Day Eighty Seven

It's Wednesday and things are fantastic! Becka is feeling good today! She drank her boost and ate some Chinese  food tonight, and she's had no nausea or pain. God is truly good! I've got my wife back for now! It's like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders and heart because she is feeling better. I've prayed so hard for it, and now I see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She is so tough! She really should have been a UFC fighter for a living! (She's got a great roundhouse kick).

I called her all day today and I probably got on her nerves, but I just needed to hear her voice. It's so clear and responsive now, even comedic and sarcastic at times! Wonderful!! The chemo is doing it's job, and so is she. She takes fantastic care of herself, drinking tons of water and juice, and eating what she is supposed to when she can eat. She doesn't take any medicine when she's feeling good except her Nexium and sleeping pills. I have an addicts mind so I can't understand that, lol. I would be on my eighth or ninth bottle of vicodin. She is still on her first. Subsequently, no matter how much pain I'm ever in, I will NEVER put another vicodin or any other Opiod in my body. They should only be used for people with chronic pain, cancer, or other diseases, but I used to take them for a headache. I blame the doctors for part of that. Some of them live and die by their prescription pads.

Today can be chalked up in the positive column, and I'm grateful for it. Every day means so much to me now. Life has changed beyond belief. I used to be such a complainer. I would talk about the worst part of my day. Now there are no bad parts, only more difficult ones, but every day with her is a wonderful day. Every day that I can hear her voice, kiss her gently, reach out and touch her, and feel her presence, that is a good day no matter what happens. I never dreamed I could love another person this much.

Her Parents are moving in their new house and bought a car! I'm so happy for them. I hear they are getting a new bedroom suite too! Everyone knows how much joy is associated with a new bedroom suite. The bible says that in Heaven, all things are new. I love new things, I think everyone does. I can see it now, walking through Heaven and someone asks, "What are you eating"? I'll say, "I don't know, but it's new"! "Is that a new suit you are wearing? New hairstyle? Sorry I got off track, but according to the bible, Heaven is going to rock, and we will all be there together with the King of Kings!

Becka is laying down taking a nap because the season finale of "Face Off" comes on at Ten oclock Eastern Standard time and it's one of her favorite shows. I'm too jacked up on steroids to think about sleeping. I have ten days of it left, but it's working! My back and my elbow quit hurting. Getting old is the pits, but the experience that goes along with it is priceless. I do believe that every once in a while, the kids actually listen to what I'm saying. Go figure! My son Dillon has moved back to Winston and has an apartment. He came by tonight and had dinner with us, and he's going to take Taekwondo! I'm glad he's closer. I've missed him dearly, but don't tell him that, lol! He adores Becka. I think that is one of the biggest reasons he moved back, because he has come by to see her every day since he got here. He knows, as does everyone who knows her, how special she is. I've met so many people in my life. Some were influential in my self destruction, and others pulled me from the Gates of Hell and put my feet on the right path. I've learned from all of them, and I pray that they all know the Lord before they leave this place. I hold no resentments today. Life is too short, and that's not a cliche'. It really is. God has loved me enough to save me, so I should try my best to love the way he wants me to. I don't have to try to love Becka, but I'm going to have to give it everything I have to love Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and any active abortionist. I'll keep praying!

Thanks as always. I hope that you know I mean that. I know that a lot of you pray for Becka and Me every day. Some of you have given of yourselves so that we can have, and I will never forget it. The prayers are the most important though. God hears all of you and loves all of you. Please keep it up!

Good night and God Bless! If you are up at Ten, watch Face Off on Sci Fi! It's a fantastic show!

Day Eighty Six

It's Tuesday night and things are good! Becka went to the doctor today for blood work, and her blood counts are excellent! Her white cell count is slightly down, but otherwise things are fantastic! She's feeling good and eating. She actually drank some milk today! God is good! Thanks so much to our wonderful friend Kristi for taking her to the doctor, and to Fabulous Fern for coming over and sitting with her. We wouldn't trade our friends for gold.........well maybe gold........or cash money!

We were blessed today by my employer. I work for Food Lion, and they have a foundation called Lion's Pride, that helps out employees in need, and they really came through. I can't say enough how wonderful of an organization Food Lion is, and how much I love my job. I try every day to do the very best I can for them, because ultimately I'm working for God. He owns everything anyway, and he is the one who gave me the wisdom and skill to do my job. No matter what happens, I have the best life I could ever hope for. It's the only life I want. The absolute love of my life is on the couch and she's feeling good tonight. That is all that matters to me right now. I think of the parents who lost their children in the school shooting the other day, and I have no complaints tonight. I pray for their hearts and souls. I don't think it's possible to know their pain. No matter what Becka is going through, their lives have ended somewhat, and they will have to start all over again if they even can. I had a very dear friend of mine die when I was a teenager. I had a lot of friends die because of the crowds I was associated with, but she was special. Her name was Heather Miller. She died in a head on collision on Peacehaven Rd in 1987. She was seventeen years old. I went to her funeral and her father embraced me and asked me what he was supposed to do now. I didn't have an answer for him. He killed himself three months later. I guess he figured it out himself. I still feel the twinge of despair when I think about her and all of the other children that have died without ever knowing what life was really about, and I used to wonder why God kept me alive. I tried for so long to destroy myself. I would wake up in my truck and the engine was still running, and I didn't remember driving home. I would inject so many drugs in to my body that I would hit the floor and blood would shoot out of my nose, and every time I knew that my heart was going to explode, but it didn't, and I got up and fixed myself another hit. I could go on and on, and I knew that I was never going to see the age of thirty, but God had another plan for me, and now I know what it is. I'm living it now, repenting of my sins, thanking him for every second I have left with this wonderful woman, and praising him for touching her heart and letting her see past the facade and in to my heart. She chose me to be her man, and I'm going to do everything I can for the rest of my life to convince her she made a good choice.

I'm going to the store to get her some Boost and some juice she likes. God Bless all of you and don't forget to hug your kids please, and don't take this the wrong way, but if you see a child that is acting peculiar these days, please intervene. It's better to be wrong and a little embarrassed than to be right and do nothing. I tell myself that I would know if one of our kids was going to kill his classmates, but who am I to say. I guess I will just have to do my best as a father, talk to my kids, and direct their lives rather than be an observer.

Good night!

Day Eighty Five

Monday night and things are much better! Becka has been feeling better all day. I took Andrew to school this morning because he had a concert to go to, and Autumn stayed home with her. I worked all day and I called here every little while to check on her. I think the worst of it is over until next time. At least I hope so. It doesn't get much worse than last night. Life is truly one day at a time, as it should be. This entire experience has taught me to enjoy and cherish every moment together.

We are watching the Daytona 500. It's exciting so far. Becka wants to watch a show at 8:00, and there is no way I'm going to be able to stay up and watch the entire race anyway. I'm exhausted. I can see myself going to bed in a bit. If you are reading this, and you are free tomorrow morning for a couple of hours, please let us know. Becka has a doctor's appointment and I'm taking her, but if anyone else can I will go to work early. She won't be there long. They are just drawing blood.

Thanks for everything as usual! God is good, all the time. If anything changes I'll update, but for now I'm grateful. The light is back on in her eyes and she went to the mall with Autumn and me earlier to get Autumn some pants. ANYTHING like that is good!

God Bless!

