Day 333

It's Friday night and I'm feeling better. I think the medicines are working! I rested today and I needed it. I asked God to direct me, and he did. A couple of things happened today that I will talk about later, but for right now, they are between me and God. I can see part of his will for me, and that gives me direction. Needless to say, I'm back on track. I'm writing this early because I'm supposed to go out tonight with a friend of mine bowling. I'm tired but I already told him I would go, and a couple of other guys are coming as well. It's an official "Guys Night Out". I love to bowl. I used to bowl on a league and I throw a fingertip ball, but my friend Matt bowls all the time, so he will probably make me look bad. I won't be gone but about an hour because the kids are here. I took them to Starbucks a little while ago. 

As I drink my coffee and write this, it occurs to me that I only cried this morning. That is progress for me. I cleaned the house today and rested for most of the day. I caught up on sleep, and this morning when I woke and was drinking coffee, I got emotional. I always do in the mornings, but after yesterday, I've gained a level of acceptance about Becka. The only reason I grieve is because she's not here and I miss her, but like a friend asked me, if I could bring her back today, would I? The answer is a resounding "NO". I wouldn't take her from Paradise and from the presence of the Lord. So now I pray for more acceptance and for God to fill me with the Spirit and make my future clear to me. I'm more conscious of my actions and the fact that they hurt other people if I don't act accordingly. I fear that I have hurt someone close to me, but they know that I've been half crazy and I will get better. I have good friends that I love and love me, and this friend is especially forgiving. I intend to have them in my life forever.

I went and looked at something I am thinking about buying today. I looked at a motorcycle, and I'm not having a mid life crisis. If I do buy it, I'm going to take classes on safety. I've been riding motorcycles since I was young, mostly dirt bikes. The last time I was on one, I was riding a Honda down the road, went in to a turn, and the bike went straight through the turn. If anything had been coming I would not be here today. I'm not sure what happened, but the bike would not turn no matter what I did, so I rode off in to a field and laid it down. I haven't been back on one since, so part of this is to overcome fear. Beck and I had talked about buying a couple of bikes. She was interested in riding by herself. The bike I'm looking at is a soft tail custom Harley Davidson. I'll keep you informed.

Life without Beck is different, and I'm doing what I can to adjust. If I had my way, she never would have gotten sick, but since she did, I have to go on the best I can. I know there is a wonderful life out there for me, because I have it right here right now. I'm grateful for all of my blessings. All I need to do is look around and I have plenty to be grateful for. I know where Beck is, and she's doing just fine. I will see her again one day, so until then I'll just say, "See you later". I appreciate all of you more than I can put in words. You are all blessings to me!

Good night and God Bless! Sleep well!