Day 270

Friday night. 270 Days since my baby was diagnosed with cancer. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I'm worried tonight. Right now, she's asleep in the chair. I gave her a long hot shower with the new shower head I bought yesterday. It rocks! You'd have to see it to appreciate it, but anyway, I put lotion on her and special lotion on her head for the radiation. If we don't use special lotion, her head cracks open because the skin has been so damaged. What has me worried is her feet. Beck has swollen up all over. She has chipmunk cheeks due to the steroids. She can't wear her rings anymore because of it, and her feet have been swollen for a while, but tonight they look like balloons, and they are hurting her. We have a foot soaker / massager that I filled up and put salts in so that she could soak her feet, then I gave her a pedicure, but it didn't help. They are so swollen that it is harder for her to walk than every before. If they haven't gone down by morning, I'm calling the doctor. I gave her a couple of vicodin and she's feeling better. She will probably go to bed in a few since I already heated it up a while ago. 

I just baked a cake and it looks really cool. It's a yellow, fudge marble cake. I'm waiting on it to cool so I can ice it. I cooked burgers on the charcoal grill for supper and they were great! I usually make my own burgers by mixing A-1, eggs, and Lipton Onion soup mix in my meat, but tonight we cooked "Bubba Burgers". They are frozen patties that are already made up and you just throw them on the grill, but I'll tell you a little secret. (Sprinkle Lowery's on them while they are cooking). 

I'm feeling better tonight physically because today at work, I parked under a tree and took an hour nap. The home office will be calling me Monday to make sure that the hour I put in for lunch was correct. Most of the time, I put in half an hour. I'm always sure to be precise with my time. The company has been too good to me for me to take a minute from them. My nap was awesome. I fell asleep to the sounds of Rush Limbaugh's voice. That's kind of scary, but I was so tired it didn't matter who was talking. Beck is laying next to me in her lift chair listening to her IPOD. She loves her music. It soothes her and takes her mind to a good place. I just put a couple of pillows under her feet to elevate them. I pray that the swelling goes down tonight. It's already hard for her to walk. This just makes it worse. I hate cancer with all of my being. I never realized what people go through when they are fighting it. I do understand why some people don't fight, but that doesn't apply to Beck. She's my warrior queen, and I admire her more than I've ever admired anyone in my life. She still tells me every day that she loves me. I'll never feel like I deserve her, but I will do my best to show her how I feel by my actions, for the rest of our lives together.

I'm going to put her in bed and probably go myself. Two dear friends are coming to see us Sunday! I can't wait to tell you the truth. I can't say who because it's a surprise to Beck. 

Sweet Dreams. Good night and God Bless.

Day 269

It's Thursday night and we are watching the RNC again. I won't go political, but most of you know how I feel. Today has been long, and I'm glad that it's over. We are going to bed soon. I'm sitting here beside of my Love. She's pinning stuff on Pinterest. She's pulled some great recipes off of that website. I worked all day today, and I'm working tomorrow, but starting next week I'm taking off a couple of weeks. I'm going to work in between. I have to so that I can pay for my insurance, but most of the time I will be here with her. It's time for me to be here. She needs me and I need her. My nerves are usually shot while I'm at work. I'm filled with dread every time the phone rings, and my worst fear is that I won't be here if something happens. I need to be by her side for the rest of my life. I mean it when I say that every second together counts. I don't take things for granted anymore. I'm took the lead in this a long time ago, and I'm going to finish what we started. 

Becka asked me tonight if I thought she was getting worse. I told her the truth, that as the day goes on, she fades and fatigue takes it toll. We got up four times last night, then she got up for good about four thirty, so I got up for good. She woke me up in a great deal of pain last night. I gave her a couple of pain pills and held her until the pain subsided. She was able to relax, then we went back to sleep for about an hour.

 I just finished cleaning the bathroom. It's not my best job ever, but I'm not ashamed to let people use it now. I usually clean on Saturdays and Sundays, but I'm going to sleep all day Saturday. My phone will be turned off and I'm covering the entire house with black plastic, not just the windows. The neighbors will think the house is contaminated, which is fine because they won't come close. I'm drugging the dogs and the kids, then I'm going to sleep. Sounds like a plan.

This is strange, but sometimes life doesn't seem real, and at other times, it seems too real. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's hard to find a happy median. I'm sure it has to do with fatigue, but sometimes it seems like I'm watching this all play out on television, and other times I'm in the middle of it. I think that my mind blocks it out sometimes and I deny what is really happening to the love of my life, which is okay because when I am alone, and I think about what is going on, the grief is too much to bear. I can't describe this kind of heartache. It's physical, and it causes panic attacks, which feel like your heart is going to explode in your chest. I try not to go there these days. A friend of mine told me to concentrate on how I feel about Beck, the love we have shared, and the family we have built. When I do that, the grief turns to longing, and I just want to be with her no matter what I'm doing at the time.

Life is good tonight. She's here beside of me, and she loves me. I don't need anything else right now.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 268

It's Wednesday night. I just woke from a nap, and I keep nodding off, so I'm going back to bed very soon. I thought I was going to just lose consciousness today, but God gave me strength. After getting up with Beck all night, I finally got back to sleep about three O'clock in the morning, then my phone rang at four. It was my ex wife telling me that they had taken my son by ambulance to the Hospital, but she didn't know what for. She lives three hours away, and my son lives with a room mate here across town. I threw some clothes on and shot over to the hospital to find him in the ER very sick and in a lot of pain. They had already done a CT scan before I got there, and they found a large kidney stone. Now I know that we as men will never truly know the pain of child birth, but trust me, I've had a kidney stone, and at some point during the passing of one, you pray for death. I remember clutching the toilet, screaming and praying at the same time, expecting Mt Everest to land in the water, so I know he was hurting. The doctors want him to try and pass it, so they sent him home this morning about eight. I took him by Sonic to get him something to drink because he was so dehydrated and nauseous, then we went by CVS to pick up his prescriptions, and I brought him here. Beck said he laid on the couch all day in pain and throwing up, but got better this evening, so he went home. Please keep him in your prayers. I told him that kidney stones are like problems in life, and just remember, "this too shall pass". 

Beck has had a good day. She's very tired tonight and we aren't going to be up long. She's still in pain but it's manageable. I have to work tomorrow, but in a few days, I'm going to take a couple of weeks off and stay with her during the day. I need to be here, and I could get more rest if I were here because she and I could take naps. If I keep going at this rate, I will crash and burn. I just got some fantastic news. It seems that two dear friends who I love with all of my heart may be coming to see us this weekend. I pray it happens! I won't say who they are until they get here, but these are two people who I trust with my life and I adore, and Beck feels the same way. One of them hasn't seen her since she got sick, so it will be a blessing if it happens. 

