Wednesday night and I'm back at the hospital. I took Andrew to his Taekwondo testing tonight. He's now a black stripe! I was so proud of him. He was spot on with his form and he broke his board the first time. Now I'll always be a belt behind him, but that's okay. He and I WILL get our black belts together one day. We made a pact and we've both come this far. If my body holds up, I'm going back when life settles down a bit.
I'm going to update here a little then try to lay down and get some sleep. I want to be able to get up immediately if something happens during the night. We are moving Beck to the Hospice home down the road. Hopefully we can move her tomorrow but it's up to her doctor. They have a bed if we need it. She will be much more comfortable there. The kids can spend the night in her room. We can bring the dogs to see her, and her bed will be a real bed made of wood. She will have her own room with Cable TV and wireless internet and anyone can come see her. She is in very good spirits tonight. She's laughing and singing, and right now she's talking to Gina on the phone. I wish you could see her face how happy she is. God has given her peace. Gina's voice always makes her smile. I understand that.
Time is short and my emotions are so far gone that I can't describe them anymore. I go from anger to frustration to hysterical laughing. I try to stay on even ground when I'm with Beck, but I still can't believe in my heart that she's leaving me. I can't believe it or accept it. It's not fair, I'm not going to act like it is, and the one thing you don't want to say to me is "God's Will". If this is God's will he can keep it. I don't think it is though. He didn't give her cancer, he doesn't cause pain and suffering. God is love. The world we live in is responsible for the pain we live in. One day we will all be together. Beck will be standing there waiting for me, her eyes glowing and her mouth smiling, her arms outstretched and her long black hair blowing in the wind. I remember the woman I first met, and she's right here but her body is failing. Her soul will live forever, and one day, we will be together again. Until then I'm broken. I'm clinging to a life that is leaving me and I'm in tremendous pain, but I have to go on one day at a time. I only wish that I could see and touch what was killing her, so that I could kill it first, but I can't, and I feel so helpless and empty. No one should ever feel this way, and I pray that one day I'm in a position to help someone else. Beck is going to be fine. She's going to paradise, but the world she is leaving behind for me and everyone else will be very dark and won't make sense anymore. I don't know if I can do this, as if I have a choice.
I'm stopping here so that I don't have to be a basket case in front of her. I don't want to take away the peace that God has given her.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