Day Eighty Four

Sunday evening and things are back to normal somewhat. Becka has been sick all day, and tonight it came to a head. She started violently throwing up and passed out in my arms. I hold her every time until she comes back around, and she's scared because she doesn't know where she is. She's resting beside of me now. I gave her an anti nausea pill and a sleeping pill, and I'll keep an eye on her all night. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. It all depends on whether I can find someone to come stay with her. No matter how good she may be feeling, she can turn quickly, and she can't be here by herself. I may ask Fern if she can come sit with her for a while so I can go get some work done, but still I don't want to be away from here. It's terrifying when she passes out. I just hold on tight and pull her to me until she comes back around, then I tell her it's alright so she will know what's going on. Her legs are still hurting her and she can't keep them still. The chemotherapy is causing her muscles to contract and ache. She has eaten a little today but not much. I think that the pain medicine is making her a little bit sicker as far as her stomach. She had acid reflux today as well, so I gave her a Nexium.

She's comfortable now I believe. I pray that she sleeps all night. I'm going to set my alarm to wake me up every couple of hours so I can check on her, that is if I go to sleep. I want to make sure she doesn't get sick in her sleep or wake up sick and not be able to tell me. I would call the doctor, but this is normal for her after treatments. It's hard to accept that the new "normal" for her is to be sick all of the time. I hope she holds on to the last time she felt GREAT, and remember it so that she will know what is coming soon we hope. I can't tell you how it hurts my heart to see her this sick, but at the same time be filled with love and purpose because she needs me, and I'm right here where I belong. Taking care of Becka is not a chore for me, or a cross to bear. It's a blessing and an honor. I get to show her through my actions how much I adore her. As long as I'm taking breaths, I won't leave her side. My dilemma is work. I have to make money so we can live and I can't be here at the same time. I'm praying hard that God will make a way. He knows our needs and he loves us, so I'm expecting him to come through. I've always said that an expectation of another human being is a premeditated resentment, but an expectation of God is based on his Word. He will make things right.

I'm going to keep an eye on her and maybe catch some shuteye while she's sleeping. God Bless all of you. Thank you for everything! All of you have really come through and then some. Becka won't forget it, and neither will I. Love you!

Day Eighty Three

Saturday night and things are much better! Becka has been feeling better than she did last night Thank the Lord. She's still in pain and not up and about. Her legs have been hurting her but she's been eating today. The nausea is gone as well. I pray that she's out of the woods from this chemo treatment. She's already gone to bed for the evening. I tucked her in and gave her a pain pill. I've been massaging her feet and legs, but she can't seem to get comfortable. Her muscles are contracting. Chemotherapy is wicked stuff, but if it's killing the cancer and saving her life, it's worth it. As long as she's not nauseous, things are better.

Today has been a long day. I had to work late last night, then woke up at 3:00 am and took my Mother-in-law and Father-in-Law to the airport. They got home safely. I hated seeing them go and didn't know how emotional I would get when they left. I can't express in words what it meant for them to be here and how much they helped. Everyone involved is hurting and we all have skin in the game. There is no way I could do this alone, so I'm very grateful for the help. I know it's for Becka, but we benefit from it just as much.

I didn't know how exhausted I was until today. I laid down for a long nap this afternoon, and I really haven't done anything else today. I'll clean tomorrow. I also decided to suspend my diet for one day, so we ordered pizzas from Dominos. We had a pepperoni, a spinach parmesan, and a cheese with half pineapple. It was heavenly, especially the spinach, which is Becka's favorite and she ate some. Now I'm fixing brownies and I bought some vanilla ice cream to go with them. The kids can smell them from upstairs! I'll go back on my diet tomorrow.

God is everywhere, and he is here for sure. I prayed last night for her to feel better today and she does. I know he has a hand in it. He has a hand in everything. That is why I'm wondering how much he thinks she needs to go through. It doesn't make sense to me. If I went to the doctor and he said that I have cancer, I'd say, "It's about time". She's never done anything to deserve this. I guess that is one of the things that makes it so hard. Becka is so wonderful and beautiful in every way. She's down, but she's not out. We are going to fight this to the end, and win.

Thanks for all of the prayers! God Bless and see you tomorrow!

Day Eighty Two

Friday night and I'm finally sitting down. I worked thirteen hours today. I'm glad because I need the hours, but Becka has deteriorated all day, and tonight she is very sick. She kept texting me at work telling me to hurry home, and I did as fast as I could. She had already gotten sick, so I held her and gave her some medicine. When she is this sick she can't think straight, so I have to tell her what to take. I gave her a pain pill and a sleeping pill so she can relax, and now she's asleep. I'll be watching her through the night, and I am taking her Mom and Dad to the airport in the morning, so tomorrow will be a day of rest, (after I get home from work). She is running a low grade fever tonight. Her legs and stomach are cramping, and she is nauseous. The cure is as bad as the disease sometimes.

I hadn't planned on working this late, but I had an emergency come in this afternoon. Some of you know that Im a Refrigeration Specialist for a grocery store chain. I oversee ten stores, service and repair all of the Refrigeration, HVAC, Electrical, Plumbing, Energy Management, Food and Deli Equipment, and general maintenance. Just about the only thing I don't do is change light bulbs. (We have a company that does that). One of my stores lost power today along with the rest of the shopping center, and the power company didn't get it back on for six hours, so we had to shut the store down, bring in a refrigerated truck, ice down the product, and wait. Once the power came back on, I rebooted all of the systems and checked to make sure everything came back on, then helped them put the store back together. I had Beck on my mind the entire time, and I prayed my way through it. I love my job very much. I just need to be here for her when she's this sick, so I'm glad they work with me the way they do. They really are a fantastic company, and I have a great team and an even better boss. God has truly blessed me there!

Now I'm looking to God to make her feel better. She's been sick for long enough. Becka is so vibrant and full of life, and now she's incredibly sick, but her head is still up and she's going to get through this. WE are going to get through this together as a family. My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest. PLEASE God let these treatments be worth it. PLEASE let them be working. I keep wondering if there is anything I'm missing, anything else I can do. When I hold her while she's crying, scared, and sick, I feel so helpless. I would trade twenty years of my life for her to be in remission. Or more.

Going to get some shut eye. 3:00 comes early. They have to be at the airport at 4:30am. Good night all and God Bless. Love you all!

Day Eighty One

Thursday evening and this is going to be very short. I've had a piercing headache all day, so I took off work early and came home to lay down, and when I finish with this, I'm going right back to bed. Things are good on Becka's end though! She has eaten great all day and she's in bed sleeping comfortably. Sorry this is so short but I feel awful. I think it's sinus. God Bless and I'll post tomorrow!

Day Eighty

It's Wednesday night and I have praise reports! Becka slept all night thanks to the Grace of God and modern medicine. She has a fantastic doctor who listens to her and cares about his patients. So far so good. She had eight hours of Chemotherapy yesterday, and she's feeling good today. We all had supper as a family, which I love by the way. We had vegetable beef soup. Becka had vegetable soup, and she made some cornbread. It's wonderful to see her eat and enjoy her food. She has another chemo treatment in three weeks, and they will do a scan at that time. EVERYTHING depends on that scan. Please pray that the treatments are shrinking the tumors. 