My eyes are crossing and I'm about to fall over, so I will write more tomorrow. God is definitely watching over us. All of the fear is still here, but he makes it alright sometimes. I'll take what I can get. I'm going to go warm up the bed and fix the covers for her. I know she wants to lay down soon. 

God Bless and good night! Sweet dreams!

Day 267

It's Tuesday night and we are watching the RNC, (Republican National Convention). I'm watching it with Beck's Mom and Dad. She went to bed a while ago. I put her PJ's on her, gave her meds to take, then tucked her in. After the night we had last night, I'm not surprised that she's exhausted. We actually got up out of bed four times, and one time she tried to get up but I've been tying our legs together. I asked her where she was going, and she said to get a bowl of Raisin Bran. I convinced her to lay back down due to the fact that it was three O'clock am. I'm running on pure adrenalin. My team had a meeting today at work. They said I dozed off a couple of times during a speech given by one of our outside contractors, but I kept nodding my head, so I guess I heard him subconsciously. I'm sitting on the porch right now and the wind is really picking up. Looks like we may have a storm tonight. I am working with my boss tomorrow, so I don't know when I'll be able to catch up on sleep. I have literally had six hours in the past three days. Eventually, I may just pass out, but so far so good. The good thing is that my boss knows everything that is going on, so if I fall out in front of him, it's all good.

Beck is still hurting, so we increased the pain meds. The doctor said to look for this to come. She hasn't been getting any exercise because it's hard for her to walk. I'm going to keep tying her leg to mine so she doesn't try to sleep walk again. She's okay with it because she doesn't remember getting up the next morning. My Baby is still fighting, and we are fighting with her. The war isn't over, and Christians never lose anyway. She is going to be fine. The rest of us, that remains to be seen.

I'm going to try and get a couple of winks. I would really like to stay up and see Chris Christy's speech, but I don't know if my mind will shut down before then. Lord, please give me strength to finish what you need for me to finish. This is a Journey. I know where the destination is for all of us, but the hard part is staying on the path. I am so in love with my beautiful wife. She's my Angel. I've loved her from the first time I met her. I knew I wanted to spend my life with her, and if I had know how this would go, it wouldn't have mattered. I treasure every second with her, and if she looks for me, she won't have to look far. I'll be right here beside of her, letting her know that it's all going to be okay.

Sweet Dreams, God Bless, and good night.

Day 266

Monday night and I wish I could say all is well, but it's deteriorating. Beck has been in a lot of pain all day. I tied her leg to mine last night and she tried to get up twice, and we did get up four times. She's hurting in the bottom of her back and spine. Her Dad bought her a blow up pillow to sit on, but between that, the heating pad, vicodin, and Alieve, she's still hurting. She went to bed about forty five minutes ago. She's also very disoriented and didn't know what day it was earlier. It may be exhaustion, or a combination of things. Either way, I'm going to bed in a few and try to sleep. We had a fantastic supper that Beck's Mom cooked, then my Uncle Tommy had an "Edible Arrangement" delivered to Beck. I baked a cake, so we are eating good. Beck's appetite is huge because of the steroids she is taking, and she hates them because they have blown her up, but they are keeping her alive by not allowing her brain to swell. She will probably be on them for the rest of her life. We know what's going on inside of her, so we are grateful at least for the steroids.

I broke down and cried for a while tonight. I've been holding it together pretty well, but all of this is overwhelming. It's like living with a grenade, waiting on it to go off. When I think about it, I still can't believe sometimes what is happening. It seems like so long ago that we would be going down the road on a date or somewhere with the kids, and I would look over and see her long, black hair, blowing in the wind. I would take her hand and tell her I love her, and she would look right through to my soul. Now, her gaze is different, but when she looks at me, it's still her, and the connection we have always had kicks in. If she didn't know me, it would absolutely destroy me, but she does. She knows I'm still her man and always will be, and that brings me to the question that haunts me day and night. What would I do without her? I know that I'm selfish for feeling that way, but I can't see past today, and I guess that's good. I know that God has a plan for me, and that I'm living it right now. I guess I'll just put my trust in him to guide me. I'm just terrified, angry, exhausted, and grief stricken. I can tell you that it's not a good feeling. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I don't know how much longer life will be like this, and you know what, I don't care. There is nothing I want more than for her to get well, but if that doesn't happen, I'll be right here. She is the one going through this, battling to live every day. I need to keep that in mind and not complain about my feelings. She really is all that matters right now.

I'm going to check on her and go to bed. Good night and God Bless!

There is the look I'm talking about, that look which always preceded a sweet kiss!

Day 265

It's Sunday night and almost time for bed. Today has been a very long day. I left this morning a little after seven to take Becka's sister Ruth to the airport in Charlotte. It's about two and a half hours round trip, but I needed extra coffee because we were up all night. I got up with Beck four times, then she got up by herself and fell walking through the living room. Luckily she caught herself on the piano. She says she doesn't even remember getting up or why she did in the first place. My son Dillon was sleeping on the couch and she scared him awake. It could have been a lot worse. I guess I'll have to tie one of her legs to one of mine. I know that sounds like a joke but it's not. I don't want her to get up without me. She's disoriented and sleep deprived. Anything could happen. Anyway, it was emotional at the airport with Ruth. I'm glad she is getting to go home to see her family, but I miss her already. It's comforting to know that she's here when I'm not. Becka's Mother is here and her father just got back this evening from Florida. He was supposed to be here tomorrow, but he drove straight through. I thank the Lord he made it here safely. I don't want this to sound sexist at all, but it's very comforting to have a man here when I can't be, especially a man of his stature.

Today was a good day and we had fun. We met JC and Carmen for lunch. I pushed Becka in her wheelchair to the table at Olive Garden. They were running late but we ordered an appetizer that got to the table at the same time they did. Carmen is doing much better than last time I saw her. She had a stroke a while back, and she's still paralyzed on her left side and has trouble walking, but at least she can walk and her speech was very good. JC is a very committed man. He loves his wife the way I love mine. We married them for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and you know the rest. He understands what my days are like, and vice verse. It's kind of a brotherhood. Today was a big step for Carmen. She doesn't like people looking at her because she's self-conscious, but she felt very comfortable around Becka. She gave both of us hugs and we had a fantastic meal. I had some type of dish that was stuffed noodles with four different kinds of cheese in a fabulous sauce. Becka had a seafood Alfredo dish. JC had chicken Parmesan, and Carmen had some soup and a salad, then we shared an appetizer and some bread. We were stuffed. By that time, Becka was worn out, so we came back here and she took a nap, and I mowed the front and back lawns and trimmed. Now I'm ready to fall over, literally. I just fixed Beck some lasagna and gave her the last steroid of the day. She's laid back in her chair and I know she's ready to go to bed. I already gave her a bath and put lotion on her head where it's cracking open due to the radiation.

