I worked all day by myself and got a lot accomplished this morning, but then I met the guy who I bought Beck's cemetery plot from at the cemetery around twelve. I bought the other three that he had. They are around Beck's plot so it's a family plot now. I have no idea where I will be buried because I donated my body to Bowman Gray School of Medicine as a cadaver. but I thought they would be great investments for the kids. While I was at the cemetery, I visited with Beck. I go by a couple times a week. I have a little cooler on the truck that I use as a chair. I need to put one of our folding chairs on the truck. I sat and talked to her for a while, then I cried, and I talked some more, and I cried some more. I told her I didn't understand any of this and I missed her more every day. My mind is all knotted up sometimes. I'm still the man I was, (unfortunately), but so much has changed. I never dreamed in a million years it would be like this, or that I would or could hurt like this. So many memories are flooding back. I talked to Beck like she was sitting beside of me. I couldn't bear to think of her underground. I know that's not her, but it is the body that I washed, dried, put lotion on, held against me, and loved for a long time, so don't think for a second it doesn't mean anything to me. I was holding her feet when the Lord came for her. I kissed her lips as I was leaving the room for the last time. I told her I would see her later, and I will.
I left the cemetery and when I got back in the truck, it hit me all at once that she's never coming back. I don't think I've accepted it until today. I pulled over because I was crying and shaking, and I drove behind Waffle House to a parking space and just sat there. It overwhelmed me and I haven't cried like that through all of this. It was actually cleansing to me and I purged a lot of bad stuff right then. I prayed and God gave me peace like he did when she left, but I was physically exhausted. It took everything I had to drive back to the store I was working at. I didn't cry anymore, but my mind was racing. I had accepted that she is gone, and everyone knew something was wrong. My store manager hugged me and asked me if I was okay. I said no, but I would be in the future. I couldn't do much work after that. I changed a plug on a Mart Cart. (That's the cart that people ride in a grocery store). Then I bought some groceries and came home. I didn't feel like cooking, so the kids wanted Chinese. Autumn has Sesame chicken, Andrew had teriyaki beef, and we all had crab rangoon. It was good and they enjoyed it! That's all that matters. I'm making chicken in the crock pot for tomorrow. I will start it in the morning.
Today was emotional for me but I needed it. I also need to change course. I haven't been praying enough or reading he bible enough, and I don't reach out to people like I should. I keep everything bottled up inside until it explodes. I can't do this alone, so don't be surprised if your phone rings. God has put all of you in my life, and I need you!
It's bed time. Sweet Dreams and God Bless you all!
