Alone

I needed to write tonight. I hope you don't mind, but I'm a ball of emotion and I have been all day. I guess it helps me to see how I truly feel by writing it down and looking at it myself, so here goes. I woke this morning and, as always, realized that Becka wasn't there, so instead of getting upset, I became angry, and I stayed that way all day. The funny thing is that I didn't take it out on the kids or anyone else. I kept it bottled up all day until tonight. I usually pray in the mornings. This morning I skipped it because I really didn't feel grateful for anything. Don't get me wrong, I have loads to feel grateful for, but I get tunnel vision when it comes to Becka, and I'm really P.O'd that she isn't here anymore, so basically I wasted a whole day being angry until I got to the cemetery. That is when the flood gates opened and I wept for the longest time. I didn't stop on the way home either, and when I got home, Dillon asked me what was wrong and all I could say was, "I miss Beck". 

I've made a decision to go through the grieving process. I've tried my best to avoid it, but I only cause myself more pain. I've been putting myself in positions to get hurt, knowing what was coming, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel differently, even normal again, but I know now that I won't for a long time, if ever. Beck was and is part of my soul. She was in every aspect of my life. My whole life revolved around her, and now that she's gone forever, I feel like I'm floating around from place to place. I know I have plenty of support, but I tend to isolate because I think I can handle things myself. I've always kept people at arms length because before Beck, I was let down so many times. I would give of myself as much as I could, but ultimately I would get hurt and it caused resentment. Then I met Beck, and I opened myself up to either be loved, or be destroyed. Luckily God knew what he was doing when he placed us together. She protected my heart to the grave, and when she told me she loved me, I believed her because she meant it. Now that she's gone, I fear that I will never experience that again. I have to give it to God and let him handle it for me, but I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I can still hear Beck's laugh and it tortures me. When I lay in bed at night, I reach over to her side, but there is nothing there. She's all through the house and at work. I'm always saying, "That is what Beck liked", or "Beck and I did that". I can't get away from it, and God knows I've tried. I have to face it head on, and realize that there is life for me still, and happiness again.

I loved being a husband. I loved everything about being married. I told Dillon tonight that I even miss arguing with Beck, because I knew we would make up. I keep memories of our early years at the front of my mind, and I treasure them. She was everything to me, so it makes sense that I won't be okay in a month and a half. Time is so precious, but I wish with everything in me that I could either make it go forward six months or backward six months. I hate where I am right now.

I'll end this here. I hope I didn't depress you too much. I guess I just needed to say where I am right now. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

Day 340 - The End of the Journey

Friday night and it's fitting that I'm alone. The kids are at their Dad's house in Raleigh. My son just left. It was nice having him here, but I'm glad that I'm alone for this. This hurts just as bad as everything else has, but I have to let go. It hurts me to write this and I need to heal at some point. The fact that so many have followed it is incredible, and it keeps Beck alive in your hearts. She will always be in mine, until  the Lord takes me home to be with him as well. 

I want to end with the beginning. Beck and I met on line believe it or not. God can use anything he wants to bring people together. We were both regulars in a Christian Chat room called CS1 on AOL. At first, we were friends. We talked back and forth, and then started instant messaging each other. I had given up on love and gave it to God. I really thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I thought that I deserved to be. When I met Becka, the thought of us being together never entered my mind. She was way out of my league. I had become accustomed to searching out the women with "problems". When someone said, "Who wants the sick one", I threw my hand in the air. I only got in to relationships that I could control. That way I could get out quick with no remorse. Living this type of life had made me spiritually sick, so I turned to God and asked him to do it for me. He had already done so much in my life by removing alcohol and drugs, I thought that I would let him pick my women for me too, so I was alone for a long time. That's when he put Becka in my life. He waited until I had time to heal, then introduced me to her. We chatted on line for a long time, then on the phone. We talked about everything just as friends do. That was when I told her she needed a "MYSPACE". We both created one and our conversations turned more personal. One night we were talking, and out of the blue I said, "I love you". I remember it like it was yesterday. The line went silent, and I thought she would hang up, but instead she said, "I love you too". I asked her if I could come meet her that weekend in Tennessee, and she said yes, so I rented a car and took off on a Saturday morning. My heart was pounding the whole way, and it seemed like it took only a few minutes to drive there. I called her and we met in a parking lot. She got out of the van and ran to me. I'll never forget. I couldn't see her face because the hair was hanging down, but she embraced me. When she finally did look at me, I melted. I didn't think she was real until that moment. I took her face with my hands and kissed her for the longest time. I was her's at that moment. I was in love. 

We spent the weekend together and started building our relationship. It was magical, until a few months in to it and I started getting attacked by the enemy. People told me that I didn't deserve to be with her and I would just ruin her life. My ex girlfriend got in touch with her and started causing problems. It seemed like it wasn't meant to be and everything was blowing up around us, so I ran. I told her I couldn't do that to her and ruin her life. I cut myself off from her and retreated. I was so miserable and depressed that I was suicidal. What I didn't know was that my Mother was calling Becka and begging her not to give up on me. She could see how much pain I was in. Time went by, about a month, and out of the blue Becka called me. I was at work and I saw her number pop up, and I figured she wanted to tell me off, so I gave her the chance and answered the phone. She asked how I was, and I told her I was miserable and didn't have anything left to live for. I said that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I loved her with all of my heart. I asked for forgiveness, and she gave it immediately. I wasn't used to that. I didn't know what was happening, but she came to see me that weekend, and I asked her to marry me on bended knee. She said yes and we were a couple again! I made a pact with God, that I would never run from her again if he would give me her heart, and he did. She claimed me as her own, moved to North Carolina, and we married in an Eighteenth Century church at Tanglewood Park here in Clemmons NC. It was the happiest day of my life! I had a family. We had our ups and downs, but we came through it all together with love. We spend every birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and anniversary together as a family. We were never apart. Everywhere I went, she went, except when I went to work, then I called her a couple of times a day. Becka was my life. She took my heart and loved it better than anyone else ever had. She forgave me for being stupid at times, and loved me through all of it. She was truly my soul mate. 

I know many of you have read my blog from the start, so you know how I feel about her. That hasn't changed one bit, with the exception that I love her more now than I did before. My mind is full of beautiful memories with her and the kids. We never doubted each other's love. We became one, as the bible says, because it's what we wanted to do. We had dreams and goals, some of which were met, but most were cut short by cancer. I look back and my heart turns to physical pain when I admit to myself that she's gone forever from me. I can't to this day see my life without her. I don't want to right now. I try to move on, but the fact is I still belong to her. She was my pride and joy, my trophy wife, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I keep making mistakes that cause me even more pain, but I'm learning from them. At least I hope I am. This pain will go away I pray. I know I can't feel this way for the rest of my life and live normally. I have faith that God will lead me out of it, and that he still has plans for me. I know now why God put me with such a wonderful woman. First he prepared me, then he gave me a job to do, and now I have a cross to bear. I loved every second of taking care of Becka. When she would look at me, I knew she was grateful and that she loved me. I was with her when she left, and I kissed her goodbye. She took a big part of me with her. I just hope and pray there is enough left for me to do what God wants me to. 

It has been my honor to write about Rebekah Lee King Patton, 11/12/1964 - 10/3/2012. If you knew her, you know she was wonderful. If you didn't, read my blog again. She's in there, I promise.

Until we meet again my love, I pledge to live the best life I can. I miss you terribly, and I don't know what I'm going to do without your wonderful laugh in my ear, but I'll make the most of it. I will see you soon Babygirl. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will love you always and forever. xoxo

Randy

Day 339

It's Thursday night and I just got home. The kids and I went out to Applebee's for supper. Andrew was home sick today, but he felt better this evening until we went out to eat, then he started getting sick again. He has already gone to bed. Please keep him in your prayers.

