I'm not taking anymore steroids no matter what. They have blown me up to three times my size and I hate it. I've never looked this heavy. I start taking care of that tomorrow. I'm drinking nothing but water, I'm eating healthy, and working out every day on the treadmill and taekwondo. The weight will fall off, I know this from experience. Most of it is from the medicine, so it will go quickly. I'm not vane, I just want to feel better, and I do when I weigh 175 rather than the 206 I weigh. That brings me to the things I learned about myself while here.
Number one, I'm not in good physical shape. I haven't been taking care of myself, but that all ends tomorrow.
Number two, I can be completely happy and serene again. All I have to do is reach out to God and let him direct my day and my thoughts. He kept me busy, and it was just what I needed.
And number three, I'll never do this again. This trip had a purpose, and that purpose is fulfilled. I miss Becka every second of every day, and she was here with me in my heart. Her love surrounded me and I could hear her voice at certain times. She was my soul mate, my angel. The only woman I've ever truly loved, and that's not because I haven't been in relationships with wonderful women. It was because I didn't know how to love until God taught me through Becka. I hear the word "Love" thrown around and I remember when I used to use it to get what I wanted. I'm so ashamed of the way I acted in the past, especially when it came to the opposite sex. I never treated women as equals, hardly ever looked them in the eyes. All I cared about was myself, but then God put me with Becka, I cared more deeply for her than I ever have anyone in my life. Our souls seemed to intertwine, and when she got sick, it seemed I loved her more every day. She regressed in front of my eyes. The deep, intimate, physical relationship we had started to go away, and became something else entirely. I became her caretaker and her friend, but at the same time, when I kissed her and looked in to her eyes at night, I was still her husband. I was still the man who said "Yes", and she was still the woman that chose me. We locked our souls around each other, and when she left me, I was hollow and incomplete. I had neither the wife who couldn't walk by me without reaching for my hand, nor the scared angel who would search desperately in to my eyes for answers that I couldn't give her, but even though I couldn't fix her, she was okay with the fact that I was there, right in front of her, and I wasn't going anywhere. I know where Becka is, and who she is with. I watched him come and take her away. I will mourn her loss for the rest of my life in some way or another, but as I spent this weekend watching families and lovers, I realize that one thing she said to me before she died will come true some day if God wants it to. She told me she wanted me to carry on and remarry some day. I assured her at the time that it was never going to happen, and there was only one of her. Becka was much smarter than I am. She could see the future and remember the past. She knew that one day the love that God gave me through her would have to be shared. If I keep it to myself, it's no earthly good. But for now, I have some "Randy" rebuilding to do. I need to find out who I am, and what I can bring to the table. I have people to help that helped me, kids to take care of, dogs to feed, and a job to do. I still have a life, a wonderful beautiful life, and this weekend reminded me of that. God really is remarkable to me when I reach out and say, "Please help me". Becka still has my heart, and I don't know how I will feel in the future, but I'm not going to worry about it. Life is one day at a time, controlled by God, not me. If there is love out there for me again, it's up to him, because I'm not looking for it. I didn't look for Becka. God did that, and I trust his judgement. I still have the "year" plan in place. I think it's a good idea, but again, that's up to him.
I need to go straight to sleep now. I'm flying out in the morning and I have to get up early to make the plane. God Bless each and every one of you. I love you guys and gals, and I appreciate all of the support about this trip. It has changed me, just as Becka did, in a good way. God is protecting me right now. I met some people at the game, and there is a HUGE party going on downstairs. This entire town is a party tonight since the Skins won, and though the idea is very inviting to go downstairs, I'm staying right where I am, in this huge bed! When I get back, I'm buying some new mattresses, no doubt!
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
