Sunday night and we are fixing to watch a movie together and eat chocolate chip cookies, so I thought I would write early. The past two days have flown by. I feel like I'm living in a dream state and nothing is completely real anymore. All of my senses are dulled to the point where I think someone could break all of my toes and I wouldn't feel it. I feel lost, because part of me is gone. I have no direction and all of my life plans have gone out of the window. I know that the "process" comes in stages, but I think they have all come at the same time. I'm war torn and exhausted, yet I rarely sleep. The first thing I do every morning when I wake is break completely down because she's not there, then I try and gather myself. I don't really have to do anything because I have people all around me taking good care of me, which I'm not used to. It's usually the other way around, but I'm very grateful for it. Everyone worked hard today to try and make things somewhat normal for me. I stayed at a hotel last night about a mile from my house with John, Andrew, and Gina. We ordered some pizzas, watched the rest of the Florida State / NC State game, then went to sleep. I wanted to sleep in a bed because I've been on the couch. I'm going to TRY and sleep in my bed tonight. If it's too painful, then I'll give the bed away and buy a new one. We worked on the house today a lot, which really helped me. I need to stay active. I've gained a bunch of weight from not eating right and not working out, but that all stops tomorrow. I'm going back to taekwondo tomorrow night. I need the workout and it will help me physically, maybe even help me sleep.
We started going through some things today. Some people may say it's way too early, but they don't know that I told Beck I would, and I keep my promises. She made me promise to give her clothes to charity so that someone else might use them, so we went through and gave some of them away, but I kept many things that I plan on keeping forever. I kept some of her favorite clothes, her jacket she wore all of the time, and her purse. Of course I kept other things as well, but when I came to her wallet, I opened it and started going through it. That's when all of the grief hit me and I wasn't okay for a while. After I recovered slightly, I went back in and put everything back in her wallet exactly where it was, even the money. It's going to stay that way forever. I gave Autumn some very personal things of her mother, as well as her sisters, her mother, and of course Gina, (her little sister). I have to say this about Gina. Everyone has been incredible, and we have carried each other over the past two weeks, but I don't know what I would have done without Gina. She's a rock and she has big shoulders.
I can't believe she's gone. I really in my heart thought she was going to beat the cancer, all the way to the end. I prayed non stop for a miracle, which came at the end, but it wasn't the one I wanted. I walk through the house and feel her presence. I smell her and hear her talking in the other room. When I ride down the road, I naturally reach for her hand, but it's not there. When I walk to the car, I still walk to the passenger door to open it first, even though I'm alone. We order food and I think, "What would Beck want?" This is going to be a very long process. I'm not trying to ever forget her. I just want to be okay again, and I'm far from that. My heart hurts all the time and I wonder if I am going to cry for the rest of my life. I know this all just happened and I will heal, but I'm not very patient, and maybe I don't want to heal. I will never completely get over her. I don't want to, and if that means crying every day for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that. I'm joining a support group at hospice with other people who have lost spouses. I think it will help. I'm also going in to work for a couple of hours this week, just to get out of the house and get some hours in. This coming weekend I made a decision for myself. I want to be alone. I said that to two family members, and they asked if I wanted them to come with me. Funny huh? Just trying to help! For years now Beck and I have been planning a trip to Washington DC in the fall, but it's one of those things we didn't get to do, even though we went everywhere together. Beck and I made many plans and followed up on many of them. We had a fantastic marriage and I can say with all certainty, I have no regrets. Anyway, I booked a round trip ticket, one round trip ticket, to Washington DC for this Friday. I'm flying in Friday afternoon. I'm staying in DC through Monday, then flying back that afternoon. I was able to get one ticket to the Redskin / Vikings game on Sunday. It's amazing how good the tickets are that are available when you are only buying one. I was able to get lower level on the fifty yard line. The way I see it, no one goes to the game alone, so there are lots of "fill-in" seats available. I can't wait. The way I see it, I'm not going alone. Beck will be with me. I haven't stopped talking to her. I constantly talk to my Babygirl. The only difference is that now I'm looking up when I do it and I don't hear her talk back to me. I guess if she did I would be really worried and would need more than a support group. That remains to be seen. I'm going to spend Saturday in DC seeing the sights and taking pictures, so I will post a lot of them on Facebook and on here. I think it's what I need. God will be with me constantly, protecting me and leading me. My walk towards him is in full bloom. I'm praying all of the time, and I hurt someone yesterday with my actions, then I did what Beck would have done. I immediately went back, apologized, and made it right.
"Hey Baby, I was watching and listening! I love you!"
They are waiting on me for the movie. Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope.