We had a very honest conversation today about life and death with JC and Carmen. We all know that eventually, we are going to be with the Lord, but it's still not something we want to happen right now for some reason. I guess if we knew what Heaven is really like, we wouldn't think twice about it, but God has put in our hearts the desire to be with the ones we love. It had to come from him. I know that I long for Becka. The time we have spent together is priceless to me. I have all of these images in my head of things we have done together, and I want more. I want more memories like today. More date nights and long walks on the beach. More school recitals and plays. More family vacations and Christmas's. More birthdays, Easter Mornings, and anniversaries. I want more, but that's up to God. I guess if I had to pray to him and use one word to ask what I wanted, it would be more. That is why it's so important to treasure every second together. Time disappears like the blink of an eye, and that's okay. It's not how much time we have that is important, but what we do with the time that God gives us that really matters.

 I'm going in to kiss my Baby and put her to bed. Sweet dreams and God Bless.

Day 264

It's Saturday night and all is well. Becka is doing great today. Of course, she's very tired, but overall it's been a good day. I worked most of the day, then I took the kids to Walmart and let them pick what they want for lunch as school, we brought the groceries back home, then took off to my Niece's birthday party. I brought the kids home and dropped them off, then went to get the supplies Ruth needed to make Cole Slaw. Finally, I came back here and now every time I close my eyes, I fall asleep, so I'm going to try and write this quickly because I still need to help Becka in the shower and get her ready for bed. I think I'm past the point of exhaustion. We rescheduled our date at Olive Garden for tomorrow afternoon with JC and Carmen. I'm taking Ruth to the airport in the morning, then coming back here and I'm going to try and mow before we go. If not, I'll do it when we get home from lunch.

Today has been good. I made some money today and Becka has been affectionate with me all day, which is absolutely fantastic. When she calls me to her for a kiss, I kind of float across the room. Her body and mind have been through so much, and she still takes the time to make my day. I really do have an incredible wife!

I'm so very tired so I need to go to bed. I have to get up early to take Ruth, and I want to get a couple of hours of sleep in. 

Good night and God Bless!

Day 263

Finally Friday! It's been a good day. I worked all day, then my Mom and Stepdad brought us Mountain Fried Chicken for supper. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a Mountain Fried Chicken in their town. It's fabulous. We also had cole slaw, pasta, potato wedges, and baked apples. I'm stuffed! Beck had a good day, but her energy level is going down daily. She is still on the steroids, but she sleeps during the day and by bedtime, she's completely wiped out. The cancer and the treatments have take their toll on her, but she's a fighter. There is no quit in her. It was good for my Mom to see her. My Mother adores Becka, and so does the rest of my family. They know she's the best thing that ever happened to me. I've been told numerous times that if she ever kicked me to the curb, she's a permanent part of the family and I'm out!

 We received several blessings today. First, our friends Dwayne and Leslie sent us a check from the fund raiser they did for Becka, then one of my stores gave us a card that they all signed, and all of them chipped in a financial blessing, and finally a friend of mine and her husband sent Becka three dozen roses! They are absolutely beautiful and she loves them. Her Mom arranged them for her in a couple of vases. People never cease to amaze me. I want everyone to know that no matter what they do, it blesses us and we are grateful beyond words. Thank you!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going to work in the morning, then Becka and I are going to lunch with some friends, and I'm going back to work tomorrow evening. I need to make as much money as I can for now. Ruth is flying home Sunday, so I'm taking her to the airport Sunday morning. I'm dreading her leaving, but I'm happy for her as well. She needs to see her family and they need her. Becka's sisters are very special and unique. Their personalities are polar opposites, but their hearts are the same size and wouldn't fit in most people's chests. They are my sisters now, and I love them both. I would do anything for either of them, and I pray that God puts me in the position to make a difference in their lives one day.

We are watching Hannity together, then going to bed. It's been a long month. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm grateful for this one. My Baby is right beside of me, and I have a date with her tomorrow! We are going to Olive Garden so I can show this "Hottie" off! 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 262

Thursday night and it's been a good day. We are winding down for the night. We just watched "The American Bible Challenge". It's a new game show based on questions about the bible. Jeff Foxworthy is the host. We all enjoyed it, and I learned that Becka and her family are much better at it than I am. Just another reason to read the bible every day. It would be great if a lot more shows came on based on the Bible. Together we can put God back on television at least, because he's been taken out of everything else. I stayed home today. We had a good day together. Beck and her Mom are still working on photo albums. I worked out beside the house today, then I cooked a lasagna for supper. I cooked a huge pan so we will be eating it for days.  

Beck was up a lot last night. I woke up several times and she was listening to her IPOD. I pray that she's not afraid to go to sleep, even though we all are a little. I know my wife better than I know myself, and I can tell you, if she's afraid, she's not showing it. I can only imagine what must be going through her mind. She's so very strong. I believe that God has given her peace. She's always upbeat, even though she gets confused more and more these days. She forgets what she is doing, then comes right back. Hopefully, taking two steroids a day will help her with that. I'm going to work in the morning, but I'm not going far so that I can be home quickly if needed. We still have to eat and have lights, so I'm going to try and get as many hours in as possible.

I'm going to see if I can get her to go to bed. They are watching a cooking show, but I'm ready to collapse. I was going to take a nap today but never got around to it. One day at a time, that is how we are living. A friend of Becka's and her husband bought us a gift card to Olive Garden this Saturday. Thanks so much Erin Hammonds! We greatly appreciate it. We haven't been on a date in a while. That's one of the things I miss. Beck and I always had a "Date Night". I guess I took some things for granted. I could list a hundred things right now that I wish we could do again, but I know won't happen, so I'm holding on tight to my memories of them, and I'm grateful for them. If I could give a word of advice to anyone reading this, it would be two words, "Do It". Don't talk about going places together or trying new things, go there and try them tomorrow. Do it before you can't do it. Becka and I wanted to go to DC in the fall. That will be one of the things on my bucket list. One day maybe, but if you love someone, and you want to do something special with that person, please don't wait. Just get up and do it the first chance you have. Our memories are everything, but the one thing that we never know if we will have enough of is Time. Don't let your time run out. Use every second of every day to it's fullest. As for me, I have no regrets. The time God has given me with my love is priceless. I loved my life when Becka said "I Do", and I love my life now. She's my Angel!

Good night and God Bless.

Day 261

It's Wednesday night I think. The days kind of run together. I just got home from taekwondo. I'm behind because I broke my toe, so now I have to play catch-up if I want to test for my black stripe next month. I'm so tired and beat up, and now I'm worried. It's been a good day so far. I worked all day and got a lot accomplished, then I came home and we had supper. It was great, and afterwards Andrew and I picked up my friend Lee and went to class. When I got home, Beck was watching "America's got Talent". By the looks of the competition this year, I don't think America does have talent. Not on this show anyway. 

