Beck looked beautiful at the party. I put one of her favorite shirts on her and some blue jean shorts, and she wore earrings, a necklace, and her black hat. She felt okay this morning, but after everyone started leaving, I asked her to try and walk outside. It took a few minutes to get her there, but when we got out the door, she turned her head to the sky and let the sun hit her in the face. We were there about five minutes, and she started shaking, so I walked her straight in the bedroom and put her to bed. She went down twice today. I always check on her when she's in the bedroom, and I tell her not to try and get up without me, but it's useless now. She can't use her phone anymore, and I bought an airhorn and put it beside the bed, but she doesn't even acknowledge it. I was outside hanging up the bathroom carpets in the back yard so that they would dry faster, and when I got back in and checked on her, I found that she had gone to the bathroom by herself and her legs gave out. I picked her up and helped her back to the bed. She was okay but hurting. The second time she went down today was when I was walking her to the bathroom. I always walk backwards and hold her right hand in my left while I have my right hand around her back. She was doing good, but when we got to the bathroom, she started hurting so badly that she had to sit down on the floor. I sat with her for a few until she quit hurting, then I went and got her Dad. I'm so glad he's here. It's much easier for him and me to pick her up together because we can get under her arms and behind her without hurting her. If she gets any weaker, I'm going to have to call in Hospice. She's almost bed ridden. She's still eating, but no where near as much. Her pain is getting worse, and her breathing is so labored that she hyperventilates.
The pain bothers me the worst, but we are taking care of that proactively. I give her pain pills during the day before she asks for them, but I'm calling the doctor Monday and asking for something stronger. I think it's time for Oxycontin, but I'm not a doctor. We will rely on the wisdom of a real Doc. Tonight I noticed something else. Becka's eyes are set. When I finally got her to bed tonight, she relaxed and was okay. I always kneel beside the bed, take her hand and pray with her. I asked her to look me in the eyes, and she couldn't. She's gazing off in to space, and her pupils aren't clear. She still knows who I am and who she is, but I can see the progression. The thing that broke my heart and made me cry once again tonight was her sense of humor, which she still has. Even though she couldn't look in my eyes, she said, "I love you so much". I said, "You could have done better", and tried to let her see me smile. She did smile and said, "Yeah but I wouldn't have my dogs". Then she told me she loved me again, and went to sleep. I went outside and started writing this, but it started raining so I came inside and started watching "Wipe Out" with Beck's parents. We talked for a minute about Beck, and I got upset, so Beck's Father prayed with us. I may have a sick wife, but they have a sick daughter. We are all grieving together, and we will get past this together.
I'm very grateful for the birthday party today. It made her and Andrew happy. After the party, I took Andrew and all of the kids out to my Father's house and let him shoot his new rifle. We were there for about an hour, then we came back and Beck was still in bed. If she gets bedridden, we will have to explore other options. Until then, as long as she can get up and walk, we are okay for another day. This too shall pass, and another day will bring something else. Dad's prayer tonight meant a lot to me. I pray that God intervenes before this gets as bad as we know it can. Please God help us.
Thank you and God Bless. Sweet Dreams!