I moved to the back porch so that the solace will allow me to put my thoughts in to words. I heard a fantastic sermon today from David Jeremiah on "doubt". I've had many doubts in my life and in my walk with God. Pastor Jeremiah said to express them, then pray about them and give them up to God. Do I doubt that God will heal Becka, do I doubt that he can, do I doubt that  Christ was God as a man and is the only way to God. The answers to those three questions TONIGHT are no, but I have to admit that through all of this, sometimes I have doubted God. It's okay though, he can take it. God holds no offense towards his children. He is big enough for me to get mad at sometimes because he knows that I'm trapped in this human body with these human emotions and I'm being attacked at all times by the enemy who wants me back. Satan's greatest weapon is doubt. If he can make us believe that there is no God, he has us and he knows it. The difference is that God is omnipresent. The breeze that just swept through my hair and sent fantastic tingles down my back is God telling me that no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, no matter what. 


I was talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday who is actually one of the men who helped lead me to Christ. He is having personal troubles, and it reminded me that sometimes I may be oblivious to what is going on around me, and I'm not the only one hurting right now. Everyone has their cross to bear, and I need to reach out more and help rather than be helped, because if I can enrich someone else's life, I've done God's will for me. He wants us to love each other unconditionally according to his word, and I've been way too slow to forgive. I need to remember that if my savior can pray for those who tortured him, mocked him, then crucified him, I can forgive those who wrong me, and I can put myself in a position to help them, no matter how wrong I may think they were. I feel sorry for those who are living in a broken marriage, existing together but not loving each other. If only they knew that I will do anything it takes to have more time with Becka. I need years with her that only God can give, yet some people are miserable and they have each other within reaching distance. It's time to come together for everyone of God's children. It's time to put away our differences and look at our similarities. It's time to pray and worship together, and love one another like never before. Time is something we don't have, none of us. Our time could be over tonight, and what we do with every second is important. I'm going to spend the rest of my life letting Becka know how wonderful she is to me, and how I need her clear down to my soul. I'm going to let God know every day that he is number one, I love him with all of my heart, and I'm grateful for the life he has given me. The way I let him know that is the same way I let her know, through my actions and words. Everyone, including me, always remembers the one bad act of someone, and forgets the ten good ones. I am trying my best to look at everyone through God's eyes and see the beauty in them. Life is so very short, too short to hate, argue, complain, covet, or resent. If I don't have it in me to love, then I am going to pray that God gives me what I need, because ultimately when I'm upset with someone else, they are not to blame. There is always something wrong with me. How and when I react is all that is important, and if God will give me the one thing I truly desire, I will make the best of it, and that one thing, is Time.


I'm still praying for my Mother and Stepfather. Their loss is incredible. Everyone who has pets knows what they are going through right now. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. My Mother is an angel. She stood by me and kept me alive when others had written me off. My stepfather is more like a father to me. He is an incredible, God filled man. He is the best thing that ever happened to my mother, and I know for a fact that God brought them together. If you want to see unconditional love between two people, all you have to do is look at them. I have modeled how I treat Becka after the way Steve treats my mother. I love them both very much indeed!


Good night and God Bless. I'm going to watch the debate and go to bed early. Thank you, so much!

Day Seventy Nine

It's Tuesday night and all is well. Becka had eight hours of Chemo today. The doctor said that he is thrilled with her blood counts and the way she is doing! Beck's Mom was with her today and met her doctor, so I'm sure it meant a lot to her for him to give such a great report. She is super strong I'm telling you! There is no way I could walk through this with such grace and selfless character. I am truly in awe of her. She hasn't been sleeping at night so he gave her something for that, and he also switched her pain meds to a smaller pill that she can swallow, but she never takes anything hardly. You can tell she doesn't have the "addictive" gene that I have. I would have already polished off all of the pain meds and would be working on my fifth or sixth bottle. The doctor of course noticed all of the weight that she has lost, but said she doesn't need her iron pills because her blood counts are so great!

I had a meeting today at work that went great actually. Afterward they took us all out to lunch and I broke my diet with a steak. When I got back to Winston, I called and found out that Beck's Mom had gone to get Autumn at school, so I went to the hospital to be with her. I walked in and they were finishing up her Chemo, so I loaded her in the truck and we came home. Becka has made some friends there, one in particular is always getting chemo on the same days as Becka. It's a fellowship of warriors. I would compare them to a group of Navy Seals. They are all in this together, and they are fighting for their lives. They are the strongest, bravest, most passionate people I have ever met. Becka has the type of personality that people always migrate to, so naturally she is nurturing others in their times of fear while dealing with the same things they are. Just one of the reasons why I love my beautiful wife so much.

I'm cutting this a little short because I have a headache and I'm hitting the sack early. Becka is doing good tonight so it's another great day in the books! Please if you will pray for my Mother and Stepfather. They are grieving the loss of their cat that has been in the family for eighteen years. She was a wonderful cat, loving and kind and a fabulous example of God's unconditional love. Her name was Angel, and if animals are in Heaven, I know that she is there. I know they are hurting and missing her, so please keep them in your thoughts.

Good night and God Bless.

Day Seventy Eight

Monday and business as usual. Becka is sick tonight even though she ate the Subway sandwich I brought her, so I gave her an anti nausea pill. She will probably go to bed soon. I'm going to adult Taekwondo class. Today has been an emotional day. I gave several people updates and it got to me. I think they knew it so they changed the subject, but I'm grateful that people really do care. Another emotional moment for me today was when I got home. I'm starved for affection and I'm not ashamed to say it. Becka and I have always had a very physical relationship, in the sense that when she walks by me, I always have had to reach out and touch her. We kiss every time we leave each other and when we return, and when we are in public, we have always held hands or stood arm in arm. Those things aren't something we had to think about, they just happened. It was subconscious most of the time, but ever since she has been sick, it has changed understandably. When I feel bad, I don't want anyone around me, and she has been sick for a long time. But today when I got home, she put her face against mine and told me she loves me. I can't express in words how that felt and how I'm going to carry it with me the rest of the day and in to tomorrow. I pray that all of you feel the same way about another human being as I do about Beck. We truly became one when we married. She is absolutely the best part of me that I can't live without. Everything is depending on her getting well.

I picked up the kids tonight and brought them home. They both gave me a hug when I saw them and I needed it. It's amazing to be loved and respected and depended on by great kids. They love their Mama, that much is for sure! I'm going to taekwondo and will write some more when I return. Peace!

Just got back from class and Becka is still up! She's watching "The Voice". Her feet are so small these days. She's never had big feet, but she's lost so much weight that they are skinny. I'm her foot stool by the way, and that's by choice! I love any kind of contact from Beck, even a poke and a dirty look when I'm a dork, lol.

Please say an extra prayer for her. She has chemo for eight hours tomorrow. I have a meeting at work, so I'll have to cheer for her through text messages. Her parents will be with her. I hope I can find something funny to send her a picture of. I guess it all depends on whether or not I make it to Walmart. I think that is where Jeff Foxworthy got all of his material!

God is good all of the time. One day I will understand all of this. Until then I'm trying to be grateful for the good that comes out of it. I know that we rely more on him than before, we definitely pray more than ever, our families have come together for one common goal, and our marriage is stronger than it ever has been. We have the kind of love that they write about, the kind you can see and almost reach out and touch. I really can't explain it because before I met Becka, it didn't exist for me. She's my angel, and I belong exclusively to her.

Thanks everyone and God Bless! Same time tomorrow God willing!

Day Seventy Seven

This Sunday has gone by faster than any I can remember. It has been another good day though. I had to go to work this morning, then came home and worked around the house. Beck has felt good enough to stay up all day and eat her steak from last night! She deserves a couple of good days because she has a full day of Chemo day after tomorrow. I'll take part of the day off to be with her and her parents will be there as well. They will be doing scans soon to tell how well the Chemotherapy is working, and how the radiation worked on the cancer in her brain. It's still hard for me to believe it. I'll be okay when they tell us that the treatments are shrinking the tumors and she in on her way to being cancer free.

