I was fine all day until I got home. It hit me that it's only three of us now. I walked outside and lost it. I stayed out here for a long time, until Andrew came out and asked me what was for supper, and told me he needed some paint. I've always considered myself a stand up guy. No one has backed me down since middle school where my Father made me fight my bully. It changed my life, and I never got picked on again, but now I'm so full of fear. I know that fear is a primary emotion like love, and all bad feelings come from fear, like jealousy and rage, but this is different. I have no clue what God has planned for me, although I know there is a plan. I look at the pictures the kids and I took today and yesterday, and it burns my chest and makes me angry that Beck isn't in them, and she never will be again. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be at Autumn's wedding and Andrew's graduation. I feel guilty for grieving sometimes because I know how much she meant to them, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I talk about her all of the time. I brought up some family memories in the car and had them both laughing. We all have a long way to go, but I want the pain to go away now, and it's not going to. We have to walk through it to the other side. I think that God will have to carry me. The kids are much stronger than I am. We prepared them well for this, as well as can be done, but nothing can make up for or prepare anyone to lose their mother. Even the dogs have just about grieved themselves bald. Our little Corgy "Angel" is twelve years old, and when Beck and I didn't come home from the hospital, she chewed all of the hair off her back. She sleeps with Andrew every night She's better now since I got home, but she still misses Beck, and our miniature Dobie "Gabe" doesn't know if he's coming or going. I wish I had taken them all to the funeral home to see her. That way they wouldn't sit by the door waiting. Gabe used to lay his head on Beck's lap every night like he was protecting her. He knew she was sick, so he offered his love and it made a difference. Our dogs really are wonderful for that. They are my furry kids! My boy "Nate" has his head on me right now. God knew what he was doing when he made dogs!
Beck's parents made it to Florida. Thanks for all of the prayers so much! I miss all of the people that were here, but Andrew is glad to get his room back! He put his new swords up yesterday. I helped him put the sword rack together. Life has to go back to normal somehow. I'm not sure yet how that's going to happen, but God knows and that's enough for me. He's brought me this far. Might as well see it through to the end.
My eyes are crossed, so sweet dreams and God Bless. Tomorrow is a new day. I miss you Baby if you are reading this. I miss you so much it literally hurts everywhere.
I was behind the camera....
