It's Sunday evening and things are good. Becka's favorite show just came on and she didn't make it. I'm looking through the back door right now and she's asleep on the couch. Today has been a good day though. She got a little stir crazy, so she and Ruth took Andrew for a haircut and ran to Walmart. It's a good day when she gets out of the house without going to the doctor. She has another day of reprieve before Chemo on Tuesday. Eight hours of it, but we are grateful for it, (sometimes). Becka hardly ever asks "Why Me", but I can see how people get depressed and don't opt for treatment. She has an amazing will to live for a very long time, so she is sticking with it no matter what.
When I look back at my life by decades, it amazes me how things have changed. My first ten years were up and down. I never had a normal childhood. I had a bipolar life during that time. Things were never normal. They were either very good or very bad. I developed some severe resentments during those years. The next ten were the most fun. I experienced puberty and drugs about the same time. I didn't have a care in the world during those years. From Twenty to Thirty were the destructive years. I tried my best to kill myself and it was only through the grace of God that I didn't. He had a plan obviously because there is no earthly reason I should have survived. From Thirty to Forty were the rebuilding years. I learned who I wanted to be, I got saved, and I experienced the emotions that I had been suppressing for a very long time. It was during those years that I grew mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Christ became real to me, and I learned that the world didn't revolve around me. And now I'm forty four, and I finally know my purpose in life. When Becka and I married, I had visions of what our marriage would be like. I had places I wanted us to go and things I wanted to experience with her. All of that has been put off for now. We will still get there, but for now, the only thing that matters is for her to get well and feel good again. Everything that I have been through up until now has prepared me for this moment in time, and time is all that I want or need. My dog is sitting beside of me as he always is, and I remember pets that I've had in the past, and people who have come and gone, places I've been and things I've seen. It all comes rushing back sometimes and I can't believe forty four years have gone by. Only yesterday I was graduating from High School or going to my first dance. Today I'm a father and a husband, trying to do the best I can one day at a time. Today is all there is. The two days I can't do anything about are yesterday and tomorrow, so I'm trying my best to stay in today. I have many regrets, and I've hurt countless people, and at the time I had no remorse. Today I do and I wish I could take it all back, but all I can do is be the best man I can right now.
Becka and the kids are everything to me. The other lives I've lived were either forced upon me, or were of my own making, but I never wanted any of them, and that's why they didn't last. I want this life, so much I can taste it and feel it in my soul. I want to walk the rest of the time I have on the earth beside of Beck, and I'm going to fight with everything I have to keep it forever.
God is good! She's feeling better! Your prayers are working. Please keep them coming!
God Bless and same time tomorrow, if we are still here.
