Day 273

Monday night and nothing ever stays the same. It's been somewhat of a difficult day. We got up several times last night, so I felt like a zombie when I woke up, but I had to go in to work this morning. I couldn't think straight, but I did what I could and it all went wrong, and then Beck text me and said she needed me, so I took off and came home. Her feet have gone down, but they are still swollen, and tonight was when I realized that she was slurring her words. She's having more trouble walking as well. It's a catch 22 with the steroids. It seems that when she tapers down off of them, she becomes more disoriented, and when we take her back up to higher levels, she has other side effects. The doctor told us to try and taper down, but to go back up if she had problems, so we may do that tomorrow.

I'm noticing that I'm angry, and I need to work on that. I can name all kinds of reasons, but it all comes back to fear. Fear of change and loss. I don't adapt well to change, and I'm still looking for a target to take my frustrations out on. I find myself yelling at the television like they can hear me. As long as I don't argue with myself, I'll be okay. I've never been this tired for this long. I came home today and took a nap, then we had dinner and I ran to walmart to pick up some things for the kids. I'm going to bed in a few and try to sleep as long as I can. Becka woke up last night one time and took off her tether instead of waking me up. I threatened to buy a lock and a chain. I was kidding of course. I just worry that she will sleep walk and get hurt. She doesn't remember getting up the next day. 

I'm kind of lost. My heart is still breaking, my emotions are all over the place, I'm exhausted, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. It will be better after tomorrow. I'm going to work in the morning for a bit, then I'm off with her for a while. It will do me a lot of good to stay home with her. Today, Beck and I stood and held each other for a long time, and it brought back so many good memories. It was fantastic for me, and I needed to feel her arms around me and her head on my chest. She told me she needed me, and I guess I needed to hear that too. I let her know that I need her just as much. It was a wonderful, intimate moment, and we haven't had any of those in a while. I needed it, and I closed my eyes and asked God to help me protect her. Please Lord give me strength, because I'm running on empty. The only thing keeping me going is pure, everlasting love for this woman who chose me to be by her side, so that is where I am going to be. Tomorrow is a new day.

Going to bed. Good night and God Bless. Thanks for the support from all of you, and I love you guys too.