It's Wednesday night and I think my brain is shutting down. I'm trying to think about too many things at once. I really have to watch myself right now, because the fact is that I'm angry and hurt, and I don't want to take it out on someone. I got home from work and Autumn and I went to my Mother's house. She's having her dog put to sleep in the morning. They have had him for nineteen years, and I went to say goodbye. He's been a fantastic part of our family, and it will be an incredible loss. Please keep her and my Stepdad in your prayers. I got caught up in the middle of some "confusion" today. I've been praying about it, and I haven't come up with any answers. Let me put it this way. When it comes to Becka or the kids, I have a huge protective instinct. My defenses are always up, and I make the wrong judgement calls sometimes. I have also had a problem trusting people my whole life, but a lot of that had to do with the people I surrounded myself with. There wasn't any "integrity" in my inner circle, including me. Now the people I have around me I trust with my life. We have the most wonderful friends and family we could ever hope for, and I love you all. Please forgive me if I am a jerk. It's not personal. If I act like a jerk, that probably means I've acted like a jerk to everyone that day. I'm usually fine when I get home and see her sitting on the couch, and I hear the words, "Hey Baby". Being away from her during the day kills me. I'm going to have to take FMLA soon. I don't want to leave her side. My boss has assured me that my job is secure, but even if I lost it, God would lead me. I'm missing too much during the day, and I'm not doing my best work anyway because She is all I think about.
When I got home from my Mother's, I gave her a shower then put lotion all over her, so she feels better. She's in her PJ's on the couch looking gorgeous as usual! Okay I had to step away from the computer for a second. I gave her a vicodin a little while ago because she was hurting and the Alieve didn't work, and she was nodding off, so I just put her to bed. I'm scared about next week. Debbie is going home. Becka's parents will be here, but the more people who are with her during the day, the better I feel. Her Mom and Dad will take excellent care of her. I just wish I could be here. I'm going to make that happen tomorrow. I'm praying for guidance. My Pastor/Friend told me a couple of weeks ago that when I'm making decisions about Becka, I'll know when it's God's Will because I will have peace in my heart. I'm praying that God will continue to give me strength and wisdom past my own to see this through. There is no way I could do this without him.
I'm going to unwind, watch the Olympics, and go to bed. Good night and God Bless! Thank You for being you!
