It's Wednesday night and I just got home from work. I'm happy to report that Becka has felt great all day, with the exception of some heartburn! She and Debbie went to Walmart to plan supper for the rest of the week. Autumn stayed home from school again today. She's got a bad cold or the makings of a sinus infection. The kid doesn't stay home unless she's sick. We are keeping her away from Becka. I taped off the upstairs with yellow CAUTION tape and called in the haz mat team. I'm going to cut a slot in her door to feed her through, like they do prisoners in solitary confinement. Just kidding but we have to be careful about anyone who is sick right now. Becka's immune system is weakened by the Chemotherapy, but the drugs they gave her yesterday have seemed to make her feel "not too bad".
Everyone I see or talk to during the day asks about Becka, so I stop for a minute to tell them how she is doing. I'll never get tired of that, and I love days when I can say, "She's doing pretty good", like today. Life is truly "One Day At A Time" for us. I know that is how I'm always supposed to live, but it takes on a new meaning now. I treasure every day that we are together. I never want to get complacent in my marriage and take it for granted. I've been guilty of that in the past. I kind of put everything on cruise control instead of taking the bull by the horns and MAKING the day good. Those days are gone I can assure you. I want to spend every day of my life enriching hers in some way. There is no greater sound in the world today than the sound of her laughter. I pray that I never go completely deaf so that I will always be able to hear her voice, even if she is mad at me.
Going to take a break for a bit. I might even take a nap! God Bless and I'll write some more in a while.
Okay, I just got back from work. I had to go back out and fix some outside lights that didn't come on. Nothing worse than a dark parking lot. I need some type of stress relief. I snapped at Becka before I left. We had our first argument since she got sick. It lasted all of five minutes, but it proved that we are still human. Trust me, she may be sick, but she can still let me know when I'm wrong, and I was. She accepted my apology and it's all good. We have both been stressed out big time. I forgot to pay our water bill and the water company came and turned our water off today. I called and payed it over the phone, and they came out and turned it back on, but it tells me that I need to concentrate and get organized. It just seems like I live in a bubble sometimes and I'm trying to think about too much. I can remember a time when I would medicate my mind when it was going too strong, but today that's not even an option. I'm grateful for my life, the good and the bad, the light and the dark.
I opened up and let Becka in on a secret that I've been keeping to myself. Ever since she got sick, I've been mad at God. Don't get me wrong, I pray every day, and I'm grateful for what he has done in my life, but as far as Becka is concerned, I've been mad from the start because it has never made sense to me. I need to try and remember two things. First, God didn't give her cancer, and Second, this doesn't have to make sense to me and it might never, but I do need to accept it. I also need to feed my soul more with his word and with other Christians. My ego tells me I can handle this, but I know from experience that I can't handle anything without him. We haven't been to church in a while because she has been so sick, but I do need to start going to a prayer group at the very least, and be honest about my feelings. Prayer is a wonderful starting point, but I'm still praying by myself, and my mind doesn't do well alone. I need the fellowship of other Christians so that God can work and speak to me through them. He gives me this knowledge, so all will be well. It's okay if I got mad at God. He's big enough to handle it. I'm just glad he's not mad at me.
I'm going to bed early so I can start early. God Bless all of you and thanks so much! Please continue to pray for God to heal my gorgeous wife. She's the most precious creature in the world.
Peace!