I had posted that I had accepted Becka's death and was ready to start healing. I think I jumped the gun a little. I keep looking for her, especially in the morning. Then I realize she isn't here and it kills me. My heart is so torn today. I keep looking at pictures of her and wondering, "What if"? What if we had gone to the doctor earlier? What if I had been more patient and loving at times? What if I had known the day and time she was never going to talk again? There are a lot of questions running through my head, but the biggest "What if" there is would be, "What if we had never met"? Would she have had someone to take care of her? Where would the kids be? Where would our friends be? What about our dogs and our home? Those questions bring me back to reality and tell me that I just need to cry some more. I have a long way to go to get through this. A very good friend brought be back to reality yesterday and today, and Sarah, thank you. You are truly, truly, a great friend. I pray that you and your family are always a part of my life.

I know that no one wants unasked advice. I also know that every marriage has it's ups and downs. I've heard it said that you have never been in love unless you've contemplated murder. I wasn't always the perfect husband, but Beck was always the perfect wife, because she had Christ in her heart. She knew how to forgive her absent minded, idiot husband. She knew how to end an argument quickly and with less pain. I say this because no matter what was happening in our house, we always knew we loved each other. I think back to every time I walked away mad, or raised my voice. If I could have one more hour with Beck, that would never happen again. Nothing is worth wasting one minute with the one I loved. I pray that everyone reading this will only see the good in their husbands or wives. Every time you look at them, imagine life without them. Imagine them gone forever with no chance of coming back, then when your heart is right, go to them and let them know TODAY how you feel about them. Life is too short. For Beck it was only forty seven years, and now I'm forced to spend what seems like an eternity without the greatest love in my life. I would literally do anything to touch her face, hold her hand, kiss her lips, or hear her laugh just one more time. This world is cold, confusing, and empty for me now. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm spending time with the kids. I sometimes reach for Autumn's hand when we are going down the road because I always held Beck's hand, then I realize what I'm doing and I try to concentrate. I go to the graveyard as much as possible and talk to Beck. I know she's not there, but the body I took care of and loved is there. It still means so much to me. I can't wait to see her headstone. It should he coming any day now! 

Only one more day of this. Tomorrow is the end, the last blog, I pray it has helped you understand how cancer takes so much more than just a life. It's evil and must be destroyed. For now, I will do my part, keep on every day, and pray that God gets me to the other side of this nightmare.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless. See you tomorrow I hope.

Day 338

It's Wednesday night and all is well. I feel great! I slept good last night, I've felt good all day, and I'm writing this early because I'm going to Taekwondo in about an hour. I had a GREAT class last night. It was so good to see everyone, and we had one hard workout! I loved it! My legs feel like spaggeti, but it's okay. In a couple of days the pain will be gone. The only thing missing at taekwondo was Beck. She loved it, and I wish you could have seen her face when she won a trophy in front of the entire class. There was this look of amazement, then emotion. She got up in front of the entire class and Master Lee gave her the trophy, then she gave a short speech. I was so proud of her. She had accomplished so much in a short period of time. I wonder what she's doing right now!

Okay, that is why I'm ending my blog on Friday. I love to tell Becka stories, but I don't make it through them without falling apart. About five minutes have passed since I typed that because it hit me all at once. I can picture her there and the look on her face was priceless. So many memories, so much to miss about her. Her happiness was what I lived for the last year of her life. Anything she wanted, I made arrangements to get, but Beck didn't want for anything. She was very simple in her wants and needs. I just wanted to make the last months of her life on this earth the best I could. Autumn and I went driving tonight. She's a great driver and I feel very comfortable riding with her. The entire time I was thinking that I wished Beck was there to see her little girl all grown up. Our little family will never be the same, but we are still family. Some things change and some don't, but the love we share for each other grows by the minute. Andrew wasn't feeling good tonight when he got home from taekwondo class. His stomach is hurting and I gave him a nexium, so please pray for him. He may have gotten too hot but I'll keep check on him.

I got my motorcycle permit today! One step closer to the ER! I'm going out riding this weekend with some guys. I need to be around guys right now. I'm lonely, hurt, and frustrated. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so the more testosterone the better! I know that I'm vulnerable, so I have to accept my limitations and weaknesses, and deal with the the way I think God would want me to.  It's all in his hands anyway!

I'm going to get ready for class. Sweet Dreams and God Bless! Only two more days of this. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's done Becka justice so that everyone will remember how wonderful she was. I will never forget. 

Day 337

It's Tuesday night and it's even colder today! I'm writing this early because Andrew and I are going to Taekwondo. I am looking very forward to it! Then I'm coming back and watching Mitt Romney give his acceptance speech, and I'm going to drive to DC to help Barack pack. Today has been an excellent day! I have felt great all day. physically and emotionally. I've had a great deal of help with that. My wonderful Sister in Christ Gina helped me through a difficult situation that I put myself in, and it resolved itself today. I thought I might lose a friend, a very good friend, but it turns out that my friends care more about me than one mistake. I'm very grateful! I went and saw Beck today, which means I went to the graveyard. I still feel close to her there. I talked to her about some things that are going on, and I felt a sense of calm come over me. It was like God was telling me things will be okay, again. He has done that so many times lately, starting with the night he came and took her away. Today I have no regrets. I'm okay with the whole situation because I know it's going to turn out the way God wants it to.

I had a couple of appointments today, then I went to the DMV and picked up a motorcycle manual so I can study. I want to pass the test before this weekend because it's supposed to be up near seventy here! It's hard to believe since it's so cold right now, but it will be perfect riding weather. The dealership I bought my bike from said I can sponsor a "Ride for the Cure" in Beck's name! I'm definitely going to do that. All proceeds will go to the American Cancer Society, and Cancer Services. Both organizations helped us, so I'm going to give back and broadcast Beck's name in the process! I'll keep you updated on Facebook.

I miss Beck and always will. The love we shared was unique for me. I had never felt it before, so I doubt if I had ever truly loved before. I have no idea what God has in store for me, but I'm grateful for every second he let me spend with Becka. She was everything to me, and I'm surprised that I'm doing this well. God has given me strength when I needed it and courage in the face of fire. There is no way I could have walked through this without him and all of you. I really do love you guys and gals. Thee is life out there for me, I know it. He hasn't carried me this far to drop me now.

I'm going to get ready for Taekwondo. I'm looking SO forward to it! It's time to reclaim my girlish figure, or at least lose some weight. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 336

Monday night and it's getting colder. Winter is just around the corner. I woke up this morning with one of the worst headaches I've ever had. I woke at six, took some aspirin and drank some coffee, then went back to bed for a bit. If I don't get well soon, I'm going to give up. It seems like I've been sick ever since Beck went in the hospital. I've been on steroids, then more steroids, then antibiotics, then more antibiotics. I guess my immune system is weak. I had to work with my boss today, so I toughed it out. I took a very hot shower and let the water hit me in the face. My head eased and I felt better when I got out of the house. I know I stay up too late at night and don't get enough sleep, but my mind just won't shut down. I think about Beck all of the time, and a thousand other things as well, until my mind goes in to overload. I was talking with a friend this morning who reminded me to think about one thing at a time and stay in today. There is nothing I can do about what is going to happen on Wednesday, and she reminded me of that. 

