Friday night and it's fitting that I'm alone. The kids are at their Dad's house in Raleigh. My son just left. It was nice having him here, but I'm glad that I'm alone for this. This hurts just as bad as everything else has, but I have to let go. It hurts me to write this and I need to heal at some point. The fact that so many have followed it is incredible, and it keeps Beck alive in your hearts. She will always be in mine, until the Lord takes me home to be with him as well.
I want to end with the beginning. Beck and I met on line believe it or not. God can use anything he wants to bring people together. We were both regulars in a Christian Chat room called CS1 on AOL. At first, we were friends. We talked back and forth, and then started instant messaging each other. I had given up on love and gave it to God. I really thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I thought that I deserved to be. When I met Becka, the thought of us being together never entered my mind. She was way out of my league. I had become accustomed to searching out the women with "problems". When someone said, "Who wants the sick one", I threw my hand in the air. I only got in to relationships that I could control. That way I could get out quick with no remorse. Living this type of life had made me spiritually sick, so I turned to God and asked him to do it for me. He had already done so much in my life by removing alcohol and drugs, I thought that I would let him pick my women for me too, so I was alone for a long time. That's when he put Becka in my life. He waited until I had time to heal, then introduced me to her. We chatted on line for a long time, then on the phone. We talked about everything just as friends do. That was when I told her she needed a "MYSPACE". We both created one and our conversations turned more personal. One night we were talking, and out of the blue I said, "I love you". I remember it like it was yesterday. The line went silent, and I thought she would hang up, but instead she said, "I love you too". I asked her if I could come meet her that weekend in Tennessee, and she said yes, so I rented a car and took off on a Saturday morning. My heart was pounding the whole way, and it seemed like it took only a few minutes to drive there. I called her and we met in a parking lot. She got out of the van and ran to me. I'll never forget. I couldn't see her face because the hair was hanging down, but she embraced me. When she finally did look at me, I melted. I didn't think she was real until that moment. I took her face with my hands and kissed her for the longest time. I was her's at that moment. I was in love.
We spent the weekend together and started building our relationship. It was magical, until a few months in to it and I started getting attacked by the enemy. People told me that I didn't deserve to be with her and I would just ruin her life. My ex girlfriend got in touch with her and started causing problems. It seemed like it wasn't meant to be and everything was blowing up around us, so I ran. I told her I couldn't do that to her and ruin her life. I cut myself off from her and retreated. I was so miserable and depressed that I was suicidal. What I didn't know was that my Mother was calling Becka and begging her not to give up on me. She could see how much pain I was in. Time went by, about a month, and out of the blue Becka called me. I was at work and I saw her number pop up, and I figured she wanted to tell me off, so I gave her the chance and answered the phone. She asked how I was, and I told her I was miserable and didn't have anything left to live for. I said that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I loved her with all of my heart. I asked for forgiveness, and she gave it immediately. I wasn't used to that. I didn't know what was happening, but she came to see me that weekend, and I asked her to marry me on bended knee. She said yes and we were a couple again! I made a pact with God, that I would never run from her again if he would give me her heart, and he did. She claimed me as her own, moved to North Carolina, and we married in an Eighteenth Century church at Tanglewood Park here in Clemmons NC. It was the happiest day of my life! I had a family. We had our ups and downs, but we came through it all together with love. We spend every birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and anniversary together as a family. We were never apart. Everywhere I went, she went, except when I went to work, then I called her a couple of times a day. Becka was my life. She took my heart and loved it better than anyone else ever had. She forgave me for being stupid at times, and loved me through all of it. She was truly my soul mate.
I know many of you have read my blog from the start, so you know how I feel about her. That hasn't changed one bit, with the exception that I love her more now than I did before. My mind is full of beautiful memories with her and the kids. We never doubted each other's love. We became one, as the bible says, because it's what we wanted to do. We had dreams and goals, some of which were met, but most were cut short by cancer. I look back and my heart turns to physical pain when I admit to myself that she's gone forever from me. I can't to this day see my life without her. I don't want to right now. I try to move on, but the fact is I still belong to her. She was my pride and joy, my trophy wife, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I keep making mistakes that cause me even more pain, but I'm learning from them. At least I hope I am. This pain will go away I pray. I know I can't feel this way for the rest of my life and live normally. I have faith that God will lead me out of it, and that he still has plans for me. I know now why God put me with such a wonderful woman. First he prepared me, then he gave me a job to do, and now I have a cross to bear. I loved every second of taking care of Becka. When she would look at me, I knew she was grateful and that she loved me. I was with her when she left, and I kissed her goodbye. She took a big part of me with her. I just hope and pray there is enough left for me to do what God wants me to.
It has been my honor to write about Rebekah Lee King Patton, 11/12/1964 - 10/3/2012. If you knew her, you know she was wonderful. If you didn't, read my blog again. She's in there, I promise.
Until we meet again my love, I pledge to live the best life I can. I miss you terribly, and I don't know what I'm going to do without your wonderful laugh in my ear, but I'll make the most of it. I will see you soon Babygirl. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will love you always and forever. xoxo
Randy
