Day 280

Monday night and another day in the books. This one has been rough, because of what is transpiring. First let me say, I love being with Beck all day, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to do so. I called my boss today to check in, and he said all was quiet in my stores and they are taking care of everything. I had planned to work some if I could get someone to sit with Beck, but that's not going to be a possibility. Her condition dictates that I should be here from now on, even if I have to sell some stuff. She has worsened the past two days. Beck can barely walk and can't walk at all without help. Her head hurts her all of the time now and she's very disoriented, but that's not what's bothering me the most. Her feet and legs haven't gone down from taking the fluid pills. Her legs and calves have changed color and are splotchy, and the skin on her calves is flaking, even though I put very good lotion on them every day. I talked to her Doctor's nurse today, and this is normal for what she is going through. That's all I can say right now about that. We woke up early this morning, and I fixed her something to eat and gave her a shower, then she went right back to bed. I woke Andrew up and he was sick. I think he might have what I have because it's in his head and nose. I sent him back to bed, then waited up and woke Autumn. I fixed her lunch and got her off to school, then I took a shower and got ready for my Doctor appointment. Fern showed up at Nine, and I took off. Beck was still in bed when I left, and was still in bed when I returned. She didn't know that I had left. I wasn't gone but about forty five minutes. 

Fern left and I ran to McDonald's and got Beck, Andrew, and me some breakfast. We ate, then she went straight back to bed and slept for a long time. I laid back down with her for a while, then started supper in the crock pot. To make a long story short, she has slept all day and she slept most of yesterday as well. I spoke to the doctor, and increased her pain medicines. She's hurting more and more and is only comfortable in bed. She got up to eat this afternoon and this evening, but that's about all she can take. She also has sleep apnea. Her breathing is labored when she is awake, and she stops breathing in her sleep, then takes a huge gasp. For some reason, the dogs won't leave her alone. They get under her feet, and every time she lays down on the bed, our miniature Doberman, (Gabe), lays down with her, right beside of her until I get in bed, then Nate, (our Boston Terrier), lays between us and against her. Gabe has always adored Beck, but I think he senses that she's not feeling good. It's like he's protecting her. 

Beck is completely dependent on me for everything now. That is why I can't leave the house for very long, no matter who is here. I want her to know that when she looks for me, I'll be right by her side. It's where I belong. I can't explain how I feel tonight in words. Everything seems surreal. I look around and it's like I'm in a dream, but I know that I'm not. I've been praying a lot today and this evening, and I know that people are praying for us, so I think that God is making things okay. It's hard to describe, but for the past few weeks, I was one word away from crying all of the time, and tonight I'm not. My protective instincts have kicked in, and I can't seem to take my eyes off of her. Right now, at this very moment, all I want is for her to not be in pain. Tonight when I tucked her in and kissed her, she took my hand and kissed me back and we prayed. She told me she loved me twice before I left the bedroom and turned off the light. As long as she knows who I am, and knows that I'm here for her, I'll be fine. Her pain meds kicked in and I had heated the bed up before she got in. I put a soft, cotton shirt on her so that she is comfortable, and she was very content when I pulled the covers up to her neck. Tonight, that is all that matters. She's okay, she's safe, and God is with us. I feel his presence. Some of you might scoff at that, but he is more real to me right now than anything else in this world. Why wouldn't he be here? We invited him in our house and prayed for his mercy, and he is giving it. 

Nate just jumped up on the table and let me know he loves me too. I've only found unconditional love in two places, from God, and from a dog. It's no coincidence that if you spell one backwards, you get the other. He is just part of our little family that God made, and we need to remember that we are the only ones who can tear it apart. I've had some deep talks with the kids yesterday and today. We are all on the same page, and they know that I'm here for them no matter what. I told them that whatever they needed I would get, and however they felt wasn't wrong. I know that Autumn is hurting. She and Beck used to jump in the car and go shopping or other places together, and that hasn't happened in a long time now. We are all losing, and in the end, Becka is the one who will be just fine.

I'm going to check on her. It's going to be a long night. I love you guys and gals, I really do. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.