It's Thursday night and things have changed. Life always does. Becka has had a good day. Andrew and I just got back from Taekwondo. I cooked a roast in the crock pot today and we had dinner together and she ate. I made sure to put lots of baby carrots in it because she loves them. She enjoyed it and so did the kids. Everything was fine, until we got home. I bought her an ITunes card today so that she can put some more music on her IPOD. At first she told me she couldn't get the card to work and the code was invalid, so I tried to take it back to the store, but they said to go to the Apple web site. I'm so glad I always save receipts. I brought it back home after class and decided to try and enter the code, and it worked. That's when she told me that her vision had become blurry on her left side again, just like it did right before they diagnosed her cancer. I know that she's tired, but at first I didn't realize how upset she was until I saw her crying. I embraced her and told her it would be okay, that the medicine will work and God will heal her. She's terrified. I try to put myself in her shoes and I can't get all the way there, but the love we share helps me to understand some of how she feels.
I'm terrified too. If the cancer wasn't in her brain I wouldn't think much of it, but it is, so anything dealing with her vision, and the fact that she's had seizures, scares me to my soul. Sometimes I think that this can't really be happening, but it is and we have to deal with it. For the first time in my life, I can't run. There is no "out" for us. There is only one course and we have to trust in God, which is very very hard sometimes. I know that he can heal her, and I know that he will heal her, but what I don't know are his plans. This is a paralyzing fear and I'm shaking all over right now. I put her to bed because she's worn out, and I came outside because I didn't want her to see me this way. I only want to be strong because she is the one going through this and she needs me to be strong, but the part of me that has never been strong is my faith, until now. I'm sitting here typing with a left middle finger that I smashed between a meat grinder I was working on today and a pipe wrench that apparently slips sometimes. It filled my fingernail up with blood, so I heated up a paperclip and burned a hole in the nail to relieve the pressure. I will lose the nail, I've done it before. The point is that I can deal with any kind of physical pain. I've always had a high tolerance for broken bones and asphalt burns, but emotional pain cripples me. I have no choice but to rely on a God that has saved me countless times. I know this for a fact. I'm not alive by chance, and NO ONE is that lucky. I just wish I could wave a wand and she would be healed, but I'm so powerless, and there is where the fear lives. There is nothing I can do but stand with her and hope that God hears us when we beg him for mercy. One day all will be revealed. Anyone who has dealt with this understands how this feels. It's like walking around in a bubble, and the world as we knew it isn't real anymore. We still have good times and good moments, but they are always overshadowed by cancer. Tuesday, March 13, 2012, will be life changing I hope. That is when they are going to scan her and tell us what is happening inside. Until then, life is somewhat on hold. I appreciate all that everyone has done, and I know that you are hurting as well because you love her too. I just feel like we are all alone in this, and I know that it's just my mind playing with me, but when the smoke clears, and everyone has gone to bed, and I'm laying behind her in the dark listening to her breath, touching her shoulder, that is when I'm all jumbled up inside. That is when I'm truly terrified. I need her to be laying there every night for the rest of my life. I need her to bury me, and if God will let me, I'll gladly take her place in this. Please God make her well.
I'm going to watch a little TV then go to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you. I know you are in this with us, skin in the game, and I'm grateful. I'm just a wreck tonight. Tomorrow is another day.