We finally got some snow today and the kids aren't here. I wish they were because the roads are covered, but since they aren't here, I sold their sleds to the next door neighbor's kids! They are having a blast right now. Just kidding Andrew because I know you read this! I'm glad we are getting some winter weather. I was starting to believe Al Gore, (Not). I just hope it's gone soon. I have to drive a lot. Becka's parent's will be here until next Saturday. Then it will just be us. I'll expect the kids to step up, and I'm sure they will. They both think their Mom hung the moon.

God Bless and good night! I'm cutting this short so we can spend some time together before bed. I'm grateful for today and every day we have together, but mostly for days when she feels okay and can eat and enjoy life. God is truly good!

Day Seventy Six

Ask and ye shall receive. Everything that could have gone right today did! We had a rough night so we slept in this morning, but so far so good! Becka has been up all day and has been eating. Her Mom and Dad took us out to dinner. We had a fantastic steak at Lone Star and we brought some home for tomorrow. The weather has been beautiful as well. The fact that she feels good just goes to show that God is truly good. I'm sure that an early bed time is in the future. It helps me so much for Becka's Mother and Father to be here, just as it did when her sisters were here, and I don't mean with the housekeeping and cooking, even though they all are incredible with that. I mean it's such a calming and warming feeling for me to have them here. It's like going in to a fight with back up instead of alone. Becka has so much support from her friends to prayer warriors that don't even know her. I think that people who pray for others that they don't know will receive blessings for their faith. At least I hope they will!

I'm grateful for good days like this. Life has slowed to a turtle's pace and I am glad. It allows me to look around and see the good in everyone and everything. I used to look at all of the bad and I would point it out because to do so gave me a sense of superiority. "At least I'm not as bad as he is".....is what I would say. Now I try to find the good in every person and situation. It's hard to do but with Becka on my mind all of the time, it puts me in a different mentality than I've ever been before, and I want to be pleasing to God. I don't argue as much as I used to either. It all comes down to, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy"?

I just put Beck to bed. I warmed up the bed and pillow with the hair dryer first. It makes me wonder if I could invent a new type of bed warmer. Maybe you'll see me on TV. Becka has had a full day but she's sacked out. We received a blessing today that is incredible. The ones who blessed us want to remain anonymous, but they know what I'm talking about, and I can't say thank you enough. You are truly a blessing to everyone who knows you!

I'm going to watch the race for a few then go to bed. Good night and God Bless everyone!

Day Seventy Five

Friday night and I'm eating fat free, no bake cookies. They are excellent, when you are starving to death. The kids are gone to Raleigh for the weekend so we are going to rest, even though I have to work in the morning. I'm so grateful for my job. I can never say that enough. I know that there are good hard working people out there that want jobs and can't find one. I pray with all of my heart that everyone can see what a failure Washington is and that they want a change. We are the only ones who can do it. I want to leave our kids a better future than we had, and I know that all of you feel the same way.

Becka is fasting again. She's not eating and we have to get some nutrients in her one way or another. We are waiting on one of our favorite shows, "Undercover Boss". Her all time favorite show starts over Sunday, "The Amazing Race". The problem is that she can't stay up long enough. We have a bed heater on our bed that goes between the mattress and the bottom sheet, and she stays cold all of the time, so she spends a lot of time in bed.

I just put Beck to bed. I heated up her pillow with our hair dryer and helped her get comfortable. Now I'm drinking a cup of coffee and reading the bible for a few. I was reading from the book of Acts because I feel like the second coming is at hand, but I wanted to read about my wife so I went to Proverbs 31 verse 25: "Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come", and verse 12: "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life".

 I'm watching her as I write this. I cried for a long time today. It was the first time I've cried in a couple of weeks. I was telling a co-worker who I haven't seen in a while about Becka, and when I finished, I went in the motor room by myself and let go. I've accepted the fact that she's sick. I guess I'm just terrified. There I said it. I'm tired of putting on a smiley face and acting like it's okay. Every once in a while I need to be able to feel my feelings completely without suppressing them. I'm walking through this one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time, praying all day. One good thing about this is that I've never been closer to God in my life. I look at people during the day and smile, say hi and be cordial, but this cloud hangs over me all of the time. I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful. I guess I just need to write this. I pray every morning that God will make her feel good just for that day, and that the treatments are killing her cancer. It is all that matter to me. I'm wondering if there is anything more that I can do. I pray that God will keep me from getting hurt or killed only because I need to take care of her. This is in no way my burden to bear. It's my calling and I know now why God let me live this long. I know that we will never be a normal family again. Cancer will always be there, looming over us. I only want to hear and see joy in Becka's eyes again. It's been so long since I heard her laugh. I want to look across the room and see her hysterical, laughing so hard that she's crying. I don't want her tears to be of pain and fear anymore.

I know that God doesn't need to prove his love to us. He sent his son to die for us so that we may live. I guess I want him to demonstrate his power and heal her so that she won't wonder anymore what she did to deserve this.

Sorry to vent tonight. I need to be genuine so that you can help me through this, and I do need help. I love you all and pray for you as well. I'm a different man than I was a year ago. Tonight, I'm going to pet my dogs, pray for our kids, and watch my baby sleep. God Bless you all, really.

See you tomorrow Good Lord Willing!

Day Seventy Four

Thursday night and all is better! Becka has felt somewhat better today, although her best day is worse than most people's worst day these days. She's eating Thank the Lord, but she's still coughing and spending a lot of time in bed. I guess it is what it is, and if this saves her life then it's all worth it. God Bless the men and women who go to work every day and try to find a cure for cancer. Some scientists devote their entire lives to it. I'm praying for their happiness and success in their work!

I crushed my left thumb underneath a six hundred pound compressor today. I made a stupid mistake and I paid for it. The bad part was that I was alone at the time and I couldn't quite reach the crow bar to free myself. My thumb is flat and black but I think it will be okay. I didn't go to the doctor because I've broken fingers before and I know that all they would do is tape it up, and I can do that. I called and told my boss just in case I wake up in the morning and it falls off or something. Then I will take it with me to the hospital. Otherwise, it's going to be sore for a very long time.

I've got our washing machine in fifty different parts in our living room. I finally got to the main bearing and it is shot. I'm pretty sure I can fix it! I'll call about a bearing in the morning. That will be a lot cheaper than a washing machine! I'm soaking it in penetrating oil tonight and tomorrow I'll try to get it off again. I may have to drill it but I'm going to try the easy way first.

Becka is laying down and I'm taking Andrew to Taekwondo class. Be back in a bit and I'll finish up!

Back and I guess Beck is in bed for the night. She just feels lousy. I'm not going to mention my thumb anymore, unless I roll over on it in my sleep and I start crying again. Becka's Mom made some great vegetable soup for supper. It will be even better tomorrow. Becka actually ate some of it. I pray that she can keep it down. She has lost so much weight and she needs the vitamins and minerals. I'm looking down the road to when she feels good again. It's not a long road, but it's bumpy and has obstacles in it. We put our faith in God and prayer to get us to the end. Our strength comes from him working through all of you. God Bless and thank you!

Calling it a night! Same time same place tomorrow!