I'm going to end my blog this week. It's not about Beck anymore because she's gone, and I don't want you to hear me complain. I'll still be on Facebook, but this is a tribute to Beck and the fight she fought. She was a warrior to the end, and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. My life has to change and will. It has started already. I'm a different man than I was a year ago, and that's probably good, but to say I'm lonely is an understatement. I still feel like my arm has been cut off. I still can't believe she's gone forever. It's only been a month and two days, but it seems like an eternity. I'm constantly reminded of what I lost, and how much darker this world is. My heart is still broken, and my actions of late haven't helped that any. I can't go in to detail except to say that I know I could do better, but I seem to want to sit in my own misery and feel sorry for myself. Something will bring me out of this. Some things already have but only for a short time. It's okay though. I know it will get different, then it will get better. 

Friday will be the last time I write this. I pray it has helped you to understand how wonderful Rebekah Lee Patton was. She was the perfect wife, mother, sister, and daughter the world has ever seen. All who knew her are devastated still at her loss. We all though she was going to win, and when she lost, we all lost. I can't write this anymore because every time I do it brings it all back, and at some point I have to heal and move on. I think it's time, so Friday will be it. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's been a fitting memorial to the woman I love with all of my heart. I love you Baby!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 335

It's Sunday night and I just got home. It's been a very long day. It started off emotional, so I have to apologize to anyone who tried to call me this morning. I didn't answer the phone because I just couldn't talk today. I will call you back though. I needed to gather my thoughts. I cleaned the house and got the kids up and took them to Panera Bread for breakfast, then we went by my Mother's house and picked up Andrew's other chest of drawers that my Step Father put together for me. We came back to the house and Andrew went to his friend's house for the day, then Autumn went with Dillon and Sarah to the Mall. I needed the alone time, so I took a drive. I ended up at my Father's house, picked up my brother, then went to Greensboro and bought a motorcycle. Yes I did. It's a 2001 and it's new to me. It's a Harley Davidson Dyna Low Rider. I love it. It's the first thing I can think of that I've actually bought for me in a while, except for some new underwear, but can you believe it. They don't fit. I'm taking a class to get my motorcycle license. It's been years since I was on one. I rode it in front of the house when we got home, so it won't be long before it all comes back to me. We rode bikes for years as kids, dirt bikes that is. Then I rode as a teen and in my twenties. My father always had a motorcycle around, but this is different. This is a HOG! I would rather cut my arm off with a rusty saw than lay this bike down. I think it will help in my therapy. If not, I'll sell it. Harleys don't depreciate. 

It's late so this will be short. I took the kids to Olive Garden to eat tonight, along with Sarah and Dillon. It was fantastic but I ate too much, even though my plate was still full, so it will be a great lunch for the kids tomorrow since they are out of school for the next couple of days. Things are changing and I'm doing better, physically and emotionally. There are several reasons for that, but the biggest is because I want things to be better. God is in my heart, and I still miss Beck. I always will, but I'm coming to terms with things. I can see down the road now because some of the fog is lifting. I am working with my boss tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep.

I'm going to bed for the night. Sweet Dreams and God Bless. 

Day 334

It's Saturday night and I have to write this quickly because I have to go to work. I'm blessed to have a job! God has been so good to us today. He blessed us with a new vehicle! Autumn, her friend Dillon, and I went car shopping. We went to Carmax and found a Dodge that Autumn really liked. She wanted me to buy it on the spot, and I explained patience to her. We went to several other dealerships before we went to Parkway Ford in Winston Salem and bought an Explorer. It's an 08 but it's new to us! I LOVE it, and so do the kids. Autumn is going to drive it tomorrow. 

Today has been uneventful because we were on a quest, until the song "You look Wonderful Tonight" came on the radio. Beck and I used to dance to it and we played it at our wedding reception. I remember singing it in her ear, and her in mine, so naturally when I heard it today, I lost it. Autumn has a way of comforting me. I told her how much I miss her mother, and she understands. She misses her too. I can hear Beck's voice running through my head now. That beautiful voice. I wonder what it sounds like today! 

God has been too good to us for me to sit in misery today. I need to get out the door to work. I will write more later when I get home. God Bless and Good Night!

Day 333

It's Friday night and I'm feeling better. I think the medicines are working! I rested today and I needed it. I asked God to direct me, and he did. A couple of things happened today that I will talk about later, but for right now, they are between me and God. I can see part of his will for me, and that gives me direction. Needless to say, I'm back on track. I'm writing this early because I'm supposed to go out tonight with a friend of mine bowling. I'm tired but I already told him I would go, and a couple of other guys are coming as well. It's an official "Guys Night Out". I love to bowl. I used to bowl on a league and I throw a fingertip ball, but my friend Matt bowls all the time, so he will probably make me look bad. I won't be gone but about an hour because the kids are here. I took them to Starbucks a little while ago. 

As I drink my coffee and write this, it occurs to me that I only cried this morning. That is progress for me. I cleaned the house today and rested for most of the day. I caught up on sleep, and this morning when I woke and was drinking coffee, I got emotional. I always do in the mornings, but after yesterday, I've gained a level of acceptance about Becka. The only reason I grieve is because she's not here and I miss her, but like a friend asked me, if I could bring her back today, would I? The answer is a resounding "NO". I wouldn't take her from Paradise and from the presence of the Lord. So now I pray for more acceptance and for God to fill me with the Spirit and make my future clear to me. I'm more conscious of my actions and the fact that they hurt other people if I don't act accordingly. I fear that I have hurt someone close to me, but they know that I've been half crazy and I will get better. I have good friends that I love and love me, and this friend is especially forgiving. I intend to have them in my life forever.

I went and looked at something I am thinking about buying today. I looked at a motorcycle, and I'm not having a mid life crisis. If I do buy it, I'm going to take classes on safety. I've been riding motorcycles since I was young, mostly dirt bikes. The last time I was on one, I was riding a Honda down the road, went in to a turn, and the bike went straight through the turn. If anything had been coming I would not be here today. I'm not sure what happened, but the bike would not turn no matter what I did, so I rode off in to a field and laid it down. I haven't been back on one since, so part of this is to overcome fear. Beck and I had talked about buying a couple of bikes. She was interested in riding by herself. The bike I'm looking at is a soft tail custom Harley Davidson. I'll keep you informed.

Life without Beck is different, and I'm doing what I can to adjust. If I had my way, she never would have gotten sick, but since she did, I have to go on the best I can. I know there is a wonderful life out there for me, because I have it right here right now. I'm grateful for all of my blessings. All I need to do is look around and I have plenty to be grateful for. I know where Beck is, and she's doing just fine. I will see her again one day, so until then I'll just say, "See you later". I appreciate all of you more than I can put in words. You are all blessings to me!

Good night and God Bless! Sleep well!

Day 332

It's Thursday night and I'm going to try and get some rest. I went back to the doctor today and he said I still have pneumonia. He put me on more antibiotics and it should be gone by next week if I take it easy. It's been kicking me in the rear bad. I have no energy and I feel like I'm going to just go to sleep sometimes. I got up early this morning and got Andrew to the bus stop. I usually fix him an omelet in the mornings with cheese, ham, and bacon bits. He eats half and I eat the rest after I take him. I want him to have energy in the mornings. He hasn't had a headache since we bought his glasses! I came back to the house and cleaned up a little, then woke Autumn and fixed her lunch. She doesn't like eggs, and she mentioned that we didn't have any breakfast stuff, even though we have about seventy boxes of cereal, so I bought some cream cheese muffins, some bagels, and some cream cheese spread. She's happy. 

