It's Monday night and we are watching a pretty cool show called "Stars Vrs Stripes". Special Forces military trainers are working with stars and they are competing for charity. God Bless our troops who give us the freedom to drink coffee, eat oreos, and write blogs! Today has been a very difficult day. Becka and I were up most of the night. We were sitting in the living room at three oclock in the morning, so I dragged all day, and the worst part was that I was working with some very "high up" people in the company, but they all know that Becka is sick, so they gave me a break. I came home feeling like a zombie, and laid down for almost two hours. I feel much better now. I just hope I can sleep tonight.
Becka has been sleeping a lot the past two days. She's down to one steroid a day now, which scares me but I'm glad because she's feeling better. I helped her in the shower this morning before I left for work. I'm going to work in the morning, but then I'm coming home. She told me that she cried today because I wasn't here. The bond we share is very unique, in my case anyway. I've never been closer to anyone. Ruth and Becka's parents are here with her and they have things under control, but I just feel like I need to be here too. I'm going to work as much as I can this week, then make some decisions when she has her MRI this Thursday. We will know so much more then. I have to go pick up Autumn at her friend's house and I'll be right back.
Okay, just did the "cool Dad" thing. I love being a Dad and a Step Dad. The kids know that they can trust me, and I'll protect them with my life. For so many years, I lived my life for me. It was all about me, how I felt, what I wanted, what I could do for me. I was so selfish and self centered, almost sociopathic at times. Now, my entire life revolves around my family, and how can I better their lives. When I lived for me, I was always empty inside. There was always this hole in me that nothing could fill. Now, I figured out that Love is the only thing that will fill that hole. The most gratifying thing I can do is when I do something for someone else anonymously. It's when only God and I know about it that I'm truly selfless, but my nature wants to put it on a billboard because I want the recognition and the pat on the back. It's at times like that when I need to check my motives as to why I'm doing it in the first place. I was created by God, for God, and everything I do is supposed to be for his Glory. I can't grasp the concept of a perfectly Holy God, but one day I will be able to. I've been mad at God several times this year because I don't understand why some things are happening, but I know that he understands why I've been mad and forgives me. My Father-in-Law said something the other day that really hit home with me. He said that if our salvation was based on 99% of what Christ did and 1% of what I do, then I would never truly know if I was saved. I can have peace of heart knowing that my salvation is entirely based on what Christ did on the cross, so I can forgive myself for the things I have done that I know aren't pleasing to God. If I didn't think that we will all live forever and be together with the Lord, I wouldn't make it through this or anything else.
Becka is ready for bed, so I'm going myself. God Bless and sweet dreams. Praying for another day with my love, and thanking God for this one!
