It's Monday night and I'm lucky to be writing this at all because our internet is extremely slow due to the storms. The wind is blowing so hard! I thought that my neighbors had bought a porch umbrella just like mine. Turns out it was mine. I'm not complaining. I'm praying for those who live along the coast. I can't imagine what they are going through. I talked to my Sister in Christ Laurie today who told me that she was driving through a ghost town because there was no power. God please be with everyone there.
I haven't been home long. I just started a load of clothes and fixed me a cup of coffee. Becka would always say, "I smell coffee", and I would have already fixed her a cup. She loved coffee so much, she drank it out of a soup bowl. I still have them in the cabinet. I was going to get rid of them, but I changed my mind. There are several things I'm keeping. At first, it really hurt to look at some of Beck's things, and I gave a lot of it away to Autumn, Beck's Sisters, and her other sister Gina. Now it's okay because God has made it okay. I wear her robe. It's big and fluffy and warm, and it still smells like the sugar scrub she used in the shower. I'm never washing it. I also have many personal items which are put away, but I still get them out for some reason and torture myself. She loved Elvis, and I have a very nice collection of CD's. I'm wearing her gold cross. I gave her other gold necklaces to my son Dillon and Autumn. I have a serious set of women's watches, and when I look at them, they remind me of certain things Beck and I did because I can see her putting them on. I gave most of her clothes to Goodwill because that's what she wanted, but I have a couple of her favorite outfits. Don't worry, I won't wear them out anywhere.
Today was a difficult day for some reason. I thought about her all day and couldn't do my job very well, so I took off about two O'clock. I came home and picked up Autumn and we ran a couple of places, then I took her to the Mall and she got her ear pierced, again. She is so brave. She holds two of my fingers on my right hand every time. Her entire ear was red! I know it hurt, but she sat right there! She really is a chip off the old block. Beck had a very high threshold of pain. There were times when she was hurting but didn't want the kids to know, so she grinned and bared it. I was so in awe of her, and now that she's not here, I hurt in places I didn't know existed. I was climbing a ladder today and it hit me, so I had to just climb back down. I pray my boss has patience with me. He has given me so much latitude. I don't think it's a problem, but I'm going to try and do my best. My heart feels like it's going to explode sometimes and it devastates me. The only time I feel normal is when I'm with the kids. Autumn is her mother incarnate. She's smart, funny, intuitive, compassionate, and sarcastic when she wants to be. I see so much of Beck in her.
I know that the more days I put together, the easier this will be. This is something I pray no one ever goes through, but many do and everyone handles it a little differently. I pray and call people. I'm glad that no one is tired of hearing me cry. The people who knew Beck and Me personally understand the love we had for each other, and they don't judge. I'm grateful for everyone reading this. God Bless you all!
Until tomorrow, Sweet Dreams and God Bless! I'm going to spend some time with the kids.