I worked all day by myself and got a lot accomplished this morning, but then I met the guy who I bought Beck's cemetery plot from at the cemetery around twelve. I bought the other three that he had. They are around Beck's plot so it's a family plot now. I have no idea where I will be buried because I donated my body to Bowman Gray School of Medicine as a cadaver.  but I thought they would be great investments for the kids. While I was at the cemetery, I visited with Beck. I go by a couple times a week. I have a little cooler on the truck that I use as a chair. I need to put one of our folding chairs on the truck. I sat and talked to her for a while, then I cried, and I talked some more, and I cried some more. I told her I didn't understand any of this and I missed her more every day. My mind is all knotted up sometimes. I'm still the man I was, (unfortunately), but so much has changed. I never dreamed in a million years it would be like this, or that I would or could hurt like this. So many memories are flooding back. I talked to Beck like she was sitting beside of me. I couldn't bear to think of her underground. I know that's not her, but it is the body that I washed, dried, put lotion on, held against me, and loved for a long time, so don't think for a second it doesn't mean anything to me. I was holding her feet when the Lord came for her. I kissed her lips as I was leaving the room for the last time. I told her I would see her later, and I will.

I left the cemetery and when I got back in the truck, it hit me all at once that she's never coming back. I don't think I've accepted it until today. I pulled over because I was crying and shaking, and I drove behind Waffle House to a parking space and just sat there. It overwhelmed me and I haven't cried like that through all of this. It was actually cleansing to me and I purged a lot of bad stuff right then. I prayed and God gave me peace like he did when she left, but I was physically exhausted. It took everything I had to drive back to the store I was working at. I didn't cry anymore, but my mind was racing. I had accepted that she is gone, and everyone knew something was wrong. My store manager hugged me and asked me if I was okay. I said no, but I would be in the future. I couldn't do much work after that. I changed a plug on a Mart Cart. (That's the cart that people ride in a grocery store). Then I bought some groceries and came home. I didn't feel like cooking, so the kids wanted Chinese. Autumn has Sesame chicken, Andrew had teriyaki beef, and we all had crab rangoon. It was good and they enjoyed it! That's all that matters. I'm making chicken in the crock pot for tomorrow. I will start it in the morning.

Today was emotional for me but I needed it. I also need to change course. I haven't been praying enough or reading he bible enough, and I don't reach out to people like I should. I keep everything bottled up inside until it explodes. I can't do this alone, so don't be surprised if your phone rings. God has put all of you in my life, and I need you!

It's bed time. Sweet Dreams and God Bless you all!

Day 331

Wednesday night, Halloween! Just another so called holiday that makes me remember Beck isn't with us. I took the  kids out trick or treating. Andrew dressed up and went to a few houses, but then wanted to come back home. Autumn and her friend Reagan rode with us. I really like Reagan. He's a good kid, and I love his Parents. He's very respectful and carries himself well. I only wish Beck could have met him. He's Autumn's first real "guy" friend. We took him home and he only lives about a mile from us. His parents named him after Ronald Reagan, if that tells you anything. 

Today was difficult because I'm still sick from the pneumonia. I'm going back to the doctor in the morning before I go to work. I know it's affecting my emotions. I thought about tonight all day. Beck and I used to dress up the kids on Halloween and take them trick or treating to a couple of neighborhoods that take it seriously. We would always tie the sliding doors open on the van so that the kids could jump out quick and get to houses. She and I would sit in the van and slowly follow them through the neighborhood. Beck loved to dress up as well. She would dye her hair and wear cool clothes. Everything we did was as a family. The kids would load up on candy, then come home and dump it all out, then they would split it. I'm glad all of that didn't happen this year. I would have cried through the whole thing. Andrew went around our neighborhood, then we rode to my Mother's house and he walked through their neighborhood. Only one house was giving out candy. In the past, I remember there were a couple of houses that were too spooky for the kids and I would get out and walk with them to the door. I loved the way Becka looked at me when I did things like that. She knew I would protect her kids with my life, and they knew it too. It was times like that which made us the family we were, and still are. Without her though, there will always be something missing. It's going to feel like that for a long time to come. Autumn asked me if I would ever marry again. I think she wants me to, because she even brought up a couple of people. Not replacements mind you. There is no replacement for Beck. I explained to her that it will be a long time before I think about that, because her mother still has my heart, and if I do remarry, it will have to be completely fresh and new. I can't bring anything in to it from the past. Autumn is very intuitive. She sees me crying a lot, even though I try to hide it, and she knows I'm lonely. There is an empty feeling inside of me that only God can fill. If I try to fill it, then it will be all wrong, so I'm patiently waiting on him. He's brought us this far and I trust him.

I put a couple of stuffed spiders and a strobe light outside. Andrew and I build a coffin last year for a Halloween decoration. It had a skeleton dressed as a pirate sticking out of the top. I told him that it wouldn't be appropriate this year, so we gave it to the neighbors. He and I will build other things. He's great with tools. I let him cut the boards, use the drill, and hammer it together. I even let him cut down a tree with the chain saw. He was thrilled! 

I'm going to bed very early, like in a few minutes. I need my sleep and I'm going back to the doctor. God Bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you, may he lift us his countenance unto you, and give you peace.

Sweet Dreams!

Day 330

Tuesday night and I just got home, again. Today was a very busy day. The supervisor of the Energy department came to my store and worked with me all day. I was up and down the roof hatch a dozen times. We did a bunch of work in hopes to save energy. I found myself talking about Beck all day and he listened. He's a good, Christian man who has been with the company for thirty years. It was fantastic of him to come and help me all day. He is the top dog at the company in the Energy department. He created the department and wrote all of our setpoints himself. There isn't anything he doesn't know about operations, and he loves to teach, so I was blessed to be with him all day. I'm constantly learning because I keep an open mind and don't act like I know something if I don't. 

I have to make this short tonight. I'm very tired and I need more sleep than I've been getting. I got home from work today and gathered the kids. We took off and went to the drug store to buy some bandaids and stuff, then we went to the Mall. Andrew told me yesterday that his new glasses were hurting his ears. I checked and sure enough he has sores behind his ears, so we took his glasses back and they gave him another pair. He picked them out and we went to Ruby Tuesday's for supper, then we went back and picked up his new glasses. He looks great in them and they fit much better! I'm glad because he hasn't had a headache since he started wearing them. God is good! He has blessed us recently. Even though Beck isn't here anymore, God is all around us, carrying us through this. 

I got home today and there was a package for me. It was from the funeral home. They made me cry finally. They sent me a candle holder with Beck's picture on it, a picture with a poem in it, and a list of grief counseling. There was also a beautiful card. It was the second time I had cried today. I always cry in the mornings when I wake up and she's not beside of me, and tonight I walked out and had a few minutes to myself when I opened the package. 

It's very cold and the wind is blowing. Winter is coming and the leaves are falling off the trees. Life is much different tonight than it was a year ago this time. I dread the Holidays. We are going to my Mother's house for Thanksgiving this year. Beck and I always hosted Thanksgiving, but I told everyone I couldn't this year. I'm cooking the turkey though. It won't be the same without her, but nothing ever stays the same. Change is a part of life, and I need to learn to deal with it. I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm better than I was a couple of weeks ago. We will make it through this together, and one day we will all be together in Paradise with Beck showing us around. I'll bet she's having fun tonight. I'm glad she's happy and not hurting anymnore.

I'm calling it a night. Sweet Dreams and God Bless. 

Day 329

It's Monday night and I'm lucky to be writing this at all because our internet is extremely slow due to the storms. The wind is blowing so hard! I thought that my neighbors had bought a porch umbrella just like mine. Turns out it was mine. I'm not complaining. I'm praying for those who live along the coast. I can't imagine what they are going through. I talked to my Sister in Christ Laurie today who told me that she was driving through a ghost town because there was no power. God please be with everyone there.

