Wednesday night and it's beautiful outside. I'm sitting on my back porch in shorts and a tee shirt. Man I love Spring, and I'm so glad for Becka because it's easier for her to go outside when it's seventy degrees. I really do love living in North Carolina. We have the best of both worlds. Our climate is always mild, yet we get snow usually in the winter. We have the mountains to the west and the beaches to the east, both within driving distance with kids. That is measured by how many times they will ask, "Are we there yet"? North Carolina is also a beautiful State. We are blessed, that much is certain.
Becka has had a good day. She was hot to the touch all night to the point where I turned on the air-conditioner. She was sweating out the bags of chemo they pumped in to her yesterday. So far she has had no side effects, except exhaustion. She went to bed about seven tonight. I'm going to wake her up in a little while so we can watch her favorite show, "Face Off". Tonight is the season finale'. I know I've said that the past two weeks, but it really is tonight. I'm burned out. My right elbow hurts so bad now that I can't pick up my cell phone without grimacing, and my little toe on my right foot is injured as well. I'm calling tomorrow for a doctor's appointment. I've already been to the doctor about my elbow and he put me on steroids, but they did nothing. It's probably a bad sprain, and I'll have to not use it at all for a while, but I'm going to go to my Orthopedic doctor and see if he will shoot it full of cortisone. I think exhaustion is playing a part as well. I don't sleep anymore. I probably slept a total of four hours last night, and three the night before. It's starting to catch up to me. I feel like eventually my mind will shut down for about twelve hours. I just hope I'm not standing on top of a ladder or building, or going down the road when it does. I truly believe that after Becka has her scans, I'll be able to sleep again. I just can't get it out of my mind. I've never wanted anything in my life more than I want her tumors to be shrinking or gone. Remission is the only option. It doesn't matter what I'm doing during the day, I'm always thinking about her and wondering how she is feeling. It's like a storm we can't drive out of, but the clouds ARE going to part and the sun will shine again. It's funny, I haven't thought even once seriously about medicating my feelings. I've had fleeting thoughts, but they went away immediately. She needs me to be the best I can be, and that is all that matters, so I'm going to have to feel what I feel for now. I wish I could get outside of myself for a short time, but everywhere I go, there I am. In my forty four years of life, I've never been needed so much by so many people. They are depending on me, and I am going to carry my family past all of this. There will be a day when we don't think about cancer at all, and that will be a great day.
I'm going to wake her in a bit. She usually doesn't get sick until about three days after chemo, so we are going to prepare and medicate aggressively. Come Friday, we will know what we are up against. Until then, I'm eternally grateful that she feels good and is eating! Ruth cooked pork chops and Augratin potatoes tonight for supper and Becka ate well. Thank you Lord, really.
Good night and God Bless. Same time tomorrow, Good Lord Willing!
