Friday night and I'm eating fat free, no bake cookies. They are excellent, when you are starving to death. The kids are gone to Raleigh for the weekend so we are going to rest, even though I have to work in the morning. I'm so grateful for my job. I can never say that enough. I know that there are good hard working people out there that want jobs and can't find one. I pray with all of my heart that everyone can see what a failure Washington is and that they want a change. We are the only ones who can do it. I want to leave our kids a better future than we had, and I know that all of you feel the same way.
Becka is fasting again. She's not eating and we have to get some nutrients in her one way or another. We are waiting on one of our favorite shows, "Undercover Boss". Her all time favorite show starts over Sunday, "The Amazing Race". The problem is that she can't stay up long enough. We have a bed heater on our bed that goes between the mattress and the bottom sheet, and she stays cold all of the time, so she spends a lot of time in bed.
I just put Beck to bed. I heated up her pillow with our hair dryer and helped her get comfortable. Now I'm drinking a cup of coffee and reading the bible for a few. I was reading from the book of Acts because I feel like the second coming is at hand, but I wanted to read about my wife so I went to Proverbs 31 verse 25: "Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come", and verse 12: "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life".
I'm watching her as I write this. I cried for a long time today. It was the first time I've cried in a couple of weeks. I was telling a co-worker who I haven't seen in a while about Becka, and when I finished, I went in the motor room by myself and let go. I've accepted the fact that she's sick. I guess I'm just terrified. There I said it. I'm tired of putting on a smiley face and acting like it's okay. Every once in a while I need to be able to feel my feelings completely without suppressing them. I'm walking through this one day at a time, sometimes one second at a time, praying all day. One good thing about this is that I've never been closer to God in my life. I look at people during the day and smile, say hi and be cordial, but this cloud hangs over me all of the time. I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful. I guess I just need to write this. I pray every morning that God will make her feel good just for that day, and that the treatments are killing her cancer. It is all that matter to me. I'm wondering if there is anything more that I can do. I pray that God will keep me from getting hurt or killed only because I need to take care of her. This is in no way my burden to bear. It's my calling and I know now why God let me live this long. I know that we will never be a normal family again. Cancer will always be there, looming over us. I only want to hear and see joy in Becka's eyes again. It's been so long since I heard her laugh. I want to look across the room and see her hysterical, laughing so hard that she's crying. I don't want her tears to be of pain and fear anymore.
I know that God doesn't need to prove his love to us. He sent his son to die for us so that we may live. I guess I want him to demonstrate his power and heal her so that she won't wonder anymore what she did to deserve this.
Sorry to vent tonight. I need to be genuine so that you can help me through this, and I do need help. I love you all and pray for you as well. I'm a different man than I was a year ago. Tonight, I'm going to pet my dogs, pray for our kids, and watch my baby sleep. God Bless you all, really.
See you tomorrow Good Lord Willing!
