Day 323

It's Tuesday night and I just got home from my Mother and Step dad's house. It is his birthday and we went to the party. We believe in celebrating birthdays around here! Steve, my Step Dad, is by far the greatest thing that ever happened to my Mother. My Mom is an Angel. Her heart is bigger than her entire body, but for years she was married to my Father, and all I can say is that he was very sick. My Mother had been divorced for many years and had been alone all that time. She had men pursue her, but she wasn't interested in any of them. She and Steve were friends back in high school. They hadn't talked in years, until Steve's wife died, then he joined "Classmates.com". That's when he and my mother hooked up again, and the rest is history. They have a marriage like Becka and I had. He takes such good care of her and treats her like a queen. He truly is a gift from God! 

I worked all day, and it was okay. I saw a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a while, again. Every day I am going to another store, and they all want to know how I am. I have been sharing the miracle of the night Becka left us and went home. I had a bunch of women crying today at one of my stores. They all read this, so they know the story already, but hearing it first hand was much more powerful. I got a lot of hugs today. Eventually, things will settle down and go back to normal, whatever that is. I have no idea what normal will be. I just need to sit back and let God handle things. 

Tonight, on the way to the party at my Mother's, it hit me hard and I had to let go. Autumn was sitting in the passenger's seat where Beck always sat. I would reach over and hold her hand, no matter where we were going. My family loved Becka. They knew she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and she was beloved. I think they are all still in shock. I know I am. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds. On one hand, I cling to the life Beck and I had. I don't want to let it go, and I don't have to right now. On the other hand, there is a life waiting for me out there. It's going to take some time, and some pain, and some healing, but I'll get there. Right now it feels like being in a prison of emotion. I miss her so very much. I know she would want me to be happy, and I did have some great moments today.  It will get different, then it will get better.God is helping me with that through all of you. I actually got only one coffee cup down this morning. It's progress! This weekend I'm going to completely rearrange my living room. I can't walk in the house without seeing her sitting there. The change will do me good. I work tomorrow and Thursday, but I'm off Friday. I can work on the house all weekend. The kids will be at their Dad's. I'm dropping them off after Andrew's Eye Doctor appointment. 

I'm so tired I can't stay awake. I guess everything is catching up to me. I'm waiting on a friend to call, then I have a few other calls to make. This blog is fixing to end. My journey with Becka is over almost. It will never be completely over because she left too much of herself with me. I'll keep writing until I can get through a whole day without breaking down and hitting my knees in pain. Then I think I can let go of this life. Until then, the journey continues. Below is a blog that Becka did on her Myspace before we got married. She always let me know how she felt about me. Hey Baby, I feel the same way!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless

From Becka's blog on Myspace (Feb 24, 2008) :Being in love...

Current mood:blissful

What is being in love about? Is it about caring or getting cared ? Is it about loving or being loved ? Putting the other person's happiness before your own or being happy together. I'm in love with the most incredible man...Randy. But yet if someone asks me now to define love I don't think I can. Yes, I can give 

this philosophical and the typical answer that love is something that can only be felt and cannot be defined. You know...what I feel for Randy goes far beyond that...all I can do is tell you what I know in my heart.

People sometimes worry that they are losing the love that brought them together, but love changes tone and color all the time. People make a mistake in thinking of love as a constant, unchanging emotion. What may feel like loss of love may be its ripening. Being in love can transform into a deeper, steadier desire to be together and share a life.

Some people think that being in love is an illusion and that it only leads to catastrophe because you can't make a good decision from that place. But I think that being in love is one of the great joys of life. It brings people together and gives them the kick they need to get over obstacles in their developing relationship. Yes, you can make bad decisions because of love's blindness, but you can also make good ones. We all need an extra jolt of passion to get over our inhibitions and move a step further into what life has to offer.

Being in love is an altered state. Suddenly your life is focused on another person and you can't bear being separated from him or her. You are in a bubble of fantasy, feeling overcome and giddy...it's accepting someone completely into your heart...the one you can't get out of your mind, it's a feeling....yes, it's a feeling no one would understand but you and that special someone.

In a few months I will walk down the aisle and become Mrs. Patton...there is nothing in this life that compares to that feeling. So you ask me if I'm "in love" you know what...you bet ya! I have no doubts...God has blessed me with that love! I love you Randy...now and always.