Day 289

It's Wednesday night and I'm enjoying this weather on the back porch. The sky is beautiful and the temperature is about sixty. It's been a good day. I woke up about three O'clock in the morning and knew immediately that I wasn't going back to sleep, so I stayed up and watched the "Hallmark" channel. I watched "Cheers" and "Frazier", two shows that I used to watch all of the time. The steroids I'm taking are intense. I have one more day at sixty milligrams, then I go to forty for three days, then twenty for three days, then I'm off. They have made me feel so much better. I'm usually pretty active. I take taekwondo at least four nights a week, but for the last month or so I've been sitting on the "depressed" couch eating crunchy cheetos, and it has taken a toll on me. This morning, I woke Andrew up and he was sick with a headache. I can tell when he's sick and I knew immediately that he didn't feel good, so I sent him back to bed. Beck woke up shortly after and I got her up and to the bathroom, then walked her to the living room and her chair. She can't walk or get up by herself anymore. Her left hand isn't working properly and has no strength. I have to grab hold of her and walk with her every step. That's why I'm glad her Dad is here. He's very strong and can walk her just fine. I made her some breakfast. She wanted Ravioli. Then I hung out for a bit. She went to lay back down and I did some things around the house. Finally around eleven she got back up and I got her to the bathroom and her chair again. She felt good and told me she was okay there for a while, so I went for a run/walk down the street and around the neighborhood. I worked up a good sweat and got in a pretty good workout. I went through one of my taekwondo forms a couple of times and did some stretches, some situps, and some pushups. It felt great! I'm back in the swing of things. I'm on a mission to lose thirty pounds. It will be easy if I eat like I did today, work out for at least thirty minutes a day, and drink water instead of soda. I weigh 205 right now, and I know from experience that I feel my best at 175. 

When I got back to the house, I got ready and went to work for a while. Beck and her Mom were working on photo albums. Beck's Mom has put our pictures in albums for us and they are fantastic! These albums will be passed down to generations, and she and Beck have had a great time doing them. It's good to keep Beck's mind occupied on positive things. I am going to ask her Dad to have a bible study tomorrow. It always seems like we don't have time, but we need to make time for it and drop something else. It was good to get back to work today and see some of my friends. They all asked how she is doing, and how I am doing. I can tell when someone really cares, and I have to realize that some of the smartest people day the dumbest things because no one really knows what to say. I can see it in their eyes, and I know they want to pull their words out of the air, so I always say that it's okay. I'm grateful to those who want to know how things are going. They are hurting for us too.

Beck's Mom made supper tonight and I took Autumn and Dillon to Walmart to pick up one of Andrew's birthday presents. They are having a sale on Barbie stuff. (That's for if Andrew is reading this). Just kidding buddy. I can't say what we got, but he will like it. I'll fill you in on Saturday after the party. Beck and my anniversary is the Twenty third of this month. I'm afraid of taking her out of the house while she's having seizures, so I'm going to have to do something special here. I have a DVD of our wedding video. I would really like to watch it with her, but I'm afraid of what it might do to me and I don't want to upset her. We will see. When I think back to that day, it seems like a dream. I remember everything about it. I got dressed at the church because I didn't want my Tux to get dirty. I didn't see her until she came down the aisle, and I remember distinctly how my heart felt. I was so much in love, and I have loved her more every day. This short time we have spent together has changed me as a man, and made me in to one. Becka made me in to a man capable of loving, and of being loved. I never dreamed it would come to this, but it wouldn't have mattered. Every day with her has been a gift to me that money could never buy. She is such an individual, so unique in every way. I could pick her out of a million women in a split second just by looking in to her eyes. I can't explain to you in words how it feels to watch someone you love so much go away from you, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's a feeling of helplessness and complete powerlessness. I'm an alpha male. I've always been strong willed to a fault, but I'm putty in her hands. That's how much power she has over me. I'm so scared, all of the time. I just pray that God stays with me, because there is no way I'll make it if he doesn't. I'm not asking why anymore. I'm just doing the best I can to make him proud, and make her as happy as possible. It's all I can do.

Okay now I'm shaking. I don't know if the temperature dropped in the air, or in my heart. A little bit of both I think. I'm going to get her situated and lay down for the night. Thanks for letting me write this, and thanks for reading it. I love you guys.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.