house. I feel her everywhere, yet she seems so far away. I remember everything about our marriage, and I want it back so much, but that's not going to happen today, so I guess I'll just see her later. I remember the movie "Phenomenon", with John Travolta. It's a great movie, but this is a spoiler alert if you haven't seen it, so don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know what happens.
John Travolta is laying in a hospital bed dying of a malignant brain tumor. His girlfriend is with him, and he asks her, "Will you love me for the rest of my life?" She says, "No, but I'll love you for the rest of mine". Beck and I said that to each other before she died because she remembered it from the movie. I meant it. I will love her for the rest of my life. Is there love out there for me again one day? I would say yes. That's up to God, but I have a lot of love to give. Right now, Beck still has my heart, so I can't give what I don't have. I still have a lot of healing, crying, screaming, and pulling my hair out to do. Beck told me before she died that she wanted me to go on and remarry. She said I don't do well alone. I told her that if I died first, she better not remarry. I would come back and haunt whoever she was with, make them wish they were never born! That made her laugh. Her sweet, beautiful laugh. It always went straight to my heart. I'm glad I remember what it sounded like.
My future is up in the air, because I'm giving it to God. I'm not going to try and control anything anymore, because it's all an illusion anyway-"control". Try and go against God's will and see what happens! Until I know more about his plan for me, I will love my Family, love my friends, love my dogs, and try to accept and forgive people on the spot, (unless they cut me off in traffic). Okay, them too. I never pray for patience when I'm driving, because that's when God puts a two hundred year old woman in front of me in the fast lane. All I can see is blue hair sticking up over the seat as we do 45 mph. (At least my sense of humor is coming back). That's a good sign.
I'm going in and spend some time with the kids, watch the debate, then go to bed. Love all of you!
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
