Day 316

Tuesday night and it's been a difficult day. I'm listening to the debate and sitting on the back porch. I went back to work today because we had a meeting, but I'm taking the rest of the week off. I'm late writing this because my internet was down for a bit. It was very good to see my friends and coworkers today, but all day I had to hold everything in as best I could. I try to act like everything is okay in front of the kids. I don't want to put added pressure on them, but the fact is my heart is empty and I have a long way to go. I still can't believe she's gone. I guess I haven't completely accepted it. I know it hasn't been very long, and time will heal, but it seems only yesterday that we were going to beat this cancer. It hasn't even been a year since she was diagnosed. I walk through the house, stand in the kitchen, sit on the bed, and wonder why sometimes. I know there is no "why". It's just my mind messing with me, but it all seems like a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up to find her laying there beside of me again. To say that I miss her doesn't come close. I still feel her next to me at times. I look at pictures and her eyes follow me. I'm sorry but I'm not ready to let her go, even though I have no choice. 

It's become very apparent to me that I need to watch what I say or do. Everything has consequences, and I'm emotional all of the time. I know that Beck is in paradise and I will see her again. I guess I just had other plans for us. My life has been turned upside down and I don't have a clue which way to go. A good friend told me when I don't know what to do, then do nothing. Just do what is right in front of me and give it to God. Another said, "If you are going down the streets of life and come to a fork, take it. If it's the right way to go, I'll learn from it. If it's the wrong way to go, I'll learn from it." Who knows. I probably don't even make sense tonight. I've cried myself in to a headache, but tylenol is working. I start counseling at Hospice Monday. I think it will help me to deal with my feelings. I just miss her so much. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm not the first to lose a loved one. I guess people handle it different ways. I let it all out when I'm alone. I talk to her still, and I ask God to carry me through the day. All of my strength comes from him and my friends and family, and I thank God that I'm not alone in this, because many people have to deal with this by themselves. I know from experience that service work always has helped me, so I'm going to the Hospice home and see if I can visit people who don't normally get visits, or volunteer at the Cancer Center. When I first got sober, I went around with a group to local treatment centers to give hope and strength to people who were trying to stop drinking. I need to do that now so that I can get out of my head, but I also know that I have a long way to go in my grief. I just need to get through the day and on to the next one. Beck is gone for now, and eventually I'll have to accept the fact that she's never coming back. I'm glad that I don't have to do it all today. My heart can't take it. 

I had fun tonight with the kids though. I took them all to the mall and let Autumn pick out her birthday presents. I wasn't about to go shopping for a teenage girl so she would be disappointed. I let her pick out some shoes, pants, shirts, and other stuff. She's happy with it, plus I bought her a new phone. Tomorrow I'm taking everyone out to dinner for her birthday right after I take her to get her driving permit. Wish me luck, because I know she will want to drive from there. She's a very good driver, so I'll only take one Zantac! I'm looking very forward to this weekend. The kids and I are going out of town together. We are going to have fun! In the mean time, I'm going to rest for the next couple of days. Today was the first without steroids, so I should start feeling better. My voice still sounds like I've been chewing glass, but I don't need to talk anymore.

As I go back and read my first blog, I remember the feelings I had then, and compare them to now. We really did think we were going to beat it. She put up the fight of the century, and I'll never let anyone forget it. Becka will be remembered forever, of that I'm sure. If I had to do it all over again, there is no doubt that I would. She was worth all of it to me and a thousand times more. She still has my heart. I guess that's why my chest is so hollow all of the time now. God will heal me in time. He still has plans for me. I just need to seek him and find out what they are. 

Going to bed. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.