It's so hard for me to type right now because my eyes won't focus. I only got about three hours of sleep last night, if that. Beck was up a lot last night. She has good nights and bad nights, and last night was bad. She knows that I never want her to get up by herself, so she taps me on the leg until I wake up. If I don't get some sleep, she will have to use a megaphone to wake me. Anyway, I put her to bed a few minutes ago, and she asked me to check on her during the night in case she died in her sleep. The doctor, for some reason, told her the other day that she would probably lay down one night and not wake up. I guess he was being honest, but it really affected her. It affected Ruth and me as well, but we weren't sure if Becka heard him say that. Turns out she did, and that would account for why she can't sleep at night. She's scared she won't wake up the next morning. I have no idea right now about how to comfort her in this situation. I told her that he was wrong, and that I knew people who were given months to live and then went on to live for years. After I said that, she said she's going to continue to fight this with diet and prayer. We really don't know what tomorrow will bring. We have seen the progression, and I can say that now because I said it in front of her at the doctor the other day. Becka has good days and bad days, but for the most part, she has what's called the "Sundown" effect. She starts out strong in the morning, and her mind is sharp, but as the day wears on and fatigue sets in, she becomes confused and slows down. I really wish the doctor hadn't said that the other day, because I'm thinking that she's afraid to sleep now. Who wouldn't be? There is no doubt that she isn't afraid of what's to come for us all. When a believer in Christ dies, they know where they are going, but we have unfinished business here. At least I would like to think we do.

I'm looking forward to Saturday when we are having lunch with our friends JC and Carmen. I absolutely love Olive Garden's food as well, and so does Beck. We are going to have a great time I'm sure. Every second with her means everything to me. I pray we have many memories to make together. 

I'm so tired that I'm about to fall over, so I'm going to bed. Good night and God Bless. Sweet dreams!

Day 260

It's Tuesday night and we are winding down for the evening. I'm fixing to put Beck to bed then go myself. It's been a good day all around. I worked all day, then came home and we had supper. Ruth and Becka's Mom cooked a fantastic meal. They cooked a pork roast in the crock pot that was fabulous, and made some cole slaw and squash casserole. After supper, I took the kids to Andrew's open house and met his teachers. I had planned to go to Taekwondo tonight, but we took too long at the school and I'm exhausted. I can barely hold my eyes open writing this.

I had lunch with JC today, and we are going out to eat Saturday with him and his wife. We are going to Olive Garden and Beck is looking forward to it. 

I'm sorry but my head is still impacted from the sinus infection, so I have to go to bed. All is well tonight, and we are grateful for another day. Praying for another one! I'm working all this week, then Ruth is going home this weekend and I'm taking off permanently at that point. I know that God will provide for us, so I'm not worried about it. He is in charge!


Good night and God Bless!

Day 259

It's Monday night and I just got home. It's been an up and down day. We went to see Becka's doctor this morning and got her results. The MRI showed that the tumors are still in her brain, but they haven't grown any due to the last round of radiation. That part is good. He also bumped her back up to two steroids a day. Then he told her that at the present time, there is no more treatment available. He can't do any chemotherapy, and even if he could, it doesn't work on the brain, and she can't have any more radiation. He says he's more concerned right now with her quality of life, which is very good. She's still fighting and I can't see her stopping anytime soon. She's fighting her cancer with diet and prayer. The doctor gave me a huge hug. We owe him a debt of gratitude for all that he's done. It occurred to me that when a doctor is in medical school, they can choose any type of practice to go in to, but the doctors that choose Oncology are special. They aren't doing it for the money. They devote their lives to saving others and enriching people's lives. I can sit here and wish all day that medical science had a way to treat brain cancer, but right now it doesn't exist, so we appeal to the great and only healer, the Lord God. It's completely in his hands now. It always has been, but it's to him that we turn for everything now.

 My Baby is sitting up typing on the computer right now. Today is all we have to begin with, so we have made the most of it. I'm taking off of work as much as possible, but we still have to eat and have lights, so I have to work some, but I need to be beside her. I need to reach out and her be there. Just for today, we are grateful for our family. We have something special here. I could look my whole life and never find the love that I've found in Becka. I have no doubt that right now, at this time in history, we were meant to be together. 

Becka's sister Ruth made supper tonight. It was a taco dish that she made with crescent rolls in a circle. It was very good, and after supper, I went to the North Carolina Republican National Committee Headquarters and worked the phones for a couple of hours. I had a fantastic time hanging out with other conservatives. I'm going to work there again in a couple of days. It is a release for me, and it's very important to me as well.

I don't know where we go from here. It's all in God's hands, but we aren't going to waste a second of the time we have left, whether it be hours or years. As I was on my way home tonight, I took a picture of the sunset. It was so beautiful and it touched my heart. God is with us, all around us. He feels our pain and gives us peace. Tomorrow is a new day, and we are grateful for this one. 

I'm going to bed with my gorgeous wife. Good night and God Bless. Thanks.

Here is a picture of the sunset. Look at this and tell me there isn't a God who loves us.

Day 258

Sunday night and I'm grateful. I'm grateful for today which was a good one. My headache is gone, probably due to the antibiotic kicking in. We started off right this morning. Becka's parents took us out to breakfast at IHOP. Her Dad always takes pictures no matter where we go. You can always tell a man who loves his family. I enjoyed getting Becka ready to go. She wore her pink hat, and I put her earrings on for her, as well as all of her bracelets, her watch, and her necklace. She looked fantastic, and had a great meal. You can't go wrong at IHOP. 

We came back here and I cleaned up a while, then we watched a few episodes of 24. We love Jack Bauer. That was such a great show. I wish it still came on, and Kieffer Sutherland is a great actor. This evening, the ladies cooked supper in the crock pot. It was some type of chicken dish that they didn't like, so I doubt we will ever have it again. I drove to get the kids, and got stuck in traffic in Greensboro for two hours. I was so frustrated until I got up to the wreck. Then I bowed my head and prayed for the people that they were cutting out of the car. Some morons were driving around six dune buggies on the highway, and apparently one of them flipped and caused a horrible wreck with probably ten cars. The fire department was cutting one of the cars open with the jaws of life. After I saw that, I didn't mind the wait. I pray that they were okay.