Day Seventy Three

Wednesday and life is complicated. We are truly living one day at a time. Today was about the same for Becka. She's not eating. I think she is afraid to after last night. She was incredibly sick and it was rough, and she's still sick tonight. I brought home barbeque for supper, but she didn't eat a bite. We are sitting on the bed right now watching a cool show called "Face Off". It's a competition between aspiring make up artists. It's one of her favorite shows. I gave her some medicine a little while ago and apparently it's working because she's sitting up beside me watching. She has to swallow her pills with ice cream but it works.

There are some emotions and thoughts that I can't share on here, but I do share them with someone I trust. Some of you know what it feels like to watch the person you love most in this world be sick for a long time. It envelopes me. There isn't a minute in the day that I'm not thinking about her, wondering if she is okay, and it's usually in those moments that she texts me. She seems to know when I need to hear from her. I can't imagine a life without Becka. She has to get well. She absolutely IS my life. My love for her is what makes me get up in the morning, go to work, and come home as soon as I can every day. Our future is what makes me look for opportunities to make extra money so that her and the kids lives can be enriched. I can't remember a day when I didn't think about how much I hate cancer, and the funny thing is that now it seems like everyone has cancer! Everyone I talk to knows someone who is going through treatment right now. It's like a fellowship. When Becka goes for treatment, the people there are like her family. All of them are fighting for their lives, and they do it together. That is why I understand the concept of the chemotherapy room. It is an open room where everyone sits in recliners and can see everyone else. It gives people hope and lets them know that they aren't alone. Fear should always be shared, so that love can be.

I'm walking through this with Becka to the finish line. It's not a race, but there is bliss waiting at the end. I pray for a day that my wife doesn't cry, that she doesn't hurt, and she can eat and enjoy her food. I want to see the scans and hear the doctor tell her that it worked and she's not going to die. Not right now anyway. We understand about powerlessness, trust me. We know that God is in charge and ultimately we will have to accept his will. I'm going to pray her well. I KNOW YOU HEAR ME UP THERE LORD! Please........

Night all and God Bless. See you tomorrow!

Day Seventy Two

Tuesday and I'm heartbroken. I have lost my wedding band. It fell off my finger somewhere today and there is no telling where it is. I'm going to buy one exactly like it. I have people looking everywhere I went today, but I don't have much hope in getting it back. It's still a good day because Becka got out of the house today and went shopping. I got a card and some Reeses for Valentines day, so I ate two Reeses cups and that was my dinner. Two of them are 4.5 grams of saturated fat. That's an entire meal! Considering the fact that I've been fasting and I only had two bananas and a tuna sandwich all day, I don't feel guilty. I'll burn it off at taekwondo anyway.

Becka went to lay down early. She's feeling very shakey but in no pain. I tucked her in to bed and I may take a nap myself. Just a power nap though. I'm so glad she's feeling better. Please God let this continue! Becka's Mom cooked baked spaghetti for supper. I wish I could have eaten some but I really want to lose weight. At least I got to smell it! Becka ate and that's always a good thing. She's lost forty pounds so far. Nothing has tasted good to her and she has had no appetite. I'm glad that has changed! I'll write some more later.

I just got back from a very good workout and I spoke too soon. Becka is sick. She's very shakey, nauseous, and she's coughing every other breath. She's been coughing and I pray that it's the tumor breaking up. She also has cold symptoms which isn't good at all. Her body can't fight anything very well right now because the Chemo weakens her immune system.This is how it started last time. She felt good for days after the Chemo, then she went down hill. Only time will tell. I will keep you informed for sure.

Things just took a turn for the worst. I just held her while she was violently sick, and she passed out and had a seizure. I know to just hold her and not let her fall and she will come right back, and she always feels better afterwards, but my heart is torn for her. I love her so much. I just gave her some anti nausea meds and a pain pill because she's hurting. She will hopefully be asleep in a few, but I'm going to watch her, so I'm ending this here. Please pray. Love you guys and gals and God Bless you as always.

Day Seventy One

Monday and all is well! My In-laws are here and Becka is feeling much better! I'm glad she doesn't have chemo for another week. Today was a very productive day at work, but I had to check my attitude at the door a couple of times. I seem to freak out when things don't go exactly as I planned, and I need to remember to accept things and people just as they are. I also need to remember that when I am mad or disturbed, there is always something wrong with me. It's usually that I'm losing something I think I have, or not getting something I think I deserve. I'm very grateful for the people who carried me to this place in my life and taught me a great deal about myself. All of my life, I never thought that I could be the problem. It was always someone else, or the situation that I was in, or circumstances beyond my control. It couldn't be my character defects or short comings. I have since learned differently. I'm glad because I can be better service to Becka and the kids. I've been looking back at my previous blogs and I'm so grateful to God for the way Becka feels today. It's no coincidence, there are no such things. God is good, and he decided she needed to feel good for a change! He heard your prayers and I'll never be able to tell you how grateful I am! Thank you so much! I'm grateful for your strength when I had none. I've been living in fear for so long and it feels incredible to see the lights come back on in my Baby's eyes. She doesn't cry at night anymore and we have hope, and all of you are a big part of that. Again, thank you! I'm going to get her in to bed and write some more later.

Just got back from Taekwondo. I'll be ready for the UFC soon. (Maybe they will let me help set up the cage). I didn't mean fighting, unless they let us use baseball bats, and I still wouldn't do it. We have two guest masters here from Korea. One of them is a nineteen year old Master and she's the National Champion in Form. The male master is a master in Extreme Martial Arts. I can see Andrew being a master one day. I'll just be happy with my black belt. As of today I've lost ten pounds and three inches off my waist. The diet is a breeze now because I know exactly what I want. I need to lose about twenty more, and I should be able to do that in a month. I want to be in the best shape I can be for Becka and for myself. It's nice to feel good in the morning. My other goal is to be able to do a full split. Give me about a year for that one if I don't tear a hamstring first.

I'm going to bed with my gorgeous wife. My heart goes out to all of you. I know that some of you are going through your own trials and tribulations as well, and tonight I'm praying for God's grace to go out to all of you. I'm also praying for his mercy on this nation and protection from the evil that is everywhere. It would be nice to turn on the news and not see where someone had been shot, blown up, or killed their kids. The devil is very busy these days because he knows his time is short. All I need to remember as far as he is concerned is that he runs from the name of Jesus Christ, and God is truly good all of the time!

Sweet Dreams!

Day Seventy

Sunday evening and it's been a long day but good! Becka has been doing well all day. She's feeling good so far and we are very grateful! She's eating and actually enjoying food, and she has some of her strength back. God is truly good! I started off the day by picking up my Father-in-law at the airport this morning. We came back to the house and had sub sandwiches for lunch, then they took off to Walmart and Andrew and I went to the movies. We saw "Star Wars, The Phantom Menace" in 3D. It was fantastic in 3D! Today was the first time I've ever been able to see 3D. Before this, my eyes just wouldn't see it, but there is new technology at the theaters and it jumped off the screen! We had a good time, then we came back to the house and Becka's Dad took all of us to Golden Corral for supper. Before tonight, I had lost eight pounds and four inches, but I'm sure I gained at least half of it back. It's okay. I'll fast for the next couple of days. I'm serious about losing thirty pounds. I feel so much better at 175-180.

We are watching the "Grammy Awards" and they are remembering Whitney. I look at Whitney's life and I say, "There but for the Grace of God go I". She had everything anyone could ever want, and the drugs took it all away. I understand that mentality, and I can relate to how she felt. The sense of hopelessness that comes with drug addiction is where the trap is. By the time I got to that condition, I couldn't see any way out of it, and I knew that the only way I wasn't going to die of an overdose was to end it myself, and I came so close, but God had different plans for me, and here I am.