I haven't been home long. I just started a load of clothes and fixed me a cup of coffee. Becka would always say, "I smell coffee", and I would have already fixed her a cup. She loved coffee so much, she drank it out of a soup bowl. I still have them in the cabinet. I was going to get rid of them, but I changed my mind. There are several things I'm keeping. At first, it really hurt to look at some of Beck's things, and I gave a lot of it away to Autumn, Beck's Sisters, and her other sister Gina. Now it's okay because God has made it okay. I wear her robe. It's big and fluffy and warm, and it still smells like the sugar scrub she used in the shower. I'm never washing it. I also have many personal items which are put away, but I still get them out for some reason and torture myself. She loved Elvis, and I have a very nice collection of CD's. I'm wearing her gold cross. I gave her other gold necklaces to my son Dillon and Autumn. I have a serious set of women's watches, and when I look at them, they remind me of certain things Beck and I did because I can see her putting them on. I gave most of her clothes to Goodwill because that's what she wanted, but I have a couple of her favorite outfits. Don't worry, I won't wear them out anywhere.

Today was a difficult day for some reason. I thought about her all day and couldn't do my job very well, so I took off about two O'clock. I came home and picked up Autumn and we ran a couple of places, then I took her to the Mall and she got her ear pierced, again. She is so brave. She holds two of my fingers on my right hand every time. Her entire ear was red! I know it hurt, but she sat right there! She really is a chip off the old block. Beck had a very high threshold of pain. There were times when she was hurting but didn't want the kids to know, so she grinned and bared it. I was so in awe of her, and now that she's not here, I hurt in places I didn't know existed. I was climbing a ladder today and it hit me, so I had to just climb back down. I pray my boss has patience with me. He has given me so much latitude. I don't think it's a problem, but I'm going to try and do my best. My heart feels like it's going to explode sometimes and it devastates me. The only time I feel normal is when I'm with the kids. Autumn is her mother incarnate. She's smart, funny, intuitive, compassionate, and sarcastic when she wants to be. I see so much of Beck in her. 

I know that the more days I put together, the easier this will be. This is something I pray no one ever goes through, but many do and everyone handles it a little differently. I pray and call people. I'm glad that no one is tired of hearing me cry. The people who knew Beck and Me personally understand the love we had for each other, and they don't judge. I'm grateful for everyone reading this. God Bless you all!

Until tomorrow, Sweet Dreams and God Bless! I'm going to spend some time with the kids.

Day 328

It's Sunday night and it's cold outside! I'm feeling so much better, by the Grace of God. I totally rearranged the living room this morning, cleaned the whole house, and went to Lowes to buy a new lamp. I also bathed two of the dogs. I left the other two for the kids when they got home. It's been a good day. I put a bunch of stuff away and made a lot more room in the living room. The kids are in there playing with the dogs as we speak. I think it will help with healing. Change is good sometimes. I found an old notebook of Beck's today. Her hand writing is unmistakable. I put it with some of her other things I'm keeping. I never thought I would be a widower, never. I thought I would leave a widow here though. I still talk to Beck all the time like she's still here. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't care. I miss her just as much today as I did the first time I came home without her, but I can tell that God is healing my heart. I don't cry as much, but I was alone all weekend. It's usually when someone asks about her that I choke up. There are other times that are very difficult for me. I still reach over in the bed for her. Her stuffed frog has taken her place for now, and the dogs surround me. Mornings are hard as well. When I come out on the back porch to drink my coffee and watch the sun come up, I can almost see her sitting beside of me, waiting on the hummingbirds. Time will heal and change things I'm sure, but for now I miss everything about her. I have her voice on video. I watch it when I'm alone because I don't want the kids to see me cry. They are under enough stress as it is. Losing their mother is enough to deal with without seeing their step dad break down. I'm taking them to DC in a couple of weeks. I was going to surprise them, but I told them tonight. Now that I've been, I know where to take them. There are so many Art Museums there that Autumn will love, and Andrew will enjoy the Smithsonian. I'm going to see if my son Dillon can get off of work and go with us. 

God is working on me, I can feel it, and I've never felt closer to him in my life. Ever since Beck left us the way she did, it changed my way of thinking. I've never personally seen God in action until that night. He wanted us to know that he came in the room and took her. It's an experience that I need to witness to for the  rest of my life. As far as my human emotions go, every time I feel lonely or disconnected, someone always seems to call at that time with  the right thing to say. I'm not worried anymore about the future. I know he's in control and will make things right. For now, I'm a work in progress. I always will be when it comes to what God wants me to be. I'm not sure where I will be in a year, but I'm not concerned with it now. I just need to concentrate on what is right in front of me. Then I won't stress about what I don't have control over, which ultimately is nothing except how I act and what I do. I can't let anyone else determine my destiny. I have to seek his will for me and trust him. He knows what he is doing. I never have.

I'm so glad the kids are home. The house was way too empty. They are laughing together in the living room. Laughter is always good in a home. There has been too much sadness here lately. Andrew hasn't had a headache since he started wearing his glasses! God be praised! He looks good in them as well. I'm so glad he isn't hurting anymore. He's been going to bed early, but he just asked me if he could stay up a little later and I said yes. I'm going to bed in a few. I have to work tomorrow.

Thank you for sticking by me and my family all this time. We have felt your prayers and many of you have sacrificed for us. We won't forget it. If you need me, I'll be there. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 327

It's Saturday night and I'm sick, so this will be short. I've had a headache all day and it's gotten progressively worse. It may be due to the fact that this is day one without steroids, but it feels like sinus pressure. I took a decongestant, tylenol, and some ibuprofen, but nothing has helped, so I'm going to lay down right after this. Someone please come knock me out! I had so much to do today, and I managed to destroy my living room, but if I had felt better I would have finished it. I did go to the funeral home today to see Jack. His brothers were there and so was my father and sister. They were all going to a biker bar that Jack hung out at to have the Wake. The funeral home was enough for me. I came home and laid down thinking that it would make my headache go away, but it's even worse. I was up all night last night, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I couldn't sleep, the house was too empty, but the kids will be back tomorrow. I pray my headache is gone by tomorrow as well.

The same funeral home that took care of Beck was where Jack was. They had him cremated. It sent a chill down my spine to walk back in there so soon. I'm glad that Jack was on the other side of where Becka was. 

I have so much to say but I need to lay back down. God Bless and I'll try to write more later tonight. If I don't, I will write in the morning before I go to church. I can't wait for that! 

Day 326

Friday night and I don't know what to do with myself. The house is empty with the exception of me. It's been a good day. I took off of work today and got a bunch done. I got the kids up and out the door. I didn't have to fix Andrew a lunch because I was picking him up early. I made the decision this morning to scour my bathroom. It had become a place of unholiness, so I took everything out of it and scrubbed it down. I took the toilet seat completely off and put it in the bathtub to wash it. You can eat off the floor now. It looks so good, I'm not going to use it until I clean the kid's bathroom. I'm going to use theirs for now. I took off and went to an appointment with a CPA who is handling the IRS for me. It seems I owe taxes from 1998. Go figure. You would think they would write it off by now, but I can tell you, the IRS never forgets.

 I left there and had breakfast with a dear friend, then went to another appointment in Clemmons. I tried to get as much done as possible today, because I don't need to take any more work off. They have been so good to me, and it's time for me to pay them back by being a model employee. It's all about gratitude, and I'm extremely grateful for my job. I left there and came back to the house, then went and picked up Andrew. We went by McDonalds and got him some lunch, then I took him to the doctor for his headaches. The doctor checked him thoroughly and said it was probably a combination of stress and poor eyesight, but if the headaches don't stop, they will do a CT Scan. We left there, came by the house, then went to the eye doctor. It turns out that he has 2200 / 2200 vision. I'm surprised the young man can see at all! I got his prescription and we went to Lenscrafters so that he could pick out some frames. He picked out some Ray Bans with a blue frame. They really show off his eyes. He looks great in them, and he read street signs all the way to Burlington, where I met their Dad and dropped them off for the weekend, and now I'm here. The dogs are very happy to see me and won't leave me alone. I'm glad because I don't want to be alone. It will be fine though. I'm going to watch TV then go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to rearrange the entire house including the bedroom. Change is good sometimes! I took my last steroid this morning. I'm not taking them anymore for a long time even if I get sick again. I look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy. 