Tomorrow is a big day, and I'm not looking forward to it. We get Becka's test results back, and they will make a decision on which way to go from here. She hasn't been reading my blog because she can't focus her eyes very well at night, so let me just say, we are praying for a miracle and preparing for the worst. Please keep her in your prayers. I plan on going to work after we get out of the doctor, but it all depends on how she is. We see the progression every day. It's like Becka goes a little farther away, then she comes back, so we really don't know. We are all full of fear, but we trudge on together and carry each other sometimes. I have a good friend named JC who I talk to on a regular basis. He and his wife Carmen were at our wedding. Several years ago, Carmen had to go out of town to a convention in Arizona, but when she didn't show up one day, they checked on her and found her in the hotel shower. She had fallen and had a massive stroke. She's forty nine years old. He flew to Arizona and couldn't bring her home for three months until her condition stabilized. He has helped me because our lives are intermingled. Both of our lives and plans for the future changed overnight, and we devoted the rest of our lives to taking care of our wives who needed us. He understands when I say that I don't want to leave the house, because I'm afraid of what might happen when I'm gone. He knows what it's like to see our vibrant, beautiful wives stricken down in their primes and succumb to illness. He too understands that there are certain things that she wants only him to do for her. It tears our hearts out and stomps them in the ground, but the fellowship he and I share is invaluable. It's like we have our own little support group. We share stories, tears, and prayer with each other. We usually don't get off of the phone without crying. I really do love the guy. 

I just put Beck to bed, and I'm headed there myself. Tonight for some reason, the 23rd Psalm is running through my mind. I know God is all around me, giving me strength. I'm praying for another day with the love of my life. Every day together is a gift. It always has been, I just took it for granted, until now.

Good night and God Bless!

Day 257

It's Saturday night and I'm still reeling from the medicines I took today. I have a sinus infection apparently, so this morning, Ruth gave me a Claritin D. Warning - Don't take it unless you want to feel like you've been taking amphetamines all day. It took the top of my head off, but it worked. My head doesn't hurt. I started on an antibiotic tonight, so that ought to knock it out. Beck's parents took the kids to Burlington this morning so that I could go to work, which is an hour drive one way. They never mind doing anything for us no matter what it is. I worked most of the day, then I brought home some barbecue for supper, and Beck's Dad led us in a Bible study. He's been studying and preaching the word for a very long time, so it was great. We studied the different baptisms, and the day of Pentecost from Acts. He has a way of explaining things so that I don't misinterpret what I'm reading and I can understand it. He really is a wonderful, unique man who believes in traditional values and loves the Lord. I love to watch Becka's parents together, because they are the classic love story and they adore each other. I understand that because today, I have the same thing. The woman of my dreams is inside on her lift chair / recliner watching the "Food Network". It's okay because football season is almost upon us!

 She hasn't had much energy today but she says she's feeling good. She's still taking one and a half steroids per day until tomorrow, then she will start one a day. She scared everyone yesterday by blacking out for a few seconds. We are all on pins and needles. Beck has always been an independent woman and I know it's hard for her to need help, so sometimes we overdo it. We just need for her to know that when she does need us, Ruth, Mom, Dad, or I will be right there. Becka's family is tight. There is no animosity between them, They have no grievances or outcasts. When one of them is in need, they are all there on the spot. You can look at them and tell that they were brought up to love God and each other, and that came from their parents. Beck's Mom and Dad set quite an example, and I've learned that unless I live what I preach, the kids won't follow suit. They learn from what I do, not what I say, so when Andrew sees me treating his mother the way God wants me to, he learns to treat his wife the same way one day. It's taken me a while to learn on my own, because my father was sick and abusive at times, so he lost my mother, but he had no father to teach him. I'm glad that I inherited my Mother's heart. I'm blessed to have a conscience, and I know for a fact that it came from learning to love and trust in the Lord. I've said before that I didn't love anyone but myself in the past, but now all of that has changed because I changed. 

I have to say how grateful I am to Beck's sisters. Ruth has been here twice for extended stays, and I don't know what I would do without her, but I know that she is giving up being with her husband and kids to take care of Beck, and me. It hurt my heart tonight at supper because she shouted "Woo Hoo". She had just gotten a message that her son had scored a goal in soccer. I know how proud she is of her children, because she's got some great kids, but I also know that it had to hurt not to be there to see it. Sometime soon, she deserves to go on a cruise with her family and catch up. It's times like today that don't come back, but she's willing to miss it because she loves her sister. Sacrifice is the sign of a true Christian, and she definitely fits that bill. So does Beck's other sister Debbie, who I miss and wish was here with us. Debbie has given of herself without even thinking about it, and I know it's killing her to not be here. Just know Debbie that you are in our hearts and prayers every day if you are reading this. By the way Deb, I've deafened three telemarketers with the air horn since you've been gone! I love it when they call now!

This journey continues today and we are along for the ride. I'm going to give my gorgeous wife a bath, put lotion all over her, and tuck her in for the night. Then I'm going to wait for this medicine to burn itself out and try to go to sleep as well, lol. I guess we learn from out mistakes, and I've learned that Clariten and I don't mix.

Sweet dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope!

x

Day 256

Friday night and I still have a touch of a headache. I think it's sinus and lack of sleep. I laid down last night and my phone rang about twelve o'clock. It was my Mom and my Stepdad. They had a water line break in their basement, so I went over there and got it stopped until they could get a plumber out there today. I got back home and couldn't go to sleep, so I actually got about four hours last night. I'm fixing to go right now. I'm not even going to watch Football, (but I did watch the first quarter of the Panthers / Dolphins game). I'm a huge Redskin fan, so I'm looking very forward to this year! Of course, I look forward to every year, then they turn out to be awful. 

Beck has had a good day today, but she blacked out for a few when she stood up this morning, so we are keeping a close eye on her. She's still taking the steroids, but she's coming off of them and her body is reacting to it. I may wrap her in bubble wrap for a while. 

I'm going to bed. I'll let you know tomorrow how I'm feeling. Hopefully better. Good night and God Bless.

Day 255

It's Thursday night and whatever I picked up is still hitting me hard. My head is hurting and has all day long, and I'm going to bed soon. This day has been a whirlwind of activity. Becka had her MRI today. It went well, and we go back to the doctor on Monday for the results. She's sleeping in her chair right now. I'm watching her through the back door. I sit on the back porch and write this so that I won't be distracted.

