It's Thursday night and I just got home. The kids and I went out to Applebee's for supper. Andrew was home sick today, but he felt better this evening until we went out to eat, then he started getting sick again. He has already gone to bed. Please keep him in your prayers.
I had posted that I had accepted Becka's death and was ready to start healing. I think I jumped the gun a little. I keep looking for her, especially in the morning. Then I realize she isn't here and it kills me. My heart is so torn today. I keep looking at pictures of her and wondering, "What if"? What if we had gone to the doctor earlier? What if I had been more patient and loving at times? What if I had known the day and time she was never going to talk again? There are a lot of questions running through my head, but the biggest "What if" there is would be, "What if we had never met"? Would she have had someone to take care of her? Where would the kids be? Where would our friends be? What about our dogs and our home? Those questions bring me back to reality and tell me that I just need to cry some more. I have a long way to go to get through this. A very good friend brought be back to reality yesterday and today, and Sarah, thank you. You are truly, truly, a great friend. I pray that you and your family are always a part of my life.
I know that no one wants unasked advice. I also know that every marriage has it's ups and downs. I've heard it said that you have never been in love unless you've contemplated murder. I wasn't always the perfect husband, but Beck was always the perfect wife, because she had Christ in her heart. She knew how to forgive her absent minded, idiot husband. She knew how to end an argument quickly and with less pain. I say this because no matter what was happening in our house, we always knew we loved each other. I think back to every time I walked away mad, or raised my voice. If I could have one more hour with Beck, that would never happen again. Nothing is worth wasting one minute with the one I loved. I pray that everyone reading this will only see the good in their husbands or wives. Every time you look at them, imagine life without them. Imagine them gone forever with no chance of coming back, then when your heart is right, go to them and let them know TODAY how you feel about them. Life is too short. For Beck it was only forty seven years, and now I'm forced to spend what seems like an eternity without the greatest love in my life. I would literally do anything to touch her face, hold her hand, kiss her lips, or hear her laugh just one more time. This world is cold, confusing, and empty for me now. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm spending time with the kids. I sometimes reach for Autumn's hand when we are going down the road because I always held Beck's hand, then I realize what I'm doing and I try to concentrate. I go to the graveyard as much as possible and talk to Beck. I know she's not there, but the body I took care of and loved is there. It still means so much to me. I can't wait to see her headstone. It should he coming any day now!
Only one more day of this. Tomorrow is the end, the last blog, I pray it has helped you understand how cancer takes so much more than just a life. It's evil and must be destroyed. For now, I will do my part, keep on every day, and pray that God gets me to the other side of this nightmare.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless. See you tomorrow I hope.