As I was driving tonight, a song came on the radio and it tortured me. The song "Patience" by Guns and Roses played, and I remember Beck, dancing with me in the living room and singing it in my ear. I'm haunted by her voice and the lyrics of the song, "I need you this time". It occurred to me that although we loved each other, we needed each other too, and that's big. It's what made our marriage stay together in tough times. I can love someone, but if I don't need them, then I can do without them, and I couldn't do without Becka. I didn't just want her, I needed her to be here when I got home. I needed her to tell me she loved me. I needed her to reach for me and to look at me from across the room. Those were things I couldn't do without. I needed her as much as I needed food and water to survive, and now that she's gone, I need to accept that she's not coming back, and learn how to breath in the process. 

I have so much on my mind right now, and sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air, but no matter what I'm dealing with at the time, she is always there in my mind. I see her with her pants legs rolled up, standing in the river, panning for emeralds at the mine we went to several times. She would throw her hair back and smile and say, "Baby I found one"! I see her feeding a water buffalo and giggling at the drive thru zoo we went to. I see her on our honeymoon feeding the seagulls from her hand on the beach and loving every minute of it. I see her holding my Brother's or Fern's newborn baby and the love pouring out. I see Beck everywhere. We had a great life together, and now that it's over, I'm lost without her. She was and is so precious to me. She made this dark world seem brighter, and she made me feel like a man when she touched me and called me her own. I need my memories like I needed her. They remind me of the wonderful marriage we had, and we did have a fantastic marriage. Right now she's floating through the streets of gold, and I would sell everything I have for one more minute with her. I'm still heartbroken, and I will be for a long time. God will carry me through this, He works through all of you, and I'm grateful for it. I just want to stop hurting, or know that I will one day. I don't see it right now, but it will come. 

I'm going to try and get some sleep. My eyes are heavy. Have a Blessed weekend. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 325

Thursday night and I'm finally sitting down. I still have laundry to do and the kitchen to finish cleaning, but I'm off tomorrow so I may work it in when I can. I'm so tired. I almost fell asleep at work today standing up. Today was a good day. I'm saying that because I want to give God all the Glory for every good day. I'm sure I'll have some rough ones to come, but all in all it was blessed. I took the girls to school this morning, then high tailed it back here and took off to work. A friend of mine from our Energy Department has been helping me all week get caught up. It feels good to be back at work and be productive, plus I get to see friends that I haven't seen in a while.

 I carry Beck wherever I go and I talk about he all day long. I carry a laminated copy of her Obituary in my pocket to show people. They all say the same thing, "She was beautiful". I always agree. Beck was stunningly gorgeous to me, even when she was bald and sick. Her smile made her the most precious thing on Earth, and her little "giggle laugh" was contagious. She would be so proud of Autumn and Andrew. Autumn asked me last night if she could have a guest over after school, (a boy). A male child in my house to see her. My heart twisted in my chest, but I said okay. She said he was a friend and that's fine. His Mother dropped him off, and it turned out he is a great kid. (Trust me, I haven't forgotten that he's a male child no matter how great he is). I had to trust her and she's never given me any reason not to. I laid out the ground rules, like the fact that while he is here, we don't have an upstairs. The stairs don't exist. All we have is a living room and a kitchen. Dillon was here as well, so I made some baked spaghetti. They all chowed down. When it came time for him to leave, his Dad picked him up, so I went outside to meet him. Turns out his Dad is a friend of mine and Beck, and is our Bank Manager. It's a very small world. He said he didn't put two and two together when his son told him about Autumn losing her mother to cancer. He notarized many documents for us over the last six months and he knew Beck well. God knows exactly what he is doing! Autumn got her learner's permit in the mail today. She showed it to me and I made over it! It's a big deal! She even smiled for the picture! 

I really do love my life, but I wish Beck was here so much. I know she is watching over us, but the kids miss her. The dogs do as well and they are still chewing the hair off of their rears. Especially Angel. I don't know what to do except take her to the vet and put her on sedatives. That would work for me as well. The doctor gave me an antidepressant the other day, but I'm not going to take it. I want to feel my feelings and sort them out, walk through this pain to the other side, and be a better man for it. Beck will always be with me. She left an imprint on me that nothing can take off. The love we shared was what I had looked for my whole life. God brought us together, then he took her. I don't try to understand it anymore. I'm just trying to get through the day most of the time, but something always reminds me of her, and the feeling of loss crushes my stomach and makes me a blubbering idiot. I can't function when I think of her sometimes. I can't believe she's gone forever. I went back and looked at my blog, the early days, and I remember the fear and desperation we both had at times, but our faith in God saw past that and made things okay. I just miss her terribly, and I will for a long time to come. I miss the way she called me "Baby". I miss her hand on my face when she kissed me, the smell of her hair and the way it felt when she laid her head on my chest at night. The way she said, "I love you". My best memory of Beck was when she walked down the aisle and faced me, and I could see her beautiful eyes through the veil. I knew then and I know now, I would have done anything for her. It was a fairy tale worthy of Disney. I wonder if I will ever have that again. I'm jealous of couples these days, and I shouldn't be. I just feel like all of the love in my life has been taken away. I know people love me. I'm talking about the intimacy and passion of a relationship like we had. It was so unique to me. That part of me still belongs to Beck, but I want it so. I pray some day I can have it again, but if not, I treasure the time that I did have. Nothing can take that away.

I'm going to wrap up and go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I'm going out to breakfast with a friend in the morning, and then to a couple of appointments, then I'm picking up Andrew early and taking him to the doctor, then the eye doctor, and finally I'm meeting the kid's Dad tomorrow night to drop them off for the weekend. Like I said, long day. I pray that all of you have peace in your hearts. Life is too short not to.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 324

It's Wednesday night and I'm sitting on my back porch drinking a great cup of coffee, starving to death. I've kept to my diet all day. I was going to go to Taekwondo this evening, but I decided to go with Andrew tomorrow to Family Class. Adult class is just too late and I don't want to leave the kids alone with Andrew not feeling well. Today has been a good day and I'm grateful. I worked all day, then shot home and took Andrew to class while Autumn, Dillon, and I went to see my Mother and Step dad. I bought Andrew two new dressers because his fell apart and his clothes are everywhere, and Steve put one of them together for me. I'm going to try and go to bed early tonight. I have to take the girls to school in the morning then get to work. 

I've been sleeping much better lately. Things are just different and it's going to take a long time to adjust. Nothing is the same without Beck here. I watched the sunrise this morning and took some pictures of it from my back porch. The clouds were orange and it was beautiful, and all I could think about was how much she loved sitting out here drinking coffee and watching the sunrise and our little hummingbirds. It's funny, they haven't been back since she left us. I haven't filled up the feeders, but the feeders are red, so if the hummingbirds were still around they would at least come and check them out. I guess they left with her. 