 Becka's Mother, Sister Ruth, and her finished a wedding album of our pictures today. As I looked through it, I couldn't hold back the anger coming up in me. That's probably why I have a headache, because of the stress. It feels like sinus as well, but the album really got to me. It's absolutely beautiful. They did a fantastic job. It chronicles the wedding in detail. It shows Beck getting ready and everyone that helped out, all the way through the service and the honeymoon. I love it, but it reminds me of what I want and can't have, which is for her to be well and feel good again. I hate cancer so much that if it were a living being, I would torture it to death. I guess that it's all in perception, because one way of looking at the album is painful in the way that I want what is there to be here now, but I could look at it a different way, and remember the best times of my life. I need to watch what I say or do right now, because anger is a way of dealing with grief, and I don't want to take it out on someone. Believe me when I say that I have a huge chip on my shoulder, and I'm begging  someone I don't love to knock it off. I know that's wrong, so that's why I'm telling you, and I can pray about it and ask God to remove it. I want my life back with my beautiful, sweet, angel of a wife. She's still with me, and I adore her, but watching her this sick all of the time tears at me. I want her to feel good again no matter what it takes. I understand now what people go through when a loved one is fighting cancer or any other disease. I keep asking God what possible good this is doing and how does this glorify him? I'll never understand as long as I'm human. I feel helpless, powerless, and useless, all at the same time. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's Becka that is always on my mind and my heart. I've said it before, if she's okay, then I'm okay, but as long as she's not, then I won't be either. I'm grateful to my family and friends for giving me leeway and knowing that I'm not the biggest jerk in the world. I have people that love me, and I need to remember these times when they carried me as well.

I'm going to get her in to bed then go myself. Good night and God Bless. I know he's up there listening, and he knows that all of us are in pain. I'm waiting for him to make the next move, because I'm out of them. Tomorrow is another day. I'm grateful for this one.

Good night.

Day 254

It's Wednesday night and I'm feeling much better than last night. I went to the doctor and I'm going to be fine. I'm just exhausted and not eating right, so I'm taking vitamins. I'm technically off of work for the rest of the week, but I'm going in tomorrow after Becka's MRI for a while. Work is therapy to me. There are many things I would love to tell you on here, but they will have to wait. Let me just say that things are changing every day. Becka is still not hurting and she's getting around, but she's not on any kind of treatment. We will find out tomorrow hopefully if there is anything else that they can try. Everything seems to "progress" at a more rapid rate as the days go by. Becka is taking a steroid and a half every day this week. Next week she will cut down to one a day. My Angel is the strongest woman I have every known. She has fought the best fight and won so far, and she has an army behind her. Becka has gone through pain, sickness, and extreme remorse, and has carried herself with dignity and grace. Cancer has never broken her and it never will. We will fight to the end and give God all of the glory. We treasure every single moment of every day, as we should even if we weren't fighting for her life. Every breath is a gift from God and I thank him for them. I'm not angry with God anymore, but I'm depending on him to grant Beck grace and mercy, and carry all of us to the finish line. As Christians, we know that we will all be together in the end. I don't know how people make it through a day without faith. If I didn't think that Becka was going to be okay no matter what, then I would be a basket case, but I know that no matter how much I love her, God loves her more because I'm not capable of the kind of Agape love that only he is able to give. As far as Becka goes, I am her husband, her soul mate, her lover, her friend, her companion, her nurse, her caretaker, her chauffeur, her provider, her defender, and the protector of her children, and I'm grateful for every single one. The last five years of my life have changed my heart, and even though it isn't going the way I planned, they have been the best years of my life. My place is by her side.

I'm going to bed early tonight. I need more sleep than I've been getting, so God Bless and thanks so much for all of the support. This blog is how I vent and express my feelings, and it's therapy for me. It never occurred to me that you might read it and understand. Tonight I give thanks to God for another day, I ask him for another, and I pray that just for today, I have been the man he wanted me to be. I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. You might say I'm a "work in progress", and if you see any good in me, it's because of God and Becka. I had nothing to do with it.

Sweet Dreams

Day 253

It's Tuesday night and this will be short because I've been sick all day. I came home from work this afternoon and went to bed, then I slept most of the day. I think I've come down with a bug that has taken all of the energy out of me, or I'm just crashing from exhaustion and worry. Either way, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm going to start taking B-12 in the mean time and try to get more rest. I think I'm just worn out. Becka has been sleeping a lot, so she's going to take half of a steroid at night for a week, then taper down. 

I'm going to go back to bed in a few. Good night and God Bless. See you tomorrow.

Day 252

It's Monday night and we are watching a pretty cool show called "Stars Vrs Stripes". Special Forces military trainers are working with stars and they are competing for charity. God Bless our troops who give us the freedom to drink coffee, eat oreos, and write blogs! Today has been a very difficult day. Becka and I were up most of the night. We were sitting in the living room at three oclock in the morning, so I dragged all day, and the worst part was that I was working with some very "high up" people in the company, but they all know that Becka is sick, so they gave me a break. I came home feeling like a zombie, and laid down for almost two hours. I feel much better now. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Becka has been sleeping a lot the past two days. She's down to one steroid a day now, which scares me but I'm glad because she's feeling better. I helped her in the shower this morning before I left for work. I'm going to work in the morning, but then I'm coming home. She told me that she cried today because I wasn't here. The bond we share is very unique, in my case anyway. I've never been closer to anyone. Ruth and Becka's parents are here with her and they have things under control, but I just feel like I need to be here too. I'm going to work as much as I can this week, then make some decisions when she has her MRI this Thursday. We will know so much more then. I have to go pick up Autumn at her friend's house and I'll be right back.

Okay, just did the "cool Dad" thing. I love being a Dad and a Step Dad. The kids know that they can trust me, and I'll protect them with my life. For so many years, I lived my life for me. It was all about me, how I felt, what I wanted, what I could do for me. I was so selfish and self centered, almost sociopathic at times. Now, my entire life revolves around my family, and how can I better their lives. When I lived for me, I was always empty inside. There was always this hole in me that nothing could fill. Now, I figured out that Love is the only thing that will fill that hole. The most gratifying thing I can do is when I do something for someone else anonymously. It's when only God and I know about it that I'm truly selfless, but my nature wants to put it on a billboard because I want the recognition and the pat on the back. It's at times like that when I need to check my motives as to why I'm doing it in the first place. I was created by God, for God, and everything I do is supposed to be for his Glory. I can't grasp the concept of a perfectly Holy God, but one day I will be able to. I've been mad at God several times this year because I don't understand why some things are happening, but I know that he understands why I've been mad and forgives me. My Father-in-Law said something the other day that really hit home with me. He said that if our salvation was based on 99% of what Christ did and 1% of what I do, then I would never truly know if I was saved. I can have peace of heart knowing that my salvation is entirely based on what Christ did on the cross, so I can forgive myself for the things I have done that I know aren't pleasing to God. If I didn't think that we will all live forever and be together with the Lord, I wouldn't make it through this or anything else.

Becka is ready for bed, so I'm going myself. God Bless and sweet dreams. Praying for another day with my love, and thanking God for this one!

