Day 279

Sunday night and I'm baking brownies. It's been a very long but productive day that isn't ending well. We started out good though. Beck and I woke up early this morning and I took her to breakfast. I love getting her out of the house and I'm grateful for the nice wheelchair that Cancer Services let us borrow. We had a great meal, then came back here and she laid back down for a bit. I cleaned up around the house until the Urgent Care opened, and I went to find out what I already knew. I have a sinus infection, but they put me on some good medicine and I should be fine. It's already working because I feel great tonight. I came back here and cooked a late lunch / supper of meat loaf, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and rolls. We ate and Beck laid back down. She's been very weak and disoriented today. Usually she doesn't get that way until later in the day, but it started early today. I finished cleaning the house, then I mowed, trimmed, and raked the back yard. It had started to look like a hay field. Andrew sat with Beck while I worked on it, and while I ran to get Autumn. Around Seven O'clock, Beck said she was hurting pretty bad and needed to lay back down, so I gave her the nightly meds, and I tried to get her to take a shower so that she would feel better, but she was shaky and hurting, so I put her PJ's on her and tucked her in. I'll give her a shower in the morning before I go to my other Doctor appointment. I have to have some tests in the morning so I can't eat or drink anything after midnight tonight. Fern is coming to sit with Beck until I get back.

A very good friend of mine called me today and set me straight. He reminded me that I need not fear what is coming because I have no control over it, and that is what is scaring me. I need to concentrate on "Today", and enjoy every minute I have with her. That is hard to do when I see her going down hill every day, in pain, and not able to walk sometimes. She couldn't log in to Facebook tonight because she didn't remember her password, and she's completely lost track of what day it is. I don't know how much of this has to do with the steroids she has been taking for a long time now, but we had to increase her pain meds. She's getting headaches on a regular basis. She's so fragile that I have to be very gentle with everything I do or she hurts. 

I wrote last night that I've been angry, and I have been. I just didn't know at what, but I think I know now. I'm not angry at God. I'm angry at myself. I know for a fact that God is with us and is giving me strength, because there is no way I could be doing this on my own. I think that I'm angry at myself because of the way I've felt. I've had selfish feelings because I miss the life we had just a short time ago, and I want it back. I need to accept the fact that the old life is gone, and just do what my friend told me to do. Stay in Today. If I think about the past, it hurts. If I think about the future, it hurts even more, so I need to focus on what is happening right now and deal with it the best I can. I've been fortunate in my endeavors to meet very wise and experienced people who God has placed in my life. If you are reading this, I'm probably talking about you. I'm not used to this kind of pain. Beck is the one going through this and I feel guilty about even complaining. That's why I need this blog, so that I can express how I feel, and maybe I can help someone else, or they can help me. The beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, strong, enchanting woman that decided to take a chance on me, is right in there asleep, and she needs me. That's all I need to know right now. The rest is just my head and my heart. I love her so so so much. Nothing will ever change that. She once asked me, if I had known this was going to happen, would I have married her? I told her that if we only had an hour together, it would be enough to give up everything else, and I meant it. She's that special.

I'm going to eat a brownie, watch some football, and go to bed. I'm feeling much better physically and mentally tonight. I'm going to hit my knees beside of her and pray as well. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope.