When Andrew got home, she wanted to go lay back down, so I put her back to bed and I asked Andrew to keep an eye on her. I was gone all of thirty minutes. I had to go get a part for our van, then I went to the Verizon store to get a charger for Autumn's phone. When I got back home, I found that Beck had tried to go to the bathroom while I was gone, and she couldn't get dressed again by herself, so she was laying on the bed crying. I laid in front of her and held her. She said she was so frustrated, and I touched her face and told her I wouldn't leave again. That was all I needed to say. She calmed right down and went back to sleep after I helped her get dressed. I waited on Autumn to get here, then I went in and laid down with her. I passed out apparently. I didn't mean to sleep but a few minutes and I napped for two hours. I got up and cooked supper, then I helped her to her chair in the living room and we ate. We watched TV for a little while, but I can tell when she's hurting, so I asked her if she was ready for bed, and she said yes. I gave her the nightly medicines and tucked her in, and now I'm here on the porch by myself writing this.
I'm not going to be able to leave anymore. I know that people will help me, and I do need help, but not with watching her. I need people to run errands for me and pick stuff up from the store. My boss called me today and wanted to know if I can work one day next week. I told him I would try, but it's not going to be an option. I know and appreciate that many people would come and sit with her, but there are things she only wants me to do, and I don't want her to ever sacrifice her dignity. I told her I wouldn't leave and I'm not going to, unless she's sitting in her chair and I just need to run out for a few minutes. This is my purpose in life. This is not a cross to bear. It is the biggest blessing God ever bestowed upon me. Not that she's sick by any means, but the fact that God restored me to sanity and placed me here at this time in my life, knowing how I feel about her and that I will take care of her. I almost feel like God trusts me, or I wouldn't be here. I'm grateful to him for making it possible for me to be here. I've looked high and low, up and down for a way to Glorify God in all of this, and here it is. It's not the fact that he didn't heal Beck, but the fact that he did heal me so that I can be here for her. If God hadn't removed the demons in my life, I would be no good to her or anyone else. She relies on me now for everything, and God made that happen, not me. He gets the Glory, because I can tell you this. I tried for years to change the destructive path I was on and I failed miserably. It was only when I hit my knees and prayed, "God please help me", that all of the garbage was removed from my life. On my own power, I am nothing, because I have no power, but with him all things are possible. My anger toward God is gone and my heart, though torn, is filled with gratitude every time she looks at me. She doesn't have to say it. Her eyes say it for her, "I'm glad you are here". Thank you Lord.
My heart aches and yearns for this woman that I love. Her body may be broken, but her heart and her soul are stronger than ever. Although I know that she will be in paradise when she leaves me, the light that she has brought in to my life for such a short time will be gone, and this world will be a very dark place. When I think about it, I can't breath. I become paralyzed with fear and I run to the bedroom to check on her. I don't want her to suffer, but I'll never be prepared for life without her. She is my life and has been since the first time she told me she loved me. I remember that time. I remember the first time I felt her arms around me. I remember our first kiss. All of that is a part of me now, and it will be until I leave this place. I will always feel like we had unfinished business, but tonight I have no regrets.
I'm calling it a night, now that I have torn myself up once again. I love you all.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