Day 251

Sunday night already. We are watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. I must say hats off to the Brits. They did a great job. The United States rocked and rolled. We won the most medals, and the most gold medals. American exceptional-ism still exists. Today was actually a good day. Becka's Dad is leading us in a bible study at night. We cooked barbecue chicken and corn on the grill tonight and we all ate together, then I baked a red velvet cake. Becka's appetite is still ravenous because of the steroids, which is very good. I'm so glad she is eating. She cuts down to one steroid a day starting tomorrow, then she has an MRI of her brain this Thursday, and a CAT scan on Friday. We will know a lot more this week. I fixed her lift chair and the clothes dryer today as well, so it was a productive day. 

I am totally spent, and I'm going to bed in a few. I'm so torn inside about what to do, and I would appreciate any input. Put yourself in my shoes. I'm taking FMLA and I've been told my several of my supervisors that my job is secure, but I'm still working. Becka's Mom and Dad and her sister are here for her, but there are a couple of things that she only wants me doing. On one hand, it's therapy for me to go to work and I'm making money, but on the other, I feel like I shouldn't leave the house. Every time I leave I'm full of fear and I can't wait to get back. My heart is here. I know she's fine when I'm at work because they are taking fantastic care of her, but I don't want to miss anything. I want to be by her side constantly. I really don't know what to do and I'm praying about it. We will know more after the tests, so I guess I'll just wait and see how things go. In the mean time, I going to try and make as much money as I can, I'm so full of fear all of the time. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I have no peace in my heart at all. 

I'm so tired so I'm going to try and talk her in to going to bed now. Good night and God Bless. Please pray for wisdom and strength to see this through.

Day 250

Okay, it's really Saturday night this time. I got ahead of myself last night. Sleep deprivation causes the days and nights to run together. Today has been a very good day and we are grateful for it. Ruth got here safely! Her flights went well and I thank the Lord she's here. The more family that is with Becka, the more support we all have. We had a birthday party for my son today and everyone showed up. We bought him some pots and pans, a set of dishes, and a watch. He had a good time and everything went smoothly. I tend to be claustrophobic, but today wasn't bad. I'm fine with heights, but tight spaces with a lot of people drives me crazy, and I hate elevators. Today I was fine with everyone being in the house though. I guess it was because I had Beck on my mind. She's always on my mind, no matter what I am doing or supposed to be thinking about. She had a good day and it was nice for everyone to get to see her. She's loving her lift chair! I need to work on it tomorrow though. It has a short somewhere under it, but I should be able to fix it easily.

I'm so very grateful for the good days. My worst day with Becka is better than my best day alone. No matter what the situation brings, our relationship gets better every day. We have always been close, but I never dreamed that I would be this close to someone else in my life. Only God can put the kind of love in my heart that I feel for her, and I give him all of the credit. 

We are going to bed soon. We've been up way too long. Same time tomorrow I hope. I'm thanking God for this fantastic day, and praying for another like it. God Bless and sweet dreams!

Day 249

It's Saturday night and I'm not going to tell anyone that I feel like playing in traffic tonight. I just got Becka out of the shower. We had pizza for supper, and then we watched "The Lorax". It was a good little family movie. What is eating at me is reality and pictures. I'll explain. The reality of what is going on is torturing me constantly now. When I think of the fact that Beck has tumors in her brain and she's not taking any kind of treatment for them, I can hardly function, but I'm doing the best I can. The other things that are hitting me hard tonight are pictures. Becka and her Mom have been going through old pictures all day and they are scrap booking. Beck posted a video on facebook today that she made on our first wedding anniversary. It's a short video of pictures of the two of us from childhood all the way to present day. In essence, it chronicles our lives. I never want her to see me upset, but tonight when it was just me and her, and I watched the video for the first time in years, I broke down. Kind of like I'm doing right now as I write this. I keep telling myself to "man up", but it isn't working. When she saw me upset tonight, she told me she loved me. At that point, I'm glad there weren't any sharp objects close. I've never felt this way, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been trying to hold it in, but there are times when that is impossible. I pray to God to help me through this, and he does. I know he's giving me strength, because left to my own devices, there is no way I could make it through a day. I have to though, for her and the kids. They are all that keep me going sometimes. They look to me for strength, and sometimes I have to "Fake it until I make it". Staying in "today" is so hard when the past is all around me and the future is so uncertain. I adore this wonderful woman who God gave my heart to, and if she looks for me, I'll be right by her side. I don't want to leave for work anymore. Not because she's not in good hands, because she is. Her parents are here and they are Angels, and her sister is coming back tomorrow. I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to miss another second of her life. I want to be right beside of her on this train of life, riding where God takes us, and I trust in his will and plan, but right now, I don't particularly care for his plan. I know that my mind can't grasp his infinite wisdom, and somewhere in this is Glory for him, but I just don't see it right now, and that's okay. The Father knows how I feel, and when I hurt, he hurts. It's no different than when one of our children gets hurt and it tears us up inside until they are okay. Tonight I'm praying that he will pull out this sword that is stuck through the center of me, if only for a while. Becka seems to be okay. She's at peace and is happy most of the time. She's walking better and seems to feel better. I'm grateful for that. It tells me that God does know what he's doing, even if I don't.

I'm going to get her in bed and try to rest myself. Autumn is spending the night away, so it's just Andrew, her, and me. We are having a birthday party for my son Dillon tomorrow. He just turned twenty one. Cake and ice cream, then a nap. That sounds like a plan.

God Bless and good night. 

Day 248

Thursday night and I had a very good day! Here is my version of a good day with the present circumstances. I started out this morning looking for Becka a "Lift Chair". A lift chair is exactly what it sounds like. It's a recliner that lifts you to standing position. I started out calling the insurance companies. We have United Healthcare through Becka's work, and Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Carolina through mine. After fifteen calls, neither of them would pay for the chair. The cheapest one I could find was seven hundred and fifty dollars, so I was sitting here racking my brain, when I thought, "I'll try Craigslist". There were about five on Craigslist and I started calling. I got in touch with a lady in a town close by who had one for sale and she was asking $175.00. I called her and said that I wanted to come look at it after work, then I went and worked with two of my Supervisors for a while. After work I met her and the chair is an older one but it works great. I told her I would give her a hundred and she accepted, so we loaded it up and I brought it home. It is exactly what Becka needed. She loves it! As a matter of fact, after I gave her a shower, lotion, and PJ's, she fell asleep in it, but she can stand right up now no problem! We went to Walmart and bought a cover for it. It was nice to get her out of the house, although she took out an entire rack of Bissel vacuum cleaners with the motorized mart cart she was riding. She thought it was funny, so it's all good! There were vacuum cleaners laying everywhere! One lady was determined to play "chicken" with Becka on her cart. The woman lost.