Our washing machine gave out tonight. I think that it's broken a bearing in the back of the tub, but rather than take it the rest of the way apart, I'm taking it to a friend that knows what he's doing. If it costs too much, I'll just buy a used one. Until then, I've always enjoyed the laundramat! They usually have good video games.

I'm cutting out because I'm exhausted, but very encouraged! If Becka can keep this up after Chemo then the worst of it is over! God always answers prayers....sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no, and sometimes he says not right now, but he always answers!

Good Night and God Bless!!

Day Sixty Nine

Saturday and it's been fantastic! Becka has felt good all day and has been eating, and I've lost eight pounds and a pant size! I've been on a diet and I'm sticking to it. I REFUSE to be the old fat guy yelling at the kids. I'm going to be the old skinny guy yelling at the kids! Anyway, we got a bunch accomplished around the house today. Becka's Father will be here tomorrow morning. We are picking him up at the airport, and I'm so glad that she's feeling good! I think it will put his heart at ease to see how good she is doing. No matter how old she gets, she is and always will be his little girl. It will be so wonderful for him to be here. I know it will put my heart at ease, and this house needs some testosterone! I've been surrounded by women for months now, so much that I have started watching Dr Oz. Maybe now we can watch Sportscenter after Lifetime!

Supper was good and GOD BLESS Klondike company! They have put out ice cream bars that only have 100 calories and 1 gram of fat. I had seventeen of them. (Just kidding). Can you tell I'm in a better mood? All of my emotions revolve around how she feels. We have always been connected emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes psychically. We have been known to say off the wall things at the same time, call each other at the exact same time, and feel the same pain. Right now she's dealing with something all to herself, but I want her to know every day that she will never have to deal with it alone. I'm right here where I belong.

All is well tonight because of your prayers and because of a loving Heavenly Father that hears them. Tomorrow is going to be awesome as well because we are going to make it that way. Good night and God Bless all! Hug the one you love!

Day Sixty Eight

It's Friday evening and all is well. I have a couple of questions for all to ponder. Number one, How powerful is God? Number 2, does he hear our prayers? And Number 3, How much does he love us? I know the answers to all of those questions tonight just by looking at Becka. She's had a very good day! No pain or nausea, and she's eating tonight! She's still weak and that will take time, but this is awesome. I feel like God has reached down and wrapped his hands around her. He knows how scared she has been and still is, and he knows how sick she has been as well, so he's giving her a reprieve. I pray that her body is adjusting to the Chemo and it stays this way. I just got back from Walmart. I bought her a bath seat so she can sit down in the shower. She's still shaky and can't stand for very long, so this will help her to actually enjoy taking a shower. She was up last night though. She couldn't sleep so we sat up and watched TV at 2:00 in the morning.

 I sometimes feel like life will never be normal again, and maybe this is normal, but I think it's time to stand up and take back my house. I've been letting Cancer beat down everyone here, and I need to stand up and tell it to go to the corner. Becka has always said that she has cancer, but it doesn't have her, so I'm going to do my best and be the spiritual leader that God wants me to be, but before I do that, I need to get right with him, and not just when I'm here. I need to act the same way all day and I haven't been. I know from doing a personal inventory that I've been moody and ungrateful, partly because it's easier to act that way. Change is hard (just ask anyone in Washington), but I'm going to do my best to treat everyone the same from now on. I need to forgive on the spot, and ask forgiveness as well. I need to stay away from gossip and set an example for the kids. We don't have to live under a cloud of doom unless we chose to, and I don't want to.  God IS going to heal Beck, and all will be well. Then we can go back to worrying about other things, like the fact that Autumn will be driving next year. I've already been working with her, so by the time she gets her permit, she will be ready for the Daytona 500.

I'm going to call it a night and sit here with Beck and her Mom watching Wipeout, rub her feet and go to bed. I need to read a little too. Good night and God Bless. Your prayers are working, so thank you so very much!

Day Sixty Seven

Thursday evening and all is well. Today has been a better day for Becka. She has felt better and has ate a little, but she still has absolutely no energy. I just got back from Taekwondo and she's asleep. I'm not far behind her. I'm going to get the kids in bed then turn in myself. I love curling up next to her, laying there watching her breath in the darkness. She says she feels like it's easier to breath, so maybe the Chemo is dissolving the tumor. I can't wait for them to scan her and tell us it's working! When she gets well, it's going to be a night like tonight when she and I will be walking on the beach, feeling the sand beneath us and smelling the ocean. The moon tonight is so big that it looks like it's in the back yard. It's absolutely beautiful.

 It seems like ever since Becka got sick, I notice things that I didn't before. I don't get as mad at people who cut me off in traffic. I don't take it personally when someone is short with me, because I have no idea what they are going through at home. I make a point to pray for whoever I tell that I will, and I'm talking to God more now than I ever have since I was saved. I'm trying my best to see the beauty in the world rather than the negative. I have always been very political, conservative, Republican by choice, and I looked for the bad in Democrats, but today I prayed earnestly for our President. Even though he and I may differ greatly on which way this country should go, I saw him today as a man who went to law school, excelled in everything he's done in his life, raised a family with beautiful children, (and he's obviously a great father), and made it to the highest office in the land. Those are incredible accomplishments that should be admired, so I prayed for his safety. This life is so short. I can either fill my day with fear, resentment, rage, hate, and other negative emotions, or I can do what my Heavenly Father tells me to do in his word, Love him with all of my heart, and all of my mind, and all of my soul, and love my neighbor as myself. I've found from experience that the latter of the two works much better!

I'm going to kiss my wife, rub her back, and fall asleep listening to the sound of her breathing. I pray that I fall asleep that way for the rest of my life. I can't see it any other way, or my gut gets all twisted, I can't breathe, and I'm no good to her or anyone else. Sweet dreams all and God Bless! Hope to see you tomorrow!

Day Sixty Six

Wednesday and my heart hurts. I just put my Baby in bed at 6:00 in the afternoon. The Chemo is kicking in and she's feeling lousy. She was shaking, nauseous, and her head was hurting, so I gave her some meds and she laid down. It's like a bad dream that never ends sometimes. I'm so ready for her to feel good again. I understand now why some people opt to not go through the treatment, but she's strong and her will to get better is ferocious. I look through the dark bedroom and see her laying there peaceful since the medicine has kicked in, and I try to think of things that will enrich her life. I know I can't wish this cancer away, but I'll bet WE can pray it away. How about we give it a try! I know that many of you who are reading this pray for Becka every day, and I'm here to tell you, God hears your prayers. She is going to recover from this. God WILL heal her. I can't see it any other way. My whole life and future depends on it. I'm not trying to sound selfish, but when it comes to Becka, I am absolutely selfish. She's that special. Her love accounts for a large portion of the joy in my heart. I don't just "want" her to get well, I need for her to.

She's resting peacefully now. I'm waiting on the Duke / Carolina Game to come on. I'm hoping for the hat trick this week. The Giants won the Superbowl, Rick Santorum won three States yesterday, and Duke will beat Carolina....that will be the triple threat! I pray that Rick Santorum wins the nomination. We need conservatism to lead us out of financial bondage, and he's the best candidate. I've been trying to convey to our kids how important and how dangerous things are right now, with all that is going on in the world, it's like reading from the book of Revelations. Israel has no choice but to attack Iran soon. Egypt and Syria are in states of turmoil, and the stage is set for the return of the Lord. The kids ARE going to know how important these things are whether they want to or not. Talking to teenagers is like arguing with a talking wall that sends a text message every five seconds.