Beck was so easy to please. She loved the simple things in life, and if the kids were happy, she was ecstatic. Her life was all about others. She was so self-sacrificing, even in death. She gave her eyes so that two other people could see. I received a letter from the Eyebank thanking us, and they are going to send us the information about who got her eyes. I didn't think they did that, but apparently I was wrong. I love the fact that others are going to see through her eyes. Beck's eyes looked straight in to my soul every time we made contact. If she wanted something to drink or eat, she would ask, "Are you hungry or thirsty"? That was her cue instead of asking for something for herself. The day before she went in to the hospital was Andrew's birthday party, and I know she was hurting because of the pictures. I can see it in her face, but I know that she held out because she didn't want to go on his birthday. The next day she was screaming in agony due to the embolisms we didn't know about, and not even morphine could take the pain away. Beck was incredible and unique. She loved everybody and had no enemies. I wondered for a long time why God put me with her. Now I know what my calling was, and I treasure every second we had together. I think I miss talking to her the most, with kissing her a close second. We would lay in bed at night and talk for hours until we fell asleep. We talked about everything, especially the future. That is, until she got sick. Then our conversations changed. She battled the cancer with everything she had, but deep down I think she knew it was going to win. Especially when she found out that it was stage four. It didn't matter though. She fought for every second with her family, and her war with evil won't be forgotten. I won't let it be. Everyone will know the strength and courage she had, and how special she was. Her maiden name was King, and now she's with the King of Kings. Kind of symbolic really. The fact that she took my last name is my greatest accomplishment so far, but all of the credit goes to God. He worked on me for a long time preparing me for her, and now I know what he had in mind. I'm still a work in progress, but I made her happy and managed to better her life towards the end, I would like to believe anyway. Now God is working on me again. My heart and mind are open to him for whatever he wants from me. My ultimate goal is to get to Heaven, but that has already been bought and paid for in blood, so I don't have to worry about that. Until that time, I will do my best to seek out his will for me every day, even if it goes against my plans. 

Like I said, this has been a good day. Tomorrow is what I make of it. I have a friend coming over this Saturday to help me rearrange the living room. I forgot to tell him about Beck, and he came over tonight to see how she was. He and his wife want me to go Saturday night to sing Karaoke. I don't know if I will go. I can't sing, I don't drink, and, no offense, I don't want to be around single women, so what else is there? I'll probably stay here and get some much needed rest. I'm still not quite over the pneumonia.

It's bed time, I hope. I pray that you have a wonderful night, and that you love someone and they love you. Love is really what it's all about. We weren't designed to be alone or God would have stopped with Adam. For me right now, alone or with a bunch of guys suits me just fine. We can stand around and shoot guns, scratch ourselves, make disgusting noises and laugh about them, and hit golf balls. Sounds like Heaven to me! 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Oh yeah, one other thing, I shaved my mustache today. Beck never would let me, but I haven't seen my top lip in twenty years. Now I know why. Good Night!

Day 323

It's Tuesday night and I just got home from my Mother and Step dad's house. It is his birthday and we went to the party. We believe in celebrating birthdays around here! Steve, my Step Dad, is by far the greatest thing that ever happened to my Mother. My Mom is an Angel. Her heart is bigger than her entire body, but for years she was married to my Father, and all I can say is that he was very sick. My Mother had been divorced for many years and had been alone all that time. She had men pursue her, but she wasn't interested in any of them. She and Steve were friends back in high school. They hadn't talked in years, until Steve's wife died, then he joined "Classmates.com". That's when he and my mother hooked up again, and the rest is history. They have a marriage like Becka and I had. He takes such good care of her and treats her like a queen. He truly is a gift from God! 

I worked all day, and it was okay. I saw a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a while, again. Every day I am going to another store, and they all want to know how I am. I have been sharing the miracle of the night Becka left us and went home. I had a bunch of women crying today at one of my stores. They all read this, so they know the story already, but hearing it first hand was much more powerful. I got a lot of hugs today. Eventually, things will settle down and go back to normal, whatever that is. I have no idea what normal will be. I just need to sit back and let God handle things. 

Tonight, on the way to the party at my Mother's, it hit me hard and I had to let go. Autumn was sitting in the passenger's seat where Beck always sat. I would reach over and hold her hand, no matter where we were going. My family loved Becka. They knew she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and she was beloved. I think they are all still in shock. I know I am. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds. On one hand, I cling to the life Beck and I had. I don't want to let it go, and I don't have to right now. On the other hand, there is a life waiting for me out there. It's going to take some time, and some pain, and some healing, but I'll get there. Right now it feels like being in a prison of emotion. I miss her so very much. I know she would want me to be happy, and I did have some great moments today.  It will get different, then it will get better.God is helping me with that through all of you. I actually got only one coffee cup down this morning. It's progress! This weekend I'm going to completely rearrange my living room. I can't walk in the house without seeing her sitting there. The change will do me good. I work tomorrow and Thursday, but I'm off Friday. I can work on the house all weekend. The kids will be at their Dad's. I'm dropping them off after Andrew's Eye Doctor appointment. 

I'm so tired I can't stay awake. I guess everything is catching up to me. I'm waiting on a friend to call, then I have a few other calls to make. This blog is fixing to end. My journey with Becka is over almost. It will never be completely over because she left too much of herself with me. I'll keep writing until I can get through a whole day without breaking down and hitting my knees in pain. Then I think I can let go of this life. Until then, the journey continues. Below is a blog that Becka did on her Myspace before we got married. She always let me know how she felt about me. Hey Baby, I feel the same way!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

From Becka's blog on Myspace (Feb 24, 2008) :Being in love...

Current mood:blissful

What is being in love about? Is it about caring or getting cared ? Is it about loving or being loved ? Putting the other person's happiness before your own or being happy together. I'm in love with the most incredible man...Randy. But yet if someone asks me now to define love I don't think I can. Yes, I can give 

this philosophical and the typical answer that love is something that can only be felt and cannot be defined. You know...what I feel for Randy goes far beyond that...all I can do is tell you what I know in my heart.

People sometimes worry that they are losing the love that brought them together, but love changes tone and color all the time. People make a mistake in thinking of love as a constant, unchanging emotion. What may feel like loss of love may be its ripening. Being in love can transform into a deeper, steadier desire to be together and share a life.

Some people think that being in love is an illusion and that it only leads to catastrophe because you can't make a good decision from that place. But I think that being in love is one of the great joys of life. It brings people together and gives them the kick they need to get over obstacles in their developing relationship. Yes, you can make bad decisions because of love's blindness, but you can also make good ones. We all need an extra jolt of passion to get over our inhibitions and move a step further into what life has to offer.

Being in love is an altered state. Suddenly your life is focused on another person and you can't bear being separated from him or her. You are in a bubble of fantasy, feeling overcome and giddy...it's accepting someone completely into your heart...the one you can't get out of your mind, it's a feeling....yes, it's a feeling no one would understand but you and that special someone.

In a few months I will walk down the aisle and become Mrs. Patton...there is nothing in this life that compares to that feeling. So you ask me if I'm "in love" you know what...you bet ya! I have no doubts...God has blessed me with that love! I love you Randy...now and always.

Day 322

It's Monday night, and I know you are getting tired of hearing that it was an emotional day, but it was. Every day is now. I did sleep last night though! I took two of the Melatonin that Gina gave me and I slept about six hours. I turned the bed heater on last night and the dogs surrounded me. I felt so much better this morning. The new medicines and your prayers are working. I feel very good and I'm going back to taekwondo tomorrow night. I kept to my diet all day! I had a banana this morning for breakfast, then a ham and turkey sub from Subway for lunch, no cheese or mayo, just lettuce and tomatoes. For supper, the kids wanted Wendy's and milk shakes, and I ate a tuna sandwich with fat free mayonnaise dressing. I'm determined to lose weight. I feel so much better when I'm thirty pounds lighter, and I know it will help me with my emotions. Running on the treadmill or around the block, push ups and sit ups help too. Keep the blood pumping! It's one day at a time like everything else.