 After we left Walmart, we went by Lowes, or as I call it, "Heaven on Earth", and I bought something cool. It's a stand that goes under the toilet seat and it comes up to give you two handles to hold on to on the toilet. I installed it and I bought a bar and put it on the wall next to the toilet to pull up with. In other words, I'm handicapping the house. We moved the couches around to put her seat in the living room. I can't tell you how much she loves it, or how happy it makes her to be independent again. I feel really good about today. My Baby is happy, asleep, and snug as a bug. I put her to bed and prayed with her. We thanked God for today, and asked him for another one. It's all in his hands. Time means so much to me now. Every second with Becka is an eternity for me. Sometimes I lay there and just stare at her. I try not to think about anything except the fact that the most beautiful woman in the world is laying next to me. If my mind wanders, I know it because my chest gets heavy and my heart starts to burn. Everyone has experienced heartache in this world of one form or another, but I've never felt grief that made everything in my body hurt and stopped me from breathing, until now. It has taught me that there is true love in this world, but it comes with a price, one of which I only intend to pay once in my life.

I'm going to listen to her breath for a while and pray. God is good, and he made today great. One more side note, I said that the chair cost a hundred. When we got home tonight and checked the mail, a friend of Becka's from Tennessee has sent us a check for a hundred. There are no coincidences! 

God Bless and sweet dreams. If you love someone, please make sure and tell them, and by the way, I love all of you!

Day 247

It's Wednesday night and today was a little better. Some special things happened today. I called the "Sean Hannity" show and both Becka and I talked to Sean on the air. Sean was so kind to her and loving, and he's sending her a surprise to brighten her day. Several people heard us on the air. The biggest reason I wanted Becka to be on there is because millions of Christians listen to Sean Hannity, and they will pray for her. I didn't work today. I stayed around and took care of her. I did manage to mow the front and side lawns and cut back a few trees. I let Andrew use the chain saw for the first time. He wasn't afraid of it at all and he did great. Becka's Mom cooked supper, then the kids and I went to my Mother's house for my Uncle's birthday party. We were up ALL night last night, so I can barely think. I'm calling it a night in a few.

Becka's sister Ruth is coming back this weekend. I'm so glad because I need to go to work. We gotta eat! 

I already gave Beck a shower and tucked her in to bed, so I'm headed there myself. I have to skip coffee in the morning because I'm having lab tests done. I'll see you tomorrow I hope! God Bless!

Day 246

Tuesday night and it's like living in a nightmare sometimes that just gets worse. I went to work this morning, and I've come to the point that I'm not going to be able to work anymore. I'm applying for FMLA. My boss is submitting the forms for me. I need to be here with her right now. Her parents are here and they are wonderful. They are taking good care of her, but she can't get up or walk by herself. She sent me a few text messages today at work hinting that she needed me here, so I took off at 2:30 and hurried home to find that she had fallen in the bathroom and couldn't get up. My heart sunk because she was crying and waiting for me to get there. They have had her on massive doses of steroids and they are bringing her off of them which effects her motor skills. I picked her up and held her for the longest time. We danced last night together when I picked her up off of the couch. I need to be here for several reasons, and my boss is fine with it, but I'm still taking FMLA. I'm taking the kind where I can work during that time and the days I take off won't count against me. 

I'm sorry but I'm torn up inside today. The sight of her sitting there on the floor waiting on me broke my heart, and I was already upset. The President of the United States used a woman who died of cancer in an attack add so that he can try to win re-election. That is all I will say about that here because I've never included politics in my blog. (That's for my Facebook Page). I called the "Sean Hannity" show and talked to a producer who told me that it was too late in the day for me to be on the show, but she is going to call me tomorrow and have me on. I also talked to "Bo Snerdly" today. He is the producer of the Rush Limbaugh show. He is going to try to get Rush to call Becka tomorrow, but she doesn't know it and she's already gone to bed. I tucked her in a while ago, then I re-dressed Autumn's wound. It's healing up nicely and she only has one more antibiotic to take. Her little brother was born today! Seth Clouse came in to the world this evening and everything went fine. The mother is doing good and he weighed over nine pounds! 

Becka and I had a talk tonight. I told her that I wanted her to live for a hundred years, but I had to prepare for the worst and pray for the best, because if she does go to Heaven, I will be a basket case. She understood, and we prayed together as we do every night. We always have since before we got married. Some people ask us why we have such a good relationship. That is the biggest reason. We put God at the head of everything, then we can sit back and enjoy each other rather than look for the fault. When I look at her, I see no wrong. I see the perfect woman who God created for me. I told her tonight that I wouldn't be able to get through this if I didn't know she was saved and that she was going to live forever. I said that I knew she wanted to stay with us, but when she got up there with the Lord, she would wonder why she wanted to stay. I want to grow old with my wife, but right now the most important thing for me is for her to be at peace because we are both full of fear and anguish at times. I'm clinging to her so tight that if God wants her anytime soon, he will have to tear my fingers off. We have faith in the Father's plan even though we don't understand it, but one day we will. For now, we know that all we have is today, and we are making the best out of every second that God gives us together. We are also giving him thanks and all of the Glory for it. Time is so precious. I wish it hadn't took me this long to find that out.

I'm going to watch a little of the Olympics then go to bed. Good night and God Bless as always. Same time tomorrow I hope.

Day 245

Monday night and it's been a good day. We are grateful for good days. We had Wendy's for supper, and I just gave Becka a shower. She's sitting on the couch watching TV with Autumn. Our friend Carolyn came by a little while ago to see Beck, and her parents left some time ago. Carolyn is so wonderful. She sends Becka cards all of the time, and her son takes Taekwondo with Andrew. She has a heart the size of Texas. 

We are relaxing tonight. It's been a very stressful year. I took Autumn back to the doctor when I got off of work and they took out her packing. Her staff infection is just about healed up, but it's hurting her. She's still on antibiotics and she's taking Advil for the pain. We cut back even farther on Becka's steroids today. They had her on such a high dose that it was making her feel bad and has blown her up. She has to taper down steroids over a period of time. 

I worked with my boss today and his boss. I told them that I needed to take more work off to be with her, and they told me that whatever I needed to do was fine. They said my job is secure and if they could help to just let me know. They even said that if they needed to bring in mechanics from other areas to cover for me that they would. I'm truly amazed at the heart of Food Lion as a whole. They have gone above and beyond what most companies would do. I thank God every day for my job. He knew what he was doing when he led me there. 

Please pray for the kid's Dad and Stepmom. They are at the hospital and "Seth" should be coming in to the world about now. Please pray that everything goes smoothly. 

I'm past exhaustion. We get up several times a night and it's hard to go back to sleep because I watch her for a while. She's starting to nod off on the couch, so I'm going to get her to bed. My Baby needs me, and I need her. I always have and always will. She is a big part of the man I am today because she loved me before I could love myself. I'm so blessed to be where I am. I need to keep that in mind as the days go by and things change. All will be revealed one day. Until then, I'm learning the meaning of "Blind Faith". 

Good night and God Bless. Sweet Dreams.