I needed to write tonight. I hope you don't mind, but I'm a ball of emotion and I have been all day. I guess it helps me to see how I truly feel by writing it down and looking at it myself, so here goes. I woke this morning and, as always, realized that Becka wasn't there, so instead of getting upset, I became angry, and I stayed that way all day. The funny thing is that I didn't take it out on the kids or anyone else. I kept it bottled up all day until tonight. I usually pray in the mornings. This morning I skipped it because I really didn't feel grateful for anything. Don't get me wrong, I have loads to feel grateful for, but I get tunnel vision when it comes to Becka, and I'm really P.O'd that she isn't here anymore, so basically I wasted a whole day being angry until I got to the cemetery. That is when the flood gates opened and I wept for the longest time. I didn't stop on the way home either, and when I got home, Dillon asked me what was wrong and all I could say was, "I miss Beck".
I've made a decision to go through the grieving process. I've tried my best to avoid it, but I only cause myself more pain. I've been putting myself in positions to get hurt, knowing what was coming, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel differently, even normal again, but I know now that I won't for a long time, if ever. Beck was and is part of my soul. She was in every aspect of my life. My whole life revolved around her, and now that she's gone forever, I feel like I'm floating around from place to place. I know I have plenty of support, but I tend to isolate because I think I can handle things myself. I've always kept people at arms length because before Beck, I was let down so many times. I would give of myself as much as I could, but ultimately I would get hurt and it caused resentment. Then I met Beck, and I opened myself up to either be loved, or be destroyed. Luckily God knew what he was doing when he placed us together. She protected my heart to the grave, and when she told me she loved me, I believed her because she meant it. Now that she's gone, I fear that I will never experience that again. I have to give it to God and let him handle it for me, but I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I can still hear Beck's laugh and it tortures me. When I lay in bed at night, I reach over to her side, but there is nothing there. She's all through the house and at work. I'm always saying, "That is what Beck liked", or "Beck and I did that". I can't get away from it, and God knows I've tried. I have to face it head on, and realize that there is life for me still, and happiness again.
I loved being a husband. I loved everything about being married. I told Dillon tonight that I even miss arguing with Beck, because I knew we would make up. I keep memories of our early years at the front of my mind, and I treasure them. She was everything to me, so it makes sense that I won't be okay in a month and a half. Time is so precious, but I wish with everything in me that I could either make it go forward six months or backward six months. I hate where I am right now.
I'll end this here. I hope I didn't depress you too much. I guess I just needed to say where I am right now.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless
