Saturday night and I'm sitting in the Fairfield by Marriott in Asheville NC. Andrew is on the bed behind me and Autumn is downstairs drinking coffee and doing her homework. We had a blast today. We took off early this morning and went to Walmart first. Autumn bought a very nice digital camera last night with her birthday money, and it didn't work out of the box. She charged the battery all night and tried it this morning, only to find that the screen wasn't working. She was rather upset. I assured her that we would make it right, so we went to Walmart, and our friend Kristi was working by herself in Customer Service. It's no coincidence that she was there. God knows what he's doing. She called electronics and got a new camera, then she took the old battery and put it in the new camera to check it. It worked great, so she let us keep the battery and stuck the new one in the other camera. We took off and picked up our rental car. It's a Ford escape and it's nice! I was afraid to drive out van all the way down here. We are going to have to trade for something more reliable soon. Our van has been a trooper! I'm thinking about keeping it for sentimental reasons. The first time I ever met Beck, she was driving it. She jumped out of the driver's seat and ran to me. I remember her holding me for the longest time. The van is part of us, so I think I will fix it up and use it to work and haul stuff.
We got to Asheville in record time after stopping twice. We ate at McDonalds and we stopped by a store for a snack. The kids and I had a fantastic time today. Autumn took over a hundred pictures. Biltmore is an amazing place because of it's beauty and history. By the time we had toured the house and gardens, we were exhausted. I had planned on taking the kids to eat tonight at a nice restaurant, but they both wanted to come back to the room and eat pizza. Tomorrow, we are going downstairs to eat breakfast, then we are going to drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway. The mountains of North Carolina are fantastic. Then we are going back home because I start back work full time Monday. I'm looking forward to it, but I have so many candles in the fire, and my mind isn't hitting on all cylinders. I just trust in God to lead me every day to do what he wants me to. Today was emotional for me. The last time I was at Biltmore was with Beck and the kids. I have pictures on my facebook from two years ago. We had such a good time then. I talked about Beck to the kids today several times, and I asked them both if it bothered them. They said no. I know they miss their mother, but teenagers handle things differently. I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve these day. I miss Beck every second, no matter what I am doing.
I'm walking through this and praying that God will make me whole again, but the fact is that I'm broken. We all are, but we are walking together to get to the other side. The kids give me strength, and I give them my heart. They are the closest thing to Beck on Earth. I don't know what the future holds and it's frightening, but they saw that I loved their mother, and the way I loved her, and they saw her love me. I know that it rubbed off, and they love me for it. I will always be a part of their lives, and them of mine. I'm giving everything to God, and praying that his will be done, because it's only if I know that's the case, I will be able to accept whatever happens. I have to live life one day at a time. My years with Becka gave me wisdom and the ability to love others, and they also gave me forgiveness. Whatever God decides to do with me now, I will use what Beck left me in my heart to try and do God's will. He has a life for me. I'm not sure what it is yet, but time will tell.
I'm so exhausted that I'm sitting here nodding off. I'm going to lay down for the night so that we can get up early. God Bless and sweet dreams. Please pray for God's will to be done in my life. HIS will, not mine.