I just got back from picking up Andrew at Taekwondo. We have some guest Masters this week. One of them is only nineteen years old, and she's the National Champion in Form, (Poomse). She and another young master are here from Young In Taekwondo Academy. To watch them is absolute poetry. Becka is still asleep. As bad as she was feeling, I hope she sleeps all night, even though she didn't eat anything.

Our lives are permanently altered. Our future plans are unclear, but we have one common goal. Stand by her until she is well. No matter what it takes. We will be moving soon. I can save five thousand dollars a year by moving just a couple houses away. The same size house and I can move us with a wheel barrel. It's a no brainer, but we are waiting for the go ahead. I hate to move, but to save four hundred dollars a month, I'll move everything in this house by myself! I would love to stay here, but it's not feasible. We need the money.

Good night and God Bless all. Please pray for my wonderful, sweet, beautiful, Angel of a wife. For those that don't know her, take my word for it. She's the most giving, caring, lovely woman I have ever met. I still don't know why she chose me, but I'm eternally grateful and dedicated to her. She owns my heart!

Day Sixty Five

Today has been a good day but this diet is horrid! I keep telling myself that I want to lose weight more than I want to eat. In my experience, the first two weeks of a diet are the worst, but after that it's a breeze. I'm going to lose thirty pounds no matter what. I want to be in better shape and I know from experience that I feel better at 180 lbs. My clothes fit better, I'm faster, I have more wind, and I feel better overall. The goal is to keep my saturated fat content below 30 grams per day, then after a week, I'll cut it down to twenty. The weight will fall off of me. The older I get though, the harder it is to lose weight. I think it's because age makes cookies taste better!

I just got back from Taekwondo. My legs feel like rubber so I'm not going tomorrow night. My body needs to heal before sparring class Thursday. Becka is feeling good considering she had Chemotherapy today. It didn't take long at all this time. Her Mom went with her so that I could go straight to work. I had planned to go with them but I got called in on an emergency. She said it went well. They give her all of her medicine through her Port-a-cath in her chest. They also draw blood from there so that her arms don't get sore. It really was a good idea to have it put in. Otherwise, she would be like a pin cushion.

I realized tonight that I have a resentment and I need to pray for someone. I've learned that whenever I'm resentful towards someone, that means there is something wrong with me, no matter how they may act. I'm going to try praying for him every day for thirty days.

My beautiful wife didn't take a nap today so that she may sleep all night, so we are calling it a night. God Bless all! Please pray she keeps feeling as good as she does.

Day Sixty Four

Monday night and we just finished supper. I'm writing early because I'm going to Taekwondo tonight and work off some frustration I hope. Today was productive, but I'm just not in to it these days. I try every day to do the best job I can for my employer, but my heart stays here every day. A second doesn't go by that she isn't on my mind. I find myself pleading with God in my prayers, acting as if he doesn't hear me, but I know that he does. He hears every prayer of his children. I just wish I knew his plan. Becka is determined to get well, but she is so sick, and now she is getting Chemo every week. I'm going with her in the morning, then I'm going to work. I'm blessed to work for a company that will let me set my own hours. As long as I get forty in before Sunday every week is all that matters. Sometimes I work four ten hour days, and sometimes I work on Saturday, but I'm out of vacation time already so I have to make it work. The fact that Becka's mother is here is such a blessing. She is an Angel from Heaven above, and so are Debbie and Ruth. Debbie went home early this morning. She called a bit ago and said she's almost home, so our prayers for her safety were answered! I knew she would be emotional this morning. I wish we lived closer to Becka's family. We need to organize another reunion SOON!

I'm sitting on the back porch writing this. It's cold outside, but I like the solace. My mind is all over the place these days and any distraction throws me off........oh look a bird! (Wondering who got that). I don't want to go work out tonight but I need to. I'm trying to lose some weight before June so I can compete in sparring at our tournament coming up. I wish I had started Taekwondo at the same age as Andrew. By the time he's eighteen, he's going to be fierce! He's already fantastic because he's a natural. The kid is good at everything he does. I took him shooting a couple of weeks ago and he was center mag. I once bet him he couldn't shoot an arrow through a three inch in diameter hole from forty feet away. I lost, on one shot. He wants to go kill Bambi, and I'm going to take him, but first I want to see his golf swing! (Tiger #2, without the drama). He also plays the violin by the way, and he's great with tools. I told you, the kid is gifted. Autumn is a very talented artist, so much that she was accepted in to the art apprentice program at school. I can see her work published or in a gallery one day. Dillon is a superb cook. If he takes it seriously, he will have his own cooking show on TV one day, opposite Rachael Ray. Either way, I fully expect the kids to get rich and support me one day. I'll take a used boat and a used truck, and a lifetime membership to RushLimbaugh.com and Golf Digest, and I'll be happy.

All of our lives depend on Becka getting well. She's the glue that holds our family together. The kids think she hung the moon, and I know that she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I would probably be already with the Lord if she hadn't come in to my life. She gives me hope, and a reason to get up and do the right thing every morning. She's my Lady, and truly the love of my life!

Gotta run for now. God Bless and thanks! Good Night!

Day Sixty Three

Superbowl Sunday! We just had supper and we are watching the game. So far so good. I'm pulling for the Giants. I haven't liked the Patriots since they got caught cheating, but I'm sure they all do, except for the Redskins that is. Becka is feeling better tonight, even though she hasn't eaten. She has lost almost forty pounds since she started treatments. I'm grateful for the meal replacements that GNC has to offer. Basically everything tastes horrible to her. The chemotherapy has taken away her appetite and affected her sense of taste to the extreme. We keep trying different things hoping that something will taste good to her.

Today has been a good day. I got a lot accomplished. I washed, dried, and put away four loads of clothes. I stripped our bed and washed the sheets and comforter, then I remade the bed, cleaned up our bedroom, cleaned up the driveway and walkway, put freon in Debbie's car airconditioner and replaced her wiper blades, went to the bank, and cooked pancakes for breakfast. I love it when I look back at the day and it was productive. I still need to iron my work shirts, but I'll do that at halftime.

My heart feels so much better, because Beck is feeling better tonight. We had an emotional time this afternoon when we were alone, but she knows that she's going to beat this. There is no doubt in her mind. There are so many things we need to do together. I'm going to spend more time in silent prayer every night, and a lot more time in God's word. How am I supposed to know what God wants for me if I don't read the instruction manual. I watched some videos today from several people on youtube. They were all testimonies and the names of the videos are "I Am Second". The one that touched me the most was from Scott Hamilton. He recovered from cancer several times, and he gives all credit to God. I give God every bit of credit for everything good that has happened in my life, and I will give him the credit when he heals Becka, because the Doctors wouldn't have the knowledge or the medicine to cure her cancer if God didn't give it to them. God is either everything or he's nothing. Jesus Christ was either God as a man, the Messiah, the savior, or he was a lying lunatic. I believe God is everything, and Christ is Savior and Lord.

Well it's back to the game! God be with you all! Thanks for the prayers. Please keep praying for Becka!

Day Sixty Two

It's Saturday and I'm insane. Of course I've known that for a while now. Overall, it's been a pretty good day though. Becka is laying down and I wouldn't be surprised if she slept the rest of the night. I went to High Point by myself today. It was nice spending time with God, and I made a little money. Today has seemed like a blur. It has flown by, that's for sure. It has rained for most of the day which makes it dreary. At least Becka has eaten today. Her appetite seems to be coming back.

