It's Saturday night and I'm not going to tell anyone that I feel like playing in traffic tonight. I just got Becka out of the shower. We had pizza for supper, and then we watched "The Lorax". It was a good little family movie. What is eating at me is reality and pictures. I'll explain. The reality of what is going on is torturing me constantly now. When I think of the fact that Beck has tumors in her brain and she's not taking any kind of treatment for them, I can hardly function, but I'm doing the best I can. The other things that are hitting me hard tonight are pictures. Becka and her Mom have been going through old pictures all day and they are scrap booking. Beck posted a video on facebook today that she made on our first wedding anniversary. It's a short video of pictures of the two of us from childhood all the way to present day. In essence, it chronicles our lives. I never want her to see me upset, but tonight when it was just me and her, and I watched the video for the first time in years, I broke down. Kind of like I'm doing right now as I write this. I keep telling myself to "man up", but it isn't working. When she saw me upset tonight, she told me she loved me. At that point, I'm glad there weren't any sharp objects close. I've never felt this way, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been trying to hold it in, but there are times when that is impossible. I pray to God to help me through this, and he does. I know he's giving me strength, because left to my own devices, there is no way I could make it through a day. I have to though, for her and the kids. They are all that keep me going sometimes. They look to me for strength, and sometimes I have to "Fake it until I make it". Staying in "today" is so hard when the past is all around me and the future is so uncertain. I adore this wonderful woman who God gave my heart to, and if she looks for me, I'll be right by her side. I don't want to leave for work anymore. Not because she's not in good hands, because she is. Her parents are here and they are Angels, and her sister is coming back tomorrow. I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to miss another second of her life. I want to be right beside of her on this train of life, riding where God takes us, and I trust in his will and plan, but right now, I don't particularly care for his plan. I know that my mind can't grasp his infinite wisdom, and somewhere in this is Glory for him, but I just don't see it right now, and that's okay. The Father knows how I feel, and when I hurt, he hurts. It's no different than when one of our children gets hurt and it tears us up inside until they are okay. Tonight I'm praying that he will pull out this sword that is stuck through the center of me, if only for a while. Becka seems to be okay. She's at peace and is happy most of the time. She's walking better and seems to feel better. I'm grateful for that. It tells me that God does know what he's doing, even if I don't.
I'm going to get her in bed and try to rest myself. Autumn is spending the night away, so it's just Andrew, her, and me. We are having a birthday party for my son Dillon tomorrow. He just turned twenty one. Cake and ice cream, then a nap. That sounds like a plan.
God Bless and good night.
