Friday night and they just came in and increased Becka's pain medicines. Earlier, she was trying to talk to me and couldn't, so I held her hand and just acted like I understood what she was saying. I massaged her back and legs, and Ruth sang to her. She responds to my voice. Every time I say something she opens her eyes, but it was torturing me to think that she couldn't tell me if something was hurting, so I called her doctor. He immediately increased her pain meds. I would rather take a chance and know that she's not hurting anywhere. It's all that matters to me tonight. I've already said goodbye to Beck. She and I were alone in the room earlier, and I said it in my own way, but I also let her know that we would all be together in Heaven. It's just for now that the love of my life has to go.
I realized tonight something that is hurting me even more. It's not that the woman I love is leaving. It's that the woman who loves ME is leaving. Becka loves me unconditionally, despite all of my short comings. She accepted all of my faults and still chose to lay beside me every night, for the rest of her life. Love and commitment, two words that most take for granted these days. Beck and I never did. When we married and said we would love each other forever, we BOTH meant it. She held me up as her man and her husband, and she was proud of me. She was never ashamed to call herself Mrs Patton. Her heart is that of a warrior. Even now she is trying to stay. When she's ready, she will go, but until then she's not done here. I pray that God grants her mercy, and makes sure she doesn't hurt at all until he embraces her and draws her to him.
I am grateful to God for every second with Becka. Even though our life here is ending, I have changed in ways that I never thought I could. She taught me about love, respect, and dedication, and every day with her, I knew that I was loved. Tonight my heart feels hollow and empty. I have dreaded this for so long, but I have to get to the end. Becka took some clay, made the man that she wanted, and here I sit, and now that I don't have her to love me anymore, I fear that I will never be loved that way again.
Tonight I honor the greatest woman, Lady, Friend, and wife I have ever known. She is my Angel, and soon she will be with the angels. I know she will be missed, but she will never be forgotten, not by me or anyone who knew her. She's way too special.
Tomorrow is a new day. Good night and God Bless.