Andrew took his cell to school this morning. It was great and he worked hard on it! He's been having headaches, so I made him an appointment with the eye doctor on Friday, and I'm taking him to the Pediatrician then as well. He and his sister are going to their Dad's this weekend, and I'm going to try and get some things done around here that I've been putting off, then I might go to my Dad's and shoot some. Who knows. I may just lay around the house and catch up on sleep. I've been running and running, sick all the time mind you, and I need the rest. Watching movies all weekend will help. I don't think I'll watch "Steel Magnolias" or "A Walk To Remember".  I'll stick with something funny. 

I went back to work today. It was good to get back in the swing of things. I received a thousand hugs, and I had to stop and talk to many about Beck. I can't get away from it, so I don't try. I appreciate that people want to hear how I'm doing and that they have been praying for me. I never dreamed I would have so much support. I talked about Beck all day and worked, then I took off to take care of business things. I had to go drop off two "Certified Death Certificates". I ordered ten, and I had to proof read it when they first gave them to me. I haven't looked at one since, but every time I pull one out, I know what I am holding and it crushes me. I appreciate that the people who are receiving them have been very sympathetic, kind, and patient with me. I just hand it to them, then hold up one finger telling them I'll be right back. I go outside and do my thing, gather myself or try to, then go back and finish what needs finishing. I have to go to the Social Security Administration Friday morning. I'm going to try and get there when they open so I won't have to wait.

I was looking at pictures today with some coworkers. Becka was so beautiful, even when she was sick and close to death. She always had a spark in her eyes, especially when she was looking at the kids. They were her pride and joy. I'll never know what she saw in me when we first met. Maybe potential! It took a lot of training, but I came around. I'm glad that I'm trainable. It took time and effort for us to learn about each other. The first two years are the hardest, because most people don't clear out the garbage from the past, and that's the first thing that has to happen. My relationship with Beck was unique. I had to have a new attitude about everything. She accepted my faults and loved me in spite of myself. If I think about it, not a day went by when we were married that we didn't tell each other "I Love You". This house seems so empty without her here. The kids are upstairs playing. I'm down here waiting on the debate, then going to bed. I think it's finally sinking in that she's gone, to me anyway. I can still see her walk in the room and look at me, or call my name through the house. I feel her everywhere, yet she seems so far away. I remember everything about our marriage, and I want it back so much, but that's not going to happen today, so I guess I'll just see her later. I remember the movie "Phenomenon", with John Travolta. It's a great movie, but this is a spoiler alert if you haven't seen it, so don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know what happens.

John Travolta is laying in a hospital bed dying of a malignant brain tumor. His girlfriend is with him, and he asks her, "Will you love me for the rest of my life?" She says, "No, but I'll love you for the rest of mine". Beck and I said that to each other before she died because she remembered it from the movie. I meant it. I will love her for the rest of my life. Is there love out there for me again one day? I would say yes. That's up to God, but I have a lot of love to give. Right now, Beck still has my heart, so I can't give what I don't have. I still have a lot of healing, crying, screaming, and pulling my hair out to do. Beck told me before she died that she wanted me to go on and remarry. She said I don't do well alone. I told her that if I died first, she better not remarry. I would come back and haunt whoever she was with, make them wish they were never born! That made her laugh. Her sweet, beautiful laugh. It always went straight to my heart. I'm glad I remember what it sounded like.

My future is up in the air, because I'm giving it to God. I'm not going to try and control anything anymore, because it's all an illusion anyway-"control". Try and go against God's will and see what happens! Until I know more about his plan for me, I will love my Family, love my friends, love my dogs, and try to accept and forgive people on the spot, (unless they cut me off in traffic). Okay, them too. I never pray for patience when I'm driving, because that's when God puts a two hundred year old woman in front of me in the fast lane. All I can see is blue hair sticking up over the seat as we do 45 mph. (At least my sense of humor is coming back). That's a good sign.

I'm going in and spend some time with the kids, watch the debate, then go to bed. Love all of you! 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 321

It's Sunday night already and I'm sitting on my back porch writing this. I just came out here because Andrew and I built a "Cell" for school. He's fantastic with his hands. He painted it all himself and labeled the parts. I made Mexican Pizzas for supper. The kids love them so they don't last long. Today has been a very good day. We woke early, (too early for me), and had breakfast at the hotel, then we took off and went down the Blue Ridge Parkway. The leaves are changing and it's beautiful. Autumn has taken so many pictures, so I told her she should take over her Mother's picture website, "Through My Eyes". She was ecstatic about the idea. She's going to do a tribute to her mother, then start posting her own pictures. The kids and I had a great weekend. They loved the Ford Escape that I rented, but when we go to buy a new vehicle, (used that is, I never buy a new vehicle), I promised Autumn she could come, and she wants to buy a Ford Edge. It's what Beck wanted, so that is all that matters to her. I did well today all day. My mind was so tired though. I'm going to bed soon to try and sleep because I start back to work tomorrow. I'm going to take some melatonin. It seems to work thanks to my sister in Christ Gina! I need at least six hours of sleep. I only got four last night and four the night before. We watched a movie and ate pizza in the room last night, so we stayed up too late. Andrew wanted to check out the indoor pool, but it was small and he was tired. I'm sure the kids will sleep tonight. I call her a kid, but I shouldn't. Autumn is wise beyond her years. She has so much of her mother in her. 

I was fine all day until I got home. It hit me that it's only three of us now. I walked outside and lost it. I stayed out here for a long time, until Andrew came out and asked me what was for supper, and told me he needed some paint. I've always considered myself a stand up guy. No one has backed me down since middle school where my Father made me fight my bully. It changed my life, and I never got picked on again, but now I'm so full of fear. I know that fear is a primary emotion like love, and all bad feelings come from fear, like jealousy and rage, but this is different. I have no clue what God has planned for me, although I know there is a plan. I look at the pictures the kids and I took today and yesterday, and it burns my chest and makes me angry that Beck isn't in them, and she never will be again. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be at Autumn's wedding and Andrew's graduation. I feel guilty for grieving sometimes because I  know how much she meant to them, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I talk about her all of the time. I brought up some family memories in the car and had them both laughing. We all have a long way to go, but I want the pain to go away now, and it's not going to. We have to walk through it to the other side. I think that God will have to carry me. The kids are much stronger than I am. We prepared them well for this, as well as can be done, but nothing can make up for or prepare anyone to lose their mother. Even the dogs have just about grieved themselves bald. Our little Corgy "Angel" is twelve years old, and when Beck and I didn't come home from the hospital, she chewed  all of the hair off her back. She sleeps with Andrew every night She's better now since I got home, but she still misses Beck, and our miniature Dobie "Gabe" doesn't know if he's coming or going. I wish I had taken them all to the funeral home to see her. That way they wouldn't sit by the door waiting. Gabe used to lay his head on Beck's lap every night like he was protecting her. He knew she was sick, so he offered his love and it made a difference. Our dogs really are wonderful for that. They are my furry kids! My boy "Nate" has his head on me right now. God knew what he was doing when he made dogs!

Beck's parents made it to Florida. Thanks for all of the prayers so much! I miss all of the people that were here, but Andrew is glad to get his room back! He put his new swords up yesterday. I helped him put the sword rack together. Life has to go back to normal somehow. I'm not sure yet how that's going to happen, but God knows and that's enough for me. He's brought me this far. Might as well see it through to the end.

My eyes are crossed, so sweet dreams and God Bless. Tomorrow is a new day. I miss you Baby if you are reading this. I miss you so much it literally hurts everywhere. 

I was behind the camera....