I prayed for our President today, and I prayed for this nation. I also prayed that God would direct my thoughts and actions. I've been walking around looking for a target to take out my frustrations on and I'm praying for all of that resentment to be removed. I know that love and hate can not live in the same place, and I want to be as much help to my wife as I can be.

I just woke up from a nap with Becka. I mean to lay down for a second with her and woke up two hours later. I'm going back to bed after I put vitamin E behind her ears for her. She is out for the night. I'm very grateful for my friend Al and his wife. They came by and prayed with Becka today. He told her how he was diagnosed with stage four cancer and given six months to live, thirty five years ago. God healed him, and he's going to heal Becka too. It's amazing how God works. Al and his wife are from Brasil, and they knew the same people that Becka and her Mom and Sister knew. Small world!

Good night all and God Bless. Superbowl tomorrow!

Day Sixty One

It's Friday and Becka's Mother is here! Her flight went well, so well that it was early and she was waiting for them when they got to the airport. I'm so glad she's here. I wish Ruth was still here so that all of the King women would be in one place. Becka has had a difficult day. She has absolutely no energy. I just got off the phone with her doctor's office. She's having trouble swallowing her medication. They gave us some ideas like putting the pills in apple sauce. I dream of a day when she doesn't have to take anything.

I cooked burgers on the grill for supper tonight. They turned out pretty decent. Everyone including Becka ate one, well, she ate part of one, but it's a start! She hasn't been eating hardly anything and I can see the weight falling off of her. It's hard to eat when everything tastes like metal. Her system is so messed up right now because of the life saving stuff they are pumping in to her. When she's well, we are going to her favorite restaurant, (Geghis Grill). Then we are going to my favorite restaurant, (Le Blon). Of course we will have to sell one of the kids to eat there.

I'm taking Andrew skating in a little while. We have to pick Autumn up at the skating rink at 10:30, so we are going at 9:30 and skate for a while. I used to skate every weekend when I was a child, and I was pretty good at it. Actually, I was the best ever. I was once crowned "Grand Pooba Skate Master", and was decorated by President Reagan for my skating ability. The Olympic Committee said I was too good to compete......okay you get the gist. It will be good for Andrew and I to get out of the house and do something together.

Becka is going to bed early. Have I said lately how much I hate cancer? How about I say instead how much I love her. I look across the room at my wife and she looks more beautiful every second. I can tell how happy she is that her Mother is here. I just helped her get in bed, gave her a pill in some apple sauce and it went down, and I put hemp lotion on her head and some vitamin E behind her ears because she has blisters there. I really hate cancer.

I'm going to get ready to go skating since Becka is in bed and in good care. God Bless and sweet dreams!

Day Sixty

It's Thursday and it's been a difficult day. Mentally and Spiritually I've had a better day, but physically I've had a piercing headache all day, so this is going to be short. I came home and went straight to bed for a couple of hours, and now we are watching a show called "Face Off". It's a competition between a bunch of make up artists. Becka woke up from a nap at the same time I did. She was sitting up on the couch when I walked in the living room. I'm going back to bed soon. I think I may have what Autumn has had for a couple of days. I guess I need to stay away from Becka as much as possible.

Becka is doing okay but is very tired. She has felt good today except for the fact that she has no energy. She usually feels pretty good for about a week after Chemo. Hopefully her body will adjust to it and she won't have as hard of a time as she did last time. I pray that God thinks she's been through enough. I talked to God quite a bit today, asking for forgiveness and for him to direct my thoughts and actions. I know that I'm a different man than I was, but I want to be a different man than I am. Change is hard, but it's not an inside job. I have to change from the outside in. I can't change how I feel, but I can change what I do and how I act, and the fact is, what I do and how I act will change how I feel. I hope that makes sense!

I feel so much better tonight than I did all day. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of Becka. I can't express in words how grateful I am that Debbie is here. She cooked supper tonight and took Andrew to Taekwondo. Becka's Mom will be here tomorrow! I'm looking so forward to that. It will mean the world to Becka for her to be here.

I'm going to bed early. Good night and God Bless!

Day Fifty Nine

It's Wednesday night and I just got home from work. I'm happy to report that Becka has felt great all day, with the exception of some heartburn! She and Debbie went to Walmart to plan supper for the rest of the week. Autumn stayed home from school again today. She's got a bad cold or the makings of a sinus infection. The kid doesn't stay home unless she's sick. We are keeping her away from Becka. I taped off the upstairs with yellow CAUTION tape and called in the haz mat team. I'm going to cut a slot in her door to feed her through, like they do prisoners in solitary confinement. Just kidding but we have to be careful about anyone who is sick right now. Becka's immune system is weakened by the Chemotherapy, but the drugs they gave her yesterday have seemed to make her feel "not too bad".

Everyone I see or talk to during the day asks about Becka, so I stop for a minute to tell them how she is doing. I'll never get tired of that, and I love days when I can say, "She's doing pretty good", like today. Life is truly "One Day At A Time" for us. I know that is how I'm always supposed to live, but it takes on a new meaning now. I treasure every day that we are together. I never want to get complacent in my marriage and take it for granted. I've been guilty of that in the past. I kind of put everything on cruise control instead of taking the bull by the horns and MAKING the day good. Those days are gone I can assure you. I want to spend every day of my life enriching hers in some way. There is no greater sound in the world today than the sound of her laughter. I pray that I never go completely deaf so that I will always be able to hear her voice, even if she is mad at me.

Going to take a break for a bit. I might even take a nap! God Bless and I'll write some more in a while.

Okay, I just got back from work. I had to go back out and fix some outside lights that didn't come on. Nothing worse than a dark parking lot. I need some type of stress relief. I snapped at Becka before I left. We had our first argument since she got sick. It lasted all of five minutes, but it proved that we are still human. Trust me, she may be sick, but she can still let me know when I'm wrong, and I was. She accepted my apology and it's all good. We have both been stressed out big time. I forgot to pay our water bill and the water company came and turned our water off today. I called and payed it over the phone, and they came out and turned it back on, but it tells me that I need to concentrate and get organized. It just seems like I live in a bubble sometimes and I'm trying to think about too much. I can remember a time when I would medicate my mind when it was going too strong, but today that's not even an option. I'm grateful for my life, the good and the bad, the light and the dark.

 I opened up and let Becka in on a secret that I've been keeping to myself. Ever since she got sick, I've been mad at God. Don't get me wrong, I pray every day, and I'm grateful for what he has done in my life, but as far as Becka is concerned, I've been mad from the start because it has never made sense to me. I need to try and remember two things. First, God didn't give her cancer, and Second, this doesn't have to make sense to me and it might never, but I do need to accept it. I also need to feed my soul more with his word and with other Christians. My ego tells me I can handle this, but I know from experience that I can't handle anything without him. We haven't been to church in a while because she has been so sick, but I do need to start going to a prayer group at  the very least, and be honest about my feelings. Prayer is a wonderful starting point, but I'm still praying by myself, and my mind doesn't do well alone. I need the fellowship of other Christians so that God can work and speak to me through them. He gives me this knowledge, so all will be well. It's okay if I got mad at God. He's big enough to handle it. I'm just glad he's not mad at me.

I'm going to bed early so I can start early. God Bless all of you and thanks so much! Please continue to pray for God to heal my gorgeous wife. She's the most precious creature in the world.

Peace!