Becka's Mother, Sister Ruth, and her finished a wedding album of our pictures today. As I looked through it, I couldn't hold back the anger coming up in me. That's probably why I have a headache, because of the stress. It feels like sinus as well, but the album really got to me. It's absolutely beautiful. They did a fantastic job. It chronicles the wedding in detail. It shows Beck getting ready and everyone that helped out, all the way through the service and the honeymoon. I love it, but it reminds me of what I want and can't have, which is for her to be well and feel good again. I hate cancer so much that if it were a living being, I would torture it to death. I guess that it's all in perception, because one way of looking at the album is painful in the way that I want what is there to be here now, but I could look at it a different way, and remember the best times of my life. I need to watch what I say or do right now, because anger is a way of dealing with grief, and I don't want to take it out on someone. Believe me when I say that I have a huge chip on my shoulder, and I'm begging someone I don't love to knock it off. I know that's wrong, so that's why I'm telling you, and I can pray about it and ask God to remove it. I want my life back with my beautiful, sweet, angel of a wife. She's still with me, and I adore her, but watching her this sick all of the time tears at me. I want her to feel good again no matter what it takes. I understand now what people go through when a loved one is fighting cancer or any other disease. I keep asking God what possible good this is doing and how does this glorify him? I'll never understand as long as I'm human. I feel helpless, powerless, and useless, all at the same time. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's Becka that is always on my mind and my heart. I've said it before, if she's okay, then I'm okay, but as long as she's not, then I won't be either. I'm grateful to my family and friends for giving me leeway and knowing that I'm not the biggest jerk in the world. I have people that love me, and I need to remember these times when they carried me as well.
I'm going to get her in to bed then go myself. Good night and God Bless. I know he's up there listening, and he knows that all of us are in pain. I'm waiting for him to make the next move, because I'm out of them. Tomorrow is another day. I'm grateful for this one.
Good night.
